chasing the past
by nikalex
Summary: The munity has a different ending... Alex has understood Amanda's plan and she had decided to double cross Amanda... she saved Nikita and with her team is trying to fight the ghosts of her past without Nikita and Sean on her side...during her missions unexpected events will put all of our heroes in danger. I don't own anything. Please REVIEW!
1. Chapter 1

"Alex had defeated your mind games before, Amanda. She will fine" a handcuffed Nikita cried anxiously. Amanda had just told her that she had put a cranio needle inside Alex's brain in order to reprogrammize her to take actions against Nikita.

"She can't win this time, Nikita. It's not a mind game, it's a brain surgery. She can't fight it. She will work with me. Inside her munity I have my moles and Alex is going to fulfil her destiny or she will be executed" Amanda coldly replied and looked at her captive. "It's over, Nikita"

Then suddenly Amanda's phone rang. It was Sam/Owen.

"Amanda. We have a situation over here. I got the black box but Division is in lockdown. Alex took control of Division" Owen informed Amanda.

" I don't see the problem. That was our plan."Amanda said

" No. You don't understand. Alex has all your moles under custodity. She put inside an exterior team and took down all your moles" Owen said.

" What? How? What about Michael? Do we manage to kill him?" Amanda asked really worried.

" No. We tried to execute him but Alex pushed him away and took the bullet for him. I don't know where Alex is now." Owen said.

" Are you looking for me Owen?" a cold voice asked. Owen turned his head slowly and faced Alex holding a gun pointed at his head.

"Alex? I am so glad that you are ok..." Owen started.

" I am sure you are. Now. Give me the black box and the phone, I really want to speak with Amanda" Alex ordered.

"Alex, what are you talking about? " Owen tried to defend himself.

Alex was about to say something when a heavily armed team entered the training area.

"Miss Udinov, all the exits are clear. We find the last mole trying to escape and we also find Sean and Michael. What do you want us to do with all of them?" the leader of the team asked

" Good job. Rachel, I am really disappointed by you, I gave you a chance to live your life and you threw it away. Take her to the sublevel 12, I will be there in a few minutes. Sean you take control of the ops, follow them. Michael, John and Tom, you wait here until mr. Eliot is ready to be taken under custody. Don't look at me like that. Do it" she ordered and the team obeyed her immediately.

" Now. Owen let me tell you something. I have a history of shooting my friends, first Nikita, then Ryan. The next one is going to end up pretty dead, so I will suggest you not to push me further, give me the black box and the phone. I am not going to ask you again" Alex threatened

" Ooo. Ok. I don't know what the hell is wrong with you but you win. Take them" Owen said and handed the phone and the black box to Alex.

"Good choice" Alex said. " Take him" she ordered the rest of the team who followed her order.

"Miss Udinov, rules of engagement?" One of the men asked

" Shoot to kill" Alex replied softly. "Michael, make sure that Owen is going to be in Percy's old cell safe. I am pretty sure that Nikita would like to try to fix him when she is back" Alex said.

She stood there for awhile and then she put her phone on her ear.

" Amanda, nice try" she said.

" How did you find out?" Amanda asked

" I used to be a mole, remember? I know how to recognise one and certainly I know how to recognise a group of them who try to take control and plus you stayed low for a long time, you were up to something." Alex replied

" I underestimated you, I think" Amanda said

" Nikita for the box?" Alex asked.

" I don't trust you, Alex, to make a deal with you" Amanda replied coldly.

" Of course you don't, Amanda. Does Rachel know where is your place?" Alex asked

" Maybe" Amanda said

" You don't want to make my life easy, hh? It's ok. I will ask her..I will call when I am with her...maybe you tell me when you hear her scream" Alex said and turned the phone off. Then she headed to the sublevel 12.

* * *

" Did she say that she shot Ryan?" Nikita asked in shock.

Amanda was shocked, too.

" I think so. What the hell is she doing? This isn't right. She didn't follow my instructions obviously, she defeated my brain surgery but...she sounded different" Amanda said and paced up and down the room.

" What did you do to her, Amanda?" Nikita cried.

" That wasn't me. It was her. We will find out soon I guess" Amanda said and looked down at her cell phone.

* * *

Alex entered the sublevel 12 and ordered her men to leave. Then she walked foward and faced Rachel. She was tied up in an chair and she looked scared. Alex called Amanda and she put the phone in the table.

" Hi, Rachel. I will make it clear to you, I will ask you 3 times, if you answered with the first one, I will let you live, if I had to ask you for second time I will give you a quickly and easy death, you won't suffer. Do you know what will happen if you make me ask you the same thing for third time?" Alex said coldly.

"No..." Rachel answered with a shaked voice.

" I will turn you into my personal punch bag for the rest of my life. Every time that I will be angry with something, I will come down here and I will take it out on you" Alex said and smiled coldy.

" Now. Where can I find Amanda?" Alex asked.

" I don't know what are you talking about" Rachel said.

" Wrong answer, Rachel. let's give you a second chance. Where can I find Amanda?" Alex asked and stepped up and walked towards to the torture tools. She put her finger on them and touched them and then she took a little knife in her hands.

"Alex. I amnot with Amanda, you have to believe me.." Rachel shouted.

Then Alex suddenly turned to her and stabbed her in the leg with the knife. Rachel screamed of pain and surprise. Alex, then, she took a grab and started to extirpate Rachel's nails one by one.

Rachel was crying and screaming and suddenly she shouted " Stop it! Stop it! Yes, I work with Amanda! Stop it, please. I will tell whatever you want to know"

Alex stopped and took a step backward. " Where do I find her?" Alex asked one more time.

Rachel didn't answer and then Alex started punching her. Rachel cried loudly and then Alex heard Nikita yelling

" Stop it, Alex. Stop it! " Nikita yelled

" Amanda...shut her up. Please" Alex said

" Why? I love seeing hurt like that" Amanda replied calmy.

" Fine. Whatever you want. Rachel, I want an answer and I don't have much patience" Alex said. She hated herself but she needed to take Nikita back. She didn't like play that role and Nikita couldn't know the truth until she comes back. For now eeryone though that Alex was a cold blood torturor.

" I don't know" Rachel screamed in terror. Alex was ready to start hitting her again but the door opened and...

" What the hell were you thinking, Alex? You could have died! " Michael said..

" Michael.." Alex started

" No..No, Alex. Why did you take that bullet for me? You want to get yourself killed?" Michael yelled

" Michael..."

" You didn't think of Nikita, did you? She will die if something happens to you! " Michael added.

" SHUT UP FOR A SECOND. Nikita can't lose both of us in the same day. She had already lost me. She can't loose you, too. And I took that bullet for you because I care about you. So stop yelling at me. And Amanda is on the phone." Alex said.

" What?" Michael asked in shock.

" Phone...Amanda...Mole...Nikita...concentrate Michael" Alex replied

" Amanda, what do you want?" Michael asked

" Right now, I want Nikita to get hurt. But I might consider Alex's offer. If she can find me." Amanda laughed.

" Alex, you are gonna let me take out that bullet from your arm and you are gonna to explain me what you meant before about the losses that Nikita can handle and I don't want to fight over that. Please. and you need to stop torturing Rachel." Michael said in a stable voice.

" Fine. You can take the bullet out, no drugs no painkillers. I can't promise that I can answer your questions and for sure I am not done with her, I need answers and I need them now"

" Why did you take that bullet, Alex?" Michael asked and started working with her arm

" Because I care, Michael" Alex replied

" You can't take the bullets that are meant for us, Alex. This is the second time, the next one you might die." Michael said.

" Then, I will die happy" Alex said and smiled.

" And what I was supposed to say to Nikita, if you were dead because of me?" Michael asked

" Right now, I am pretty sure that Nikita will be glad that she doesn't need to bury her fiance and her friend at the same day" Alex said softly.

" What are you talking about? You are still, here! " Michael said anxious

" No, Michael. I am not here, I am in a place that I don't want to be and that Nikita would hate it. Amanda opened the door to a very dark path, when she put that needle inside my brain, and I can't come back, not until I finish what I need to do. For Nikita, it's better to think of me like a dead Alex, at least for awhile" Alex said sadly

" Alex, let me help you, please. I am not scared of what you might face. I will be there for you" Michael said and hugged Alex

" You can't help me, Michael. I don't care if you are scared or not, I am and that it's a good reason for me to let everyone out of this. This is a path that I have to cross it alone" Alex said

" Your hand is ready, Alex" Michael said

" Good. Now let's continue our interrogation. Rachel...?" Alex said and stepped up ready for her next attack.

"Michael, Michael, please. I know that you are mad at me but please don't let her continue with me. Just kill me, Michael! I can't stand it anymore!" Rachel cried and yelled

" Then answer her question or I will feed you to her" Michael said

" I don't know. If I knew, I would have told you. I don't know. She was the one who contacted me" Rachel cried

" I believe her" Michael said

" Fine let's finish here." Boom. Alex's gun had shot and then there was nothing than Nikita's screams

"Nooooooo! Nooooo! Alex!"

" Michael. Take her body out of my sight. Bring me the next one. Now" Alex ordered

" Wow! You got my attention, Alex. So, Nikita for the black box?" Amanda said in shock. Something was really off with Alex but she liked it the new situation.

" You don't like the deal? You have something better in mind?" Alex asked calmly.

" No. I am ok with the box. You know, Alex, you have evil inside, I am surprised." Amanda added coldly.

" I know that Amanda. I don't know why you are surprised. I am not" Alex said.

" Well, Nikita is surprised, too and I thought that she knew you, but she is in shock." Amanda replied.

" She doesn't know me that well, Amanda. We all have our secrets and my ones are damn good guarded."

Suddenly the door opened and Michael came in followed by one memeber of Alex's team,Tom, arguing.

" Can I help you, guys?" Alex asked calmly.

" Miss Udinov, what do you want us to do with the muniters?" Tom said

" The peaceful one's we let them go. We keep our promise. A new identity, enough money to start over and the warning that if they engaged in criminal activities, they will be executed. The rest of the muniteers and the moles kept them under custodity and let Nikita decide about their future. You can go Tom" Alex said and watched Tom leaving the room

" Michael, what is your problem?" Alex asked and looked at Michael

"You can't do that" Michael said.

" I think that I just did it.. AND..before you start yelling at me again let me explain myself... when you are out there, you count on these people to be your eyes and ears, you put your lifes in their hands...if they aren't loyal to you and Nikita, they are a danger for the field agents and I am not going to be there every time to take the bullets for you. So if you want to keep running this place, fine. But you will do so with the ones that you can trust" Alex replied calmly.

"But.." Michael said

" And something more. You can't say anything to change my mind. This is not negociable. If they want out, they are out. Don't try to stop it, otherwise I will have you taken under custodity and I think that you want to see Nikita soon, so don't play that game, you will loose. Division is under my control for now. When we take Nikita back, I will take my men and hand Division back to you." Alex added.

There was something different with her. She sounded sure. She sounded like a leader. What this team of hers is all about? What has happened to her?


	2. Chapter 2

" Amanda do we have a deal?" Alex asked impatientely.

" Yes. Meet me in an hour at your old apartment" Amanda said and turned off the phone

* * *

" What are you doing?" Michael asked worried

" You will find out" Alex said and ran out of the room

* * *

Alex entered the ops..

" Birkoff, I need your help" Alex said

" Why should I help a traitor?" Birkoff replied angrily. Alex knew that her actions weren't the best ones but she had no choice. She needed to get those people out and she needed to work out some things on her own. It will be better for everyone if they just hate her.

" Fair enough. Let me paraphrase, Nikita needs your help" Alex said calmly

" What do I have to do?" Birkoff said nervously. He couldn't stand the idea of Nikita being captured by Amanda. He didn't want to think of what Amanda might do to Nikita.

" You remember the pill that Michael took when Bratt had Nikita. I need one of those and I need you all to cooperate with my team. They will monitor the mission from here. When Nikita comes back safe and sound, they will hand you this place, until then they are in charge" Alex explained

" Alex, you can't go out there alone, it's a suicide mission!" Sean yelled

" Relax, Sean. I will be fine. I trust my team. I will miss you." Alex said and then she mouthed "i love you" " Be careful, Alex. Come back here safe" Sean said and kissed her.

"Eventually..." Alex whispered.

" Tom. I count on you. Keep them safe" Alex said to the leader of her team.

" Don't worry miss Udinov, I will protect them with my life. You have my word" Tom replied

Alex nodded and then she ran out of Division.

* * *

10 minutes later at her old apartment...

" You don't have to knock me out, Amanda. I am not going to resist." Alex said and turned to face Amanda in the hallaway.

" The black box" Amanda said and pointed a gun at Alex's face.

" I don't have it on me. When you release Nikita, I will give you the location" Alex said calmly.

" Don't play games with me Alex" Amanda threatened

" I don't. I just make it sure that in this game everyone is going to win" Alex replied and smiled

" Take her" Amanda ordered her guards.

Alex opened her hands in surrender. She didn't resist at all. When they had her handcuffed, they put a cloth on her eyes and they lead her to Amanda's place.

* * *

At Amanda's place...

" Alex, we are going to tie you to that chains near to Nikita. Don't try anything stupid. I will shoot you" Amanda said

" You mean more stupid than to turn myself to you? Don't worry. I won't do anything stupid" Alex said sarcastically and smiled softly

" Tie her up. I want guns at Nikita. Now" Amanda ordered and her people obeyed immediately.

Alex didn't do anything. She stood their while they tied her wrists with long chains. When they finished, she sat down near to Nikita. She didn't turn to face her, but she could see that her face was wet from her tears. She knew that Nikita was crying because of Alex's cruel behavior against the others. Nikita wasn't after all physical abused. She had only had one bruise in her face. Amanda took a sit opposite to the girls with her gun in her hand.

" Alex, the black box" Amanda said slowly

" Release Nikita first" Alex replied staring at Amanda's eyes.

" The box or she suffers" Amanda said

" I don't care. Release her and I will give you the box, that's the deal" Alex said coldly.

Amanda stepped up, walked towards Nikita and she punched her in the face. Nikita left a little cry of pain. Then she turned to face an unexpected calm Alex. Amanda stepped back and stared at Alex

" What?" Alex asked when she noticed Amanda's shocked gaze" I told you that I don't care" she added

" What's wrong with you?" Amanda asked in shock. " I have just punched your best friend and you just don't care?"

" Yeah. I don't care." Alex continued. _Of course and I care Amanda, I want to rip your heart out of your body, I hate you because you hurt her but I need to stuck on the plan. I need her to be safe and sound and I can't do that if you think that you can get to me through her, if anyone thinks that he can get to me through her.._Alex thought.

" I think that I will give you some private space with Nikita." Amanda said and left the room

Alex turned to her friend and asked her " Are you ok?"

" I don't know. You shot Ryan, you tortured and killed Rachel. I don't recognize you anymore" Nikita said honestly

Alex didn't answer, she just turned her face away and she stepped up.

" What's wrong Alex? What happened?" Nikita asked and she stepped up, too, facing Alex's back.

" Let it go, Nikita"

" I can't. Talk to me" Nikita pleaded

" I have nothing to share, Nikita" Alex lied

" Why did you shoot Ryan?" Nikita asked

" I don't know. I have a flashback and I pulled the trigger" Alex said.

" A flashback of what Alex?" Nikita asked.

" Alex, what flashback?" she asked again

Alex didn't answer. Nikita closed the gap between them and she grabbed Alex's arm. Alex reacted instantly, she twisted Nikita's hand, she knocked her on her knees. She took the chains of her handcuffs and she put it around Nikita's neck and she started strangling her. Nikita was about to pass out because of the lack of oxygen when Alex released her. She felt down, coughing and gasping for air. Then, she turned to face Alex. Alex was sitting there emotionless.

" I told you to let it go, Nicky. I warned you" Alex whispered

" Alex?" Nikita said in shock

" It's over, Nikita. It's over" Alex said and she sat down.

Then the door opened and Amanda entered.

" Did you just try to kill her?" Amanda asked

" No. I tried to shut her up." Alex replied calmly

" You don't care at all about her, do you?" Amanda asked

" Not anymore" Alex pleaded

" Fine. Let Nikita go. I can't use her here." Amanda ordered and three men came and took Nikita.

* * *

" Guys! Nikita is back.." Birkoff yelled.

" What? where?" Michael asked nervously.

" there, a van let her outside division" Birkoff said and show them a video.

" Guys. This is our signal!" Tom said to his people. " Alfa team go get Nikita back inside safely, Beta team let's bring Miss Udinov home, wolf team get ready to evacuate the facility. .GO. we have 7 minutes. 7 minutes guys." Tom yelled and his people started to run up and down.

* * *

Alfa team...

" We have visual with the target. I repeat we have visual with the target"

" I remind you that she is highly trained and extremely dangerous. Don't engage. Pass her the phone and she will follow you." Tom ordered.

" Nikita" one of the men shouted and 8 men surrounded her " Michael wants to speak with you. He is on the phone. We don't want any trouble" he added and he gave her a phone

" Nikita. It's all right. These people are with us" Michael said

" Ok.." Nikita said anxious and she followed the men to the ops.

" Mission accomplised" Tom said " Go to the meet point. We will meet you there in about 30 minutes." Tom ordered his man.

" You must be Nikita. Nice to meet you madam. Miss Udinov asked me to tell you that she is sorry about your neck and that she cares no matter what she said, she does care" Tom said clearly.

" And who are you and these people exactly?" Nikita asked nervously. What was going on?

" Honey. This is Tom and these people are Alex's team." Michael said

" Alex's team? For how long do you work with Alex?" Nikita asked in shock.

" For about two years, madam" Tom replied " Now, excuse me but I have a few more missions here"

"Beta team report, please" Tom said to his men who were after Alex

" We are in position. Move with your signal"

" Don't let Alex any longer with this crazy bitch. Bring her home, guys. GO." Tom said

For some minutes there was nothing than gunshots and then

" Package secure. I repeat package secure" one man informed Tom.

" Any losses?" Tom asked nerviously.

" No. But Amanda escaped... again!" another man said

" Don't worry John. we will get her eventually. we will" Tom said.

" How is Miss Udinov?'' Tom asked

" She was right. She is exactly as she told us that she will be like" John answered

" Then she must have broken ribs, bruises to her entire body and she must be electrosocked over and over again" Tom said in shock

" All of that and Amanda stabbed her, too" John said.

" Tom, I don't understand why she turn herself to Amanda in order to save Nikita?" John asked angrily

" I see, John. Let me explain you. You remember last year when you were captured by the chinese mafia? She blew up her cover and she came back to rescue you. She gave you her bulletproof vest and she almost die in order to protect you. She saved your life, you were nothing to her but she came back for you. When I asked her why and she told me that Sean would never leave a man behind. Now, when she told me her plan I had the same question, I couldn't understand why she was willing to give her life for someone who had caused her so much pain. She asked me what I was willing to do in order to protect my mother or my sister or my brother from Amanda's cruelty. What would you do John? If Nikita was your little brother?" Tom said

" Everything. I would give my life for him" John replied immediately.

" Then you have your answer John. She told me that her father might have die, she might have never been with her mother since that night, she might have no siblings but that doesn't mean that she has no family. She turned herself to Amanda because she considers Nikita as family" Tom added

" But she killed her father!" John said in surprise

" I am aware of that, John" Alex interrupted and smiled softly.

" Miss Udinov.. I am sorry... I didn't want..." John said

" It's ok, John. I understand. Yes, Nikita killed my father but that doesn't change anything to me. She is my family and I will always give my life to protect her and the others. Any other unspoken question? Guys if we are really going to complete that mission, I need to know that you are with me. I need to know that you will have my back. I can't tell you that it will be easy, because it won't. I can't promise you that we will get through out of this alive. But I can tell you that it will be extremely painful and I can promise you that I will try to protect you. This isn't a mission that you have to take. You can always question my decisions, I am ok with that. I am not your boss, I am your partner. So let's treat each other like that. And stop calling me Miss Udinov, it's Alex. If you have any questions or worries or anything, you come to me. Is that clear? And if anyone wants to step down, it's ok, but he or she must do it now without put anyone in danger! " Alex said calmly.

" I am sorry, Alex. I am with you, I will always be with you. Let's do it" John said seriously

" Ok. Any questions from your side Tom?" Alex asked

" No. I don't think so. They are in shock." Tom said

" Ok. Finish your mission and evacuate the building. Nikita and Michael are back in charge,now. Meeting at 10 minutes for now. We must move fast, guys. Let's finish our mission." Alex said and turned off the radio.

" Nikita, this is for you and the others. She is really sorry but she has to. Wolf team leave the building. Meeting at 10. It was nice to meet Alex's family. I will try to keep her safe. She will return" Tom said

" Tom. What are you talking about?" Nikita asked anxiously.

" You will see . She explains it in her letter. Be safe guys." Tom said and left the building with the others.

" Nikita, read the letter" Sean yelled.

_Hi guys,_

_Nikita I hope you are alright. I am sorry for your neck and I do care, don't ever doubt about that._

_Birkoff I am sorry that you think of me like a traitor_

_Sean I am sorry for everything_

_Michael thanks for helping with Rachel._

_Now, I will have to leave for a while. I have to work something out. As long as I am haunted by my past I am a threat to you. Amanda has already tried to use my past against you and I don't wanna know what might have happened if she had succeeded completely. I need to make peace with my past, if I want to keep you safe. I will try not to kill myself in the process. Sean, I will call you every day. It won't take a long I promise. _

_Take care of yourself guys. _

" She left?" Sean cried

" Yes, she did. Michael did you help Alex torture and kill Rachel?" Nikita said in shock

" No. I helped her fake Rachel's torture and death. She is still our Alex, Nikita. She just need sometime" Michael replied

" What?" Nikita said.

" She couldn't do it. She knew that Amanda would be surprised if she did so and she would agree to make a deal with her, so she asked me if I had any tapes from Amanda's interrogations and if I can put Rachel's voice in them. So we did that. We find a video of Alex being interrogated from Amanda and some other hostages and we change the voice and the words. Then we gave Amanda what she needed. Alex was indeed in sublevel 12 with an unconsious Rachel and she described to Amanda every single step of her own interrogation. Then she shot in the air to make it feel more real. Some of those screams were Alex's ones when Amanda was trying to find out her little secret." Michael said calmly.

" Alex.." Nikita whispered and left a tear fell down.

Suddenly Sean's phone rang..

" Alex!" Sean yelled

" Hi my love" Alex replied

" Where are you?"

" In an airplane with my team and a doctor who is trying to make me sleep" Alex said and laughed

" Are you ok?" Sean asked anxiously

" Yes. Safe and loud. I will call you every day Sean, I love you" Alex said

" I want to speak to her" Nikita whispered

" I love you, too. Alex, Nikita wants to speak to you. Would you mind? She really cares about you, Alex. Don't do that to her." Sean said

" Sean. I am really sorry. I am not ready for that yet. I love her, too. I will talk to her. I just need some time. Sean, when I was in Amanda's chair and she was messing with my memories, I had a memory of Nikita that I can't handle right now. I am sorry. Make her understand, Sean. I love her too much." Alex said and turned off the phone.

" I am sorry, Nikita, she is not ready to talk to you" Sean said and she looked at her phone.

" What? Why? What did I do to her?" Nikita cried

" You did nothing Nikita. Amanda did. She made her relive all her memories and she reset a memory that she had hidden a long time ago. She is not ready to handle it. She loves you, Nikita. She just need some time." Sean said and hugged Nikita

" What Amanda did to her?" Nikita asked

" She made her relive all her memories, all her bad memories" Michael said.

" How do you know that?" Nikita asked and looked at him suspiciously.

" She told me today that she shot Ryan. She had a flashback. She remembered Amanda with the needle and then she saw her first client as sex slave. He had raped her more than 4 times that day. She pulled the trigger in defense. It was an accident. This is why she is leaving. She doesn't want to harm any of us because of her past. She will return when she had fought the ghosts of her past." Michael said.

" I am scared, Michael" Sean said

" I am too. But we have to trust her" Michael said.

There was nothing that they could do now. They all understand why Alex left but they were worried. Alex kept her promise. She called Sean every day. But they all will listen from Alex pretty soon.

To be continued...


	3. Chapter 3

One week later at Division...

" Birkoff! Please tell me that we have a link to Alex" Nikita said anxiously.

" I am sorry, Nikita. But no. We will not find her, unless she wants us to do so" Birkoff replied softly. He was used to Nikita's anxiety over missing Alex. He understood her. Alex had refused to talk to her and it had passed one week since Alex's disapperance.

" Relax Nikita. She is fine. She called me this morning. She is missing you." Sean said calmly

" Then why she doesn't talk to me?" Nikita asked angrily.

" Because she needs sometime, Nicky. She will come back, soon." Michael replied

" Guys, I am sorry to interrupt but someone is calling Division" Sonya informed the others, "I don't recognise the signal and I can't trace it" she added

" What?" Michael said

" Put it on the screen. Let's see who it is." Nikita ordered

" Hi, guys, nice to see you, again" a man's voice said

" Tom?" Sean asked and he saw the man on the screen nodding "What's wrong? Is Alex ok?" he asked nerviously

" Relax, Sean, she is fine. But we have a situation here and she wanted to inform you" Tom replied and smiled softly.

" What's wrong?" Nikita asked

" Well, we find one of your rogues agents, his undercover name is Harry Brown. And we don't know what to do with him. Do you want to take him in or we should take care of him as we wish?" Tom explained the situation.

" How did you find him? and how do you know who he is?" Nikita asked.

Tom was about to answer the question when the door behind him opened and Alex entered the room quickly.

" Tom, we run out of time. You can chat later. You have three minutes." Alex said

" What happened to your hand? Are you bleeding?" Tom asked worried

" As I said before, we run out of time. " Alex said and then she heard gunshots.

" Forget the answer. Take him with you and I will meet you at the extraction point " Alex shouted

" What are you going to do?" Tom asked as he stepped up to untie their prisoner.

" What do you think?" Alex replied and stared at him.

" No. No. No. Alex NOO!" Tom yelled at her.

" You can't hold them back by yourself" he added

" Do you have any other ideas?" Alex asked him

" GUYSSSSSSSS WHAT IS GOING ON?" Sean yelled.

" We will call you later" Tom said and turned off the call

" I will meet you outside" Alex said and ran towards the gunshot to help her team get out safely

" What the hell just happened?" Nikita yelled.

" I don't know, Nikita" Birkoff said and kept typing something at his computer.

" They will be fine.." Michael tried to persuade the others.

" I am gonna kill her, when she comes back" Nikita shouted angrily

* * *

After 3 hours...

" Guys, they are calling us again!" Birkoff screamed in relief

" Put them through" Sean ordered and he saw Michael and Nikita ran into the ops.

" Hi, again! Alex is fine, Sean, she is with Harry. She will come later." Tom said and laughed

" Don't make fun at me" Sean shouted.

" I don't. I am just happy. She loves you and I am glad to see that you love her, too" Tom explained calmly

" Of course and I love her" Sean admitted

" what happened back there?" Nikita asked anxious.

" Nothing that we can't handle. " Tom said " Now, I really want to chat with you guys but Alex is going to kick my ass if I don't give her soon enough an answer. How do we procceed with Harry?" Tom added

" Please tell me that you have an answer, Tom. I can't spend one more minute with this jerk" Alex said and entered the room.

" Good timing" Tom said and smiled.

" Really, Tom? You still don't have an answer?" Alex asked in surprise and smiled.

She walked towards to Tom and she hit him softly in the head.

" I told you that I want an answer. I am running out of patience with this guy." Alex said

" And I told you that the doctor is looking for you, but you haven't visited him yet" Tom replied

Alex made a grimace of disgust.

" I think that I am going to change" Alex said and walked to the bed and picked up a red tank.

" How is your arm?" Tom asked anxious

" What's wrong with her arm?" Sean yelled anxious.

Alex went near to Tom so that Sean can see her and smiled

" Hi Sean!" Alex said and she smiled to him

" What's wrong with your hand?" Sean asked again inpatiently.

Alex gave Tom an angry look and she said

"It's nothing, Sean. I will be fine" Alex reassured him.

" Alex. What's wrong with your hand?" Nikita asked her angrily.

" Nothing. End of discussion." Alex said coldly.

" Tom, finish this conversation, please. We need to move." Alex ordered and exitted the room

" What's wrong with her?" Nikita asked

" Hmm... She needs time, Nikita.. and she doesn't really like to speak about her arm" Tom tried to explain

" What is that supposed to mean?" Nikita asked him angrily " Why she doesn't speak to me?'' she added

" Don't put me in the middle, girls. I don't know why she doesn't speak to you, Nikita. She didn't tell me anything. She doesn't speak with anyone about your relationship, you are an out of limit topic. But something has really upset her." Tom said

" What happened to her arm?" Michael asked

" Amanda" Tom said simply

" What?" Sean asked in shock.

" When she saved Nikita from Amanda, Amanda reopened Alex's bullet wound and we have a little trouble in closing it again, she injected her with something and everytime that someone hit her in her arm, she starts bleeding again, we are close to find a cure but she doesn't rest at all. She wants to be sure that we are all ok. She speaks with everyone every day, she is patrolling our area, she enters the buildings first and she leaves last. I haven't managed to follow her schedule. I don't know how she manages all the things that she does. She doesn't sleep a lot and when she does eee..she has nightmares and she wakes up shaking. I don't know how she hasn't collapsed yet" Tom said

" She is a survivor" Nikita replied calmly.

" I need to go and make it sure that Alex is going to take her medicines, so I really need an answer" Tom continued

" We will take him" Michael replied

" Fine. We will activate his tracker when he is in position. You can guess who is going to patrol the area so don't try anything stupid. See you, soon" Tom said and turned off the video.

A few hours later Birkoff has finally caught the signal of Harry's tracker and the team was sent to Ukranie to pick him up...

" Nikita, the perimeter is clear...we can move in..." Michael said

" Ok, guys, let's do it" Nikita said and they all entered the building carefully with the guns in their hands and ready for battle. They followed the hallaway and they entered a room and then they saw a man tied up in a chair and quite beaten.

" Are you ok?" Nikita asked and approached him.

" Yes. Who are you?" Harry asked in return

" My name is Nikita, I am Division" Nikita replied softly and untied him

" That crazy russian bitch asked me to give you that letter, it's for you. I am pretty sure that she is going to kill me if I don't do as she said, so can you please make sure that she will know that I completed my task?" Harry said scared

" Hey, man, this crazy russian bitch is my girlfriend, so be careful" Sean said angrily

" Yes, sure" Nikita replied and took the letter from Harry's hands.

" What are you doing here? and how did they catch you?" Michael asked calmly still pointing a gun to Harry's head.

" I was on a kill mission" Harry said

" Who was the target?" Nikita asked

" They didn'tell me that I was going on a suicide mission. She kicked my ass in no time, and she kicked my men, too. I don't know how she did that. I have never seen something like that before" Harry said.

Suddenly, they heard a female voice

" I had a good trainer" Alex replied " Guys, they have the package. Let's move" she added and then before anyone can understand what have just happened, Alex exitted the room and disappeared again.

" Alex?" Sean asked in shock

" She was my target.." Harry said

" What? Who send you to kill Alex?" Nikita asked surprised

" The russia mafia..." Harry replied quickly

" Why?" Michael asked

" I don't ask question,man, I just do as I am told" Harry replied

* * *

At Nikita's and Michael's appartment 2 days later...

Nikita was having again one of her nightmares. She was seeing Alex dying on her arms. She was so worried about her. She couldn't handle being away from her for so long. It was excruciating. She suddenly woke up, breathing heavily. She stood there at her bed next to the man that she loved and read one more time Alex's letter.

_Nikita,_

_I am really really sorry. I don't want to hurt you but I need some time. I will talk to you again soon. I promise._

_I love you, Sensei._

What's wrong, Alex? What Amanda did to you? What did I do to you? Why you don't talk to me? I miss you so much..she thought.

Then, she felt a hand touching her shoulder.

" Nikita, what's wrong?" Michael asked

" I miss her" Nikita cried

" She will come back, Nikita. She will" Michael reassurred

" Why is she avoiding me?" Nikita whispered

" I don't know sunshine. I don't know. Come back to bed with me." Michael said and kissed her gently in the back.

" I think I will go jogging" Nikita said and stepped out of the bed.

Suddenly her phone rang.

" Hello?" she said

Silence

" Hello?" she repeated

" It's me. I just wanted to make sure that you are alright." someone responded

" Alex? where are you?" Nikita asked in relief

" It doesn't matter. I will see you soon. Bye" Alex said and turned off the phone.

" It's a start" Michael said behind Nikita.

" Yes, it is" Nikita smiled.


	4. Chapter 4

several days later...

Alex's team was in Manhatan going after a senator who had abused Alex when she was a sex slave. He was the 20th person which Alex has comforted until now. She tried not to kill them if she could avoid it. They were in their safe house making the last arrangments before moving again and Tom was checking the video from the cameras that they had planted in the senator's house yuard.

" Alex! I think that we have a situation here." Tom shouted at Alex.

" What's wrong?" Alex asked worried.

" I think that you should see that" he replied softly

" Show me" Alex said

Tom put a video to play. Someone had entered senator's yard and he was caught by his guards. They had knocked him out and carried him into a storeroom. After awhile a man entered the same storeroom and he exitted covered with blood and ordered his men to continue the interrogation.

" Is that Nikita?" Alex asked in shock

" I think so" Tom replied

" What is she doing here?" Alex asked

" I don't know but I think that she is in big trouble" he said

" I have figured that out. I will go after her. I can't ask anyone to join me in that mission, but I will ask you to let me take care of her, here, until she recovers. Please" Alex said

" You can bring her, here, we will be ok. we understand. And I am not going to let you go outhere by yourself. I promised to Sean that I will have your back. I am coming with you." Tom said and went to take his equipment.

* * *

" Tom..I am going in...cover me from the outside...bring the car I will be out at 10 minutes. Don't do anything stupid. Stay covered. " Alex said and prepared herself for battle

" Go" Tom said calmly.

Alex quickly climbed the tall fench and entered into the senator's houseyard. She ran across it and hide behind the trees. She found the storeroom and she entered, she knocked out the two quards and she continued her way. She stoped when she heard a familiar voice.

" You are done, Nikita. There's nothing you can do. Just tell me where to find Alex" the voice said

_Is that Amanda?_ Alex thought in shock. She kept her gun more tight and she walked foward. She then saw a woman being tied with large chains from the celling, covered with blood and someone behind her with a horsewrip hit her roughly in her back, opposite to the woman there was a screen with Amanda's face. Nikita screamed in pain and was ready to pass out when she heard gunshots from behind and his torturer fell down dead. She tried to understand what was happening when her vision went blure and she passed out.

Quickly, Alex approached the unconsious body and untied it. It fell down in her hug. With care she took it up, placed it in her shoulder in order that her bloody back was exposed to the air and she turned to the woman in the video.

" Let her out of this" Alex said coldly and she shot the screen.

" Tom, I have Nikita. She is unconsious and she is bleeding. Get the car, she needs medical attention" Alex informed her partner and ran out of the building carrying Nikita's body.

* * *

" She is going to be fine, Alex. She needs to rest. I will give you a medical ointment to put on her wounds every 3 hours so that it won't leave any scars. We, also, placed a knife under her pillow as you asked us to do. Be careful." the doctor who took care of Nikita said to Alex.

" I don't want anyone inside Nikita's room without my escort for now. We don't want to scare Nikita." Alex said firmly.

" Don't worry. You know that they don't actually like Nikita. They know some of the things that she did to you and they dislike her. Plus, I think that they are quite afraid of her, she is a legend after all. They won't go near to her without your permission" the doctor said and left the room.

Alex sighed loudly and went to take care of Nikita's wounds. After that she took a sit next to Nikita and stared at her for sometime.

" I am going to bring you something to eat when you wake up, Nikita. Please don't do anything stupid when I am gone" Alex said to an unconscious Nikita one hour later. She stood up and left the room.

* * *

" Hi, Alex. How is she?" Tom asked when she noticed that Alex has left Nikita's room and she was in the down floor with the others.

" She is still out" Alex said sadly.

" How are you?" Tom asked worried.

" I am fine, why?" Alex returned the question to Tom.

" Don't take it wrong but you don't seem fine to me. I know that something bothers you and Nikita doesn't understand why you stopped talking to her. I want to know if having Nikita around, might cause you some trouble. I am worried" Tom replied honestly.

" I don't want to talk about that Tom, but I am fine. Nikita needs medical attention and no matter what I care about her and I will be there when she needs me" Alex said firmly.

" Ok. I accept your answer. How can I help you?" Tom asked.

" Nikita is vegetarian. Can you please make a salad and a juice for her and have someone bring it up to us?" Alex pleaded.

" Of course, Alex" Tom replied softly and went to the kitchen.

Alex took a deep breath and headed back to Nikita. She opened the door to the room and she entered. Suddenly, she froze because she noticed that the bed was empty.

She was about to turn around, when Nikita attacked her and slammed her to the wall and she placed the knife on Alex's throat.

" Alex?" Nikita asked confused when she looked at the person on who she had taken a hold.

" Would you mind remove that knife away from my throat?" Alex asked smiling.

" What?" Nikita asked.

" The knife Nikita. On my throat. Take it off. Now." Alex ordered calmly.

" What? Oh my god. Sorry" Nikita said when she realised what was going on and released Alex from her hold.

" What are you doing out of bed, Nikita?" Alex asked calmly and she walked foward to the chair that she had placed near to Nikita's bed.

" I woke up and freaked out, I guess" Nikita replied softly and went to sit on the bed.

" You don't freak out like that Nikita. So let me ask you again what aree you doing out of the bed." Alex replied patiently and stared at Nikita.

" I didn't know who rescued me and I was confused. I didn't run. I hide and waited. I attacked to the first person who entered the room. You know that I get violent when I am around strangers who haven't make clear their intentions." Nikita said defeated.

" If we wanted to hurt you, we wouldn't have let you untied, with a knife under your pillow" Alex said firmly and with a tone of disapproval.

" Why did you let yourself so exposed to me? I could have killed you. You gave me the knife?" Nikita said.

" You could, but you wouldn't. Not when you have unanswered questions and I gave you the knife because I know that when you are away from Michael, you sleep with one knife under your pillow, you feel safer that way, and I needed you to rest" Alex replied softly.

" How did you find me?" Nikita asked nerviously.

" By coincidence. We were monitoring the place." Alex replied calmly.

" Why did you come for me? why you didn't leave?" Nikita asked defeated.

" Excuse me?" Alex asked confused.

" You don't talk to me anymore. You avoid me. So why did you come for me?" Nikita asked firmly.

" I am sorry for not letting you die!" Alex replied angrily and sarcastically.

" Alex..." Nikita started.

" I came for you because no matter what, I will always come back for you. I am not going to let you die just because I have some unsolved issues" Alex cut her off.

" Alex. Sorry. I didn't mean that you don't care" Nikita apologized.

" No, Nikita. This is exactly what you meant" Alex replied firmly.

" I am sorry" Nikita said defeated and looked away.

" I am not used to let my friends suffer when I have issues with them. If I wanted you dead, I would have killed you when I faked your death. I don't want you dead or hurt no matter what. I am not you. I don't shoot my friends when I am with them if I can avoid it." Alex said angrily.

" Is this about the gunshot to your leg? You know that I am sorry for that" Nikita asked sadly.

" No Nikita. This isn't about your shot. You made a choice that night. I am not happy that you made that choice but I can't do anything. You wanted me out of the field and you did what you thought that you had to do. I am okay with that" Alex replied and her tone softened.

" Then, what is wrong, Alex? Why you don't talk to me? Why you are avoiding me? What did I do to you, Alex?" Nikita pleaded.

" I need some time Nikita." Alex said and walked away from her mentor.

Suddenly the door opened.

" Can I come in?" a female asked from the door.

" Meredith?" Alex asked in surprise and relieved that she didn't have to continue that conversation with Nikita.

" I brought the salad that you asked for Nikita. Tom is preparing the juice right now." Meredith said and showed to Alex a dish full of vegetables.

" You didn't have to explain yourself, Meredith. I just didn't expect you to bring Nikita's salad" Alex replied softly.

" I wanted to make sure that you are okay" Meredith said to Alex and handed the dish to Nikita.

" Thanks" Nikita said automatically.

" You are welcome" Meredith replied with shaked voice avoiding eyes contact.

" For now I am worrying about your emotional state and not mine." Alex replied worried and watched carefully Meredith's reaction.

" Are you ok?" Alex asked firmly.

" I don't know" Meredith replied honestly and let a lonely tear to fall.

" Do you want to talk to Nikita?" Alex asked and wiped Meredith's tear.

" I am not strong enough to follow your example. I can't face my demons and not lose my temper. I can't talk to Nikita without letting my dark side shallow me. It is already difficult" Meredith whispered angrily.

" Meredith, look at me" Alex ordered.

" How can you do it Alex? How can you just forgive?" Meredith asked.

" I might forgive but I don't forget. I might move on but not forgive. You don't have to forgive her, you don't have to forget what she caused you but you must move on, Meredith. You have to face the past somehow. If you don't want to talk to Nikita, don't. But you must face the past." Alex said firmly.

" I can't do it now" Meredith said defeated.

" Nikita will stay with us for a couple of days. So if you want to talk to her, you know where you will find her" Alex replied.

" Alex? When the time comes, can you please be there?" Meredith asked hesitantly.

" Of course, Meredith. If this is what you want, I will be by your side. I will always be by your side, Meredith. You don't have to ask for this." Alex said and hugged Meredith.

" Thanks" Meredith whispered.

" You are welcome" Alex replied softly and smiled.

Meredith started walking out of the room. Suddenly, she paused to the door, she turned around and looked at Alex.

" Alex, you are a great leader. You are a great partner. But the most important, you are a great friend. You are a great person Alex. And I am lucky that I had the chance to work with you, talk to you, be adviced by you and be your friend. Thanks" Meredith said.

" Meredith..." Alex started with watery eyes.

" I don't want you to tell anything. I don't want you to start beating yourself again. No matter what you think of yourself, we think that you are great and we are lucky that we are with you in this journey." Meredith said and closed the door before Alex could reply to any of these.

" They admire you" Nikita stated smiling.

" They shouldn't" Alex finally found her speech.

" I admire you" Nikita confessed.

" You shouldn't." Alex repeated her answer.

" Alex, don't do that to yourself. You are a great person" Nikita replied.

" Whatever. I can't change their minds anyway. They are too stubborn" Alex said.

After some minutes of silence...

" Alex? What did I do to Meredith?" Nikita asked sadly. She knew that she had a dark past and she had hurt a lot of people.

" I can't tell you. She is the one who can answer this question. I am sorry, Nikita" Alex replied sadly.

" Eat your salad" Alex added.

" I am not hungry" Nikita whispered.

" Nikita don't be a child. Eat your salad and after that I will take care of your wounds. You need your power to help with your recovery" Alex said.

Suddenly, Alex heard a knock on the door.

" Come in" Alex ordered.

" Hi, Alex. Hi, Nikita. It is good to see you safe and sound again. How are you?" a man said

" Hi Tom. I am fine. Thanks for rescuing me" Nikita said and smiled.

" I didn't do anything. Alex rescued you. I was instructed to stay in the car out of trouble" Tom replied smiling.

" Don't look at me like that Alex. She has the right to know who her savior was" Tom said when he noticed Alex's murderous gaze.

" I see that you brought her juice. Thanks." Alex said and gestured to Tom to hand the juice to Nikita.

" Don't change the subject Alex!'' Tom shouted.

" Tom." Alex said with a warning tone.

" Fine. I won't say anything more." Tom gave up his effort to make Alex speak to Nikita about what was going on.

" Good choice" Alex said in relief.

" What am I missing here?" Nikita asked confused.

" Nothing" Alex replied and stared at Tom.

" Alex are you bleeding?" Tom asked in shock and ran towards Alex.

Alex looked down to her arm and sighed loudly.

" Not again" Alex said in frustation.

" I though that you were cured!" Tom yelled at her.

" Hey, don't yell at me! I don't enjoy bleeding. We have some complications with the virus." Alex shouted back.

" Virus? Complications? What the hell is going on?" Nikita asked in confusion.

" Tom can you stay with Nikita please? I want to speak with Meredith and I think that I have to change the bandage on my arm. It won't take a long. 10 minutes top. I have to take care of Nikita's wounds in 15 minutes anyway." Alex asked politely.

" Yes, of course" Tom said.

" I need that information, Tom. I don't want any unexpected events to compromise our mission." Alex said and looked at Tom.

" Ok. I will talk to her" Tom replied.

" And..." Alex said letting Tom continue her sentence.

" And I won't answer any questions about our mission, our agents, our targets" Tom replied sadly.

" And..." Alex repeated.

" And you are an out of limits topic in general" Tom answered defeated.

" Great!" Alex replied and smiled at Tom.

Then she turned to face Nikita.

" Nikita, I want to believve that you will cooperate with Tom. I want to think of you as my guest but if you endanger the lifes of my partners or our mission, I have no problem to consider you as my prisoner and trust me it won't be a pleasant experience for you." Alex said and left the room before Nikita could reply.

" Did she just threaten me?" Nikita asked Tom in complete shock and confusion.

" She takes our safety very seriously." Tom tried to explain Alex's behaviour.

" And I am the threat?" Nikita asked angrily being unable to understand Alex's behaviour.

" You are a potentional threat and she warned you not to become a real one. Don't take it in a wrong way. She has given you the opportunity to prove yourself as an ally. She rescued you, she took care of your wounds, she let you in our safehouse, she didn't handcuff you and she didn't torture the information out of you yet. She has given you the chance to cooperate, but if you back-stab her or you become a real threat, she will take actions. She gave you the chance, don't let her down. She is not going to give you another one" Tom said softly.

" I feel so much better now" Nikita said sarcastically with sadness in her voice.

" You should." Tom replied firmly


	5. Chapter 5

" We can continue our chit-chat later, I don't want to piss off Alex right now. She is not in a good mood. I have to ask you some questions and please answer me" Tom said calmly.

" Ok. Tell me what you want to know" Nikita replied and let her salad on the nightstand.

" What are you doing here, Nikita?" Tom asked.

" I was on a mission" Nikita said.

" What mission?" Tom asked again.

" Personal" Nikita replied unwilling to give more details.

" Nikita, please. Cooperate. We are talking about our safety, about Alex's safety, about your safety. Please. If you endanger our lifes, you will have to face the consequences and we don't want that. Don't let down Alex again. She is not going to forgive you if you cause someone's death." Tom tried to reason Nikita.

" I can't tell you. I will answer that question only to Alex" Nikita said firmly.

" Fine. It is your choice. I warned you. Don't piss Alex off. Not today" Tom replied in a warning tone.

" Who else is with you?" Tom continued the interrogation.

" None. I am alone" Nikita said sadly.

" Where is Michael, Sean? Why they don't have your back?" Tom asked confused.

" There aren't here. They don't know that I am on a mission. I take it behind their back" Nikita replied honestly.

" Why?" Tom asked worried.

" Because it was a secret. I didn't want them to worry. I will explain to Alex." Nikita said.

" Who knows where you are?" Tom asked.

" Birkoff" Nikita replied softly.

" Do you have to report to him or anything? Does he know that you were in trouble?" Tom questioned.

" I don't think that he knows that I am in trouble but he will suspect it soon" Nikita answered.

" How did you get caught by Amanda's men?" Tom asked.

" Senator's house is Shop's front. Amanda works with the Shop. She was informed about the bridge in the security. I got caught and they interrogated me about Alex's location. What does Amanda want Alex about?" Nikita replied.

" Great, we have problem. You should ask Alex" Tom replied.

* * *

At the same time downstairs...

" Meredith? Can you help me with my arm please?" Alex asked trying to move Meredith in a more private place so that they can talk.

" Of course" Meredith replied and walked straight to the medical room followed by Alex.

" You are bleeding again?" Meredith asked anxious.

" Unfortunately" Alex said sadly.

" Let me see" Meredith said and started working on Alex's wounded arm.

" Are you ok?" Alex asked worried.

" I am fine" Meredith said.

" You don't have to lie to me, Meredith." Alex stated.

" I am not fine. Happy now" Meredith said angrily.

" You have to face her. She doesn't bite. She will understand." Alex mentioned.

" I know. But I am not ready to face my feelings. I will face her tomorrow. I promise." Meredith said.

" It will be fine. Don't worry. You will be fine" Alex reassurred her.

" Thank you, Alex." Meredith thanked her.

"For what?" Alex asked surprised.

" For being there for me" Meredith replied softly.

" You don't have. Thanks for your help. I need to go back to Nikita and change her bandages. Can you pass me the medical kit?" Alex said.

" Here you are. Be safe" Meredith said and handed the medical supplies to Alex

* * *

" It is time to change your bandages, Nikita." Alex said entering Nikita's room.

" What?" Nikita asked confused.

" Come on. Turn around. Face on the pillow." Alex ordered and walked towards Nikita's bed, she kneeled down and took out Nikita's old bandages.

She took a deep breathe when she saw the scars on her back. She closed her eyes and sighed loudly. She took out the medical ointment and gently she took care of Nikita's wounds. She could feel Nikita shaking under her touch and the pain inside Alex got higher. Those scars should be on her back. Amanda tortured Nikita because of her. She finished the treatment and put some new bandages on the wounds.

" Whenever you want, you can stand up. I am finished." Alex said trying not to show in her voice her emotional pain.

" Thanks" Nikita whispered.

" You are welcome" Alex said and felt a hand on her shoulder. She turned around and saw Tom standing beside her.

" Come here" Tom instructed Alex and Alex stood up while Nikita turned around and put herself in a sitting position.

Tom took Alex aside.

" This isn't your fault" Tom whispered in Alex's ears so that Nikita couldn't hear.

" Yes, it is. It should be me. Amanda is after me. I double-cross Amanda, not Nikita. It happened because of me" Alex whispered angrily.

" Stop blaming yourself for everything." Tom whispered in return.

" I can't" Alex said honestly and looked him in the eyes.

" STOP IT" Tom said louder and angrier. Nikita heard that and looked at the two partners confused.

" Don't " Alex replied with a warning tone.

" please" Tom pleaded.

Alex didn't respond. Suddenly, she punched the wall with force and she started bleeding from her fingers.

" What the hell?" Nikita yelled in shock.

" Don't push me more Tom." Alex warned him.

Tom didn't reply. Instead he hugged her tightly.

" Tom?" Alex asked in surprise. She expected screams and lecture but not a hug.

" You have to take it out. It will kill you. Please, Alex" Tom said.

Alex didn't say anything more, she hugged him back and she let some tears to fall.

" Thank you" she said when they pulled apart.

" My pleasure. Do you want me to take care of your fingers?" Tom said smiling.

" No, thanks. I am fine" Alex said and returned the smile.

" What the hell is going on? Are you crazy? You punched the wall?" Nikita yelled in complete shock.

Alex and Tom laughed loudly seeing Nikita's reaction.

" back on business, now" Alex ordered smiling.

" She is alone, no back-up. Only Birkoff knows about the mission. I don't know what mission. Senator is connected with the shop. So does Amanda" Tom debriefed her.

" That complicates the things. Send a message to Birkoff and let him know that Nikita is fine." Alex stated worried.

" Nikita. What was your mission?" Alex asked.

" Senator has in his possession a file about Michael's family. Amanda called me and threatened to publish it" Nikita said sadly.

" Why did you come alone?" Alex asked.

" Michael is spending some time with Max, Sean is worried about you. I didn't want them to worry. They have other things to do." Nikita replied softly.

" You will have to understand sometime before you get killed that you aren't alone anymore, Nikita. You have people looking after your back, you are part of a team, you are part of a family" Alex lectured calmly.

" Look who speaks! You didn't consider any of this when you decided to leave" Nikita replied angrily.

" At least, I didn't leave alone" Alex said harsh.

" Did you get Michael's file?" Alex added softly.

" No. It is in a safe inside Senator's bedroom. I didn't manage to get inside" Nikita said defeated.

" And this is going to change our mission. First goal; retrieve the file." Alex said seriously.

" Alex, you can't continue with this mission. Amanda will expect Nikita to come. Quards will be everywhere. You can't break in and get out alive." Tom shouted.

" Who told you that I am going to break in Senator's house?" Alex said amused.

" What do you mean?" Tom and Nikita asked in union.

" I will get inside from the front door. I will be invited." Alex said smiling sadly and took out her cell phone.

" Hello?" a man answered the phone.

" Senator Mayson?" Alex asked softly.

" Yes. Who are you?" Senator asked confused.

" I am someone who likes it tough while she is handcuffed, _daddy" _Alex said in a seductive tone.

" Sasha?" Senator asked in disbelief.


	6. Chapter 6

" Sasha?" the senator asked in disbelief.

" It is Alexandra. But you can continue calling me Sasha, I don't mind, daddy" Alex replied playfully.

" What do you want?" the senator asked confused.

" I am in Manhatan and I have missed you" Alex replied softly.

" Missed me?" the senator asked unable to understand what is going on.

" You were my favorite client. I loved our times together. And of course I have missed you. I have missed your touch, your taste, your smell. I have missed your punchs on my stomach while you explode inside me. I have missed your handcuffs. I have missed your kisses. I have missed the wonderful sex that we have together" Alex said seductively.

" What about your boyfriends?" the senator asked and he found it difficult to keep his voice stable.

" Boyfriends? You are funny! The kids today are really soft, they are too afraid to make me scream or hit me. You are the only one who could make me scream out of pleasure and pain, daddy. You are the only one who can make beg for more beating. You are better than my boyfriends" Alex said calmly and felt guilty and disgust of what she was saying.

" I have missed you, too, Sasha. You are the only one who can play along with my tastes. The others usually pass out before the fun starts." the senator took the bait.

" So...?" Alex asked playing her part.

" You are wanted here. Amanda wants your head. It is not safe" the senator said. He couldn't stand to loose Sasha, now.

" I just want to be your little bitch for one last time. You can hand me to Amanda tomorrow. I won't go anywhere, you know that. I will be tied on your bed. Come on. This is my last wish, daddy." Alex said provoquing the senator.

" Fine. I will wait you in 2 hours. I will call Amanda tomorrow. Tonight is about us. I am going now to bring our toys. See you soon baby" the senator said and hung off the phone.

" I am going to need a drink" Alex said when she turned off the phone.

" You can't be serious?" Tom pulled himself out of the shock and yelled at Alex.

Alex didn't answer but stared at him with a gaze full of meanings.

" Oh my God. You are serious." Tom yelled devastated.

" I can't let a 7 years old boy to get involved into this mess." Alex said calmly.

" But Alex.. you can't... this act will kill you from the inside... Alex please" Tom tried to form a sentence.

" I will deal with my emotions after the mission is over" Alex stated calmly.

" What if he raped you?" Tom whispered.

" I am capable to protect myself. And afterall rape isn't his first option. His tastes are weird.. I am more afraid about the time before we enter his bedroom than after that. I would have to play along until I am in his bedroom." Alex explained.

" And what are you going to do until you get inside? Let him violate you?" Tom shouted.

" I will do what I have to do" Alex stated firmly.

" What about Sean?" Tom asked trying to reason Alex and make her change her mind.

" Something that he doesn't know, can't hurt him" Alex said and looked at Nikita.

" Nikita, you aren't going to tell anything to Sean, are you?" Alex asked worried.

" No. I am not going to tell him anything because you are not going to do whatever you plan to do!" Nikita said when she found her voice again.

" Nikita. Can I trust you that you aren't going to tell anything to Sean while I am not there?" Alex asked seriously.

" Nikita. Answer my question" Alex ordered.

" Yes. I won't ruin your relationship" Nikita said with watery eyes.

" Good!" Alex replied in relief.

" Alex, don't do that." Nikita pleaded.

" Guys, relax. I will be fine." Alex tried to reassure them and herself.

" Fine? This guy if I have got it well, he used to beat the hell out of you and I am pretty sure that your screams weren't a mix of pleasure and pain, but a mix of physical and emotional pain. You were raped and beaten up at the same time" Tom exclaimed with anger and disguise.

" And I am not planing to get raped again any time soon" Alex tried to calm him.

" Beaten?" Nikita asked in shock when she realised that Alex hasn't said anything about the beating part.

" That is a different topic... You need the file, so yes I will get beaten." Alex said and looked away.

" I am not going to let you go to that man.. " Nikita said firmly.

" I don't see exactly what you can do to stop me. You don't have a choice. This isn't negociable. I don't like how the things have turned around but I am not going to let Max become a target without a fight" Alex replied.

" I am not going to let you WHORE yourself to that man!" Nikita yelled and stood up.

" I didn't ask for your permission." Alex said coldly and exited the room. She slid down to the wall and let her tears fall. She didn't want to do that. She didn't want to be near this man for a minute. She didn't want to feel his touch ever again. But she had to get inside and assure Max's safety. She had to do that. She took a deep breath and went down in order to prepare herself for the meeting.

" Did you really have to call her a whore?" Tom asked with a tone of disapproval.

" I am sorry" Nikita whispered defeated and sat on the bed.

" No, Nikita. You don't get to tell her that she is a whore." Tom said angrily.

" I just wanted to shake her" Nikita defended herself.

" It isn't her choice. It never was. She was a slave, Nikita, a slave. She didn't ask for any of this. She didn't ask to be sold in the black market like a piece of meat, she didn't ask to be raped millions of time. And now, she didn't ask for a little boy to be involved. She can't let him suffer if she can do something and this is the only way to get inside and we all know it. She didn't choose that. I don't like what she is going to do and I know for sure that she hates herself right now and that it will kill her. But she will do it because she cares about you and Michael. So you don't get to call her a whore. " Tom lectured Nikita.

" I didn't mean it. I know that it wasn't her choice. It was mine. I am the one who handed her to the chauffer who sold her" Nikita confessed.

" I know." Tom replied simply.

" You know?" Nikita asked surprised.

" I know Alex's history Nikita. We work together since the day she learnt that you killed her father." Tom said softly.

" What?" Nikita asked confused.

" You don't know what this team is, do you?" Tom asked.

" No, I don't." Nikita replied honestly.

" When you and Alex took different ways, you thought that Alex betrayed your goal to take down Division. She didn't. She found agents for differents agencies who had suffered from Division and we worked all together to take it down. She had Division's missions, we have the mission to stop Alex from completing her mission. When you reunite with Alex, our job was easier. We never stopped working change our goals but we kept being a team. We stpped terrorists attacked, we helped children, we tried to change the world. After awhile, the missions turned to be more personal and we realised that only together we can complete the personal missions. She helped us all to complete our missions. Now we are standing by her side until she completes her. She didn't want us to be involved but when she understood Amanda's plan regarding the munity, we persuade her to let us help her. So we kept going. She never betrayed your goal. She never switched sides." Tom explained to Nikita.

" What is your mission now? What Division did to you?" Nikita asked in shock learning the truth about Alex's team.

" I can tell you our mission and please don't ask me again. Division killed my parents and my sisters when I learnt the truth about them, as a warning not to expose them. I am NSA by the way" Tom said sadly.

" Have I hurt anyone of this team?" Nikita asked worried.

" Yes" Tom replied simply.

" Meredith?" Nikita gasped.

" And Alex." Tom mentioned.

" And Alex" Nikita agreed.

" What about the rest of the team?" Nikita asked.

" Someone else from inside Division messed up with their lives. They don't like anyone who was or is Division and they don't like you because you hurt Alex. They don't know the whole story. I am the one who knows the most as I was the first ally that Alex had. But I don't think that I know the whole story either. She tries to protect your name and she is not willing to share your bad times or anything that can make the other dislike you more. I don't get it but I have accepted it" Tom said.

" I don't know what to say" Nikita said honestly.

" I don't know neither. But I know for sure that you own to Alex an apology for calling her whore, when she comes back" Tom said and smiled softly to her.

They both turned around when they heard the door knocking.

" Come in" Tom replied.

" Tom, Alex asked me to give you those headphones. She said that you will be able to listen to her conversations through these if you don't trust her. It is one pair for each of you" a man said and handed them the headphones.

" William what else?" Tom asked when he noticed William's face.

" She said..." William paused.

" William speak it out" Tom ordered worried.

" That if you decide to listen to her conversations, you should know that it will be a little bitchy." William said and looked away.

" William? You know that you aren't a good actor" Tom said running out of patience.

" Man, you or Nikita, really pissed her off." William replied angrily.

" What did she say?" Nikita interrupted.

" She will play along like a good bitch. And that she can play whore's role really well, she had spent years studying it. You should be prepared for what you are going to listen." William said sadly and left the room.

" Good job, Nikita. Now, you send a pissed off Alex to a hungry client." Tom said in disbelief.

" Fuck" Nikita said.

" Do you want to hear?" Tom asked Nikita while he placed his headphones in his ears.

" Yes" Nikita said and took her headphones.

They put the headphones in their ears just on time to hear Alex groaning in pain.

_" Are you ok?" the senator asked worried._

_" Next time, I would love it if you could warn me that your welcome gesture is going to be a punch on my face, daddy" Alex answered softly trying to control her feelings. i don't believe that. I am letting this man violate my body again. I am so screwed up today. But I have to play along, for Max. FOR MAX she thought and forced a smile on her face._

_" I have missed you so much. I have forgotten how much I loved to hear you groan" the senator said amused and satisfied._

_" I have missed you too. I have forgotten how rough you can hit me and how hot you are when you do so" Alex replied seductively._

_The senator slammed Alex to the wall and kissed violently. Alex had to close her eyes in order not to freak out and then she gently pushed him away._

_" I have missed you so much" Alex said and kissed him softly feeling disgust by herself._

_" But I want it as we usually had it. I haven't missed the sex in general, I have missed Our sex" Alex said challenging the senator._

_" You want it tough. I want it tough, too. I want to make you beg me to stop the beating and take you on every surface in this house. I like the game" the senator return the challenge._

_" Then let's play" Alex said calmly._

_" Come inside." the senator invited Alex to move from the hallaway to the living room._

" omg. She is crazy. This man is..." Nikita yelled angrily hearing their conversation.

" She is on a suicide mission. How exactly is she going to put herself together after that?" Tom whispered in shock.

" Ooh, Alex. Please, be safe. Please" Nikita whispered.


	7. Chapter 7

" This place hasn't changed at all" Alex said softly looking around.

" It hasn't past really long time since the last time that you were here, darling" the senator replied.

" Yes. You are right." Alex said sadly. All the memories of her time as sex slave were coming back, and remaining calm and playing along were the hardest tasks ever.

" Do you want me to call you Sasha, Alex or Alexandra?" the senator asked amused and sat down on the couch.

" For you, I will always be your Sasha, Daddy" Alex said seductively and sat down near to him.

" I love your casual look. Tank and jean. You are super hot." the senator commented.

" You used to destroy all my outflits in the past. So I put something on that you can take it off easily without me caring if it is going to be destroyed" Alex said like it was obvious.

" You were too expensive and you were only 14 years old, I had to make sure that I will enjoy every cent of my money" the senator apologized.

" I wasn't expensive, I was just the special force of the brothel. My speciality made me expensive" Alex returned.

" What do you mean?" the senator asked confused.

" Do you really want to talk about how the human traffic works?" Alex asked in surprise and disbelief.

" Come on, Sasha. I am not paying you now. We can chat a little. Warm up before the game" the senator pleaded.

" Fine. Inside the brothel, there are different teams with a speciality. The first days they beat you up and rape you until you collapse and then they place you in a team according to your tolerance. Well I could stand an extremely amount of beating so I was placed in the Special Forces. I had only one teammate. She died the first week, I was there." Alex said trying to keep her pain out of her voice.

" Special Forces?" the senator asked in disbelief.

" I took the most difficult cases. I was like the queen inside the brothel, when I was conscious, of course. All the girls tried to keep me alive because they were afraid of the possibiity that I might die and someone will have to replace me. None wants that." Alex said and smiled sadly.

" Explain, please" the senator pleaded.

" Special forces work with violent clients, lesvians and gangs." Alex said simply.

" Gangs? What do you mean gangs?" the senator gasped.

" Two or more men who want to take the same girl at the same time, or want to take rounds with the same girl and then make her choose the best one." Alex explained and walked towards the window.

" Who does that?" the senator asked in disbelief and disgust.

" Trust me a lot of people" Alex said and closed her eyes.

" Come back here. I didn't want to upset you." the seantor said when Alex didn't turn to look at him.

" You didn't upset me. I just don't like to talk about that." Alex replied firmly and took a seat.

" Fine. Let's change the subject." the senator said.

" Your friend was here this morning" the senator said.

" Friend?" Alex asked trying to show that she didn't understand what the senator was talking about.

" Nikita" the senator said calmly.

" Friend? Intresting choice of words in order to describe Nikita" Alex replied. She needed to play along.

" Someone rescued her" the senator added. He wasn't yet persuaded about Alex's motives.

" Too bad. Did you enjoy your time with her? Did she pain?" Alex asked like she didn't care at all about Nikita, like she wanted Nikita to suffer.

" She didn't scream as much as I wanted her to. What happened between you two? I heard that you have your issues again" Seanator said.

" Why do you want to destroy my mood tonight? Really? You want to talk about Nikita?" Alex asked in disbelief.

" If you aren't here to finish Nikita's mission, then why are you here?" the senator asked seriously.

" Finish Nikita's mission? I haven't talked with Nikita for weeks and I am not looking foward anyway. I am here because I missed the tension of our time. I am here because I need a hold on my past. A reminder of what I am. I am here because I missed you." Alex shouted offended.

" You escaped, Sasha! You escaped! You choose to run away from me" the senator yelled and stared at her.

" I didn't escape you, George Mayson! I escaped the death! You were the only one who cared about not killing me. You were the only one who stopped to have a check up on me when I was ready to pass out. I didn't escape you. I escaped those who let me bleeding to death, I escaped those who let me unconscious for days because of their merciless beating, I escaped those who raped my unconscious body! I didn't escape you!" Alex yelled in frustation. And she was telling the truth. For the first time this evening, she was telling the truth.

" Sasha..." the senator started.

" I can stand a lot. But I am human. And I have my limits. Since the first day in that hole, I was planning my escape. When I found the opportunity, I took it. I didn't escape you. When I was with you, I felt safe. Because I knew that I wouldn't die by your violence. I knew that I would leave the room alive, bleeding and bruised, but alive, not in a body bag." Alex cut him off.

" I didn't know." the senator whispered in shock.

" Can we finish the conversation now. I came here because I wanted to scream, not talk" Alex said angily.

" I have something for you" the senator said and walked behind his desk. He opened a drawer and took out a syrigne.

" Cetamene?" Alex whispered in shock and froze completely. She didn't know how to react in this. She hasn't taken this aspect into account.

" I know that you are clean now but if you want, it is here for you." the senator said and smiled.

" I have three reasons why I shouldn't take your offer. First of all, I know that Amanda loves to re-introduce me to the drugs. I don't want to take that pleasure away from her. She would love to drug me tomorrow" Alex said calmly.

" Secondly, my favorite is heroine, no cetamene. Thirdly, I can stand much more when I am clean" she added in a provocative way.

" But I like you when you are dizzy" the senator said amused.

" I am sure that we can find a better, more intresting way to make me dizzy" Alex said and stood in front of him, with her hands on the desk.

" You are going to let me drink and beat you up?" the senator asked satisfied from Alex's response.

" Of course. I told you, I missed our game" Alex replied softly and she reminded to herself that it was for Max.

The senator stood up and took a knife in his hand. He touched Alex's body with that and stopped to her neck, near to her pulse point.

" Here?" the senator asked for her permission.

" Anywhere you want" Alex replied and pressed herself to the knife.

The senator pushed the knife to Alex's flesh and cut her deeply in three differents spots near to her pulse point. Blood started running out of her cuts.

" May I?" the senator asked to continue.

" You don't have to ask. Start the game" Alex said and took a deep breathe.

The senator closed the gap and hugged Alex's body, his hands moving up and down, cupping her hips and her breasts, his mouth on her neck ' drinking' her blood.

" You taste amazing" the senator took a pause and Alex moaned in response unable to form any kind of sentence without giving up her cover story. She just wanted to push him away and run.

" Oh God. I love you" the senator said in return to Alex's moans.

He lifted Alex up and slammed her to the wall continuing his twisted drink. After some minutes Alex pushed him away.

" I am starting to feel dizzy" she informed him when she couldn't control herself anymore.

" Do you want to move up?" she asked nervously. She wanted all of this to end quickly.

" Can we do and the next part here? Some screams only. Take it off" the senator ordered and pointed to Alex's jacket. Alex obeyed and was left with a white tank.

" What happened to your arm?" the senator asked curiously when he noticed the bandage.

" I had an accident" Alex said and felt senator's hands take off the bandage and reveal her wound.

" Screams?" Alex asked with fear in her voice when she realised what was coming next.

" Yeah" the senator yelled amused and pressed his thumb into Alex's sore wound and reopened it, blood covered his fingers and he yelled satisfied when she heard Alex screaming out of pain.

He took his other hand and punched Alex on the stomach. Alex fell on her knees groaning out of pain.

" Yes. That is something that I wanted to hear" the senator grinned and took out his belt from his pants. He started hitting Alex with force when he heard her asking for something.

" If you are going to hit me, do it with your hands, not with your belt. I want to feel your warmth" Alex said firmly and looked up at him, still lying on the floor.

Senator smiled and he kicked her hard on her waist. Alex screamed and arched her body in pain.

" Take her to my bedroom" the senator ordered his men and three men carried Alex's body into senator's bedroom...

* * *

" Oh my God, Alex. I am so so sorry! I didn't know. I am so sorry!" Nikita cried and let some tears to fall when she heard Alex's words.

" Alex. Hung on. Please. Why did you have to do that, Alex? I know that you want to protect your family and I know that this is the only way but you are going to get yourself killed" Tom whispered to himself with watery eyes.

" Did you know about Special Forces?" Nikita asked with grave voice.

" No. You can't just say to someone that you worked with violent clients, lesvians and gangs! Gangs! This world is so fuckingtwisted. It was already difficult for her to tell me that she was a sex slave when I asked her about her nightmares, she didn't tell me details!" Tom exclaimed angrily.

" Ooh... wait... Alex doesn't scream when she has nightmares, she is unexpected quiet... how do you know about them?" Nikita asked confused.

" What?" Tom asked in surprise. He hasn't realised that he said something that would cause him problems later until now.

" Omg! You were sleeping with Alex!" Nikita shouted in shock.

" Nikita.." Tom tried to defend himself.

" Don't you dare lie to me about that!" Nikita warned him.

" You should talk to Alex about that. I am not saying anything. I am not denying or accepting anything. Anyway, she didn't tell me any details about her time as a sex slave. I assumed that it was too painful. Obviously I was right. Who does that to an innocent child?" Tom returned their conversation back to the begining avoiding to talk about Alex's relationship with him.

" I did that to her. I am responsible for every scar that she has on her body, every beat that she took in her life, every rape that she lived. I am responsible" Nikita said devastated.

" Nikita, she doesn't blame you for any of these." Tom said calmly when he heard Nikita's pained tone.

" Why? Why is she always so forgiving? Why? The only thing that I have done to her, is causing her pain. She should have hated me. I am responsible for everything." Nikita cried.

" I don't know why she loves you, but she does and she doesn't blame you for any of these. So stop beating yourself up." Tom said firmly.

" But.." Nikita started.

" It is not your choice if Alex loves you or hates you. Now shut up and listen. Senator entered the room" Tom cut her off.

* * *

" So Sasha, are you ready for the explosion?" the senator asked while he entered his bedroom and unbuttoned his pants.

" You have already unbuttoned your pants. Why did you bother to ask me?" Alex said sarcastically and lied to the bed.

" I was born ready for that, daddy. Come..." Alex replied seductively.


	8. Chapter 8

" I was born ready for that, daddy. Come..." Alex replied seductively.

The senator grinned satisfied and walked towards Alex. When he was few steps away from her, he fell on his knees groaning out of pain. Alex's knee has landed with force to his guts. He was about to tell something when Alex kick him hard on the chest and he fell back with his back on the floor. Alex walked towards him, she stood up above him and placed her heel on his neck threateningly.

" Sasha.." the senator gasped in surprise.

" You should learn some things about me, senator. I can stand a lot, but you again inside me is something that I am not willing to go through again anytime soon. The only reason why I came here and I played Sasha's role again, is because you mess up with my family. I will ask you only once, where is the file?" Alex said firmly.

" In the safe" the senator replied scared.

" Code?" Alex asked seriously.

" 4923" the senator answered honestly.

" Who did the research? " Alex continued her interrogation.

" He is dead now. I killed him when he gave me the file. His name was David Megan." the senator replied and stood still on the floor, afraid that Alex is going to break his neck if he moves.

" Who has read the file? Is there a copy?" Alex asked calmly.

" None. I didn't open it. I didn't make copies. I would deliver it tomorrow to Amanda. We only know that Michael has a family. I swear!" the senator pleaded.

" So this is all about Nikita? All this act was about Nikita?" the senator asked.

" No. It wasn't about Nikita. It was about someone else." Alex responded honestly. _It was about Max. We chose this life, he didn't. I am not going to let an innocent child to suffer_ Alex thought and knocked the senator out.

He left his unconscious body and ran towards the safe. She entered the code and opened. He found the file and took it in her hands. She hide it under her tank and started walking out of the room still bleeding from her arm and her neck and bruised. She stopped beside senator's unconscious body. She looked down at him and she noticed that he was about to gain consciousness again.

" I didn't kill you tonight because I meant what I said before. I felt safe with you, I knew that I wouldn't die when I was with you. I am returning you the favor. But... I warn you, if you lied to me and the context of this file gets published, I will haunt you down and I will make sure that you will die suffering" Alex said seriously and she knocked him out once more. She exited the bedroom and she met his bodyguards.

" He doesn't want to be interrupted right now. He is too tired from ...our experience" Alex said playfully.

The bodyguards laughed and they let her pass through them. She was about to exit the house, when she heard a familiar voice from the distance.

" Sasha... leaving so soon? Without telling me a goodbye?" a man asked softly.

Alex froze and felt nauseau.

" Julian?" Alex said with terror in her voice and she turned around. Her eyes opened in shock when she saw a man sitting casually on the couch and drinking whisky.

" I am so glad that I don't have to re-introduce myself" Julian said sarcastically.

" Don't leave yet. I want to talk to you for awhile. Then you are free" Julian added seriously.

" What do you want Julian?" Alex asked harsh.

" I wanted to see it with my eyes. I wanted to see with my eyes that you are alive." Julian replied and smiled.

" Not thanks to you" Alex returned firmly.

" Still tough. I like it. I broke you once, I will break you again." Julian said firmly.

" Good luck with that." Alex replied coldly.

" It took me months and a lot of energy and creativity but I break you, Alexandra. I made you a bitch. You were my puppy. I won." Jullian said and stood up.

" You were torturing me and raping me for months. I don't call that winning. I did what I had to do in order to survive. You broke me, yes. Congratulations. You managed to break a 13 years old girl after months of merciless abuse. I hope that you feel proud of yourself. I was your little bitch." Alex replied coldly as ice.

" I will break you again" Julian commented casually.

" There is nothing that you can do to me that you haven't done it already. Why do you care so much anyway?" Alex said firmly.

" I care because you are my mission. I will break you. And my boss will be really happy. I am sure that she would love to see you break." Julian explained softly.

" She?" Alex asked worried.

" Amanda." Julian replied.

" You work with Amanda now?" Alex asked nervously. This was getting worse.

" She found me. She asked me if I could break you once more. She is mad at you. I took the job." Julian said calmly.

" As I said before, good luck with that. You should have known better by now. You can break my body, you can take my body, but I will never be yours. You will never get what you want." Alex replied seriously and felt her eyes burning from the tears that she was keeping back.

" You are a slut, Alexandra. A cheap whore. You will be mine when I am done with you." Julian shouted angrily.

" Yes, Julian. I was a whore, maybe I still am. Some people seem to believe that once a whore, always a whore. But a whore sells her body, her skills not her heart and her love. I will never be yours." Alex replied angrily.

" Then, I will make it sure that you won't give your heart to anyone else" Julian threatened.

" It is too late for that Julian. I don't own my heart anymore. I have handed it to the people that I call family. And no matter what, my heart will always be theirs." Alex replied firmly.

" I will always take what I want." Julian said and walked towards her.

" You have never taken what you wanted." Alex replied and stared at his eyes.

" I have Amanda by my side now, Alexandra. I will make you forget your family. You will be mine." Julian warned.

" Even if I forget about them, I will never be yours. Even if I forget them, they will have my heart. For once again you will have to satisfy yourself with a heartless body. You will never win" Alex replied.

Julian, angry by her words, slapped her hard in the face and Alex groaned out of pain.

" This is the only thing that you are capable of Julian. You can hit me again if you want. If that makes you feel like a man" Alex provoqued him.

" We will break you" Julian said with gritted teeth.

" You can try." Alex replied.

" Tell to Amanda that if she wants war, she will have a war. And tell her not to bother going after innocents because then the rules of the game will change and she will meet Alexandra Udinov- not Alex- and I know that she doesn't want to see this part of me." Alex said and opened the door.

" I suppose that I will see you soon. Bye, Julian" she added and exited the house. She took a deep breathe and walked away. She found the car and opened the door.

" Let's go back home" Alex said to her teammate and took out her bug so that Nikita and Tom couldn't hear anymore.

" Are you ok?" Meredith asked.

" Yes, I will be fine." Alex said and stared out of the window.

" Here we are. None followed us. We are clear." Meredith said and stopped the car.

" Thanks. Let's go inside." Alex replied and exited the car and entered their safehouse.

" What happened?" Jonathan asked when he noticed Alex's bruised and bloody apperance.

" I am going to take a shower. Prepare a meal for our guest." Alex ignored the question.

" Alex.. you are bleeding. You are not going anywhere before I take care of your wounds" the doctor of the team stepped up.

" You will take care of the wounds when I finish my shower and before I go to have a check on the patrolling team. It isn't negociable. William can you please hand this file to Nikita?" Alex said firmly.

" Yes. Of course." William said and took the file in his hands. Alex nodded and went to take a bath.

William went upstairs and entered Nikita's room.

" She asked me to hand you this file" William informed them and let the file on the bed.

" Where is she?" Nikita asked with grave voice.

" She is taking a shower and then she will go to have a check on the patrolling team." William said calmly.

" How is she?" Tom asked worried.

" A bloody mess." William replied sadly.

" Bloody?" Nikita asked anxiously.

" Worse or better than usual?" Tom asked nervously.

" I don't know, Tom. Honestly I don't know. We will see" William said and exited the room.

After one hour...

" Can I come in?" Meredith asked from the door.

" Of course" Tom replied.

" Dinner for both of you" Meredith informed and handed them the dishes.

" How is Alex?" Nikita asked.

" She finished her shower, she let the doctor took care of her, she went to check on the team who is patrolling the area. I think that she will come in a few minutes. She went outside again" Meredith replied calmly.

" And how is she?" Tom asked again.

" I don't know" Meredith replied honestly.

" She didn't tell me anything and her eyes were so emotionless. I really don't know" Meredith added sadly.

" Anything odd with her behavior?" Tom asked worried.

" No, I don't think so. No. Wait. She asked me where we keep the painkillers. She had never asked me for painkillers before" Meredith whispered in shock.

" Omg. She is going to relapse" Nikita shouted and jumped up.

Tom followed her example and run towards the door. They froze when they noticed that Alex was already standing there staring at them.

" I didn't take any drugs" Alex said coldly.

" Alex..." Nikita sighed in relief.

" You can count them if you don't trust me" Alex said to Tom and handed him the bottle.

" Helen is patrolling the area and she is having a headache. She didn't want me to replace her, so I gave her a painkiller. I didn't take drugs" Alex explained calmly, a little offended by Nikita and Tom's reaction.

" How are you?" Tom asked worried.

" I am fine" Alex said and walked towards Meredith.

" Bring me some ice, please. I forgot it" Alex pleaded Meredith and watched her while she was leaving the room.

She turned to Nikita.

" Go to bed. Turn around. Face on pillows. It is time for your treatment." Alex ordered and show her the ointment.

Nikita obeyed immediately not wanting to fight with Alex right now.

Alex knelt down near to her and twisted the cap to open it. She noticed that her hands were shaking and closed her eyes for a moment. She didn't want to break right now. She took care of the wounds and stood up.

" Ready" Alex said and walked away.

" I brought you the ice" Meredith said walking towards Alex.

Alex smiled at her and took the ice. She lifted her tank and placed the ice to her bruised waist. Meredith left the room not wanting to spend more time in the same room with Nikita.

" What happened?" Tom asked when she saw Alex placing the ice in her waist, but he didn't have visual to her wound because Alex had her back turned on them.

" Nothing unusual" Alex said calmly and turned to face him.

" Let me see." Tom ordered.

" It is just a bruise, Tom. Nothing more nothing less" Alex replied and stared at him.

" I don't care. Let me see" Tom shouted and walked towards Alex.

Alex lifted her tank and revealed her bruised waist.

" This is just a bruise?" Tom asked in shock. Her whole waist was black.

" Yes. This is just a bruise" Alex replied calmly.

" How did this happen?'' Nikita asked and walked towards Alex to check her wounds.

" Kicks" Alex replied softly and walked towards the window.

" Kicks?" Nikita repeated in disbelief.

" Let me check your wounds" Tom ordered.

" The doctor had a check on my wounds already." Alex replied still staring out of the window.

Tom turned her around and looked at her.

" I am going to be fine" Alex informed him.

" He reopened your gunshot" Tom said when he noticed the blood in the new bandage on her arm.

" Yes. He did" Alex replied softly.

" Why do you have a bandage on your neck?" Tom asked worried and Alex turned her gaze away.

" It is nothing" Alex lied.

" Let me have a look" Tom said and touched the bandage. Alex touched Tom's hand and looked him at the eyes.

" Please, don't" Alex pleaded.

" Please" Alex repeated.

Tom defied her wish and unbandage her wound on her neck. He shouted out of surprise and took few steps back.

" How did this happen?" Tom yelled when he saw three deeps cuts near to Alex's pulse point.

" I told you, not to do it" Alex replied calmly and put the bandage back on.

" How did this happen?" Nikita asked again.

" Let it go. Both of you." Alex said firmly.

" No. Tell us why you have cuts in your neck" Tom ordered.

" Tell us" he shouted angrily when Alex didn't answer him.

" He had a drink" Alex replied defeated and sat on the chair.

" What do you mean?" Nikita asked confused.

" I told you that his tastes were twisted. He likes the Vampire experience. He drank from my blood" Alex replied and closed her eyes.


	9. Chapter 9

" I told you that his tastes were twisted. He likes the Vampire experience. He drank from my blood" Alex replied and closed her eyes.

" He did what?" Tom whispered in shock.

" Why? Why did you let him do that to you?" Nikita asked in disbelief.

" It isn't something that I haven't experienced before and it was my ticket to his bedroom." Alex said calmly staring out of the window with the back of the chair still turned back on them.

" Why did you take that mission? Why.." Nikita started.

" Why did I whore myself to this man?" Alex cut her off and completed her sentence.

" I wasn't going to say that" Nikita shouted.

Alex stood up and walked towards Nikita. She looked her directly to her eyes.

" This is exactly what you wanted to say. You might have used other words but the meaning is the same." Alex said firmly not taking her gaze away from Nikita.

" And I took this mission, I whored myself again or whatever you want to call it because Max is just a kid. I chose this life, you and Michael chose this life. Max didn't and I am not going to take away his right to choose. He is just a kid. I am not letting him get involved in a war that he doesn't even know that exists! I am not letting him become Amanda's victim. And if that means that I will have to whore myself, shell my soul to the devil or even get myself killed, then so be it" Alex added seriously.

" I think that I will leave you two alone." Tom said and left the room.

" Alex..." Nikita started.

" What now Nikita?" Alex cut her off. Her relationship with Nikita wasn't the best after Ossetia and with Nikita's comment got only worse. Alex was too tired trying to hold herself together after letting the senator kissing her and touching her and Julian's return was too much to deal with. This man had destroyed Alex's life before and now he was working with Amanda. Julian was the only one who had ever managed to break her, to beg for mercy and to make her follow his orders in free will in order to survive. It took him almost a year but he broke her.

" I never wanted to call you a whore." Nikita replied softly trying to calm Alex down. She was really sorry.

" You prefer the name _slut_?" Alex asked sarcastically with anger in her voice. It wasn't her damn choice. She never wanted to be one. She never wanted to feel the hands of millions of men on her body, she never wanted to get raped, she never wanted to be a whore and hearing her best friend calling her like that was just too painful to handle especially tonight.

" Alex, you aren't a whore. I was just trying to shake you and make you not to take that mission. I don't think that you are a whore." Nikita shouted angrily and walked towards Alex.

" I was a whore, Nikita. Maybe I still am. This is my past Nikita. I never denied it. I was a sex slave. I was selling my body to hungry men, women and gangs." Alex said sadly in a low voice.

" You didn't want to, Alex. It wasn't your choice. You did what you had to do in order to survive." Nikita replied sadly and felt her guilt rising inside her. Nikita felt guilty for handing Alex to the chauffer who sold her and guilty for calling her whore. She needed to make this right before this fight was added to the problems that Alex had with her and widened the gap between them.

" The reason behind my actions don't change the facts. It doesn't matter if they made me do it, I did it. Sasha is part of me. They made her a part of me." Alex said and turned her back to Nikita. She felt ashamed for what they had made her do, she felt broken, she wanted to cry, to scream but she wouldn't give them the pleasure to break her one more time. She would stay strong and face her demons, face Julian and Amanda and anyone else who forced her to do things that she didn't want to.

" I am sorry, Alex. I should have done something better. I should have never handed to the chauffer. I should have kept an eye on you after that. It is my fault." Nikita apologized.

Alex turned her face to look at Nikita. She stayed silent for a minute and studied her features.

" I don't blame you for any of this, Nikita. I never had and I don't plan to do so. You saved my life. You handed me to the chauffer because you thought that it was the right choice to do. I don't blame you. It isn't your fault." Alex said seriously and stared at Nikita, so that she could see that she didn't blame her for any of these.

" Why? Why you don't blame me for this?" Nikita asked surprised.

" There is nothing to blame you for. You saved my life. You didn't force me to take drugs, you didn't force me to sell my body, you didn't break me. You just saved my life. I can't blame you for saving my life. I am and I will always be grateful for what you did for me." Alex explained softly.

" You were just an innocent child." Nikita whispered.

" This is why you took the mission. Because Max is an innocent kid. You just did what I did for you. You saved his life." Nikita added finally realising Alex's motives.

" He is just a kid..." Alex repeated softly and smiled sadly.

" You went too far to protect him, Alex. This mission is killing you from the inside. I know that you try to hide your emotions from me and I don't know why. But I know that distant look in your eyes. It is the look that you have when you are on the edge. You want to break. Break Alex. I am here for you. I am here to hold you." Nikita pleaded and walked towards the window in order to be closer to Alex.

" I didn't go too far to protect him. I did what I had to do. And I am ok. I don't want a nanny and I am not going to break. Not tonight." Alex replied softly.

" Not tonight?" Nikita asked scared.

" I don't want to make false promises. I have broken before." Alex replied calmly.

" Julian?" Nikita asked in a low voice and the name caused Alex to tense up.

" Hey. Relax. He can't hurt you." Nikita said calmly when she sensed Alex's fear.

" I don't want to talk about him, Nikita." Alex replied trying to wipe the fear from her voice.

" Alex, you have to let it go." Nikita pleaded. She was worried for Alex.

" No. I don't have to do anything. This is personal." Alex replied coldly.

" I thought that we used to talk about personal matters. Why is that so special?" Nikita said surprised from the coldness in Alex's voice.

" We used to. Past tense, Nikita. Past tense." Alex mentioned and turned her gaze. They had unsolved issues. Alex couldn't forget what she relived, she needed time to admit it to herself and time to share it with Nikita. It would be something really painfull for both of them but for now she needed time.

" Past tense?" Nikita repeated in disbelief and saw Alex nodding to her.

" This is why you didn't talk to me those weeks? Did I betray your trust again? Is this because I didn't help you with Larissa?" Nikita asked worried.

" It isn't about Larissa and you didn't betray my trust." Alex replied calmly.

" Then, why you don't talk to me about Julian? why you didn't talk to me about anything all those weeks?" Nikita asked a little harser than she wanted to.

" I need time" Alex replied simply.

" Time to do what, Alex?" Nikita asked worrried.

" You will learn that when the time comes. For now, you need to sleep and have some rest" Alex answered seriously.

" Alex" Nikita argued.

" I don't want to fight over this. You will sleep, I will have your back in the meantime. If you don't feel safe with me around, you can take the knife with you." Alex ordered.

" You must be kidding me" Nikita said in disbelief.

" No. I am not. Go and have some rest. Your face on the pillows. Keep your back exposed." Alex said firmly.

" What about you? You are wounded? You have lost a lot of blood. You can't stay up all night." Nikita tried to reason Alex.

" I don't sleep anymore." Alex replied softly hearing the concern in Nikita's voice. Indeed, she hasn't slept for four days. She was afraid to close her eyes. She was afraid to let her guard down. She was afraid of her nightmares. She was afraid..


	10. Chapter 10

" I don't sleep anymore." Alex replied softly hearing the concern in Nikita's voice. Indeed, she hasn't slept for four days. She was afraid to close her eyes. She was afraid to let her guard down. She was afraid of her nightmares. She was afraid..

" What do you mean?" Nikita asked concerned.

" I don't sleep anymore. If you weren't here tonight, I would have probably patrolled the area instead of Mary. But someone needs to take care of you so here I am. Go to sleep, Nikita." Alex said and looked at her.

" Why? Why you aren't sleeping?" Nikita asked worried.

" I don't have to explain myself. I am an adult. Now, go to bed and have some rest." Alex replied calmly.

" Alex!" Nikita shouted annoyed with Alex's stubborness.

" It isn't negociable. Go." Alex ordered and walked away towards a cupboard, she opened it, bent down and took in her hands her gun, while Nikita defeated obeyed and walked towards the bed.

" Gun?" Nikita asked confused. Why Alex needed a gun while she was inside?

" Do you want the knife or not?" Alex asked avoiding to reply her question.

" I can sleep with you around. You and Michael make me feel safe. I don't need the knife." Nikita replied trying to make Alex let her in again by reminding her that she loves her.

" Fine." Alex replied and placed the knife on the table.

" Would you mind to explain me why do you need a gun inside the safehouse?" Nikita asked again.

" You are never too protected." Alex said and walked towards the window.

" Face on the pillows" she added and turned off the lights.

Alex was standing there behind the window staring at the moon. She waited until she felt Nikita falling asleep and then she turned to look at Nikita's feature. Slowly she slid down the wall and she turned her gaze back to the moon. Her eyes were filling with tears that she didn't try to hold back as memories of Julian passed through her mind.

**FLASHBACK**...

_Sasha, a new girl was brought in the brothel. Three guards lead her to the office of her supervisor, Julian. They opened the door and they pushed her inside. A man was standing on a chair behind a desk with an evil grin on his face. He stood up and walked towards her. He took her face in his hands._

_" What is your name?" Julian asked._

_" Sasha." Alex replied hesitantly._

_" How old are you, Sasha?" Julian asked smiling._

_" 13" the young girl replied._

_" Then I suppose that I will be your first" Julian said and laughed. Before Alex could understand what he was talking about, Julian had pinned her down on a wall and ripped out her clothes. Alex screamed in horror and tried to push him away but he had more power than her, he slapped her hard on the face and laughed. He hold her hands above her head with one hand and with his other hand he sensed her body. Alex was there crying, trying to make him stop but he didn't. He opened his button and raped the little girl there on the wall four times. When he finished, he let her fall to the floor bleeding from her internal organs. It was the first time that Alex had someone inside her. She thought that this torture was over at least for tonight but she was wrong._

_" I want all the guards and the girls to take rounds with her. I don't care if she passes out. I want all of us to taste her. She is beautiful and we don't get every day the chance to have round with a 13 years old girl" Julian ordered and exited the room._

_Alex listened with horror his instructions but before she could react, a guard pinned her down to the floor and raped her. She thought that it will end but no. She was being raped for hours by men and women. She lost account. After several hours, Julian returned and looked at her crying without making any sounds._

_" They told me that you haven't passed out yet." Julian said and walked towards Alex's naked and bleeding body._

_Alex didn't respond and Julian kicked her hard on her waist. Alex groaned in pain._

_" Special forces. You will be placed to Special Forces. Now, come and have sex with me." Julian ordered._

_" Never." Alex replied firmly and stared at Julian. He immediately jumped to her and raped her once more._

_" It is easier Sasha when you do it with your will, when you enjoy it" Julian informed her when he was inside her._

_" No. I will never do it with my free will" Alex cried._

_" Yes, Sasha. You will do it. I give you one week. You will break. You will become my little bitch. You will make me enjoy it." Julian said and left Alex crying on the floor. _

_After a week..._

_A whole week has passed full of beating and rapes._

_" Are you going to make me enjoy now?" Julian asked amused._

_" Never" Alex replied coldly. She didn't want to shell her body. She wouldn't never sleep with this man willingly._

_" You are tough. I like it. I will have fun breaking you." Julian said smiling and attacked Alex once more time._

_" I have something that it will make you more cooperative. Heroine" Julian said when he finished his assault and injected Alex with the drug for first time in her life._

_" I want her to starve. No food for her for one week. Only water. And feel free to take rounds with her whenever you want." Julian ordered his men._

_But nothing worked. Alex was starving to death, she was being raped in daily bases, tortured, beaten up and she was getting addicted but nothing worked. Julian was mad. It was personal now. He wanted to break the girl with any cost. And he did it. After ten months, he managed to do it._

_" We will try a new technique now Alex. Gang sex. Do you know what this is? One from the front one from behind at the same time" Julian said and they started raping her again and again._

_It has passed three weeks since the first time that they used the technique of gang rape and Alex couldn't stand it anymore._

_" Hi, Sasha. It is Marc's birthday today and he wants to celebrate it. Marc is all yours" Julian said and Alex was left with Marc. Marc beat her up, raped her with everything he could find in the room._

_After hours, Julian came to take Alex._

_" Are you ready for the gang experience?" Julian said and grinned when she saw Alex bleeding and being so broken._

_" You won." Alex replied defeated._

_" Excuse me?" Julian teased her amused._

_" You won Julian. I will do whatever you want. I am your bitch. Just stop it please. I can't stand this anymore. Please." Alex said defeated._

_" Beg me!" Julian ordered satisfied that he had broken her._

_" Please Julian. I beg you. Please" Alex cried and felt ashamed of herself begging to this bastard._

_" Make me enjoy" Julian ordered and Alex stood up and walked towards him. She took him inside her willingly and pretented her orgasm._

_" You are my bitch" Julian told her after several times._

_" Yes. You won. I am your bitch." Alex replied defeated._

_" Tell me that you love me" Julian ordered._

_" What?" Alex asked in surprise._

_"Tell me that you love me and the torture is over." Julian asked again._

_" I love you." Alex lied and felt tears in her eyes. She hated herself for using that word like that. She hated herself for breaking down, she hated herself for what they had done to her and what she will do to satisfy them in the future._

**END OF FLASHBACK**

Alex was still sitting down staring at the moon, her tears falling down in full speed when she was brought out of her thoughts, when she heard Nikita walking.

" Where do you think that you are going?" Alex asked without turning to face her.

Nikita didn't reply but she continued to walk towards Alex.

" Nikita go back to sleep, please" Alex pleaded.

" No." Nikita replied softly.

" What do you want Nikita? You have to rest." Alex said annoyed.

" You have to rest, too. I will have your back, you will sleep." Nikita ordered and stood beside her.

" You are too stubborn. Go to bed, Nikita." Alex said and smiled sadly to herself. No matter what was going on, Nikita was there for her and it was good to know that you have someone watching your back.

" I stayed in bed for one whole hour. I fulfill your demand." Nikita replied.

" My demand was to rest, Nikita. Please, your wounds need time to heal." Alex said and honest concern was obvious in her voice.

" Can I sit with you, please?" Nikita asked hesitantly Alex's permission to join her. She was really worried about her protegee but she didn't want to push her.

Alex slowly turned her face around and looked at Nikita, she saw true love and concern in her eyes and she nodded slightly in an affirmative way. Nikita smiled softly and slid down the wall near to Alex. She followed Alex's gaze out of the window to the moon.

" You always liked to stare to the moon when something bothered you. You never told me why." Nikita commented casually.

" You never asked why." Alex replied gaze fixed to the moon.

" Can I ask you now why?" Nikita asked softly.

" When I was young, my father used to say to me that even in the darkest periods, you can find the light, just like the moon light the darkest night. I have never thought of his comment until I was stuck in the isolation for almost a year. When they let me out and I saw the moon, I remember that I can always find the light and I started to have hope again, I started to believe in life again, I started to plan my escape. Even in the darkest moments, you can find light..." Alex replied softly and she felt her eyes burning.

" Your father was a wise man." Nikita mentioned feeling her own eyes burning with tears and moved closer to Alex.

" It was the last thing that he told to me, before he died. When Division attacked us, he hide me and he told me that I can find light even in the darkest periods, like the moon can light the darkest night. He said that he loved me and then he stood up just when you entered the room." Alex informed Nikita.

" I am sorry" Nikita replied sadly.

" Don't be. You did what you had to do." Alex said calmly. She didn't blame Nikita for her father's death, not anymore. She knew how Nikita was forced to do this, how she was forced to do it and destroy other families.

" Why do you feel the need to look to the moon, Alex? Why do you need hope?" Nikita asked worried.

" It calms me." Alex replied honestly. She was tired of fighting with Nikita, she was tired of not breaking, she was tired of being the strong one. She was just tired. She wanted to let it out, she wanted to fall apart.

" You are upset about what the senator did to you or because Julian works with Amanda?" Nikita tried to make her friend to talk.

" It was a difficult night." Alex replied sadly.

" Who is Julian, Alex?" Nikita pressed the girl next to her and automatically Alex stressed herself up.

" Hey. I am here for you." Nikita said and took Alex's hand in her own. Alex slowly turned her gaze to Nikita.

" Julian is the one who broke me" Alex replied Nikita's question with grave voice.


	11. Chapter 11

" Julian is the one who broke me" Alex replied Nikita's question with grave voice.

" What are you talking about?" Nikita asked confused because she didn't know Alex's story in the brothel.

" You don't want to hear this story, Nikita. Just let it go." Alex said seriously.

" I want to hear your story, Alex. Please, do it for me." Nikita pleaded.

" Nikita, please." Alex said scared. She didn't want to tell that story to Nikita.

" I am here, Alex. You have to let it out. Please. If you ever loved me, you will do it for me." Nikita replied firmly.

" I do love you, Nikita" Alex said annoyed of Nikita's blackmail.

" Then you will let it out." Nikita replied calmly. She didn't like blackmailing the younger girl but she needed to know what was going on in Alex's mind, she needed to know why she was so upset. She needed to know what she could do to help her.

" I don't appreciate being blackmailed but I am not going to let you believe that I don't love you just because I have some issues lately and now I am denying to share this story. I will tell you the short version but with one condition; If you start blaming yourself again, I will stop. It is not your fault." Alex warned Nikita not to beat herself up for what she is going to hear.

" Ok, Alex. Just let it out." Nikita agreed unwillingly and scared for what she was about to learn.

Alex turned her face back to the moon, she couldn't stand to look at Nikita. She felt ashamed.

" Julian was my supervisor when I was a sex slave. He .. he was my first. The first day they lead me to his office and he raped me on the wall. He left and ordered his men to take rounds with me. He said that they don't have every day the chance to taste a 13years old girl and that they had to take it. I don't know how many people raped me that day. After hours, he returned. I didn't have any more tears to let down, I was exhausted and bleeding. He came and he asked me to make him enjoy it. I refused and he beat me up before he raped me again. After a week, I was still refusing to play along and he gave me heroine in order to break me." Alex started her story. She paused and took a deep breathe trying to control her feelings.

Nikita moved closer and hugged her from the behind. Alex struggled.

" Stop fighting me, Alex. I am not doing anything. I am just here holding you." Nikita argued and after awhile Alex gave in and let Nikita hugged her from behind.

" He was pissed off. He had never failed to break a girl and he promised me that he will break me. For months, I was stuck in a solitary hole with no food, only water and drugs. Everytime that the door opened, I knew that I was about to get raped or tortured. But I didn't care. I didn't want to give up. I didn't want to do it with my will. I didn't want to become their little bitch." Alex said and Nikita hugged her harder feeling her own eyes burning with tears.

" But I didn't know what was coming next... Julian got more creative. Gang rape, two or three of his men were taken me at the same time and then they were tortured me again and again for months. One day, I just broke." Alex said with shaking voice.

Nikita turned her around and took her face in her hands.

" I am not letting you complete this story with your back turned on me. I am here and I am proud of you. I would have given up from the first days. I am proud Alex. Please don't push me away, not now." Nikita pleaded softly.

Alex nodded softly and let her head rest on Nikita.

" After 10 months. I couldn't take it anymore. That day I have already been raped and tortured, when Julian came and told me that it was time for the gang. I couldn't take it anymore, Nikita. I couldn't. I told him that he won, that I would do anything that he wanted if he stopped it. I couldn't take it anymore. I made him enjoy it and he asked me to beg him and tell that I love him. I obeyed Nikita. I did whatever he wanted." Alex said and started sobbing without making any sounds.

" You did what you had to do, Alex." Nikita tried to calm her.

" I begged him, Nikita. I begged him and I told him that I loved him" Alex shouted frustated and ashamed.

" Relax, Alex. It is ok. You survived and that was the only way." Nikita tried to calm her down.

" Relax? Do you have any idea how it feels to have your humaniy ripped away from you? To get raped and tortured every single day of your life and then begged your torturor to stop it? Have you ever begged anyone to stop, Nikita? Have you said to your torturor that you love them or that you liked being raped?" Alex said calmly but angrily and hot tears fell down.

" No, Alex. I don't know how it feels but I have broken too, I have begged too." Nikita said softly.

" Do you want to hear my story?" Nikita asked when she saw Alex staring at her surprised.

" Only if you want to share it." Alex replied not wanting to press Nikita to share something so personal if she didn't really want to.

" I made you tell me your story, it is only fair if I tell you mine. And beside that, my story is nothing in front of what you went through" Nikita said honestly.

" I don't want you to tell me your story only because you heard mine, Nikita." Alex replied calmly. She was curious but she didn't want to make Nikita tell her something if she didn't want to.

" Alex, I want to tell you my story." Nikita said firmly and smiled to Alex.

" Then, I am listening." Alex said and took Nikita's head on her lap, brushing her hair with her fingers. Nikita took a deep breathe before started.

" My story is nothing compared what you went through in order to break. You might laugh." Nikita said softly.

" I will never laugh with something that caused you pain, Nikita." Alex replied in a caring tone that Nikita had missed so mch, the feeling of having Alex back with her was unimaginable and she smiled.

" Well, it was my first year as field agent. I was on a mission, undercover. I played the role of a gang member. Someone gave me away to the leader. He captured me and he interrogated me." Nikita said and she paused to take a deep breathe when she felt her eyes burning with tears.

" You know Amanda's opinio about her operatives, everyone is disposable. So I was alone, until Michael came to rescue me three weeks later. Anyway, he used every known torture technique on me. Electrocutes, beating, waterboarding, anything. He wanted to know who sent me and why. At that time I was a fellow Division's agent and I didn't want to give them away. But he broke me. One day, he moved me in a room, he threw me on the floor and he tied me up. Hands above my head and legs open." Nikita said and her tears started falling.

" Hey, it's ok." Alex said and cupped Nikita's face wiping away her tears.

" I understand what he was about to do, so I begged him not to do it. He ordered me to answer his question and I did, I told him whatever he wanted to know and for a second I thought that he wasn't going to rape me. But I was wrong. He lowered himself on me and raped me again and again for days. Everytime that he came to me, I begged him to stop it. He said that it was my reward for messing up with his business and that when he would have enough of me, when he would have gotten bored of my taste, he would kill me slowly and painfully. Michael came and rescued, several days later." Nikita said not trying to control her shaking voice or her tears.

" I am so sorry Nikita, so sorry. It is ok, now. It is ok." Alex reassured her and kissed gently her forehead.

" I begged him, I broke but he still wanted to break me more." Nikita replied frustated with herself.

" You didn't want to get raped Nikita and you did the only thing that you could." Alex tried to reason her.

" What happened to him?" Alex added curiously.

" Michael killed him when he rescued me and I cut off his balls" Nikita said coldly.

" That was really necessary Nikita?" Alex asked in shock.

" I hated him. I wanted to make him pay." Nikita said coldly.

" I guess that it was healthy and normal to feel this way." Alex commented thinking about how Nikita felt.

" Why? How did you feel about your break down after being raped and tortured again and again?" Nikita asked noticing the thoughtful gaze of Alex and worried that she called her reaction healthy.

Alex didn't respond. She shook her head softly and looked away from Nikita trying to hold her tears.

" Alex? How did you react?" Nikita asked seriously again and put herself in a sitting position staring at Alex.

" I am still working on that." Alex replied honestly.

" Alex, please. Tell me how you reacted." Nikita pleaded scared of Alex's denial to reply.

" I hated myself. I was ashamed for giving up. I hated every little piece of me and I thought that I deserved every torture, beating or rape that I endured after I broke. I used to say to myself that I deserved everything because I was their bitch. Somedays when I was too wounded from a client and I couldn't sell my body, I found myself thinking that I was glad that my father was dead and he couldn't see that I have broken, that I have given up, that I have left others control my life. I remember that I used to deny to take drugs because the drugs made me feel better and forget what was going on and I didn't want to forget, I didn't want the pain to go away. I wanted to suffer, I wanted to be in pain, I wanted to punish myself. I hated myself so much... I think that I still hate myself in some level." Alex replied honestly and revealed how her time in the brothel has affected her.

Nikita looked at her with teary eyes and wet face. She never have thought that under Alex's brave face, under Alex's enormous and forgiving heart, there was a scar so deep. A scar that made her hate herself, a scar that hasn't healed yet.

" Alex.." Nikita started with shaking voice. She didn't know what to say to her friend, she was lost.

" It is ok, Nikita. I learnt to live with that." Alex replied and smiled to Nikita trying to reassure her.

" Why did you start using?" Nikita asked trying to put all the pieces of the story together.

" Why do you think?" Alex returned the question.

" I always thought that you got addicted during your time as a sex slave, but you just say that you denied to take any drugs because you wanted to remember the pain." Nikita replied confused and felt like she was stabbed in the heart wwith every single word that she spilt out.

" I wasn't addicted during my time as sex slave." Alex said honestly and smiled softly when she saw Nikita's eyes widened from the surprise.

" As I said before I hated myself and I wanted to suffer. In the brothel, I suffered from the torture and the rapes, but I escaped. I wanted to suffer, yes, but I didn't want to let someone else control my life, my body, so I escaped. When I was out, I was out of any physical pain and I couldn't stand this. So I thought about every single technique that Julian used to break me. Drugs. It was the easiest and most effective way to cause me pain. I started using and forced myself to go through withdraw again and again. I liked the danger of hanging on with drug dealers, the danger of get beaten up or raped. I liked the fact that I could cause physical pain like that to myself. For me drugs always were a mean to punish myself, to cause pain to my body." Alex explained calmly.

" You are absolutely crazy!" Nikita shouted shocked. She didn't expect that answer at all.

" Pain was my best friend at that time, Nikita. It was a way to accept myself and start putting my pieces back together." Alex said softly, unaffected from Nikita's shouts.

" So what... you tried to kill yourself because I took the pain away from you?" Nikita shouted angrily. She was in so much shock at that moment that she didn't know how to react.

" No. I didn't try to kill myself because you got me clean and I couldn't physically suffer anymore." Alex said firmly and looked into Nikita's brown eyes.

" Then why?" Nikita whispered confused.

" You don't want to know." Alex replied seriously.

" Alex. Please" Nikita insisted.

" No. Nikita. You are going to kick my ass if I tell you and I am already bruised enough." Alex said firmly.

" Alex, I am going to kick your ass if you don't answer me my question right now." Nikita threatened seriously.

" Oh boy. I tried to kill myself because being with you was the most terryfying and weird thing that I have ever done in my life. I couldn't stand being around you! Happy now?" Alex shouted angry.

" I am sorry." Alex added after awhile when she noticed that Nikita's face darkened and her eyes got filled with new tears.

" You tried to kill yourself because of me?" Nikita gasped in shock and stood up walking away from Alex. She was the reason why her best friend had tried to terminate her life. How she was supposed to react at that?


	12. Chapter 12

" You tried to kill yourself because of me?" Nikita whispered in shock and stood up walking away from Alex. She was the reason why her best friend had tried to terminate her life. How she was supposed to react at that?

" Nikita, please" Alex pleaded when Nikita started walking away from her. She stood up too but she didn't dare to walk towards her mentor.

" The only thing that I have caused you in your life is pain." Nikita admitted.

" You know that this statement isn't truth." Alex argued firmly and felt guilty for losing control and confessing to Nikita that she was the reason why she tried to kill herself.

" No, Alex. This is the absolute truth. I killed your father, I handed you to the chauffer who sold you to the black market, I sent you inside Division, I lied to you, I betrayed you, I shot you, I broke your arm, Amanda tortured you because of me, you stopped talking to me for weeks because I have done something to you, damn, you tried to kill yourself because of me. The only thing that I have done to your life is to cause you more and more pain." Nikita shouted and she found herself face to face with Alex.

The younger girl hearing Nikita beating herself up because of what she said, had walked towards her and now she was facing Nikita. She tried to pull Nikita gently into a hug but Nikita resisted. Nikita pushed Alex away but Alex didn't give up. They fought trying to get the upper hand.

" No. Get away from me. I only know how to destroy your life" Nikita cried devastated when Alex pinned her down on the floor and sat on her waist forcing her to stay still.

Alex could feel the hot blood running from her arm but she didn't care. She needed to fix this.

" Nikita. Stop fighting me and let me explain, please" Alex pleaded with watery eyes seeing her friend fighting her so hard.

" Explain what Alex? How I destroyed your life again and again? Even now, I keep hurting you every day, your arm is bleeding because of me. I am toxic!" Nikita yelled.

" I tried to kill myself because I don't deserve you! I tried to kill myself because of me, stupid!" Alex yelled back and Nikita instantly stopped struggling.

" You suddenly came in my life and tried to help me. HELP ME, Nikita. Every single person that I have met in my ife before- even my father- wanted something in return. But not you. You were just there. You didn't ask anything. But you offered me everything. It was the scariest experience in my life. I wasn't so scared even when I was tortured and raped. I hated myself, but you didn't hate me. You were there for me, you were there without terms and you were kind and caring. You respected me like if I was worthy your respect. You talked to me like if we were equals. You acted around me like if I was a human being. I hated myself, I felt like I was nothing. But for you I was something. First I was a mission, then a way to wash your quilty and later your friend. I was something Nikita. I spent years of my life with people who thought of me just like an object, a sex machine that they can use whenever and wherever they want, a robot without feelings, without heart, with only one purpose; fulfil their demands. And suddenly, someone can see me like something else. It didn't matter if I was a way to wash away your guilty. I was something else than a sex machine for you and you respected me like if I was a human being. I didn't know how to react. I didn't want to feel good, I didn't want to be accepted, I didn't want to be loved. I didn't deserve you." Alex explained with a tone full of emotions.

" I tried to kill myself because I DON'T deserve you" Alex added firmly and let go off Nikita.

She stood up and walked towards the farest corner of the room, she sat down, hugged her legs and started shaking uncontrollably. Nikita took a minute to understand what Alex had just said and then she jumped up and she ran to her baby girl, she kneeled down near to her and she tried unsuccessfully to take a hold of her face. She grabbed her hand and she didn't let it go.

" I am the one who doesn't deserve you, Alex. You are the kindest person I have ever met. You are my guider, my light. You were there for me when none else was, you were there to remind me that I can find peace, that I can live again, that I can trust again, that I can love again. I am sorry that I have caused you so much pain in your life, I am so sorry. You deserve everything in this fucking world, you are so worthy Alex. I love you." Nikita said honestly trying to reach Alex's heart with her words.

" I can't even say that I love you, Nikita. I have used that word so many times in order to describe how much I liked to be raped and tortured because they wanted to hear that I liked whatever they to my body, that I don't want to use it anymore. I feel like I will violate my feelings if I use it to describe what I feel for you and the others. How can you love a heartless whore, Nikita?" Alex whispered still crying.

" You aren't a heartless whore, Alex. You are nothing like that. And I love you more than my own life, Alex. You are my everything." Nikita said trying to keep her voice stable.

" Let go off of me, Nikita" Alex ordered when Nikita continued to try to hug Alex.

" No. I am not letting you go, not again. " Nikita yelled frustated and Alex froze.

" What do you mean 'not again'?" Alex asked softly.

" Nothing. I don't mean anything. Let me hug you" Nikita avoided to answer the question.

" No. You are not coming near to me ever again until you explain me what you meant before." Alex said firmly.

" Alex!" Nikita shouted shocked that Alex used such a card against her.

" No. Tell me what you meant." Alex ordered.

" I meant that the last time that I let you go, it was excruciating. I am not going to let you leave me again like when you learnt that I lied to you about your papa. I am not going to let you go ever again, if I can prevent it." Nikita replied sheepishly but scared even thinking of the chance of Alex abandonned her once more.

" Nikita, what do you mean? Why are you so afraid?" Alex asked confused and Nikita sat down defeated.

" When you left me, it was excruciating. When I learnt that you worked for Division, I was so devastated. I couldn't sleep more than one hour a day, I couldn't eat, I was all the time angry and worried, I was reckless during the missions. Michael was so frustated that I didn't care if I die or not. When I shot you, I wanted to die. I just wanted you out of the field and safe and I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know where I was standing. I was devastated. I have hurt the most precious thing in my life. I have betrayed your trust and I have lost you. I didn't know how to live without you, I didn't know how to act with you in the enemy's side. I remember that when we meet in the ball after I shot you and broke your hand, I caught your gaze for a second and your eyes were full of pain and betrayal, I felt like my heart was ripped away from my body. I wished you had taken the shot and killed me because I thought that I had lost you forever and even if I have Michael, you are always going to be the most precious thing in my life. But you forgave me for everything and you gave me a second chance. And then after Ossetia, you started avoiding me and I felt like I was losing you again. I can't lose you, Alex. I can't." Nikita explained.

" Why you never told me?" Alex asked with shaking voice and watery eyes.

" I didn't want to remind you of that period. I was afraid that you would leave again if I reminded you why you left in first place. Please, don't push me away. I am sorry for whatever I did this time. But please, just talk to me. Don't leave me again." Nikita pleaded.

" Nikita, I never left you for real. I just didn't know how to approach you. I thought that you would never forgive me for shooting you even if I did it to save your life and when you shot me, I thought that you hated me. I wanted to shoot you that night because I missed you so badly that it pained me physically and I wanted to show you how I felt, but I couldn't bring myself to cause you more pain. In my eyes you didn't see pain and betrayal, you saw pain and grief. I thought that you would never forgive me. I am sorry for causing you so much pain, Nikita. I am really sorry. But I never left you for real and I will never do. I am so sorry. And I am not leaving you, Nikita, now. I just need some time. We will talk, I might kick your ass, but I am not leaving you." Alex replied and hugged Nikita.

" You thought that I hated you?" Nikita asked in disbelief few seconds later. Alex laughed loudly and kissed gently Nikita's cheek.

" Nikita, you broke my hand, taken. We were fighting. But you shot me when I was already down and told me to get out of this war before I got killed, no understandable at that point. You shot me, Nikita. And in this war, I was after the black box, so the only persons who could have killed were you and Michael. So... can you really blame me for thinking that you hated me when you shot me when I was already down and then threatened to kill me? It took me awhile to understand your motives." Alex said softly.

" I am sorry." Nikita said sadly and trailed her fingers on the gunshot's scar that Alex had on her thigh where Nikita had shot her.

" It is ok. It took me awhile, a lot of nightmares and thinking but eventually I understood." Alex said and suddered under Nikita's gentle touch.

" How did you understand?" Nikita asked calmly.

" That you didn't hate me? Tonight, you just told me." Alex said honestly.

" You are kidding me, right?" Nikita asked surprised.

" No. Until tonight, I thought that you hated me about that period. This is why I never talked to you about that." Alex replied calmly.

" When did you realise that I still care?" Alex added.

" To be honest, when you risked your life to inform us that my 'dad' was a Division's plant and you saved my ass." Nikita replied softly.

" Please tell me that you had undestood that I didn't want to kill you before today?" Nikita pleaded.

" Yeah. I understood that you didn't want me dead a few days after I informed you about your Division dad." Alex replied and smied hearing the disbelief and worry in Nikita's voice.

" May I ask how?" Nikita asked hesitantly.

" Sean, came to me one day and he asked me about what Division really was and what you really were. He wanted a comment for someone with no personal intrest in protecting Division's name. I told him about Division and then I had to tell him why they wanted you so badly and why I worked with you if you were such a bitch." Alex started softly.

" And how bad did you describe me?" Nikita asked sadly.

" Nikita!" Alex exclaimed annoyed.

" I told him nothing bad. I told him that you were a good person and that you have just pissed Amanda off, that you were on the right side, on the side that he wanted to be, cleaning up the mess. I didn't tell anything bad about you. Anyway, she asked me how I could defend someone who shot me and broke my arm and it just hit me. I remembered your gaze and I realised that you didn't enjoy what you did, it wasn't a payback, it was just the only way that you knew in order to protect me. Just like the very first time that you found me when you knocked me out." Alex said and smiled to Nikita.

" So I must thank Sean for asking you how bad I was.." Nikita replied sarcastically.

" I suppose.." Alex said smiling.

" You are sure that you aren't running away from me again?" Nikita asked worried.

" Absolutely. 100% sure. I just need sometime. Before I come back to Division, we will talk or kick your ass or whatever, but I am not leaving. No matter what, I am not leaving." Alex reassured Nikita firmly.

" Glad to hear that because if you try to leave, I will hunt you down and I will kick your ass." Nikita replied seriously.

" You can always try." Alex said sarcastically and the girls started laughing.

" Now. Come. I need to take care of your wounds" Alex ordered and Nikita stood up.

Alex tried to stand up but she felt dizzy and sat back down. She saw her arm and she realized that she was still bleeding but she hadn't lost enough blood to not be able to stand up. Suddenly, she felt a sharp pain in her ribs and she started breathing more heavily.

" Alex? What's wrong?" Nikita asked worried when she saw Alex arched her body in pain.

" Nikita... I need you to go down and call someone, anyone, I don't care. Keep your hands on sight. Please.." Alex gasped and she started feel more and more dizzy.

Nikita didn't need to hear Alex's plead one more time. She ran out of the room with her hands in front of her in a non threatening position and she went downstairs. When she entered the living room, four different guns were pointed at her head.

" Oh oh" Nikita shouted trying to make them understand that she wasn't a threat.

" Alex need help" Nikita yelled worried to death.


	13. Chapter 13

Nikita didn't need to hear Alex's plead one more time. She ran out of the room with her hands in front of her in a non threatening position and she went downstairs. When she entered the living room, four different guns were pointed at her head.

" Oh oh" Nikita shouted trying to make them understand that she wasn't a threat.

" Alex need help" Nikita yelled worried to death.

A man threw his gun on the couch and ran upstairs. He ran into the room and kneeled near to Alex. He looked at her and he tried to check her pulse, it was weak.

" Alex?" He asked worried.

" John, I can't breathe" Alex cocked and John jumped up, exited the room and ran towards the stairs.

" We have a black code over here" John yelled worried and pressed a button and an alarm started echoing inside the safehouse.

Nikita watched in shock as doors opened violently and semi-naked still sleepy bodies ran into the living room with guns in their hands.

" Black code for Alex" Mary yelled to everyone and they started running again entering and exiting different rooms with unimaginable speed.

" Alex, hang on! I am almost there." A man wearing a doctor's uniform yelled to the air and ran upstairs to Alex followed by 3 people carrying blood bags, aid kit and other medical machines. While the rest of them were checking their guns ready for battle.

" Tom?" Meredith shouted trying to catch Tom's attention.

" What?" Tom yelled checking his gun.

" Let down the gun and go to Alex" Meredith said calmly.

" I have to stuck on the plan. If we have code black, medical team stays here operating and we reinforce the patrolling team in order to secure that we won't need extraction and then 5 people stay inside the safehouse and keep informed both teams about what is going on" Tom replied with shaking voice.

" Tom. We are pretty capable of patrolling the area and keeping contact without you. Take Nikita and go to Alex. Forget about the rules for once." Meredith shouted frustated that Tom couldn't understand that Alex needed him right now.

" Tom. NOW!" Meredith yelled again and Tom nodded defeated.

" Nikita. Come" Tom said and ran to Alex.

Nikita froze on the door shocked from the scene in front of her. Alex was lying down and the doctor has already started a blood tranfusion to her system, Alex was semi-conscious and barely breathing.

" Alex!" Nikita shouted and ran towards her. She kneeled down next to her and took a hold of her hand.

" Hey!" Alex whispered and tried to smile.

" Don't you dare die on me, Alex! Sean is going to kill me!" Tom said and kneeled down next to Nikita.

" I am not going anywhere anytime soon." Alex said with difficulty and Tom smiled in relief.

" Alex..." the doctor started.

" No drugs" Alex cut him off firmly.

" Alex!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.

" No drugs" Alex ordered again.

" William, give me your belt" Alex added and William took off his belt and gave it to Alex n order to bite it.

" Do it" Alex ordered the doctor and put the belt in her mouth.

" You are stubborn." the doctor commented.

" Nikita, keep her hand above her head. She is going to pain" the doctor ordered Nikita and Nikita obeyed immediately holding tightly Alex's hand above her head with one hand and with the other cupping gently Alex's face.

" Tom. Hold her still." the doctor ordered and Tom followed instantly his advice.

" Alex, I hate you for making me to cause you pain" the doctor said and pushed a scalpel inside Alex's side cutting her open. Alex winced in pain as the scalpel cut her flesh and closed her eyes trying to control the pain.

The doctor looked at Alex's side as a no natural ammount of blood starting running on Alex's side.

" Damn it. Alex this is really going to hurt" the doctor said and pushed a medical tong inside Alex's fresh cut in order to stop the bleeding. Alex groaned in pain but didn't try to move not wanting to make doctor's job even more difficult. The doctor started to switch Alex and after one hour, he put the bandage on and ordered Nikita and Tom to let go off of Alex, who was now covered with sweat and looked at least exhausted.

" Thanks" she said in a hardly audible whisper.

" What happened?" Nikita asked worried and helped Alex stood up and placed her on the bed.

" The inevitable." the doctor said sadly.

" Grrr" Tom groaned in disapproval.

" What happened?" Nikita asked again.

" Her broken ribs scratched her artery and she started bleeding internally. The area around her lungs was full of blood and her lungs couldn't expand properly. I fix the artery and her lung. She is ok for now." the doctor explained softly.

" What broken ribs? The senator didn't break her ribs, right?" Nikita asked confused.

" No. The senator didn't break her ribs but he kicked them and caused them to move closer to the artery." the doctor replied sadly.

" Wait, she went on a mission with broken ribs?" Nikita exclaimed in disbelief.

" Her ribs were healing when she went on the mission." Tom defended the fact that he let Alex go on a mission injured.

" Alex doesn't rest, Nikita. She hasn't slept for four days. Her ribs were supposed to be fine." The doctor explained calmly.

" How is possible for someone to stay awake for four days?" Nikita asked in shock.

" She takes naps of 20 minutes but she doesn't sleep properly. She is too stressed up and she wants to reassure our safety." Tom replied softly.

" Tom, she has to sleep... I don't care if I have to drug her, she needs to sleep" the doctor said and exited the room.

Tom took a deep breathe and walked towards Alex.

" You heard us, didn't you?" Tom asked worried.

" I was trained by the best spy in the world, of course and I heard you" Alex replied softly.

" Alex, you need to sleep." Tom pleaded.

" You know that it isn't only my choice that. I am not enjoying the feeling of exhaustion." Alex said and looked to Nikita.

" You have to take your treatment. Lay down next to me and I will try to take care of your wounds." Alex ordered softly.

" You are kidding me right? You had just had your side cut open and your artery switched and you want to take care of me?" Nikita asked in disbelief.

" Nikita, please" Alex pleaded.

" I will try to sleep if you let me take care of your back" Alex said when Nikita didn't reply.

" Nikita, do it" Tom interrupted.

" This is our best chance for making Alex to sleep, please" he added when Nikita didn't move.

" Fine" Nikita replied defeated and lied on the bed.

Alex tried to put herself in a sitting position and groaned out of pain softly in the process. She smiled when she saw Nikita laying next to her. She had missed the feeling of having her so close to her. She took the ointment and took care of Nikita's wounds.

" You are ready, Sensei. Now can you please sleep and have some rest?" Alex asked.

" Only if you sleep next to me so that I can take care of you, baby girl" Nikita replied softly.

" You are cheatting" Alex cocked.

" Come on, Alex. I am not going to kill you in your sleep." Nikita replied annoyed and Alex stared back at her.

" I didn't mean that." Alex said angrily and slowly she lied down next to Nikita.

" Satisfied, now?" Alex asked hars as the pain passed through her body.

" You have no idea how much" Nikita said amused and quickly kissed Alex's cheek.

" Nikita!" Alex shouted and caught Nikita by surprise.

" What? You don't want my kisses and hugs?" Nikita replied offended.

" I didn't want to offend you." Alex responded to Nikita's angry questions.

" Then what?" Nikita asked.

" I missed you." Alex said firmly and turned her attention to Tom.

" You have to rest, Tom." Alex pleaded softly.

" I can't leave you alone." Tom replied sadly.

" First of all, I am not alone, Nikita is here. Secondly, you need to go and have some rest because we both know that in a couple of hours, Nikita will come looking for you." Alex said and smiled.

" There is no way that you are going to have a peaceful night, right?" Tom asked.

" After Amanda's brain surgery no. I will try to hold on as much as I can but I am afraid that I am too tired both physically and emotionally to fight it for too long." Alex replied honestly.

" I am going to kill Amanda. She can't kill you by herself but she will kill you by exhaustion in the end." Tom exclaimed angrily.

" Amanda didn't cause that Tom. She made it worse yes. But she didn't cause it from the begining. Now, go and have some sleep." Aex said calmly.

Tom sighed loudly defeated.

" Nikita, my room is downstairs, first door in your right hand. Don't hesitate to come to me. We don't expect you to go through the whole night." Tom said sadly and walked towards the door. He paused and turned around.

" An advice. Don't try to stop it, you are only going to make things worse for Alex. When you can't stand it anymore, come to me." Tom added and left the room.

" What is he talking about?" Nikita asked Alex confused.

" Unfortunately, you will find out eventually. I am really sorry. And please when you can't stand it anymore go to Tom. " Alex pleaded.

" I am getting scared..." Nikita commented.

" I am sorry. Go to sleep." Alex said and Nikita obeyed and closed her eyes.

Alex watched her as she slowly fell asleep. She took a deep breath and braised herself for what was coming. She knew that she needed to sleep but she didn't want to. Finally, she gave in and let herself to sleep. But then the nightmares striked again and that time were worse than ever before and Alex too tired to snap out of her sleep. She started breathing heavily and then she started shouting into her sleep, she put her pillow on her face to minimize the sound but it wasn't enough.

" Alex?" Nikita breathed and woke up suddenly when she heard Alex screaming in agony in her sleep.


	14. Chapter 14

" Alex?" Nikita breathed and woke up suddenly when she heard Alex screaming in agony in her sleep. She looked next to her and she saw Alex with a pillow on her face screaming. She pushed her trying to wake her up but she caused Alex to scream louder. She took the pillow and she saw Alex crying in her sleep.

" Alex. Wake up. It is just a dream." Nikita said softly and touched gently Alex's hand. She pulled her hand back when Alex reacted to her touch by arching her body in pain. Nikita started to get worried. This wasn't like any usual nightmare that Alex had. In the past, when Alex had a nightmare, Nikita was able to comfort her and wake her up. Now her touch only made the nightmare worse.

_An advice. Don't try to stop it, you are only going to make things worse for Alex. When you can't stand it anymore, come to me _Tom's words echoed inside Nikita's mind.

" Alex?" Nikita whispered when Alex suddenly stopped screaming.

" Nikita..." Alex whispered in her sleep and then she let a horrified scream of pain.

Nikita couldn't stand this anymore. She jumped up and she ran to find Tom. She needed to know what is going on.

" TOM!" Nikita yelled as she entered his room.

" What?" Tom jumped up with his gun lifted up on Nikita's face.

" Sorry. What's wrong?" Tom asked when he realised that he had his gun pointed at Nikita and he lowered it.

" What is wrong with Alex?" Nikita asked worried.

" I will explain when we are with her" Tom said and ran to Alex followed by Nikita.

He entered the room and he saw Alex lying down on her back crying trying to fight the nightmare.

" How long did it take her to stop screaming?" Tom asked and gestured to Nikita to keep her voice low.

" 20-25 minutes. She said my name and then she just stopped and then she screamed in pain" Nikita explained and walked towards Tom.

" She fought it for too long. Your presence caused her to include you in her nightmares and like every nightmare it began for a dark period. She screamed in pain because probably she relived your gunshot." Tom explained calmly.

" What do you mean?" Nikita asked.

" I can't explain it to you. Alex will explain when she comes back. It is..complicated." Tom replied softly.

" And when she will come back? I can't wake her up." Nikita asked scared.

" You can't wake her up because she is in some sort of coma. She will come back when something happens in her dream that she can't stand at all. I am going to bring some adrenaline." Tom said calmly.

" Why?" Nikita asked confused.

" Because the last time that she had a nightmare of you, her heart stopped beating" Tom said and Nikita's jaw opened in shock. Nikita stood still too afraid to move not wanting to make things worse and watched as Alex cried in her sleep.

After two minutes Tom came back. He looked at Nikita and smiled.

" She is going to be ok." Tom tried to reassure her.

" We can hear her side of the story, if you want. In a while, she will start saying some things loudly. Do you want to hear?" Tom asked softly.

" I don't know." Nikita replied honestly.

" Do you want to offer her some kind of comfort?" Tom asked.

" Of course." Nikita said immediately.

" She will kill me if she wakes up and find me in the bed with her for any reason so you are the only one who you can do that." Tom said mostly to himself.

" Tom what do I have to do?" Nikita asked hars.

" You will climb behind her, take her head up to your waist near to your chest so that she can hear your heart beat and then hug her tight and everytime that she stressed up you should squeeze her hand." Tom instructed.

" Where is the catch?" Nikita asked worried.

" You can't say a single word. It will be excruciating. But if she hears your voice, her nightmare will get worse." Tom said sadly.

" Then, I won't say a single word" Nikita said and walked towards Alex, she climbed on the bed and took Alex in her hug like Tom told her.

_I am here baby girl, I am here _Nikita thought.

Tom walked towards the girls and sat down on the chair and sighed softly.

Then Alex started saying some things loudly.

" Nikita.." Alex breathed.

" You don't want to do this...stop fighting me" Alex ordered in her sleep.

" What the hell? Are you crazy? You tried to shoot me to the head? really?" Alex asked in shock.

" Michael.. STOP SHOOTING AT HER! she is getting angrier and she shoots me not you. So stop shooting!" Alex shouted in her sleep.

Alex screamed in pain again.

" Fuck!" she yelled.

" MICHAEL SHOOT HER!" she ordered yelling.

" Don't look at me, Michael! You want to earn some bullet wounds, too? Run! Go to Sean before she decides to come back and finish him" Alex ordered.

" Exactly where the betrayals started.." Alex said softly.

"Tell me who really wants me dead so badly and then I will drop my gun. You or Amanda's cranio needle?" Alex asked calmly.

" If this is what YOU really want, then take the shot. Kill me. I have dropped my gun. What are you waiting for?" Alex added after a while.

" I hate it when I have nightmares of you. You took the shot last time. Take it one more time because, Nikita, I really want to wake up." Alex pleaded.

" Wait she knows that she is dreaming?" Nikita asked Tom confused and she regretted immediately when Alex screamed in pain again.

" Yes, she knows it" Tom replied calmly.

" You don't want to make my life easier tonight, eeh? Fine. Let's see what you want me to see." Alex said defeated.

Alex started coughing.

" You want me to relive operation Pale Fire? Why do you want me to travel into the past? Oh boy, this is twisted." Alex cocked and coughed.

" Get the hell out of here, before it collapses!" Alex ordered.

" Julian.." Alex whispered with horror.

For minutes Nikita could hear Alex screaming in pain, not saying a single word.

" Don't. Do. That. To. Her." Alex said with gritted teeth.

" What's wrong, Julian? I didn't remember you like such a coward" Alex said sarcastically and she groaned in pain.

" Then, accept the challenge" Alex retorted.

" Listen to Amanda. She is good. It will be an intresting game. Or maybe you think that you can't break me..." Alex challenged him.

" Me" Alex said simply with pain in her voice.

" I am really sorry, Nikita. I can't stay in this fucking nightmare anymore. Goodbye my friend." Alex said in a barely audible whisper minutes later.

" NIKITAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Alex screamed and jumped up.

She looked at Nikita's shocked face and then at Tom.

" How long?" Alex asked and collapsed to the floor.

" 2 hours and 17 minutes" Tom replied softly.

" I am really sorry, Nikita. I am so sorry" Alex said honestly and tears rained her cheeks. She stood up and walked towards the bathroom. She paused when she heard Tom's voice.

" No cardiac arrest this time?" Tom asked curiously.

" No this time." Alex said seriously.

" What changed?" Tom asked.

" She didn't kill me. I killed her." Alex said and entered the bathroom. She slid down to the wall and hugged her legs. She started crying quietly and sobbing.

" I don't understand" Nikita whispered confused.

" When she dies in her sleep, she dies and in the reality. The last time that she had a nightmare of you, you killed her. This time, she killed you. And now she is dealing with the aftermath of her nightmare." Tom explained the situation softly.

" Can I go to her?" Nikita asked hesitantly. It was obvious now that the things had changed and she didn't know how to deal with the new situation.

" I don't know. You must ask her permission" Tom replied honestly.

Nikita stood up and walked towards the bathroom. Hesitantly she knocked the door.

" Alex, can I come in?" Nikita asked softly.

Alex quickly wiped her tears and took a deep breathe. She had to face her. She couldn't avoid her for ever.

" Yes." Alex replied with grave voice.

Nikita opened the door and smiled to Alex's figure on the floor. She closed the door behind her and sat down next to Alex.

" Are you ok?" Nikita asked worried.

" Yeah. I am sorry that you had to experience that" Alex replied avoiding eye's contact.

" What was that?" Nikita asked.

" It is complicated." Alex replied honestly.

" I have a lot of time. Tom told me that it is some kind of coma. But you knew that you were dreaming. How is that possible?" Nikita pressed more.

Alex sighed loudly.

" When Amanda put that fucking cranio needle in my brain, she made my relive every memory that caused me fear, pain or regret. Since then I have this type of nightmares. At the begining, I didn't understand that I was dreaming, but then one night I dreamed Amanda with the cranio needle- that night I understood Amanda's plans with the munity and I realised that Larissa was an illusion. I tried to wake up but I couldn't. So I decided to play along until something forces me to snap out of my dreams. Now I have learnt to recognise my nightmares and when it gets unbareable, I am forcing myself to snap out" Alex explained defeated.

" Wait.. you know that Larissa was an illusion?" Nikita asked surprised.

" And I am pretty sure that you know that. Did you plan to tell me Amanda's game or not?" Alex replied softly.

" I don't know. You have defeated her game and I didn't know how exactly to tell you what she had done to you. I don't know if I would have found the courage to tell you that." Nikita replied honestly.

Alex smiled softly with Nikita's reply. Nikita had a problem dealing with unspoken secrets. She didn't know how to tell her that she was the killer of her father, she didn't know how to tell her about Larissa...

" You ordered Michael to shoot me? after you have told him not to? That was funny!" Nikita said and smiled trying to show to Alex that it was ok, it was just a nightmare and they could talk about it.

" You shot me! I couldn't hold you anymore and Sean was bleeding to death in the next room." Alex explained with an apologetic tone.

" How many times did I shoot you?" Nikita asked curiously.

" Everytime that I heard your voice in reality, I had a pain attack in my dream and a couple more times." Alex replied.

" I am sorry" Nikita apologized.

" Don't be." Alex said firmly.

" May I ask what were you dreaming when you killed me?" Nikita asked curiously.

Alex looked at Nikita and left some tears to fell down.

" Hey. It is ok." Nikita tried to reassure her.

" No, Nikita, it is not okay. It isn't okay because it wasn't just a dream, a fiction, I have witnessed it in the real life and if it ever comes to it, I would probably choose to kill you, Nikita. So no it is not okay!" Alex said seriously and angrily.

" Alex, what are you talking about?" Nikita asked confused.

Alex stood up.

" I am not letting you get involved in that mess. Tomorrow, I will hand you back to Division and you will stay low, far away from Amanda. If I ever see you out in the field, I will return you the favor. I will force you to stay low by shooting both your legs. Between you dead or you hating me, I choose you hating me. Goodbye, Nikita" Alex said and exited the bathroom.

Nikita was standing still. She was in complete shock. She had never seen Alex like that before. Alex was scared, really scared. She was scared about Nikita and what might happen to her, she was so scared that she had actually threaten Nikita that she will shoot both her legs if she keeps going after Amanda. Slowly she shook her head and she followed Alex out of the bathroom, but she couldn't find her.

" Where did she go?" Nikita asked Tom confused.

" She left." Tom replied.

" Why?" Nikita asked still in shock.

" I don't know" Tom said honestly.

" I am going to find her." Nikita said firmly.

" Don't" Tom ordered

" Why?" Nikita asked confused.

" Because she threatened that she will handcuff you if you go after her" Tom explain.

" What?" Nikita shouted shocked.

" Nikita, please..." Tom pleaded.

" Go and bring her back here! She can't just say those things and then leave." Nikita ordered frustated.

" Fine, but you can't leave the room" Tom replied calmly.

" Whatever" Nikita said defeated.

Tom exited the room and went to find Alex.

* * *

" What happened?" Tom asked worried.

" I can't do that Tom. I can't." Alex said.

" Alex, what did you see in your nightmare?" Tom asked seriously.

Alex shook her head in denial.

" Alex, you have to tell me." Tom ordered.

Alex decided that she needed to take it out so she nodded.

" Julian had many twisted games. One day, she forced me to watch as a girl killed her little sister. He was torturing and raping her for days and he told her that if she killed her sister, he would stop. One day the girl couldn't take it anymore and she killed her sister to make him stop. That day he had walked towards me and he had told me that he will break me and that if I ever find someone who will love, he will make us kill each other." Alex said sadly.

" That is insane, sick" Tom shouted in shock.

" In my dream, Nikita was caught by Amanda and I was caught by Julian. Amanda and Julian decided to make the game more intresting. Amanda proposed that Julian should torture and rape me in front of Nikita and force me to kill her. So Nikita would suffer even more. Julian walked towards me and asked me who he should hurt first. I answered me because I have been through everything that Julian has to serve me before. But he started to get annoyed because I didn't break. He moved towards Nikita and he was about to start his game with her when I pushed the button and electrocuted her killing her." Alex finished.

Tom hugged her tightly.

" It is ok. She will be fine" Tom tried to calm her down.

" Tom, if it comes to it, I probably choose to kill her than let Jullian trying to break her. I can't let her go through what I went through with Julian. I can't do that to her. Not because of me.." Alex cried and collapsed in Tom's hug.

" She wants you back." Tom said after some minutes.

" She can't have her Alex back, now. It is too dangerous. I will give her something to hate, it will be easier this way" Alex said firmly and took her gun in her hands and a pair of handcuffs.

" Come" Alex ordered Tom.

They went upstairs and they entered the room. Nikita was pacing up and down anxious. She turned around to face Alex and her jaw opened in surprise when she saw Alex's gun pointed at her.

" Alex what are you doing?" Nikita asked confused.

" Handcuff her right hand on the bed" Alex ordered Tom and passed him the handcuffs.

Tom moved slowly towards Nikita.

" Please don't fight me" Tom pleaded and Nikita nodded still staring at Alex.

" Good girl. I will come back to give you your treatment and when Meredith decides to face her demons. If you cause any problems, I will handcuff and your other hand" Alex said coldly.

" Alex?" Nikita whispered.

" What?" Alex asked hars

" What are you doing?" Nikita asked confused.

" What I should have done a long time ago. I am staying away from you. You know nothing than to hurt and betray people." Alex lied coldly as ice and she felt like she was being stabbed but she needed to make Nikita hate her, she needed to ensure Nikita's safety.

" You promised that you won't leave. You promised that you would kick my ass but you wouldn't leave." Nikita argued.

" Promises are made to be broken and I might kick your ass later" Alex replied and left the room. She ran downstairs, she entered to the gym and she started punching with rage a punching bag.

" What is wrong?" Nikita asked Tom with gritted teeth.

" She just loves you too much. You might be angry at her, but she does that in order to protect you. This time, I will agree with her. Stay low, Nikita. Don't go after Amanda for sometime. Don't leave Division for sometime. Alex will do anything to protect you even if she loses your love or trust, even if she loses her life." Tom replied softly. After what Alex told him, he could understand Alex's reaction. He would have done the same.

" She handcuffed me, she threatened me and she left, I don't see exactly how her actions show love!" Nikita exclaimed angrily.

" What did she see in that fucking nightmare anyway?" Nikita added when Tom didn't reply to her previous comment.

" I am not going to tell you anything, but if I were Alex, I would have done the same thing." Tom said firmly.

" I am going to kick her ass" Nikita replied defeated and Tom laughed.


	15. Chapter 15

**Hi guys! I am really sorry for the long delay but exams are going on and my hand isn't at its best. I will try to update unexpected turns tomorrow and update in general as soon as I can. I will try to make it up to you after the exams are over. Please be patient and kind with me. All my love. I hope you like the new chapter! **

* * *

" I am going to kick her ass" Nikita replied defeated and Tom laughed.

* * *

Two hours had passed since the time that Alex left the room. Nikita was still frustated lying down on the bed, her right hand handcuffed and her face wet from the tears. Despite Tom's efforts to make her understand that Alex's actions were coming from pure concern and love, Nikita wanted explanations and she couldn't stop thinking that she was losing Alex all over again, but this time she didn't know why. Nikita sat up when she heard the door being opened and she sighed in relief when Alex stepped inside.

" What do you want this time?" Nikita asked hars unable to control her nerves.

" Easy, Nikita. I just want to treat your wounds. Turn around." Alex replied calmly trying to wipe from her voice the pain that the hars tone of Nikita had caused her.

Nikita not wanting to fight again, she obeyed and she turned around, face on the pillows.

Alex slowly walked towards her and knelt down, with careful, soft movements, she took care of Nikita's wounds. Without saying a single word, she stood up and she was about to walk away when Nikita took a hold of her hand and stopped her from leaving.

" Just tell me why. Tell me what upset you so much. Give me an explanation and I will stay under your commands. I will let you leave and I won't come after you if this is what you want, but please tell me why." Nikita pleaded.

Alex gave a pained look at Tom and then turned to Nikita. She looked in her eyes and her heart sank in coldness when she saw pain in them. She didn't know what to say or do. So she did the only thing that explained everything to her. She kissed Nikita's forehead gently.

" I want you to stay away from Amanda. No matter what she does, I want you to stay low for awhile" Alex whispered.

" That is not an explanation" Nikita argued.

" No, it isn't. But the kiss was" Alex said and hoped that Nikita would understand that she meant that she loved her.

" What explanation a kiss can held?" Nikita asked confused.

" The most honest and beautiful explanation" Tom replied her answer.

" Tom." Alex warned him and took her hand away from Nikita.

" Nikita do you promise that if I explain Alex's actions with verbal expression, you will stay low?" Tom ignored Alex's warning.

" No, she can't. She is too stubborn. Stay out of this, Tom, please" Alex replied before Nikita could form any kind of words.

Their heated conversation ended when they heard a knock on the door.

" Come in" Tom and Alex replied in union.

The door opened and Meredith stepped in.

" It is time" Meredith said to Alex and Tom immediately stood up and ran out of the room.

" I will leave you two alone" Alex stated and she was about to start walking out of the room when Meredith stopped her by placing a hand on her chest.

" Please, don't. I need you here" Meredith pleaded and stared at Alex's eyes.

Alex studied Meredith for awhile and then she nodded. She took a sit on the chair and brought her knees up and hugged them.

" I am not going anywhere if this is what you want" Alex replied softly.

Meredith turned her attention to Nikita, who was staring at her curiously.

" Can we talk?" Meredith asked with shaking voice.

" Of course." Nikita replied and gestured to Meredith to take a sit on the bed opposite to her.

" I am pretty sure that you have already understood that I have some problems with you." Meredith commented.

" I have hurt a lot of people in the past, innocent people sometimes. I am not proud of that and I am really sorry. Please tell me what I did to you" Nikita replied honestly. She knew that she had a dark past, she knew that she had hurt a lot of people, she had destroyed families and lifes and she didn't look foward to hear someone accuse her for her past. But she had to deal with her past and she was glad that Meredith had the courage to face her and give her the opportunity to apology, to wash her guilt.

Meredith slowly took out a picture of her pocket. It was a picture of a little girl, around 6 years old. But the picture wasn't in a good state. It had a burn mark from a cigarette where the girl's body was and it had blood on it. Meredith took a deep breathe and handed the photo to Nikita. Nikita took the photo and when she saw it tears built up in her eyes. She recognised the photo.

" This is the last thing that I had from my father. The blood on it is his." Meredith said sadly.

" You are the daughter of Jonathan Jonson?" Nikita gasped in shock.

" Yeah. And I was there when my father got this picture and signed his death penalty" Meredith replied.

" What? No. You weren't there. You were with your uncle!'' Nikita said in shock.

" I was supposed to be with my uncle but I forgot my doll and came back to take it with me. I stopped and hide behind the door, when I saw my father on his knees in front of you begging for my life. You told him that if he didn't cooperate, you would take me away from him, you would have me raped and tortured, you would make me suffer until you get what you wanted. He told you that it was a suicide to break into his boss office for you but you didn't listen to him. You took out a cigarette and you pressed it on the photo to emphasise your words, you threw the photo on the floor and you left. My father was shot by the men of his boss in front of me and with his last move he handed me this photo, this is why it has blood on it." Meredith said hars and let some fat tears to fall.

Nikita felt her eyes burning with unshed tears that she couldn't hold back anymore. She let them fall and stared at Meredith.

" I am sorry" Nikita said honestly. She couldn't say anything else, she couldn't find words to explain how sorry she was.

" When he died, I was full of anger. I started fighting classes, I wanted to avenge his death. An agent noticed my skills and recruited me in the CIA. I agreed because I would have access to means and it would be easier to locate you. And I did it. Years ago, I located you. You were hanging out with Michael. I had taken a sniper's position, my finger was ready to pull the trigger, I was ready to pull the trigger." Meredith said.

" Why you didn't?" Nikita asked with grave voice.

" I was stopped." Meredith replied not wanting to make Nikita's life easier and not wanting to give up someone's secret.

" How?" Nikita asked curiously.

Meredith turned to look at Alex and smiled when Alex nodded to her, giving her the permission to complete the story.

" Alex appeared from nowhere and she asked me why I wanted to kill you. She was unarmed and she didn't seem to be a threat. I told her that there was nothing she could do to save you. She asked me again and that time I reply. She looked at me full of understanding. She walked towards me and she knelt down, she looked at me and she told me that I couldn't change the past. She gave me reasons why I shouldn't have taken the shoot and soon I started sobbing, she took the gun away of me and she hugged me until I stopped crying. She took care of me for some days until I could put myself back together. I asked her why did she protect you and how did she know you" Meredith said and looked at Alex.

" Do you remember what did you reply to me, Alex?" Meredith asked and Alex smiled softly.

" I protected her because if I don't believe that people can change then I fight an already lost war. And I can reassure you that Nikita had changed." Meredith repeated Alex's words.

" I asked her how she could be so sure that you had changed. She smiled to me and she told me to look in your eyes." Meredith added.

" I am really sorry about everything, Meredith. I am really sorry. I didn't want to do it and I know that it isn't an excuse but I am sorry for all the pain that I caused you in your life. I am really sorry" Nikita said and let some tears to fall.

" I can understand now what she wanted to say. You have changed Nikita. I am sorry, too. I will never forget what you have caused me, but I forgive you." Meredith said softly and Nikita smiled sadly in relief before her cheeks were rained with tears.

Meredith squeezed Nikita's hand and stood up. Alex followed her example and face her.

" Look in her eyes. You are right, eyes are the mirror of our soul" Meredith said softly.

" Yes, they are. Are you ok?" Alex asked worried looking at Meredith's teary eyes.

" Thank you for stopping me that day, Alex. Thank you for being here for me all those years. Thank you for offering me a family. Thank you" Meredith replied and hugged Alex.

Alex was stunned from Meredith's word. Slowly she pulled apart and looked at her.

" I thank you for letting me be there for you. I thank you." Alex said honestly and Meredith ran out of the room not wanting to start crying in front of Alex and Nikita.

" How many times have you saved my life without me even know about it?" Nikita asked and smiled to Alex.

Alex didn't reply, she kissed Nikita's cheeks.

" And I thank you for giving my family and my soul back..." Alex said and walked away. She stopped when she reached the door and heard Nikita's voice.

" Alex.. I never told you that I am sorry for killing your father. I am sorry and thank you for everything" Nikita said honestly and Alex smiled in return.

Without saying any other words, she closed the door behind her.

" I love you, Nikita. Please stay safe." Alex whispered and ran to call Tom. She knew that in few hours she will fly back to Division to hand Nikita to them but she couldn't stop her worry. She hated the fact that she will have to leave her family again, she hated the fact that she was a bitch to Nikita, she hated the fact that they might suffer because of her. But she loved them too much. She needed to deal with Julian alone and when she would have faced her demons, she could go back to them, hold them, break down in front of them and cry in their hug.


	16. Chapter 16

She knew that in few hours she will fly back to Division to hand Nikita to them but she couldn't stop her worry. She hated the fact that she will have to leave her family again, she hated the fact that she was a bitch to Nikita, she hated the fact that they might suffer because of her. But she loved them too much. She needed to deal with Julian alone and when she would have faced her demons, she could go back to them, hold them, break down in front of them and cry in their hug.

* * *

Alex was sitting on the couch staring at the floor and thinking about what she was about to do next. She was trying to braise herself to leave her family one more time behind and run after her past, trying to make peace with it and in this way protect her family. She knew that she had to do it. Amanda had already tried to use her past to make her betray Nikita and she didn't want to know what would have happened if she had succeeded completely. She needed to heal herself and she needed to do it alone without Nikita and Sean and the others holding her. She needed to stand up on her own foot. It was difficult, it was painful, it was excruciating, she wanted to give up but she had to do it. It was the only way to protect them. She had to face her rapists, her demons, Julian, Amanda and everyone else that had messed up with her life. She needed to do it for them, if not for herself. She was brought out of her thoughs when Tom shaked softly her shoulder.

" Hey, Tom" Alex said softly.

" Why are you doing this, Alex? Ok, I know that you have to be cruel with Nikita and stay away from them to protect them from Julian and Amanda, but they are your family. You are hurting yourself in the process of protecting them." Tom said gently and sat next to Alex.

" And what am I supposed to do Tom? Risk their life? Let them suffer? I had spent my whole life escaping death and let the others behind die. I couldn't save my father, I couldn't save the girls. I am not going to stand by and see one more person that I love dying instead of me. I am done running, Tom. This is my battle, my war and I won't accept any of you to pay the dept for me. I can't do that, Tom. I won't survive again if I lose anyone more because of me. I can't let them suffer." Alex replied softly.

" Then run far away and don't look back. You have gone through hell Alex, you don't have to go through more" Tom pleaded calmly.

" And then what? Hide for the rest my life? Look over my shoulder forever? This isn't life, Tom. I am done hiding, I am done running. This has to end." Alex retorted seriously.

" You know that I will support any decision that you will make, but are you sure that you want to continue this war? Are you sure that you want to leave them behind again? Are you absolutely sure?" Tom asked worried.

" I am sure." Alex said firmly and stared at him.

" Wheels are up in 20mins. Go and prepare Nikita for derpature" Tom instructed Alex defeated.

" Thanks." Alex said honestly and placed a soft kiss on Tom's cheek before she left to go to Nikita.

* * *

Nikita was lying on the bed with red eyes unable to understand what was going on and why Alex was acting like that. She was trying to find a way to make Alex talk to her but she couldn't find any. She knew Alex too well to know that she was stubborn and if she didn't want to talk, she wouldn't talk. She was brought out of her thoughs when she heard a knock on the door and then the door opened and Alex came in.

" It is time to go back to Michael. He has missed you a lot." Alex said casually.

Nikita instantly straighted herself up.

" It is time for you to go back to Sean, too? I can reassure you that he is missing you." Nikita replied calmly.

" No, it isn't time for me yet" Alex said softly.

" Maybe you have a really good time here with Tom and your time will never come." Nikita said hars provoking Alex. She didn't mean what she said but she wanted to cause an outbrust and maybe get some explanations from her protegee.

Alex froze in the middle of the room, her jaw had dropped from the shock and her anger started rising inside of her. Nikita couldn't actually believe that she was cheating on Sean, could she?

" What?" Alex semi-shouted in shock.

" I don't know. You tell me. Do you have a thing with Sean?" Nikita replied calmly.

" I am not cheating on Sean, Nikita" Alex said firmly and walked towards her trying to calm herself down.

" Whatever you say" Nikita continued provoking Alex.

" What is your problem, Nikita? I am not cheating on Sean. I haven't a thing with Tom. Why do you try so hard to hurt me and piss me off?" Alex asked and she felt unshed tears in her eyes. She knew Nikita very well to understand that she was trying to provoque her but she didn't like Nikita's way to do so and she hated fighting with her all the time.

" I am not trying to hurt you.." Nikita started.

" But this is what you are actually doing" Alex cut her off.

" I just want a fucking explanation Alex! I want to know why you are pushing me away again! I want to know why you are pushing everyone away!" Nikita yelled frustated. She had managed to cause an outbrust to herself than to Alex. She was so confused with Alex's behavior and so frustated to herself that she hurt Alex once more that she just gave up in her frustation and yelled at Alex looking for explanations.

" The reasons behind my actions aren't your damn business, Nikita." Alex retorted hars.

" Do you remember what you told me after you rescued me? You aren't alone anymore, Alex. You have a family looking after you and worrying about you. You can't push them away and then come back whenever you want." Nikita said softly.

" You don't have to welcome me if I come back alive. You aren't obligated to consider me as your family if you don't want." Alex replied coldly.

" Alex!" Nikita shouted hurt and jumped up her face inches away from Alex's now.

" What now Nikia? Do you think that for me is easy? Do you think that I enjoy it? It isn't easy. But I have to do it and you can choose to accept my decision and let me go or you can choose to hate me and fight me. It is your choice, Nikita. It is your choice if you gonna let me back in if I come back alive or kick my ass. It is your choice. I made my choices and I am ready to pay their consequences. Now, it is your turn to make your choices." Alex said angrily.

" I will always be there for you. You can't seriously believe that I will turn my back on you. I will accept your decision, I don't agree but I will go with it and I will wait with open arms your return. Just promise me that you will come back safe and then we will talk." Nikita replied firmly touched by Alex's words.

" I will do my best to come back and we will talk. I promise" Alex promised and stared at Nikita, who nodded in acceptance.

" I don't want to handcuff you. Please don't try anything stupid." Alex added sadly.

" You don't have to handcuff me. I will play along" Nikita replied.

" Come. The helicopter is here." Alex ordered and gestured Nikita to move fowards.

They exited the room, they walked upstairs to the terrace and they embarked in the helicopter with Tom and two more heavily armed men.

" Go" Alex ordered and the wheels went up.

* * *

After 3 hours in the air, they finally reached their destination and the helicopter landed a few meters away from the farm above Division.

Alex immediately jumped out of the helicopter followed by Nikita, Tom and two other armed men who took combat positions around of Alex. As soon as Alex's foot touched the ground, Sean and Michael started running towards the women of their life and hugged them tightly. Sean lifted Alex's body and spinned her around too excited to see her again after some weeks. Michael was kissing Nikita with all his passion. After the first moments of their reunion the two couples moved away from the helicopter so that they could talk.

An armed man walked towards Alex and whispered something in her ear.

" Give us 15 minutes" Alex said softly and the man nodded in understanding and walked away to give to the couples some private time.

Michael kissed Nikita again and Alex took Sean's hand in hers and walked away from the others. Sean followed her and as soon as Alex stopped, Sean turned her around and kissed her passionately. Alex gently pushed him away afer a few seconds.

" We need to talk" Alex said seriously.

" You aren't breaking up with me, are you?" Sean asked worried about Alex's tensed figure.

" I am not that crazy, seal boy... I love you" Alex said and placed a soft kiss on Sean's lips.

" Ok. Tell me." Sean said relieved.

" Do you know what Nikita was doing alone on a mission?" Alex asked.

" Birkoff told us that a senator who works with the Shop got in his hands a file about Michael's family and Amanda threatened to publish it. She went there to retreive it but she got captured. You rescued her and then completed her mission." Sean told her quickly what he knew about Nikita's mission.

" Do you know how exactly I completed her mission?" Alex asked nervously.

" No. Birkoff didn't tell me" Sean replied honestly.

Alex looked up at him and she felt tears in her eyes.

" I am really really sorry, Sean" Alex said sadly with a tone full of apology.

" Sorry for what?" Sean asked confused.

" We couldn't break into senator's house, they were waiting for us. So I went through the front door. Senator was an ex-cliend of mine when I was a sex slave, so I posed as Sasha. I am really sorry, Sean" Alex honestly and she let some tears to fall. She was so scared about Sean's reaction.

" Did you sleep with him?" Sean asked hurt after some moments of silence and the pain that the idea of another man inside Alex caused him was obvious in his voice.

" Hell no, Sean. I couldn't. But I let him kiss me, touch me, beat me up and drink from my blood" Alex said. She wanted Sean to know the whole truth. She couldn't live with a secret like that.

" How did you feel when he touched you?" Sean asked hars and kept his eyes locked with hers.

" I hated myself, I wanted to kill him, I wanted to vomit, I wanted to die right there. I kept repeaing in my mind that it was for Max. I am really sorry, Sean. Please forgive me" Alex pleaded and a lonely tear fell down.

Sean looked at her and then he leaned foward and captured her lips in a soft kiss full of love. Alex pushed him away and stared at him confused.

" I love you" Sean replied to her unspoken question.

" I love you, too. More than what you can imagine. But.." Alex said confused.

" But you needed to protect Max. I am not happy that someone else had the pleasure to touch you and kiss you but I understand why you did it. We chose this life, Max didn't. I love you, Alex" Sean said and kissed her again.

He pushed her softly away and he took a step behind. Slowly he took out of his pocket a little box and he knelt down on one knee. He opened the box and took out a ring.

" Alex you will always hold my heart. I am yours since the first day that we met. I love you till the moon and back, always and forever. Marry me" Sean requested softly and looked up at Alex, who was now pale like a ghost and she let the tears ran freely down to her cheeks.


	17. Chapter 17

" Alex you will always hold my heart. I am yours since the first day that we met. I love you till the moon and back, always and forever. Marry me" Sean requested softly and looked up at Alex, who was now pale like a ghost and she let the tears ran freely down to her cheeks.

* * *

Nikita and Michael were watching the scene from the distance. Nikita gasped and placed her hand on her mouth with tears in her eyes as soon as she saw Sean kneeling in front of Alex.

" Is he..?" Nikita asked Michael.

" Proposing to Alex?" Michael completed her sentence.

" Yes, he is. He had asked our permission before the munity but Alex left and he didn't have time to propose to her then." Michael replied calmly and hugged Nikita.

They didn't dare to take their eyes from the lovely couple. Their little girl was being proposed by a wonderful man. But they couldn't understand what was going on. They waited Alex to jump on Sean and start kissing him but Alex was staying still.

* * *

" Sean?" Alex gasped in shock.

" Alexandra Udinov would you marry?" Sean replied his question worried that Alex didn't answer him.

Slowly Alex fell on her knees and stared at Sean.

" Sean Pierce, you are one of the best things in my life. And I love you more than my own life. But I will leave again, Sean" Alex replied softly.

" If you want to leave again, I will support you, I will have your back. Marry me, Alex." Sean pleaded.

" Would you wait for me?" Alex asked with a shaking voice.

" Forever." Sean said firmly.

Alex smiled sadly. She took the ring in her hands and glared at it. She sighed hurt and she placed back in Sean's palm and closed his hand over the ring.

" Then ask me again when I come back for good. I love you, Sean. And I want to marry you and spend my whole life with you. I want to have children with you and grew old with you. I want to wake up every morning with you besides me. But you mean too much for me to accept your proposal now. It would be too selfish. I can't do that. I can't put you in danger, I can't risk your life. I am sorry, Sean. I love you more than you can imagine" Alex said and captured Sean's lips in a lovely kiss.

She let some tears to fall and she stood up. She left Sean still knelt on the ground and walked towards Michael and Nikita.

She hugged Michael.

" Take care of them" Alex whispered in his ear with a trembling voice.

" You are leaving again?" Michael questioned sadly. They hadn't understood what had happened and what Alex replied to Sean.

" I have to" Alex replied sadly and tried to control an upcoming sob.

She turned to Nikita. She didn't dare to hug her knowing that Nikita's hug would cause her to break down.

" Stay away from Amanda, please" Alex requested calmly and she glared to Tom who came running to her.

" Are you sure?" Tom asked. He had seen Sean's proposal and he wanted to make sure that Alex was still sure that she wanted to finish her war.

Alex didn't dare to speak, so she nodded affirmative and Tom hugged her.

" We have the next location." Tom informed her defeated and handed a gun.

" Be safe" Alex said to Michael and Nikita and ran towards her team, tears running freely from her eyes.

" I will make sure that she will come back alive" Tom promised and he left running behind Alex. As soon as he jumped in the helicopter, the wheels went on air and Alex left her family one more time.

* * *

Nikita and Michael watched as Alex left and then they turned to see Sean walking towards them with tears on his cheeks.

" What happened?" Michael asked when he saw Sean's broken figure. At the begining he thought that Sean was sad because Alex left again but then Sean show them the ring.

" She denied your proposal?" Nikita asked in shock. She knew that Alex loved Sean and she wanted to live a life with him.

Sean shook his head. He didn't know what Alex's response was. It wasn't a yes and it wasn't a no. He was so confused and so broken. He just wanted to hold Alex in his arms and never let her go.

" Sean, she loves more than everything, she wants that. She wants a life with you" Nikita said with tears in her eyes.

" She is scared of something. She said to ask her again when she comes back for good because it would be too selfish if she accepted now and put my life in danger like that" Sean whispered trying to hold back his cries.

" She will come back Sean and you will have the life that you deserve to have" Michael tried to reassure him.

" Why is she so scared? What Amanda did to her? I want Alex back in my arms, I want to hold her and never let her go. I love her damn" Sean yelled and left Michael and Nikita.

" Do you know what is going on?" Michael asked Nikita curiously.

" I have no idea and that is what scares me more" Nikita replied honestly.

* * *

Meanwhile on the air...

" Are you ok?" Tom asked Alex worried when he noticed that Alex was still crying.

" Hell no!" Alex shouted in pain. And how could she be ok? She had just turned off Sean's proposal and she had left her family behind.

" I want to finish this mission as soon as possible. Tell me what we have." Alex added with red eyes trying to hold herself together. She knew that there was no a way back. She had made her mind. She would face her past and when she makes peace with it and none can use it against her family, she would return to them.

Tom sighed defeated. Alex was too stubborn and he knew it. He couldn't blame her for making that decision. He would have chosen the same. He would have left too in order to protect his family even if that was going to kill him from the inside. He would have done anything to protect them.

" Fine. His full name is Julian Armando. He leaves in New York with his wife, Laura and his three daughters, Mary, Ria, Anna, age of 15, 12 and 8. His family thinks that he is a plastic surgeon." Tom informed Alex calmly.

" I want the helicopter to land on his backyard. Let's pay Julian a visit" Alex ordered and Tom left to talk with the pilot.

* * *

After 4 more hours on air, the helicopter landed on the backyard of Julian's house and a worried wife and three children come out running.

Alex and her men jumped out of the helicopter.

" Lower your guns" Alex shouted to her men and walked towards the oldest woman.

" Hi. You must be Laura. I am really sorry for the entrance but it is really important to talk to Julian." Alex said calmly smiling.

" Who are you?" Laura asked in shock.

" Oh, yes. I forgot to introduce myself. I am Alexandra Udinov" Alex said and lifted her hand to shake hands with Laura, who return the gesture.

" The russian billionaire?" Laura asked in shock.

" Yes. Is Julian here?" Alex asked softly.

" No. He will be back in half hour. Can I help you?" Laura replied trying her best to keep her shock under control.

" I want to talk to him about businesses. Would you mind if I wait for him?" Alex said.

" Mommy mommy who is this woman?" a yound girl asked.

" You must be Anna. I am Alex." Alex said and knelt down to face the little kid.

" How do you know my name?" Anna asked scared.

" I am a friend of your daddy. He speaks a lot about you and your sisters. And you look exactly like he does." Alex said calmly and smiled when the kid in front of her relaxed.

" Daddy is not here now" Anna said innocently.

" I know. Your mom told me." Alex replied still smiling.

" You can wait for him in his office." Laura instructed.

" Thank you" Alex replied and followed the woman in her house.

" Can I offer you something?" Laura asked politely.

" No thanks. You have already done too much for me." Alex replied and Laura closed the door behind her.

Alex took her time and looked around his office. She looked to his books, his fake diplomas. She opened his drawerers and his computer. Her attention was caught by a photo of Julian with his family during summer time. He was so happy being around of his daughters. How could he do what he did to her when he had children? How could he rape her when she was 13 and torture her and force her to take drugs and have gang sex when he had a daughter at the same age? Alex sighed and took a seat in the main chair behind Julian's desk. She smiled when she heard the door bell ringing. She stayed still and she listened to the conversation outside.

* * *

" Welcome home, Julian" Laura welcomed him and placed a soft kiss on his lips.

" My love.." Julian replied smiling.

" Daddy daddy daddy! Look what I draw for you" Anna shouted running towards Julian who bent down and took the girl in his arms and lifted her up.

" Is that daddy and you?" Julian asked softly when he saw the picture.

" Yes daddy." Anna said with pride.

" It is wonderful" Julian commented and kissed her cheeks.

" Where are your sisters?" Julian asked.

" Mary has ballet class and Ria piano" Anna replied.

" Nice. Why don't you go and paint one more picture about mommy." Julian instructed softly and let down his daughter.

" Yeah!" Anna shouted and ran upstairs.

" How is my love?" Julian asked turning to his wife.

" You have visitors." Laura replied.

" What do you mean?" Julian asked confused.

" Alexandra Udinov is waiting for you in your office." Laura said with a smile. She couldn't believe that Alexandra Udinov, the russian legend was in her home.

Julian's face turned white. How could she? He thought that here he was protected. He gathered his courage and talk.

" I don't want anyone to interrupt us." Julian ordered and left towards his office.

He opened the door and stepped in.

" Hello Julian" Alex said coldly and smirked when Julian closed the door behind him.

" What the hell do you want here?" Julian asked coldly.

" I am writing the rules of our game." Alex replied with hate.

" Get out" Julian ordered firmly.

" Or what?" Alex retorted angrily and stood up.

" What is your lovely wife going to think when she learns the truth? Learn that your lovely husband rapes and tortures young girls in the age of your daughters instead of being a plastic surgeon... I can't even imagine it. It will turn her world upside down." Alex added evilly.

" Stay away from my family" Julian warned and walked towards her to face her.

" How could you be a father? You rape children younger than your oldest daughter. How could you?" Alex asked with hate.

" They pay me a lot of money." Julian replied honestly.

" How much do you want to leave me alone?" Alex asked grabbing the opportunity to buy a truce.

" You are a special situation. I don't want money. I am working with Amanda just to have fun." Julian said and smirked to Alex.

" Fun?" Alex asked in shock.

" You are a slut Alexandra, a cheap whore and you are mine. You belong to me. I own you." Julian whispered with hate in Alex's ears.

" And you will be under my pants once more. I will break you again and again. I will rip out your heart and your soul. You will be mine. You will pay for escaping. You will pay for defying me. You will kneel in front of me. You will be under my orders. You will be my bitch. And I will have fun." Julian added and stared at her eyes.

" I didn't know that you were so obsessed with me" Alex said calmly even if her heart beated faster and faster.

" I own you" Julian provoqued Alex again.

" Or I might own you. I have captured your mind, your desires. I own your life." Alex replied softly and smirked to him.

" You are just a fucking slut" Julian said seriously.

" You are nothing better than me." Alex replied firmly and Julian stared back at her.

" Anyway I didn't come here just to exchange insults with you. Let's make something clear, stay away from my family." Alex said coldly like ice.

" I will do what I have to do in order to break you" Julian replied.

" I don't think that you understood me. Leave my family out of this or I will come after yours." Alex said with hate. Alex's face was dark, her eyes emotionless. Her gaze was the gaze of a person that you try to keep away from your love ones. Alex was Alexandra Udinov for now, the woman that her father wanted her to be. She was coldblood and she would do anything without hesitation to protect her family.

" If you touch them, you will beg me to kill you" Julian warned with anger and he started turning red.

" Let me give you a picture of your future if you touch my family. Your entire family will be captured and you too. And they will suffer in front of your eyes and you will be unable to react. Tell me how often do people have the chance to taste a 9 years old girl. My men will have to take advantage of that, don't you think?" Alex said calmly with a lethal tone.

Julian started trembling from his anger.

" You willl stay away from them, you bitch" Julian shouted and moved closer to Alex his face inches from hers. He didn't dare to hit no wanting to provoque a scene in his own house.

" Do we have a deal? Leave the families aside. You will come after me and I will come after you. You won't touch my family and I won't touch yours. You touch my family and I will turn your life into a fucking living hell, like you did with my life. Do we have a deal?" Alex said firmly. She was surprised of herself. She didn't believe that she could actually threaten his family and remain calm in front of him but her love about her own family, about Sean and Nikita and Michael and the others was more powerful than she had thought.

" You have your deal. You will regret threatening my family Alexandra" Julian said firmly tryinng to calm himself down.

" You threatened mine first. Goodbye for now Julian. Give my kisses to Anna." Alex said and left the room.

She walked towards the door and stopped to say goodbye to Laura.

" Thanks for your hospitality, Laura. It was nice to meet you." Alex said politely and smiled.

" It was my pleasure miss Udinov. Come visit us again" Laura said and smiled back.

" I will try it. Goodnight" Alex replied and exited the house. She walked towards the helicopther and embarked.

She gestured to the pilot to start.

" Did you complete your mission?" Tom asked worried

" Yes" Alex said and smiled. Slowly she was turning into her usual self. She wasn't ashamed about what she did, she didn't regret it. Of course she didn't like being Alexandra but she knew that it was her only chance to save her family.

" Where are we going?" the pilot asked yelling when they were on the air.

" On the airport." Alex replied yelling so that she could be heard through the noise of the machine and the wind

" Why?" Tom asked confused.

" The others will be waiting for us there. We will take the jet and continue our journey. We are heading to Russia" Alex replied calmly.

" What do we want to Russia?" Tom asked surprised. For as long as he knew Alex, she was avoiding Russia.

" It is time for me to say goodbye to my father. We will stay in Udinov's state." Alex said and smiled sadly.


	18. Chapter 18

" It is time for me to say goodbye to my father. We will stay in Udinov's state." Alex said and smiled sadly.

* * *

" Birkoff! Tell me that we know where she is?" Sean asked worried once more time.

" We only know what Alex let us to know." Birkoff replied calmly. He didn't want to piss Sean off right now. Alex had just rejected his proposal several hours ago.

" And what that would be?" Sean shouted.

" She is heading to Russia. We don't know anything more, just her final destination." Birkoff replied.

" I want to get there as soon as possible." Sean said.

" Sean, don't. She doesn't want us to go after her. The only reason why she is letting us know her destination is because she wants us to know that she is safe. But if we go after her, she will leave and she won't let any other leads for us. We will lose complete contact with her if you go after her" Nikita tried to reason her.

" Damn! What the hell Amanda did to her? Why is she so scared?" Sean shouted frustated and defeated. Nikita was right, he couldn't go after Alex without provoquing her. She let them some leads only because she wanted them to know that she was safe but if they used the leads to track her down then she would run away again and contact them only when her mission was over.

" Birkoff, I want you to inform us as soon as Alex let us have some visual or give us any more leads. Sean go and rest." Nikita ordered and Birkoff and Sean nodded defeated.

" What are you going to do?" Michael asked Nikita worried.

" I will wait for Amanda to show up." Nikita said firmly. She was so stubborn, Alex had warned her not to go after Amanda but she couldn't listen to anyone, she was so stubborn.

" Why you can't just listen to Alex and stay away from Amanda for awhile?" Michael asked sadly.

" Because Amanda is going after my loved ones and Alex is in danger because of me. I can't stand by and let her deal with I don't know what by herself" Nikita replied softly. She knew that Michael was worried about her but now she was worried for Alex. She didn't know what Alex was scared of and what her mission was and that silence was killing her, she was scared and she couldn't held her worry.

* * *

" Welcome to Udinov's state, guys" Alex said to her team as they approached the house where she grew up.

" It is huge" Meredith commented with wide eyes.

" Yes, it is. Make yourself comfortable." Alex replied softly and her team started looking inside the rooms and make themselves comfortable.

" Where are you going?" Tom asked when Alex started walking away from the others.

" To the room where everything started" Alex said sadly and went upstairs.

She opened the door and stepped in. She closed it behind her and took a deep breathe as images from her papa trying to save her passed through her mind. Slowly she walked towards the bed. She knelt down and took a huge breathe letting some tears to fall down. She didn't want to do it, she was so scared but she needed to do it. She needed to let it go, she needed to get rid of her fear. She laid down on the floor and moved under the bed. She kept her eyes closed trying to control her breathe. She tried to focus and hold back her panic attack. She remembered what Amanda had done to help her go through her past and she sighed loudly. Slowly she opened her teary eyes. She lived again her memory, her father hiding her and told her his last goodbye, he asked her to look for the moon and find things that will light her life even in her darkest moments, the door opening violently and Nikita- now without a mask- entering the room and executing her father, the fires growing around her. She relived this moment again and again until she could control her breathing. When she achieved her goal and fought her fear after two hours, she stood up. She walked away from the bed and started crying as soon as she reached the wall opposite of the bed, she fell on her knees and started sobbing. She couldn't handle it anymore. She needed to take out all her pain, her frustation, her feeling of betrayal. She cried till the time that she didn't have anymore tears to let down. Then with trembling legs, she walked out of the room.

" Are you ok?" Tom asked worried when he saw her cried feature.

" I will be better in awhile" Alex whispered back in grave voice.

" What are we doing here Alex?" Tom asked confused.

" I want to say goodbye to my father. I never had the chance to tell him that I loved him and that I miss him. I am going to visit his last residence, his grave." Alex replied seriously.

" You can't be serious! You are going to be too exposed. What if Amanda or Julian or anyone else come after you?" Tom shouted in shock.

" They are welcome to come. They don't want to kill me. They want to make me suffer so I am pretty sure that they will let me say my last goodbye because it will make me pain. And besides that, you and Meredith will be near by watching my back." Alex said firmly.

" Can we go now please? I don't want to make my papa wait" Alex added and grabbed a gun before she exitted the house.

Tom sighed defeated and gestured to Meredith to grab her gun too and they run after Alex. They entered her car and Alex headed to the cemetery.

* * *

" Nerd, anything new?" Nikita asked pacing up and down. She had a bad feeling and she didn't know why.

" No, Nicky, nothing. Amanda and Alex are out of the randar" Birkoff replied and kept typing like a maniac in his computer. He was so frustated that he couldn't locate Alex. He was shadowalker but he couldn't find Alex and she was out there by herself.

" This is crazy!" Sean shouted mad. He wanted his Alex back, he wanted to hold her and never let her go ever again.

Michael felt the tense in the room and walked towards Sean. He placed a reassuring arm on his shoulder.

" She will come back. Give her sometime. Everything will be fine." Michael said softly.

" Give her sometime? What if was Nikita on the run, Michael? It is easy to say that everything will be fine when you have the woman that you love in your arms! You don't have nightmares of your love coming back in a body bag! I have! So don't tell me that everything will be fine!" Sean yelled frustated. He didn't want to be mean with Michael, he was just worried to death.

Michael looked at him with sympathy. He was right, he would have gone crazy too if he didn't know where Nikita was. He took a minute to think how he was supposed to react and then hugged Sean softly and walked towards Birkoff giving him advices that might help locate Alex.

Sean looked at him with wide eyes. It was the first time that Michael had hugged him.

" I am sorry for taking it out on you guys" Sean whispered defeated.

" It is ok, Sean. We are all scared because we don't know why she left, where she is and what she is facing." Nikita said sadly. She could understand him, she felt the same way. She wanted to kick Alex's ass for scaring her to death and then hug her and never let her go ever again.

* * *

" Here we are. I need some privacy. Don't get yourself killed and don't kill anyone else" Alex ordered Meredith and Tom and walked towards her father's grave. She stood still for few seconds looking at his grave and then she knelt down placing some flowers on it.

" Hi, papa" Alex said with trembling voice.

" I am sorry for taking me so long. I didn't know how to come here and what to say. I am sorry, I should have found the courage earlier. I survived that night, papa. Your killer saved me. I didn't know how to handle this information. All my life I wanted revenge for your death. But I didn't know that the person that I love the most in this world, my savior, my best friend, my big sister is also the one who took everything away from me. I made you two promises the night that you died. I promised you to find a moon which will light even the darkest nights, I promised you to live for you and I promised you to avenge your death. The problem is that I can't complete both of my promises because my moon is also your killer. I don't know if I failed you but I made the choice to keep living for you. I didn't kill Nikita, papa. I killed Shemmak and I took Zetrov back but I couldn't kill Nikita. I couldn't live if I did. She is my moon. Even in my darkest nights, she is there holding me. Once you told me that I would have to trust someone someday but I should always depend on myself. You were right. Life is nothing without love and trust, papa." Alex cried quietly.

" I remember our last christmas together, I asked you what the best present would be for you. You looked at me and you told me that me and my mother had already given you that present, true love, the love that only a family can give you. I know now what you meant. Yes, true love is the best gift ever. You should know that mama is fine. I know that you would like to know that even if she cheated on you because you loved her so much. She is fine, papa. I found her and helped her to get better. She is safe now, far away from this crazy spy life." Alex continued and took a deep breathe.

" Your memory helped me survive, the skills that you taught me helped me survive, you were always there for me in my heart. I know that I have done things that you wouldn't have been proud of if you were alive, I have broken, I have tried to kill myself, I have lost hope but I am here now dealing with my past, dealing with my demons and I need you, papa. I need you to be there for me in my heart. I am finally standing up for myself even when it isn't easy and it isn't easy, papa. Leaving my familly behind to chase the past and heal myself isn't easy and I need you. I am doing what you taught me to do, I am trying to be strong, I am trying to do what it is necessary to protect the people that I love. You have always been my guider, papa, stay with me, don't leave me again papa. I miss you so much, I miss you. I love you and it hurts. I just want you to know that I love you. I love you, papa and I miss you" Alex whispered and let her tears to fall. She had kept it inside for so long. And now finally she had said to her father everything that she wanted him to know and the most important she had told him that she loves him.

She remained in silence for several minutes, with her head down and her eyes closed trying to put herself back together. She was brought out of her thoughts when she heard heels approaching. Her heart started beating faster as the heels came closer and the fear rose inside her. She knew that sound, she had heard it millions time in the past and it wasn't a sound that she wanted to hear ever again. But she expected that, she knew that a confrontation was coming, she just hoped that she could finish what she was doing. She took her chances and slowly she lifted her hand signaling to the person that was coming towards her that she needed two more minutes. And in Alex's surprise, the person obeyed and the sound of the heels fainted as the person stopped in shock a few metres away from Alex giving her some space to finish her goodbye. The visitor didn't expect Alex to feel her presence and she was surprised to see that Alex had sensed her coming. She didn't want to distrub Alex during her goodbye. Alex had gained her respect and she decided to stay in silence for as long as Alex wanted her to do so. She would speak with Alex but for now, she was going to let Alex say her goodbye.

* * *

" Nikitaaa!" Birkoff yelled.

" What?" Nikita shouted running towards him.

" We have visual to Amanda! The satellite caught her face." Birkoff informed her and put a video on the screen to play.

" Where is she?" Sean asked.

" In a cemetery in Russia" Birkoff informed them.

They all watched as Amanda was standing still a few metres behind a woman who was knelt down in front of a grave. They couldn't see the woman's face as her back was turned to the angle of the satellite.

" Who is the woman?" Michael asked.

" I don't know. Someone close to Amanda probably. She seems to respect her and the woman doesn't seem uncomfortable with Amanda's presence." Nikita commented studying the live video of Amanda.

" We will see soon." Sean mentioned when the woman wiped her face, touched the grave and then stood up her back still turned to Amanda.

The woman stood in silence for few seconds and then slowly turned to face Amanda exposing her identity.

" Alex?" Nikita gasped in shock and horror.


	19. Chapter 19

" Alex?" Nikita gasped in shock and horror.

She hadn't felt so scared for a long time. She felt powerless. Amanda, her worst nightmare, was standing in front of Alex and she couldn't do anything. She was scared. Her feeling that something was wrong came out real and she couldn't manage her worry. What Amanda was going to do to Alex? How did she find her? Why Alex was left so exposed? She got more scared as she saw Alex's face, her eyes were red, her features tough, her gaze brave and fearless. She was just standing there before Amanda, she didn't blink her eyes, she didn't get surprised, she didn't try to run or attack Amanda, she was just standing. She looked like she wasn't afraid of Amanda and that could trigger Amanda.

Nikita's gaze now focused at Amanda. She looked surprised that Alex sensed her presence, she looked fearless and evil as always, her hands crossed on her chest and a flower in her right hand. What the hell was going on? What Amanda was planning this time? What was her game? Where her team was?

Nikita was brought out of her thoughts as she saw Meredith and Tom running towards the two women with their guns trained to Amanda but Alex turned her back to Amanda again and lifted her hands up stopping them. She gestured to them to leave and after awhile they obeyed leaving Alex and Amanda alone again. Alex turned around one more time and Nikita and the others watched with wide eyes their interaction trying to read their body language and their lips.

* * *

" What can I do for you Amanda?" Alex asked softly trying to keep her voice stable.

" You have left a lot of leads behind. I knew that you were heading to Russia." Amanda commented with a tone of disapproval.

" I know. And I know now how quickly you can respond to your leads." Alex said calmly letting Amanda know that she did it on purpose trying to figure out Amanda's resources and time of response and Amanda was just caught up in this stupid trap.

" Why did you order your people to leave?" Amanda asked curiously changing the subject. Alex was kept surprising every single day.

" Do I need my team here, Amanda?" Alex returned the question. She didn't want to give a straight answer. She knew that Amanda couldn't kill her yet, she had lessons for her just like she had for Nikita. Amanda wouldn't let her die until she had gotten her revenge. She wanted to make Alex suffer, she didn't want to kill her, not yet. And Alex knew that. She ordered her team to leave because she was curious about what Amanda wanted this time.

" Not this time" Amanda replied honestly and smiled to Alex. A smile that could only cause fear to someone who knew what was under that mask.

" How can I help you?" Alex asked again pressing Amanda to make her intentions clear fast as she didn't want to spend more time than it was needed with her.

" If it is okay with you, I would like to say 'hi' to Nikolai. I haven't been in Russia for a while and as a result I haven't had the chance to visit him." Amanda said softly trying not to piss Alex off. She didn't want Alex to leave, she wanted to talk with her.

Alex looked at her with wide eyes. Did she just call her father Nikolai? Did she say that she was used to visit her father's grave?

_I am not going to play her little mind game. If she wants to tell me something, then she can say it directly. I am done playing games. _Alex thought.

" Of course" Alex said and walked away from Nikolai's grave passing Amanda when suddenly Amanda took a hold of her hand- the one that she had injected with the virus and it was bleeding when someone hit her wound. Alex stopped instantly keeping her eyes away from Amanda.

" Please don't leave. We need to talk." Amanda pleaded softly.

Alex looked at her and nodded. Amanda pressed a little more Alex's hand making it sure that her wound would be reopened and smirked evilly. She let go of Alex and walked towards the grave while Alex turned around and watched her giving her respect to her diseased father.

Amanda stopped in front of it and took a deep breathe. Slowly she sat down on her toes and placed he flower that she held on the grave. She closed her eyes and took some minutes.

" I am sorry for hurting your daughter, my friend" Amanda said loud enough for Alex to hear and stood up turning towards Alex, who had put on her face an emotionless mask wanting to protect herself from Amanda's mind game as much as she could.

" Yes, I knew your father." Amanda said walking towards Alex and stopping two steps away from her. Alex hadn't asked that question but Amanda answered knowing that this information would probably rock Alex's world.

" How?" Alex asked coldly. What Amanda was playing this time?

" You should have noticed that I have a thing about men with power." Amanda said simply and smiled with meaning.

" I am not sure that I want to understand what you want say." Alex replied softly trying to hide her shock.

" We had an affair for some years. You were little then only 4 or 5. I don't remember exactly. You had almost caught us once. Katya was in a spa and you were playing outside. Nikolai and I were in the kitchen doing our stuff when we heard little footsteps. We got dressed and pretended that we were talking." Amanda explained calmly and stopped to study Alex's figure. Alex was looking at Amanda with wide eyes in shock, she was remembering this day. She remembered the day but she had hidden this memory deep inside her.

" You came in and your dad asked you what you wanted. ' I want ice, papa' you replied in english and you showed us a deep cut in your hand and a bruise that it had started forming. I went to the fridge and walked towards you to help you but you denied my help. You took the ice, you thanked me and you left. It was a nusty cut but you weren't crying, you were strong. You were always storng" Amanda completed her story.

" You know that I didn't need the picture of your fleshmath in my mind, right?" Alex asked sarcastically.

" I am sorry for destroying the idea of your father." Amanda commented honestly.

" You didn't. I knew that my father was cheating on my mom. I have caught him again. Anyway, why are you telling me this, Amanda?" Alex replied more calmly now.

" Do you remember the day that I described you before?" Amanda asked amused.

" Unfortunately yes" Alex said harsh.

" Do you remember our chat later that day. When I finished with your dad and I came to find you and try to understand why you didn't accept my help?" Amanda asked curiously.

" Partly" Alex replied honestly trying to remember as much details as possible.

" You are clever, Alex. You always were. You told me that you were grateful for my offer but you didn't want to depend on others. You told me that it was good to know that you have people who care enough to look after you but it was even better when you could stand on your own legs. I was impressed. You were so young but so wise." Amanda commented.

" I don't see your point, Amanda" Alex said wanting this convesation to end as soon as possible. Picturing younger self talking calmly with Amanda could only send shivers through her spine.

" How are you holding away from the others, Alex?" Amanda asked getting to the point of the conversation.

" Why do you care Amanda?" Alex asked confused.

" I care because I am your teacher, Alex" Amanda said seriously and Alex started laughing.

" Teacher? You called what you are doing, teaching?" Alex asked in disbelief.

" The only thing that I have done for you and Nikita is helping you and teaching you! You should be grateful, both of you!" Amanda said firmly.

" I feel so grateful! And I am sure that Nikita does to" Alex replied sarcastically.

" You should be on your knees!" Amanda shouted hurt.

" You destroyed our lives, Amanda. You killed the people that we loved, you are after the people that we love. Why? Why do you have so much hate inside you?" Alex shouted back frustated.

" You betrayed me! Nikita left, you were lying to me all the time and then you double-crossed me! You are responsible for that! I was always there for you and you betrayed me!" Amanda yelled and walked closer to Alex.

" We betrayed you? We didn't betray you, Amanda. We just decided that we didn't want to be your puppies. You manipulate people Amanda, you want them to follow you blindly. The only thing that we did was to stand up for our believes, we just decided to fight your mind games. It wasn't personal Amanda, you made it personal when you messed up with Daniel." Alex retorted angrily.

" I didn't kill Daniel! I tried to warn her, I tried to protect her! I didn't have Daniel killed!" Amanda yelled annoyed. She was tired of being accused for something that she didn't do.

" You didn't stop it either" Alex whispered.

" I didn't know damn. She forgave Sam for killing Daniel but she had never stopped fighting me." Amanda said defeated. This conversation wasn't going as it was planned. It was supposed to trigger Alex's emotions not hers.

" Maybe because she expected more from you, Amanda. You let her down and she can't just forgive you, especially when you had caused her so much pain going after the people that she loves" Alex said softly. She didn't expect Amanda to actually have feelings.

" Then why you didn't hate Nikita? She has done to you exactly what I have done to her and even more. Why you are still with her?" Amanda asked trying to turn the conversation on Alex again.

Alex looked at Amanda thoughtfully. She didn't know how to react to this. She didn't know what she was supposed to answer. The only reason why she was with Nikita after everything it was because she loved her but she couldn't just tell that to Amanda. Not when it could put Nikita in a great danger. She needed to persuade Amanda that she didn't care about Nikita.

" What is so difficult to answer?" Amanda asked surprised that Alex hasn't answered yet.

" Why do you care? I am not with her anymore." Alex replied avoiding to answer directly Amanda's question.

" I think that you are still with her. You went to Julian, you threatened his family, you forced him to step down. Why would you put yourself in so much trouble if you didn't care." Amanda replied calmly.

" He decided to step down? Glad to hear that!" Alex replied.

" Why do you still care?" Amanda asked again seriously.

" I don't care about the others Amanda. I left them. I went to Julian because I want a fair game. If he wants to break me, he is welcome to try but he will do whatever he wants to me. I always enjoy a nice game Amanda. I just made it sure that this is what I will get' Alex lied.

" You can't win Alex. You can't overpower me. Just run far away and never bother me again. I want revenge yes, but I am willing to spare your life if you run right now." Amanda offered and she was telling the truth. She was sadistic and she wanted them to suffer but she knew that she couldn't bring herself to kill Alex.

Alex stared at Amanda with wide eyes. She didn't really expect her to run, right? She smiled softly and she took a step towards Amanda her body inches away from her.

" Bring it on" Alex challenged her and Amanda sighed defeated.

Amanda closed the gap and placed a soft kiss on Alex's cheek, a kiss that it was also a threat. Alex didn't react not wanting to give Amanda the pleasure of her being disguist or hurt by her move.

" Let's play cards" Amanda whispered to her ears and walked away.

She stopped a few metres away and turned back to Alex.

" It is my turn, if I remember correctly." Amanda said coldly

" Let's give you some pain. I would really like to see how you will react around Sean and Nikita after turning Sean's proposal down and leaving without hugging Nikita. Go back to Division, sweetheart." Amanda added evilly when Alex turned to look at her.

" And why exactly should I go back?" Alex asked coldly.

" Michael's hand is a gift from the Shop and it is infected with a lethal virus. The cure is in your blood. The virus that I injected you with and caused you the bleeding is the cure. If you want to save Michael, you will have to transferre at least 51% of your blood to his system. To work the blood must be taken directly from your body." Amanda said and an evil grin formed on her face.

" What?" Alex yelled in shock.

" I will send them a video with what the virus can do. You have 16 hours. Good luck" Amanda said and left leaving a frozen Alex.

_16 hours..._ The words echoed in Alex's mind.


	20. Chapter 20

_16 hours..._ The words echoed in Alex's mind.

Alex didn't waste more time. As soon as Amanda left her sight, she took out her phone and dialed a number while she was walking with a fast pace towards her car. She got inside and started, she stopped and gestured Meredith and Tom to get inside and she started driving again in a crazy, dangerous speed.

" Come on Birkoff pick it up" Alex yelled frustated when her phone kept calling but none answered it.

* * *

" Where is my phone?" Birkoff shouted to everyone when a ringtone started echoing through ops and he started searching for his cell phone, lifting keyboards, looking under the desks.

" I got it" Nikita said and picked up the phone.

" Hello?" Nikita asked calmly.

" Give me Birkoff" Alex ordered from the other end of the call.

" Alex?" Nikita asked in shock.

" NOW." Alex yelled at Nikita and Nikita annoyed passed the phone to Birkoff. She was tired of fighting with Alex and she knew that it was pointless to do so especially now, when Alex had just come out of a meeting with Amanda. She wanted to know what was wrong because she had seen Alex's face suddeny darkened in the video, she had as worry passed through her eyes but she was clever enough to do it now. Alex needed to speak with Birkoff and for now she would follow her wish.

" Yeah?" Birkoff asked hesitantly.

" Put a clock on the screen counting down from 15h 58mins and 34secs" Alex ordered.

" What?" Birkoff asked confused.

" Do it Birkoff!" Alex yelled frustated and worried. Why everyone wanted to have chit-chat right now?

Birkoff ran to his desk and started typing.

" 15hs 58mins and..." Birkoff let his sentence to trail.

" 30secs... 29secs..." Alex said and kept counting for him.

" Done" Birkoff exclaimed and Alex sighed in relief.

* * *

" Alex, watch out!" Tom yelled when Alex made a dangerous manouevre.

" Call the pilot! Wheels are on air in 5" Alex ordered.

" Wheels to where?" Meredith asked confused.

" Back to Division." Alex whispered and her heart sank in coldness.

" Alex, there is no way to go there on time" Tom said softly.

" It will take us 15 hours and 30 mins just to reach the airport and then we need 2 more hours to reach to Division" Meredith explained with shaking voice. She knew that look at Alex's eyes. It was the one that she had when someone close to her was in lethal danger.

" Then, I will jump and let's hope that I don't get myself killed." Alex said firmly raising the speed of the car.

* * *

" Alex, do you want to explain to me what exactly that clock counts?" Birkoff asked softly sensing Alex's nerves.

" I will as soon as it is confirmed. In my recruit room, behind the wareboard, there is a hidden door. If you open it, you will find 6 safe vaults. When you are there, tell me to give you instructions." Alex ordered calmly.

" I don't know how to open secret doors!" Birkoff exclaimed angrily and scared about what was going on.

" Then take with you someone that does!" Alex yelled.

" Nikita with me. Now." Birkoff ordered and ran out of ops followed by Nikita. He ran through the halls and entered Alex's room.

" What are we doing here, nerd?" Nikita said and stopped to catch her breathe as soon as they entered Alex's recruit room.

" Behind her wareboard, there is a secret door. Do your magic" Birkoff said calmly and started pacing up and down feeling his own nerves to tense up.

Nikita walked towards the wareboard and started to examine it after awhile she smiled.

" Clever girl" Nikita whispered to herself and pressed a little hidden button and a secret door opened exposing six safe vaults.

" OK. What now?" Birkoff asked Alex.

" The code for the second one is Bratt. B-R-A-T-T" Alex informed.

" Like Nikita's Bratt?" Birkoff gasped in shock.

" Yes" Alex replied sadly. Now, she was in big trouble. How she was supposed to explain that she gave his name as a code to one of her vaults. Nikita would get mad before she even manage to open her mouth. She gave that code because she never wanted to open this vault, because it was a vault with a context that she didn't want to see or use.

" Ok. It is opened. There are 4 syrignes with different colours and some science-piles where we keep example of liquids." Birkoff informed her.

" I know what I have in my vault, nerd" Alex commented.

" Take them with you, call the others and go somewhere private" Alex added.

* * *

Alex violently stopped the car and they all jumped out of it and ran towards the jet.

" Up. Up. Up. Up" Alex yelled to the pilot and he obeyed immediately.

" Where do we go?" The pilot asked confused and tired. He was called unexpectedly and he was still confused.

" We will fly above Division. I will have to jump" Alex said and the pilot nodded in understanding. He knew by now that it was pointless to fight with Alex.

* * *

" Alex?" Birkoff shouted again when Alex didn't respond to his last call.

" Sorry!" Alex said calmly. That was insane, she was leading several conversations at the same time.

" We are in Ryan's office. Why do we need privacy?" Birkoff asked worried. He wanted answers. He wanted to know what was going on.

" Because you might have another mole inside Division" Alex explained calmly.

" What do you mean another mole?" Nikita asked in shock.

" I mean that Amanda knows things that she shouldn't." Alex replied coldly.

" Birkoff, I need you to take a blood example from Michael and mix it with two cm of the green liquid and 1 from the blue one" Alex ordered.

Birkoff didn't say anything. He knew that he wasn't going to get an answer until he fulfilled Alex's demands. He walked towards Michael and he followed Alex's instructions.

" Ok and now what? Birkoff asked trying to understand what exactly was going on.

" Tell me the colour that the liquid has now." Alex requested.

" Orange" Birkoff replied immediately.

" Damn!" Alex yelled.

" Alex, do you want to explain me what is going on?" Birkoff yelled worried.

" Take the phone with you and leave the others and I will tell you." Alex ordered.

" Fine" Birkoff said frustated and picked up the phone and exited the room.

" Now talk" Birkoff ordered firmly.

" The clock counts Michael's remained life. His hand is infected with a lethal virus that Amanda will trigger when the time is up. The only way to save him is to transferre 51% of my blood into his system. That means that if I managed to be there on time, you will have to bleed me out and save Michael. I will do my best to be there to save him on time but with Amanda, you never know." Alex informed him sadly.

" You can't be serious." Birkoff cried in shock and horror.

" Unfortunately, I am. She will send you a video which will show how the virus work. Just in cast take the test all of you. I am sorry Birkoff, I have to go" Alex said and hang off the phone.

* * *

" She is crazy." Alex cried to Tom.

" It is going to be ok, Alex. You will save Michael. Don't worry." Tom reassured her and Meredith hugged her tight as Alex left some tears to fall.

* * *

" What am I suppose to tell them?" Birkoff whispered to himself.

Slowly he took a deep breathe and entered the room. He went towards the medical tools and with shaking hands he repeated the test for everyone inside the room. He sighed in relief when none's blood turned orange.

" Nerd, what is wrong?" Nikita asked worried looking at Birkoff's figure. His face was pale like a ghost, his eyes full of unshed tears.

Birkoff didn't manage to reply when the heard a beep beep. Birkoff knew what that was going to be, he accepted the video and showed it to everyone. They show in horror a man suddenly screaming in pain and then bleeding from every inch of his body. The watched as the man got covered from his own blood and then died. Birkoff couldn't take if anymore. He didn't want that to happen to Michael.

" What is that?" Sean asked in shock and horror.

Birkoff looked at Michael.

" This is how you are going to die when the time runs out if Alex doesn't manage to save you." Birkoff whispered staring at Michael.

Nikita gasped in shock and felt tears in her eyes.

" What?" Ryan yelled confused.

" His new hand is infected with the virus. The cure is Alex's blood. The problem is that Amanda's timetable doesn't give Alex much chances to be here on time and if she does, we will have to bleed her out by taking 51 % of her blood and put it in his system" Birkoff explained with shaking voice.

" This isn't happening!" Nikita yelled devastated. She couldn't lose him, not now, not ever. She just couldn't lose him and it was killing her that she couldn't do anything to save him, his life was on Alex's hands.

" Michael, let's get you to medical and prepare you for the transfusion." Sean stepped up not wanting that to end in a heated fight. He needed to be calm and give the others some hope.

Michael nodded trying to hold himself together and kissed Nikita gently. He didn't want to say goodbye. He didn't want her to lose hope. He didn't want to say his last ' i love you'. He wanted to be strong for Nikita. He sighed defeated and followed Sean.

" Michael.." Nikita shouted and let her tears to fall.

Michael turned to look at her.

" Have faith in Alex." Michael said gently and exited the room.

Michael and Sean walked in silence for awhile. Michael suddenly stopped Sean.

" If something happens, promise me that you are going to take care of her" Michael pleaded Sean.

" Michael, Alex will save you and I will always take care of Nikita." Sean said and opened the door to the medical.

" But you are going to be fine." Sean reassured him and Michael gave him a small smile.

Sean was worried to hell. But he had to stay strong, they needed them now. He needed to hold himself together for them.

* * *

The clock was counting down. Nikita was pacing up and down the ops with wet face and worried to death. She glared one more time at the clock 00h 18mins 8secs. She felt like her heart was being ripped out from her body every second that it passed. Suddenly, Birkoff's phone started ringing again and she run to pick it up. But Birkoff stopped her and took the phone.

" Yes, Alex?" Birkoff asked.

" I want the entrance from the farm to be secured, I will jump in the free space in front of Division and run to you. I need to know that everything is ready over there" Alex said with a bossy voice.

" Everything ready." Birkoff replied firmly.

" Open the door and fly lower" Alex ordered and her team followed her instructions.

As soon as Division got in their sight, bullets started flying towards them.

" Alex what is going on?" Birkoff yelled hearing the gunshots through his cell phone.

" Up. Up! " Alex yelled to the pilot to take more hight.

" Why are you shooting on us?" Alex asked confused Birkoff.

" What? I am not shooting at you!" Birkoff yelled confused and went back to his desk and started typing.

" Amanda" Birkoff whispered in shock.

" What do you mean Amanda?" Nikita yelled in shock.

" Alex, Amanda is controlling the automatic machine guns. I can't regain control" Birkoff yelled worried. He was doing his best to help Alex but he couldn't pass Amanda's programming.

" I will jump inside the forest and then come to you." Alex informed Birkoff.

" Amanda will keep shooting at you as soon as you get in her sight!" Birkoff yelled in shock. What Alex was planning to do was suicide.

" Then wish me good luck" Alex said and jumped out of the jet.

She could see the ground coming towards her and she opened her parachute but she knew that her landing won't be a nice one. And she was right, in order to land on the ground, she passed through the trees. The branches scratched her body and her face causing her some deep cuts and she started bleeding from several spots including her wounded arm. But her problems didn't end there. Her parachute was caught on a tree and she was hanging up several meters above the ground. She looked at the ground and then at her clock. She had less than 10 minutes out. She had to do it, no matter what, she had to try. She sighed loudly and she took out her knife. Carefully she cut off the ropes and fell on the ground. She screamed in pain as she landed on her ankle and she sprained it. But she couldn't stop now. She stood up and she started running, as soon as she got out of the forest, bullets started flying towards her. She ran like hell, making manoeuvres trying to avoid the bullets and she jumped inside the farma relieved that she didn't die. She wanted to stop and catch her breathe but she couldn't. Her whole body was arching, her ankle was killing her but she couldn't stop. Not now. She had only 3 minutes left. She ran inside the elevator and got inside Division as soon as the doors opened she ran and she heard a guard yelling " 2 minutes", she threw her jacket and flied to medical, she passed Nikita and she entered Michael's room. She saw the clock '30 secs' and she let the doctor start the procedure.

" You made it" Michael said and smiled.

" Of course and I did." Alex replied softly and saw as her blood was running through a pile to Michael's body.

She sighed in relief and let the tears that she was holding all that time to fall.

" Nice try, Amanda" Alex whispered.

" It was a close call" Michael admitted.

" We aren't letting you go anywhere anytime soon" Alex smiled to Michael and kissed his forehead softly.

" Thanks" Michael said honestly and stared at Alex's blue eyes.

Alex didn't reply. She didn't know what to say, she just nodded in relief that she had managed to come on time.

" Alex, we need to take care of your wounds or you will bleed out to death if you keep bleeding and donating your blood to Michael" a doctor said firmly and Alex nodded letting the doctor take care of her cuts and wounds.

" What exactly is wrong with your arm? I can't close the wound!" The doctor asked confused and annoyed.

" Don't bother working on my arm, Amanda had taken care of it. Just put the bandage on" Alex said defeated and the doctor obeyed. He had heard the name Amanda and he knew that he couldn't do anything if Amanda had done her tricks on it.

" Your ankle needs rest. It isn't broken but it is badly sprained." the doctor said.

" Ok." Alex said sadly. She didn't want to be bent down right now. She needed to finish her mission.

" Are they ok?" Nikita spoke for first time since Alex came in Michael's room.

" Michael is fine. Alex will be fine when we put some blood in her system but we need to finish with Michael first" the doctor said.

" Do you need anything?" Nikita asked and looked at Alex. She didn't know what to say.

" Just be kind with Tom and Meredith, they will come in few hours and kick Amanda out of Division's system. I don't want her to kill my team" Alex said softly and she started feeling dizzy as she was losing more and more blood every second. She placed her hands on Michael's bed trying to hold herself in a standing position.

Nikita was just staring at her. She knew that she needed to stay away until the procedure was over. She couldn't think anything. Her mind was numb. She couldn't think straight. She was mad at Alex for leaving her and acting so coldly around her, she was frustated that she almost lost Michael just because Alex was away, she was grateful to Alex for saving his life by endangering hers, she loved Alex and she was worried aboout her. Her feelings were so confused. She was brought out of her thoughts when she heard doctor's voice.

" We are done here" the doctor said and smiled to Alex.

" See you later, Michael" Alex said and passed out falling on the floor with a thumb.

" Start the transfusion to her. She had lost a lot of blood" the doctor ordered a nurse and they moved Alex on a bed.

For now everyone was fine, safe and sound. Amanda didn't win, but the things aren't always as it seems. Little scratchs on the surface will start opening and gaps will be created. For now Michael was safe but Alex will have to leave again and none was ready to let her go one more time, none was ready to face what is coming next because of their will to keep Alex near to them, none was ready for the unimaginable heartbreaking fights that they will have to go through . But for now, Alex was shallowed by the darkness and everything was calm.


	21. Chapter 21

For now everyone was fine, safe and sound. Amanda didn't win, but the things aren't always as it seems. Little scratchs on the surface will start opening and gaps will be created. For now Michael was safe but Alex will have to leave again and none was ready to let her go one more time, none was ready to face what is coming next because of their will to keep Alex near to them, none was ready for the unimaginable heartbreaking fights that they will have to go through . But for now, Alex was shallowed by the darkness and everything was calm.

* * *

Sean slowly entered Alex's room. He saw her lying on the bed unconscious with white bandages on her arms and legs, he saw the bruises on her body and some scars that he hadn't seen before, some new scars that had been created while Alex was away from Division. He hated the fact that Alex was hurt when he wasn't there for her. He wanted Alex to let him in, to talk to him and tell him why she was so afraid. He wanted to take care for her, hold her and tell her that he loved her. Slowly, he sat next to her on the bed and hold her hand. He was lost in his thoughts thinking about every possible way to persuade Alex to let him be by her side when he heard footsteps approaching. He turned around and he saw Nikita standing on the door.

" How is she?" Nikita asked worried.

" Still out." Sean replied calmly.

" How are you?" Nikita turned the subject to his well being seing the sadness in his eyes.

" I want her back" Sean whispered honestly.

Nikita opened her mouth to say something but she stopped when Alex woke up screaming '' NOOOOOOO'' and jumped out of the bed scaring the hell out of her.

" Alex?" Sean asked worried.

Alex looked at Sean and smiled. Not wanting to talk about what had caused her to jump out of the bed screaming, she controlled her breathe, she walked towards him and placed a soft kiss on his lips. Sean let himself enjoy the feeling for some seconds and then he pulled himself back.

" Don't try to distract me. Are you ok?" Sean asked worried. He wasn't used of Alex trying to distract him like that, she usually preferred to fight over not talking than use their love to distract him.

" I am absolutely fine" Alex replied and looked at him.

" What did you see in your nightmare this time?" Nikita asked from behind the lovely couple.

Alex glared at her angrily and sighed annoyed. It wasn't her damn business to inflirtate in her life like that. She had made it crystal clear that she didn't want to talk about her nightmares the previous time.

" Hello to you, too, Nikita" Alex said coldly ignoring Nikita's question.

" How is Michael?" Alex added softer not wanting to give a continue to her upcoming fight with Nikita.

" He is fine." Nikita replied coldly. She was still mad at Alex, inside her she blamed Alex for almost losing Michael.

Alex smiled in relief and decided to sit on the bed as her ankle started paining again.

" What caused this reaction?" Sean didn't let the subject down. He wanted to know why Alex was so scared.

Alex's face darkened and looked away.

" Just a nightmare" Alex said defeated.

" What did you see Alex?" Nikita asked softly and sat on the other side of the bed.

" Guys, please." Alex pleaded. For god shakes, she had just woken up, she didn't want to be interrogated about her nightmare, she just wanted to calm down, she was still too tensed up from her previous day trying to save Michael by flying from one end of the world to the other and she just wanted to relax.

" Goodmorning my savior" Michael greeted Alex entering her room.

" How are you?" Alex asked worried. She didn't want Michael to be caught in the line of fire. Amanda was after her and Nikita. Michael and the others were just means to hurt them.

" Pretty good actually." Michael said honestly.

" Better than you for sure" Michael added softly seeing Alex's status.

" Hey!" Alex said annoyed.

" Don't take it in an wrong way but you have bruises, cuts, sprained ankle and a wound that we can't close" Michael commented and pointed at each and every covered part of Alex's body.

" Just some gifts from Amanda.." Alex said casual like it was nothing important.

" Now that you said Amanda, what did you mean that we might have a mole?" Nikita asked confused.

" I told you before that Amanda knows things that she shouldn't. Someone keeps an eye on all of you and your relationships with each other" Alex explained calmly.

" Your conversation in the cemetery?" Michael asked trying to figure out how Alex knew about a potentional mole.

" How...? Of course, she let her face to be caught on camera." Alex said understanding how they know about that.

" She is good, really good" Alex commented amused thinking of how Amanda played her game. It would be a difficult war but she wasn't going to give up and let the others suffer.

" I think that we should go and work out the mole's issue, Nikita." Michael said sensing the tense between Alex and Nikita and wanting to thank Alex by giving her some space and some time with Sean.

Nikita looked up at him unwillingly and nodded. It wasn't the right time to talk with Alex. She didn't know how to control herself and not fight with Alex.

" Thanks for coming for me" Michael said softly and kissed Alex's forehead.

" I will always come for you" Alex replied and watched as Michael and Nikita exited the room.

Alex sighed defeated and looked at Sean.

" Are you going to tell me what did you see in this nightmare?" Sean asked not dropping the issue.

" Maybe when everything is over" Alex replied honestly. She didn't want to talk about her nightmares.

" Alex.." Sean started.

" Sean, please. Just climb in the bed with me and don't say anything more" Alex cut him off. She didn't want to talk, she only wanted to hold him in her arms, to feel his warmth, to touch him, to smell him, to hear his heart beat.

Sean smiled and obeyed instantly. He didn't want to press Alex more. He didn't want to fight with her. He just wanted to hold her and tell her that he loved her. He climbed in the bed wih her taking her head on his chest and putting his hand around her waist and he smiled as Alex slowly fell asleep. For the first time after weeks, it was a sleep without nightmares. She had forgotten the feeling of being in peace. In his arms, she felt safe again, in his arms Amanda's brain surgery didn't cause her any pain, in his hands she was just an ordinary person, not a sex slave, not a russian heiress, not a murdered, she was just Alex, his Alex and that feeling was unvaluable.

After two hours, Alex slowly opened her eyes, she saw Sean lying next to her and smiled. Sean sensed Alex staring at him and slowly he moved closer to her and catch her lips in a passionate kiss.

" I love you, Alex" Sean said in a sleepy voice.

" I love you, too, Sean, more than you can imagine" Alex replied softly and sighed defeated. She hated herself for hurting him and it pained that she would have to leave again, but she had to. She needed to face her past so that she could move foward, so that she could be with him and not wondering what would happen if Amanda tried to use her past again. She needed to leave again to keep him safe.

" Don't leave again. Stay with me on bed for a whole eternity" Sean pleaded seriously.

" I can't. I want to but I can't do that, Sean. It will be selfish to surrender to my wants and needs and not think about the consequenses. I need to leave. I have to. Please." Alex begged him with teary eyes. She wanted him to understand that he was everything that she wanted in her life but leaving was something that she had to do. She wanted his support, his reassurance that everything will be fine.

" At least take the ring with you, if you can't take me. Take the ring so that you can feel my love" Sean replied defeated.

" I don't need a ring to feel your love, Sean. I can feel it even if I am miles away because my heart talks to yours even if we don't speak to each other. I don't need to carry symbols of your love because I carry your love. And I can't take the ring with me because it will be dangerous for both of us and I want you to be safe." Alex said and stared at his eyes.

" Don't leave again, Alex. Let me come with you." Sean requested.

" Sean, I need you to stay here, safe and sound. I will leave again but I won't leave you. I will never leave you. My heart will never leave you. My heart will stay behind with you, my heart will keep beating for you, my heart will force me to survive to come back to you. Please, Sean, I want you to understand, it is something that I need to do alone. Please don't fight with me over that anymore, please Sean" Alex said and let some tears to fall.

" If this is what you really want then I will be by your side but Alexandra Udinov you must know that my heart will be with you" Sean said firmly and hugged Alex more tightly.

Alex smiled and relaxed once more in Sean's hug.

" You will come back, right?" Sean asked worried after a while.

" I will do my best to come back to you, Sean." Alex replied softly. She didn't want to make false promises. She couldn't promise him that she would survive because she didn't know if she could survive but she could promise him that she would anything to come back to his arms.

" I love you, Alex" Sean said firmly and Alex kissed him softly and her heart arched knowing that she would have to live again.

Some minutes passed and Nikita entered the room once again.

" Yes, Nikita?" Alex asked without opening her eyes knowing too well Nikita's footsteps. Nikita smiled in pride that Alex was so good and smiled.

" I can't hold back Tom and Meredith anymore. You don't mind, right?" Nikita said softly and laughed when Alex stood up slowly with a confused look and then smiled when Tom and Meredith came running in the room and hugged her almost knocking off the bed.

" I might start feeling threatened" Sean commented softly seeing Alex smiling in Tom and Meredith's hug. He didn't manage to finish his sentence when Alex pulled him in the group hug and kissed him.

" Smartass" Alex commented pushing Sean away.

Tom and Meredith laughed.

" We have missed this smile" Meredith mentioned seeing Alex's face full of happiness.

Nikita watched the interaction with tears in her eyes. She couldn't believe how grown up Alex was now, she had her own team, she had her own people caring about her. She was feeling like she was losing Alex. Alex was happy around them while lately around Nikita she was cold and distant.

" Promise to let you see it more often" Alex promised to Meredith. Her smile fainted when she saw Nikita's sad feature. She stood up and walked towards her. She touched her face forcing her to look at her.

" What's wrong?" Alex whispered worried.

" Nothing" Nikita lied and tried to give Alex a small smile that ended in a sad face.

" Nikita?" Alex asked confused when tears started filling Nikita's eyes.

Nikita touched Alex's face and smiled sadly. She didn't know what to say. She didn't know what to think or how to feel. She was mad, she was confused, she was scared, she was afraid, she was worried, she was hurt, she was lost. She blamed Alex for leaving and almost losing Michael and she was angry with her for acting like a bitch and not giving her any explanations but she also loved her and she wanted to fix whatever was broken.

" I am just tired" Nikita lied and left the room.

Alex stared at Nikita understanding that something was really odd with her reaction and she turned to the others.

" What was that?" Alex asked with pain obvious in her voice.

" She will be fine" Tom tried to reassured her.

" She will be fine?" Alex repeated confused.

" Alex, she almost lost Michael and she thinks that she is losing you. She needs time" Sean tried to explain Nikita's behaviour.

Alex sighed defeated. She wanted to go after Nikita but her ankle started paining again and she knew better than to run after her while she is injured. Nikita needed time to work some things with herself and when she feels ready, she would come to Alex and talk.

Sean sensed Alex's sadness and moved closer hugging from behind.

" We are going to see how the famous Division works" Tom said and left the room.

" I love you, Sean" Alex said when they were left alone.

" I love you, too, Alex, always and forever" Sean replied and tightened his hug around Alex.


	22. Chapter 22

One day later...

Alex was released from medical but as her ankle hasn't healed yet, she had promised to Sean to stay at Division a couple more days.

Tom and Alex were talking at the hall.

" I got what you wanted from outside from Division, but Alex are you sure?" Tom asked worried.

" Yes. I have done it before. When the pressure is too high and I am not sure if I can do it, I carry drugs with me. If I can hold myself together and not relapse then I can do everyhing" Alex whispered seriously.

" It is dangerous, Alex. What if Nikita learn about that or worse what if you relapse?" Tom pressed more Alex to reconsider her decision.

" Nikita won't learn about it and I won't relapse. But even if I relapse, I trust you enough to know that you will kick my ass and make sure that I won't get addicted again." Alex said and stared at Tom.

Tom sighed defeated and slowly, like an expert, placed a bottle of pills in Alex's pocket.

" It is Vicodin. Painkiller and highly addictive" Tom informed Alex.

" Thanks for trusting me" Alex replied and smiled at Tom. Carrying drugs with her when she was under pressure had started to become a habit. She started doing so when she was first recruited at Division, if she could fight her addiction then she could fight Amanda's mind game and be Nikita's mole. It was a way to remind herself that she was strong and she could do it. Amanda had found out and she had confronted her even if she hadn't had any, the idea had shaken Amanda.

" Now, tell me how are the others." Alex ordered calmly.

" They had flied to Berlin. They found a safehouse and settled there waiting for us." Tom said and took out a tablet.

He typed something and a satellite image of the area of their new safehouse was shown up.

" Nice. I want two snipers in the opposite roof 24/7. With Amanda after us the rules of the game have changed, I don't want them to be left exposed" Alex ordered and Tom nodded in undersanding.

" The package was delivered. Amanda would probably get it in her hands sometime today. But we can't track it anymore, signal jamming." Tom said.

" It is ok. I don't want to track it. I will play her game this time." Alex replied seriously.

Tom stared at Alex worrying. Amanda's game was always extremely dangerous and he was worried that Alex had decided to play by her rules. Amanda was cruel, merciless, determined to cause as much pain as possible. How was Alex supposed to face Amanda in her own game of emotional torture? And what the mysterious package was?

Alex read Tom's gaze and smiled.

" I will be fine" Alex reassured him and hit his shoulder softly.

Tom didn't have the time to argue because he heard someone approaching. He lifted his head and saw Nikita standing a few meters away.

" I will give you some space to talk" Tom said seriously looking at Nikita.

" Anything else?" Tom added and turned his attention to Alex.

" No. I want snipers on the roof and raise the patrolling. I don't want any surprises while I am away." Alex ordered firmly.

Nikita didn't have the chance to see Alex being the boss before and she was caught of guards. Alex was sure and determined. She was a leader, her team respected her and she respected them. She was obviously good at being the boss.

" Of course" Tom said and started walking away.

" Tom" Alex stopped him.

" Yes?" Tom asked hesitantly and turned to face her. He didn't want to be near Nikita after handing drugs to Alex, he was afraid of her reaction if she knew about it. He would be dead in one second.

" Tell them to be safe." Alex replied softly and Tom smiled in response and quickly walked away from the girls.

" Nikita" Alex said after some seconds of silence.

" Did you take your time?" Nikita asked calmly. She didn't want to start a fight with Alex.

" Eh?" Alex asked confused.

" You told me that you will take your time and then we will talk. Did you take your time?" Nikita asked again a little harsher than she intented.

" We will talk before I come back to Division willingly" Alex replied softly. She didn't want to offend Nikita or make their relationship worse than it was after Ossetia.

" What have I done?" Nikita asked with pain in her voice. She was tired of fighting with Alex, she was tired of feeling that she was losing her, she was hurt that Alex acted so coldly and distant around her. She knew that she had made mistakes after taking control of Division and that she wasn't there for Alex when she needed her. But something was really odd lately and she couldn't understand why.

Alex's heart pained hearing Nikita's broken tone. She walked towards her and cupped her face.

" We will talk Nikita. When the time comes, we will talk. I know that I am being a bitch to you and I am sorry but my behavior has nothing to do with what you did or didn't." Alex replied softly.

" Then why Alex? If I am not responsible for your bitchy behavior then why I am the one who face it?" Nikita asked angrily.

Alex sighed defeated and let her hand to drop. This conversation wasn't a good idea. Nikita was getting angrier with every answer that Alex gave to her and Alex was getting more and more upset as Nikita was pushing her emotional buttons. After Amanda's brain surgery her emotions weren't completely under her control, she could get upset and hurt really easily and that was usually ended up to a fight.

" You aren't responsible for this." Alex said simply not responding at all to Nikita's question. Yeah, Alex had problems with Nikita and issues that needed to be solved but that wasn't the reason behind her bitchy behavior. She was scared that Amanda or Julian or anyone else will use Nikita against her and she didn't want to put her in danger. If she acted like a bitch, then maybe Nikita would stay away from her and they would be persuaded that she didn't care. It was her only shot to keep Nikita out of big trouble but she couldn't just say that to Nikita because it will cause the opposite result, Nikita will get super-worried and she will put herself in danger running after Alex.

" Why you can't give me a clear answer, damn?" Nikita shouted angrily.

" I can't. I am sorry. I don't want to talk about it." Alex replied trying to remain calm.

Nikita looked at her angrily. She wanted answers but she knew very well that gaze in Alex's eyes, it was the one that Alex had when she had made up her mind and nothing could change it.

" Are you going to leave again?" Nikita asked coldly accepting that the previous subject will end up in a dead-end.

" Yes" Alex replied simply. She didn't want to give more explanations. She didn't want to fight over that but obviously Nikita wasn't ready to give up so easily.

" Don't." Nikita said firmly.

" Nikita.." Alex said warning her not to continue this conversation because they will fight again.

" Michael almost died because you were away" Nikita said harsh.

" Are you accussing me for something Nikita?" Alex asked curiously with a cold tone.

" I don't know. If you were here, nothing would have happened." Nikita said coldly and stared at Alex.

Alex's face darkened and she felt like she was being stabbed hearing Nikita accusing her for Michael.

" Amanda would have found another way to use Michael's well-being. It wasn't my fault" Alex retorted angrily.

" But you weren't here Alex. He almost died because you weren't here" Nikita shouted frustated. She didn't want to hurt Alex or accuse her from something, she was just mad and worried and the words left her mouth before she could think.

" Nikita, I came back from the other end of the world, I jumped into a forest, I ran through flying bullets. You can't be serious. I didn't everything in my power to save Michael. Don't take it out on me. Not regarding this topic." Alex said angrily trying to control her nerves.

" And you were just on time! He could have died!" Nikita yelled annoyed with Alex's lack of understanding.

" If you are accusing me for something Nikita then do it directly. Don't jump around the subject. What are you accusing me for exactly?" Alex said coldly and felt her anger rising inside her ready to explode.

" You put Michael in danger." Nikita yelled not managing to control her words or her anger for almost losing Michael and now losing Alex.

Alex took two steps back stunned by Nikita's answer. She couldn't really believe that, could she?

" If you want to accuse someone for almost losing Michael, accuse your fucking relationship. I wasn't the one who couldn't handle losing a hand and almost destroyed my relationship because of that. I wasn't the one who made a deal with unknown scientists because my fiance thought that his hand was more important from everything else." Alex whispered with anger trying not to shout or punch Nikita.

" You haven't lost a part of your body, so don't accuse Michael" Nikita shouted annoyed.

Alex walked towards her slowly and stared at her eyes, her body inches away from Nikita's.

" You are right, I have never lost a part of my body. I have just gotten my soul ripped away from me every single day for years." Alex said coldly.

Nikita looked back at her with tears in her eyes. She had gone too far. She had let her anger take control and she had said things that she shouldn't and she didn't believe.

" Do you have anything else to accuse me for?" Alex asked more calmly than before.

Nikita opened her mouth to apology but she was stopped when Michael came running towards them.

" Everything fine?" Michael asked sensing the tense between the girls.

" Perfect" Alex replied and smiled at him.

Michael glared at her and then at Nikita. He could see that something was wrong but he didn't have time to press the girls now.

" We have an upcoming call from Amanda" Michael said and kept his gaze on Nikita examining her figure and trying to understand what had just happened.

" Of course and we have" Alex said defeated. Of course Amanda would like to taunt her a little. She sent her here for a reason, for a lesson, she would like to know if her student took the message.

" Let's talk" Nikita said and gestured to Alex to come with them in ops.

" Go and I will be there in 30 secs. She can wait that much" Alex said and Nikita and Michael left not asking any question. They knew that Amanda would probably want to talk with Alex and Alex might need some time to compose herself.

Alex turned around and took out the bottle with the drugs. She opened it and glared at its context. Then she smiled and closed it.

_" _I am stronger than that. I can handle Nikita's anger and Amanda's mind games and anything else that is going to happen" Alex said and walked towards the ops.

She paused awhile before entering.

" Let's play cards, teacher" Alex said sarcastically and entered the room. She knew that Amanda was a great opponent and she would probably have a lot of things to use against her but today, Alex had a special lesson for Amanda, she just hoped that Amanda would get her package on time for the great finale. It was time for Alex to step up and make it clear to Amanda that she wasn't an easy target.

She joined the others in ops making it sure that she had kept some distance from everyone. She needed to maintain her cover that she didn't care from anyone. She gave one last look at Nikita quietly apologizing for what she was about to do later.

" Let's chat" Alex said firmly and Amanda's face popped up on the screen.


	23. Chapter 23

" Let's chat" Alex said firmly and Amanda's face popped up on the screen.

* * *

" Hello Division" Amanda said and smirked to her audience.

" What do you want Amanda?" Nikita asked coldly. She was still upset from her previous fight with Alex and she wanted to apology to Alex for blaming her for Michael's status, she wasn't responsible and she knew it, but as always Amanda had a horrible timing and she cut the girls in the middle.

" Birkoff, don't waste your time trying to locate me. You won't be able." Amanda said noticing Birkoff typing in an amazing speed on his keyboard.

" I don't think that we need Birkoff to locate you. You have left a lot of leads behind you. How is Spain?" Alex replied to Amanda's comment.

Everyone looked at Alex. Nikita's jaw dropped in surprise that Alex knew where Amanda is and she didn't say anything. Nikita shook her head and glared at Amanda and she saw Amanda's eyes widely opened in shock.

" If you know where I am, then why your team isn't there storming around?" Amanda asked trying to wipe her disbelief from her voice.

" I wasn't after you Amanda. You came after me. And my team isn't there because I am not crazy enough to send my team after you." Alex replied calmly.

" You didn't really expect me to let you just walk away after everything, right?" Amanda chocked in total disbelief.

" Amanda, you know that you gave me the chance to run away in Russia, right? And just to answer your question, no, i didn't expect you to let everything down and not come after me but I must admit that I am a little disappointed, messing up with two different teams at the same time doesn't seem a smart choice." Alex said seriously and enjoyed seeing the disbelief in Amanda's eyes.

" The result of our war will make it clear who made the smart choices and who not" Amanda retorted coldly returning into her normal, cruel and cold self.

" Of course" Alex agreed.

" Why Nikita isn't here in Spain after me?" Amanda changed the subject.

" And send her directly into your opened arms? I don't think so." Alex replied coldly.

" I though that you didn't care" Amanda retorted sarcastically.

" It isn't everything black and white." Alex said simply and Amanda nodded accepting her response.

" What do you want Amanda?" Nikita asked harsh.

" Manners, Nikita. I just want to chat. You can't kick me out of the system for awhile so don't get too upset because I haven't started yet." Amanda instructed Nikita, who looked at her in disgust.

" Michael good to see you safe and sound!" Amanda said sarcastically when Nikita didn't respond.

" I bet you do" Michael replied with hate in his voice. This woman had almost killed him and now she was talking to them like nothing happened.

Amanda sighed amused with their cold reaction.

" Did you get your lesson, Alex?" Amanda asked curiously. She loved playing games with Alex. Since the very begining of their relationship, Amanda enjoyed having Alex as her opponent. She didn't get bored because Alex was good. She had defied her torture, her mind games, even her brain surgery.

" Oh, yes. 16 hours can pass really quickly and I am extremely lucky running through your fucking bullets without getting myself killed. " Alex replied sarcastically and angrily and smiled at Amanda. She wasn't going to let Amanda win so easily. She almost killed Michael. Alex was ready to play Amanda's game but Amanda might not be ready to play her own game with Alex as the enemy.

" I gave you a lot of clues to understand the lesson. You are clever. I know that you have gotten the message." Amanda said annoyed that Alex didn't play along with her.

" I might have gotten distracted by the picture of your fleshmath or of the image of my younger self talking to you, sorry." Alex retorted and smiled.

" I know why you wanted me here. And let me guess the title of your lesson 'the people that we care about can cause us pain, so stop caring' , right?" Alex requested softly.

" Something like that" Amanda replied satisfied that Alex had gotten her message.

" Amanda, the only thing that causes me pain is my sprained ankle. Do you have any advices for that, too?" Alex said sarcastically and Amanda's grin fainted from her face understanding that Alex was too stubborn to give up easily.

" You came back because you care about them, you left your mission behind and ran back to Division hurting yourself in the process because you care. Stop caring, it holds you back." Amanda explained calmly. She needed to be patient with Alex, she couldn't let Alex upset her.

" Let's see if you can follow your own advice" Alex challenged Amanda, who looked at her curiously.

" You don't mind to play a game with me, do you?" Alex requested softly.

" Bring it on" Amanda replied firmly but she didn't expect what was coming.

" I just want you to tell me what to do" Alex explained the rules.

Amanda looked at her and nodded.

" Let's see if you have stopped caring, too" Alex whispered and took a deep breathe.

Everyone was staring at Alex. What was she playing?

Alex slowly put her hand in her pocket and took a deep breathe. She looked at Amanda and smiled. She took out the bottle with the pills and show it to her.

" Vicodin." Alex said simply.

Nikita gasped in shock and ran towards Alex grabbing her hand.

" You are using again?" Nikita shouted angrily in shock.

Alex looked at her and then at Amanda.

" Let go off of my hand, Nikita, now" Alex ordered seriously and Nikita shook her head in denial refusing to let Alex take any drugs.

Alex looked at Sean giving him a gaze full of meanings. Sean smiled understanding that Alex wasn't going to use drugs not in front of Nikita not because of Amanda not ever. He moved towards the girls and pulled Nikita away from Alex despite Nikita's struggles.

" You knew that she is using again?" Nikita yelled at Sean not understanding what was going on.

" Alex, please." Nikita cried begging Alex not to take drugs. Seeing Alex holding a bottle of pills ready to drug herself if Amanda tells her so was killing her. She had helped Alex get cleaned, she had fought with her her addiction and she had failed her, pushing towards her relapse after Mia. She hadn't yet forgiven herself for not being there for Alex and it was heartbreaking to see Alex on the edge holding drugs one more time.

" I am sorry for the interruption, Amanda. So how many do you want me to take? One, two? More? You want me to overdose myself? Give me a number and I will comply" Alex ordered and twisted the cap opening the bottle.

" What are you doing?" Amanda asked confused. She didn't understand Alex's game. She didn't want Alex to take drugs. She never wanted that. When she was a recruit, she had confronted Alex and tried to give her other exits instead of drugs. She didn't want Alex to relapse. She could use the drugs to torture Alex but she never wanted her to become addicted again.

" I will take your answer as you don't want me to get addicted again. Of course not because you care but hmmm maybe because I won't suffer enough if I am high or something like that" Alex said casually and hide the bottle again.

" What are you doing?" Amanda asked again harsh. This game wasn't going as she wanted. If she couldn't order Alex to hurt herself then Alex would win. But she couldn't do it. It was another thing to torture someone and another to stand by and watch her self-destruct.

" Patience. You will see." Alex replied and took out her gun. She checked the bullets and smiled.

" Forget about me, I have to suffer. I won't even try to bring Nikita into this game, I guess that she has to suffer, too. What about Michael?" Alex added and pointed her gun at Michael.

Nikita started struggling in Sean's hug trying to get free and take the gun from Alex's hand while everyone else was staring at her trying to understand her game. They knew that Alex wasn't going to kill them or hurt them but they were curious.

" Alex have you gone crazy? Put that gun down or I will kick your fucking ass!" Nikita yelled her lungs out.

" Give me the order, Amanda and I will end his life." Alex said firmly.

Amanda didn't say anything. She just stared at Alex trying to figure out the game.

" I thought so" Alex replied to Amanda's silence and hide her gun.

" You don't want me to kill Michael. Not because you care and you don't want to hurt Nikita, of course not. You want to use him in another way to hurt Nikita, right?" Alex added and looked at Amanda.

" What game are you playing?" Amanda asked curiously.

" I am playing your game. I am proving you that you care." Alex replied.

" So, TEACHER, let me give you one advice. Before you try to manipulate my feelings again, before you try to teach me a lesson, teach yourself. Do yourself a favor and don't tell me again that the trick is not to care when you still care because sooner or later you will lose my respect. Don't give me advices that even you don't follow" Alex said coldly.

" I don't care, Alex. You are just not allowed to die yet. You have to suffer first, you have to regret for your choices, you have to kneel in front of me, you have to lose everything, you have to beg me, Alex. Only then you will have my permission to die. Only then I will show you mercy and I will give you the gift of the death." Amanda replied with hate in her voice.

" Or you will never give me your permission to die. The only reason that you think that love is liability is because you can't overpower it. " Alex commented coldly.

" Love is weakness." Amanda retorted firmly.

" I can understand why you feel this way. In your eyes we betray you and we hurt you and you hate us for this but you can't bring yourself to kill us. For god shakes, you revive me, Amanda. You killed me and then brought me back to life." Alex said firmly.

" And I know how it feels to have so much pain and anger and hate against someone that you love. I know how it feels to struggle to bring yourself to take revenge on this person. I know how it feels to live this internal battle between love and hate, revenge and forgiveness. I know it because I have been there. And it is normal, Amanda, to feel this way. But love isn't a weakness. Something that can overpower your darkest feelings, your hate and your need to take revenge isn't weakness. It is strength." Alex added.

" You are a dreamer, Alex. Anything that keeps you away from your goal is weakness." Amanda commented softly. Alex's words had shaken her because that was exacty how she felt, she was trying to bring herself to hate and kill Alex and Nikia, but she couldn't because she cared...maybe loved them, too.

" I think that you know that I am right" Alex replied.

" Look who speaks? You talk about feelings when you can't identify your own ones. If you have the balls, Alex, then give me an answer to my question, don't avoid answering me. You didn't reply in Russia. Answer me now. Why?" Amanda said coldly as ice. She needed to show to Alex that she had the upper hand, that she was right and Alex was wrong, that she knew her feelings while Alex didn't. If Alex denied to reply again to her question 'why you don't hate her? why are you still with her?' then Amanda would win this round, and if Alex replied then Nikita would probably get hurt by the memory of the period that Alex turned her back on her. She would win anyway.

" Why I don't hate Nikita? Why are you so obsessed with this question?" Alex asked softly.

" I am just curious and your unwillingliness to reply in Russia made me more curious. Are you going to answer now or you are afraid to face your feelings?" Amanda replied harsh.

" Of course. Short answer; I can't hate her" Alex said seriously.

" Long answer?" Amanda requested calmly.

" I wasted a lot of time trying to bring myself to hate her but I realised that when I hurt her, I hurt myself. The past isn't worthy, revenge isn't worthy. I can't hate her because I love her. Satisfied enough or you need more explanation?" Alex replied coldly. She didn't like to speak about her feelings towards Nikita before Amanda but she knew that it was the only way to shake Amanda a little and maybe implant the doubt about the value of hate.

" Your father, your childhood, your soul and your heart aren't worthy of your hate against her? She destroyed your life and you just can't hate her?" Amanda asked in disbelief.

" And if I hate her what is it going to change? I can't turn the time back and I don't want to. What is done is done. I am not going to let my whole life being haunted by the ghosts of my past. I have learnt to live for the present." Alex replied softly. She didn't want to make the conversation more heated than it was.

Amanda looked at Nikita and smiled. She kept her gaze fixed on her and Nikita felt the fear inside her rising, she knew that gaze well and it never ended up nicely.

" So if you could kill Nikita and bring back your father right now, you wouldn't take the shot?" Amanda asked and didn't take her eyes away from Nikita, whose eyes filled with unshed tears.

" Excuse me?" Alex asked confused.

" If I can bring your father back in return of Nikita's life, what will you choose? In fact, let me make it more clear for you, I will bring your father back if you kill Nikita right now, you know that I have the skills and the contacts to do so, I gave Michael his hand back." Amanda said calmly and smirked to Nikita, who she couldn't hold her feelings back anymore and let her tears to fall. She was sure that Alex would take the shot and she wouldn't try anything to stop her. She had destroyed Alex's life and if Alex wanted to have her father back, she would accept her choice.

Alex laughed.

" I will show what I will do." Alex said and took out her gun. She pointed at Nikita, who had started crying silently.

" Do it, Alex" Nikita requested and gave Alex a small nod that she was with her no matter her choice.

Alex smiled at her and then suddenly she threw her gun on the floor before Nikita.

" Got your answer?" Alex asked and stared at the broken figure of Nikita, who looked at her in shock.

" You choose Nikita?" Amanda gasped in shock.

" Yap. I love my father and I miss him but I will never sacrifice someone's life to bring him back. I will never sacrifice the now for the past. If you want me to kill Nikita, you should be more creative, give me something worth hating." Alex said with hate towards Amanda.

" And because I know your next question; if my father was alive and Nikita was going to kill him then if I hadn't a clean shot to her hand-not her head- I would have just jumped in front of the bullet. I wouldn't have killed her." Alex added firmly.

" So.." Amanda started but she was cut off when the door behind her opened.

" I told you that I don't want to be interrupted" Amanda said angrily to her man.

" I know madam but I think that you would want to be interrupted" her man replied.

" And why is that?" Amanda shouted annoyed.

" Because we got in our hands a package for your eyes only from Alex" the man replied. He walked towards Amanda, handed her the package and ran out of the room before Amanda snapped out of her shock state and shot him.


	24. Chapter 24

" Because we got in our hands a package for your eyes only from Alex" the man replied. He walked towards Amanda, handed her the package and ran out of the room before Amanda snapped out of her shock state and shot him.

* * *

" Sometime today doesn't mean withing couple of hours, Tom" Alex whispered to herself.

Amanda was staring at the package in front of her with wide eyes. She couldn't understand what was happening. How did the package come in their hands? What Alex sent her? Why Alex sent her a package? Quickly she composed herself and the mask of the deathly calm returned to her face.

Nikita and the others were standing still in complete shock.

Amanda took the package on her hands and she was about to open it when Alex cut her off.

" Don't" Alex shouted nervously. She knew that if Amanda opened the file there wasn't a way back and she needed to do something to minimize the outbrust.

" You sent this package to me for a reason, right? You want me to open it" Amanda replied confused.

" Yes, I sent it for a reason but it isn't the reason that you will think if you open it now. Can we talk about it first?" Alex requested worried.

" We can talk after I open it right?" Amanda asked confused trying to understand why Alex was suddenly so nervous.

" No, I don't think that we will be able to talk about that then" Alex said defeated and stared at Amanda.

Amanda decided to play along and let down the package.

" And why is that?" Amanda asked curiously and made herself comfortable in the chair.

" Because I am absolutely sure that When and If you decide to open the package, your hate towards me will reach a new unimaginable level and I don't think that between threats and warnings and shouts we will manage to talk." Alex replied honestly.

" I don't think that I can hate you more than I already do" Amanda commented coldly.

" I am not sure about that. And besides everything If I were you, I wouldn't want to see the context of the package while I have audience." Alex replied softly.

" I am not afraid of a stupid package" Amanda retorted annoyed. Receiving advices from Alex was at least annoyed.

" That is your choice." Alex mentioned.

" Tell me what I need to know about this package before I open it." Amanda requested.

" It isn't a payback. Believe it or not I didn't send this file in order to hurt you. I know that you will make me regret it, but Amanda in advance you need to know that I am sorry. I never wanted to do to you what you did to me but I guess that this is the only way to shake you. I am really sorry" Alex said honestly and stared at Amanda with an apologetic gaze.

" There is nothing that can hurt me. Can I open it now?" Amanda replied coldly as ice.

Alex nodded in defiance and took a deep breathe.

Amanda took the package in her hands one more time and opened it revealing a file. She took out the file and opened it. As soon as she saw the first page, she jumped up in shock and threw the file down.

Nikita stared at Amanda in complete shock. For first she saw something other than emptiness in Amanda's eyes. She saw pain and fear. Amanda's eyes were filling with tears that she tried too hard to hold back and compose herself.

Alex seeing Amanda's reaction dropped her head and felt her own eyes burning with tears. She never wanted to be the source of emotional pain. Yes, Amanda was a sadistic bitch and she had hurt a lot of people but none deserved that, even Amanda. Alex didn't want to do what Amanda did to her but it was the only way to shake Amanda, it was the only way to win her in her own game. She needed to play along.

Amanda's form was still shaking when she spoke.

" How did you... how did you find out?" Amanda asked trying to remain calm.

" I made my research" Alex replied her gaze fixed on the floor.

" How long do you know?" Amanda asked in shock.

" About a year" Alex said softly still not daring to look at Amanda.

Amanda took a deep breathe trying to control herself feeling the anger rising inside her. She was ready to explode.

" WHY THE HELL DID YOU MAKE THE RESEARCH IN FIRST PLEASE AND HOW ARE YOU DARING TO SEND THIS FILE TO ME, YOU BITCH?" Amanda yelled her frustation out.

Alex looked up at Amanda's face. She could see her veins trembled on her head, she could sense her anger and her pain.

" YOU WILL REGRET IT ALEX. YOU WILL REGRET MESSING UP WITH ME LIKE THAT." Amanda threatened screaming.

" I didn't send it to hurt you." Alex replied calmly.

Amanda laughed evilly.

" You didn't send it to hurt me? Then why?" Amanda said in an hysterical tone and looked like a crazy woman.

" To remind you that you are better than that. To remind that you are better than what they did to you. To remind you what is under your mask." Alex said firmly.

" This is who I am Alex. " Amanda shouted and pointed to herself.

" No Amanda, this isn't who you are, this is what you despise. You think that what happened to you made you but it didn't. We make ourselves. The people around us give us some directions but it is our choice which path we are going to walk." Alex replied.

" You did that for Nikita, she did that for me and someone did it for you. But we give directions, Amanda, not orders. Nikita isn't you and I amn't Nikita just like you aren't you know who. You chose to put on this mask because you need to feel in control. You chose to enjoy causing pain because for once you weren't the one who had to suffer. You chose to bury your real self. We live with our choices, Amanda. Don't blame them for what you have become." Alex added.

" I chose to become better than they were. I am a better bitch, I am a better torturor. I completed the research, I successfully erased people's memories and I moved on." Amanda yelled.

" Move on? You have just put a mask, Amanda. You have never managed to move on. You have never managed to get rid of HELEN" Alex retorted angrily.

" Don't you dare call me like that!" Amanda yelled frustated unable to control her temper.

" But this is who you are, Amanda. You used to despise what you have become. You committed your first murder in order to escape what you have become. Helen is part of you." Alex said softly trying to reason Amanda.

" Helen died that night." Amanda replied firmly with hate in her voice.

" Amanda died that night, Helen survived and put a mask running away from her problems." Alex corrected her.

" Helen has died." Amanda whispered trying to convice even her own self.

" We all wear masks, Amanda. Sometimes because we are scared that if the people around us know who we really are they will hate us, sometimes because we are afraid or ashamed of our real selves, sometimes because it is easier to wear a mask than to deal with the problems. But sometimes we wear masks for so long and we build a whole life around this mask, we live the lie until it becomes our lives. But that doesn't mean that what is under the mask will go away. You have to deal with your real you. You might turn into something worse, you might turn into something better but it will be real." Alex argued calmly.

" Are you talking from experience?" Amanda asked sarcastically trying to put her emotions under control.

" Of course. I wear masks, too. But at least I know what it is under the surface. Do you know what it is under your mask, Amanda?" Alex returned the question.

" And what is there under your mask, Alex? It is Alexandra, a coldblood murdered, someone who would do anything to gain power or Sasha, a cheap whore who had lost account of how many men have been inside her or someone else?" Amanda retorted with hate.

Alex shallowed the lumb on her throat and stared at Amanda.

" All of that and much more" Alex replied trying to remain calm.

" Drop your mask and then we will talk about mine." Amanda requested with anger.

" So you do wear mask!" Alex exclaimed and smiled that she had manipulated Amanda to admit that she wears mask.

" Does Nikita know what you really are? Does Sean know what you are?" Amanda replied and sat down. She had finally managed to put her emotions under control and she was determined to destroy Alex once and for all. Alex had to pay.

" Go ahead. Enlighten them. It is your turn again, but then don't complain when my turn comes. Expose my real self to them." Alex challenged and took a step back signaling to Amanda that she wasn't going to interrupt her.

" Alexandra Udinov is a coldblood murderer, empty of any emotions without regrets. I remember that Nikolai had told me that you had witnessed your first murder when you were 3. At the age of 11, you learnt that your father was a murdered and you accepted your heritage, you accepted that you would have to murder and torture people and you never complaint, you didn't like it but you didn't do anything to change the situation either." Amanda started.

" I must guess that your relationship with my father lasted more than a couple of months. You weren't one night stand, were you?" Alex cut her off curiously.

" No, I wasn't." Amanda replied calmly.

" You think that you know her, Nikita? You think that she is good? She is pure evil!" Amanda added and stared at Nikita.

" I know who Alexandra is, I know that she is part of Alex and I am fine with that. You want to speak about evil, speak about yourself." Nikita replied angrily. She couldn't stand hearing Amanda talk about evil. She knew who Alexandra is, she had seen Alexandra in Alex's eyes several times but that didn't mean that she was evil.

" Amanda, what about you? You think that you know who Alexandra Udinov is?" Alex asked calmly.

" Yes. I met her when she was 4. She was a leader from that age and she still is. You are nothing more than a coldblood murdered, you enjoy killing, you enjoy being in control." Amanda replied calmly.

" You have no idea who Alexandra is, Amanda and trust me you don't want to meet her." Alex exclaimed with hate and disgust in her voice.

" Are you afraid of yourself Alex?" Amanda asked amused.

" Afraid of myself? No, I know who I am and what I am capable of. But you should be afraid of Alexandra, as you said before she has no morals, no limits, no hesitation." Alex replied with a deadly tone.

" I would really like to see, Alexandra. Our game would reach a whole different level if you let yourself free, if you stop holding back, if you enjoy the game, if you release your beast." Amanda said coldly.

" Amanda don't go to the forest if you aren't ready to fight the wolves. Consider that as a warning" Alex pleaded and Amanda stared at her in shock. Alex threatening her was something that she wasn't used to.

" Are we finished with Alexandra, now? What else do you think that there is under my mask?" Alex ended the conversation about Alexandra and requested Amanda to continue with her game.

" We are finished for now... Sasha, another name, another lie, another mask." Amanda commented calmly.

" Do you know with how many have you slept, Alex? Sean?" Amanda added satisfied seeing Alex's eyes. There is a crack on the surface, Amanda was finally getting to Alex, she was winning this round.

" No, I don't know. I stopped counting" Alex whispered sadly.

" Well, I did my research. With your numbers and prices I must guess that you were one of the best sluts that the world has ever known" Amanda commented.

" Don't call her slut" Nikita and Sean shouted in union angrily.

" You have still not gotten used with the idea that she had sex more times that all the people inside Division would ever have in union?, have you?" Amanda retorted amused.

" She was being raped" Nikita yelled frustated with her own tears falling on her cheeks. She couldn't see Amanda trying to hurt Alex like that. She wanted to shut her up. She didn't want to hear anything else. She didn't want to know how many people have raped Alex because of her. She didn't want Alex to have a number in her mind while she was still struglling with the idea.

" Just tell me the fucking number" Alex interrupted starting to lose control of her feelings. She knew that this number will haunt her for ever and it might destroy her relationship with the others but she wasn't going to let Amanda win. She needed to go through that.

" 1378 DIFFERENT MEN AND 514 WOMEN" Amanda yelled and laughed evilly seeing the shock in Nikita's eyes and the defeated figure of Alex.

" She could have slept with Michael and she wouldn't even remember it" Amanda tried to shake Nikita more.

" Actually you are wrong. I would have remembered it. I remember every single person, I remember their faces, their tastes. I remember the hunger in their eyes, I remember every single room, every beating, every rape, every gang, every tear. I remember every single day of those years. I just didn't know the number. 1378 men and 514 women. Thanks for the information" Alex said and her pain was obvious in her voice.

But it was Sean's turn to step up.

" Actually you are wrong, Amanda. She had slept with 1380 men, you forgot to add Nathan and me" Sean said coldly and walked towards Alex and kept her in his hug. Alex glared at him in surprise and let some tears to fall.

Amanda looked at Sean in complete shock.

" She is more fucked up than you can even imagine. She is so used." Amanda commented in disgust.

" And that explains why she is so amazing at bed" Sean retorted softly.

" Sean!" Alex yelled in surprise. She was happy that Sean had stepped up to defend her but talking about their sexual life before everyone was embarassing.

" You want to know the difference between those men and me? They had sex with her, while I make love with her. I am a lucky man. I don't care about how many people had slept with her, because I am the one who wakes up in the moring and see her lying besides me, I am the one who can hold her and tell her that I love her, I am the one who can see behind her mask" Sean said calmly and kissed Alex.

" But she hasn't accepted your proposal, has she?" Amanda argued and smiled.

" We don't need symbols. We don't need rings and marriages. We have something better to hold on. If she doesn't want to accept my proposal or if she needs time for any reason, I am okay with that. Do you know why, Amanda? Because our hearts talk to each other and I know what she wants and what she needs. I don't need her to accept my proposal to prove me that she loves me because I already know that she does. And I will be with her no matter what her decision would be, I will be with her even if she decides that she is happier with some other guy, because this is what LOVE means." Sean replied calmly and hugged Alex tighter, who turned around and whispered in his ear

" I love you".

Amanda was in shock and Nikita was as happy as she could. She was in pain that because of her decision to hand her to the chauffer Alex had suffered so much, but absolutely amazed that Alex had finally found someone like Sean, who didn't care about her past but about her present.

" Anything else, Amanda? Come on, enlighten us more." Nikita challenged with hate in her voice.

Amanda shook her head in disbelief. How that was possible? How she was unable to break their bond?

" Alex? Anything else under your mask?" Amanda asked still in a state of shock.

" A lot, but you don't expect me to enlighten you, do you?" Alex retorted with a soft smile. Amanda had lost in her own game. She had tried to break their bond but she had managed it to make it stronger.

" So, I must guess that now is my turn again" Alex added when Amanda remained silent.


	25. Chapter 25

" So, I must guess that now is my turn again" Alex added when Amanda remained silent.

* * *

" What do you think of yourself, Amanda? You think that you are God, that you know what is best for everyone? You think that everyone owes to you? Nikita owes to you, I owe to you? You think that you are a better bitch than we are? that you had a harder past than we did?" Alex said with hate.

" Don't fool yourself, Amanda. You are just a better COWARD than we are!" Alex added and Amanda's fist closed in anger.

" You don't know anything about me" Amanda said with gritted teeth.

" I think that I know enough. You have never dealt with your problems. You have never faced Helen." Alex retorted.

" Keep Helen out of this" Amanda ordered firmly.

" Just like you kept Alexandra and Sasha out? We are talking about masks. For once, be honest with yourself, accept yourself. Helen is a part of you, deal with it" Alex retorted angrily. She was done playing nicely. If Amanda wanted to talk without holding back then this is what she would get. Alex's emotions were barely under her control and she had to finish that crazy conversation before it gets too ugly for both of them.

" What do you want me to say, Alex?" Amanda asked harsh.

" I don't want you to say anything to me, I want you to be honest with yourself." Alex replied softer.

" Helen was weak." Amanda commented simply.

" Helen is you, Amanda. And she wasn't weak, she was just a child who had suffered." Alex corrected Amanda calmly.

" Helen has died Alex." Amanda said coldly.

" Has she? I think that she is still inside you. You never dealt with her, you never dealt with what he did to you, you never dealt with your emotions. You have just put a mask on and tried to take control of your life. You were tortured every single day of your life by your own father just because you were unlucky to be born second. He was doing experiments on you trying to complete his research and erase memories and you killed him for that. And now look where your choices have gotten you. You enjoy messing up with people's brains, you enjoy sensing their pain. Helen wasn't weak, she was just a scared kid who didn't know how to react to the cruelty. You weren't weak, Amanda. You were just a kid." Alex replied softly.

" But now you are weak. You are weak because you have never found the courage to deal with your past. You have just decided to turn into what you used to despise because it felt good and easy. It is good to be in control when you spent your childhood under the control of your father, it is good to be the cause of the pain when you used to be the victim, it is good to sheek for power when you used to suffer from that. It is easy to become your father when this the only thing that you have known in your life, it is easy to be cruel and merciless because you won't risk to get hurt. It is easy and it feels nice but the problem isn't solved. Behind the mask of the deadly calminess, there is a broken woman. You took a messed up girl and you created a broken woman, Amanda." Alex added and paused.

Amanda's figure was at least scaring. Her teeth were gritted, her face pale and her eyes full of hate, she was ready to explode. It was hard to hear the truth from someone that you hate so much.

" You are playing with fire. You will regret it." Amanda warned with a deadly tone.

" I am sure that I will but for now, let's talk about Amanda." Alex replied calmly.

" Don't go there" Amanda pleaded and a small crack was obvious in her voice. Pain? There was pain in her voice.

" You have to deal with her, Amanda. I am sorry...You think that she betrayed you, but in the reality you betrayed her. You killed the only person who cared about you, your sister and you stole her identity. You betrayed her." Alex ignored Amanda's plea and continued.

" She didn't care about me, Alex. She had her wonderful life. She let our father torture me for years and she didn't do anything, she was just standing by and watch" Amanda retorted.

" And you think that it was easy for her? That she enjoyed seeing her little sister suffer like that? She was just a kid. Amanda was just a troubled kid and you killed her when she came to rescue you, you killed her when she found the courage to step up and fight for you." Alex shouted angrily.

" After so many years of false hopes and promises? She just wanted to wash her guilt. She didn't come for me. She did it for herself" Amanda yelled frustated. She had lost a long time ago the battle with her emotions.

" And where is the problem with that? It doesn't matter if she did for herself or for you, the facts are facts. She came for you, Helen, she came for you. She stepped up for you, she fought with your father for you, she helped you escape and in return you murdered her in cold blood and why? Because she didn't come earlier. But she came!" Alex said softly with pain in her voice. She could see where Amanda was coming from, she had similar life with her, she was tortured all her life just like Amanda, but she had chosen a completely different path from her.

" She got what she deserved" Amanda commented coldly as ice, emotionless.

" Your whole life you blame the others for your actions. You are the saint and the others betray you all the time. Take a break, Amanda, and think about what is your role in all those situations. A relationship has two parts and both parts have responsibilities towards it." Alex replied calmly.

" Are you blaming for something?" Amanda asked curiously.

" Blaming you? Of course not. I am just trying to explain to you that you can't blame only the others when something goes terrible wrong in a relationship." Alex replied.

" Just because you decided to spare Nikita's life that doesn't mean that I should have spared Amanda's" Amanda mentioned.

" When did I become Helen? And Nikita Amanda?" Alex asked confused.

" Don't answer that. I don't want to learn your twisted thoughts." Alex added before Amanda could reply the question.

" Don't you see the similiraties of our lives, Alex? You are a mini-me and Nikita is just like my sister standing by and watching when we destroyed your life again and again and again. Actually no, Nikita is worse than my sister, Nikita helped us to screw up your life." Amanda commented and smiled evilly seeing Nikita's eyes widen in complete shock and pain.

" Well, guess what.. I am not you. I don't blame the others for what have happened in my life. So can you stop turning the conversation to me?" Alex retorted angrily.

" Why? Afraid that you will change your mind if we continue the conversation and you will kill her?" Amanda asked amused.

" No. Afraid that she would start beating herself up again and I am not in mood." Alex retorted and gestured to Nikita, who was standing still in complete shock unable to form any kind of words trying to fill in the new informations while her eyes were still wet from the previous conversation when Alex received Amanda's cruel comments.

" I don't think that you have forgiven her" Amanda said and stared at Nikita, who looked up at her and then at Alex.

" You are allowed to think whatever you want" Alex replied avoiding to answer to Amanda. Her relationship with Nikita wasn't Amanda's or anyone's business and she wasn't going to discuss it in front of her.

" Fair enough" Amanda commented and nodded to Nikita.

" You could have worked it out differently. You are hurt because Nikita left you but you have never faced her and tell her how you really feel. You pushed her towards her decision, Amanda. It was her decision but you helped her to make up her mind" Alex said calmly staring at Nikita and then at Amanda.

" This is my fault, too?" Amanda asked in disbelief.

" It isn't only Nikita's fault. I am pretty sure that you have never told her that Percy went behind your back when Daniel got killed. Does she know that you didn't know? Does she know that you didn't give the order? Does she know that you were sorry that she had to suffer like that? Does she know that you wanted her to be happy?" Alex asked softly.

" What are you talking about?" Nikita asked in shock.

" You feel betrayed, Amanda, but you helped her betray you. All that she needed was you to tell her that everything is going to be fine, it was you to look her in the eyes and tell her that you didn't know and that you are sorry. She just needed her mother figure by her side but you weren't there. You had decided to take Division's side, you decided to teach her that love is liability, you decided to torture her with her memories, you decided to use him against her." Alex said and saw Amanda's face darkening.

" She just needed you and you weren't there for her and she left. Don't blame her for running away from you after everything because you could have done something better. You want to get mad at someone for Nikita's betrayal? Get mad at yourself for not being there for her." Alex added .

" You didn't know?" Nikita gasped in shock.

Amanda remained silent staring at Alex. She had gone too far. She had exposed a lot of things for her.

" She should have done something better than run away. I gave her everything and she used the gifts that I gave her against me." Amanda commented ignoring Nikita's question.

" You would have done something better if you thought that Nikita had Sean killed." Amanda added.

Alex laughed loudly.

" Do you really think that her reaction was extreme? Amanda, if I thought that Nikita had Sean killed, you are right, I wouldn't have reacted like she did. I would have just been out there looking for blood, her blood and I wouldn't have stopped until I died or made her regret the day that she was born. Her reaction towards you is outstanding. You are lucky that she decided just to run away from you." Alex replied coldly.

" You wouldn't" Amanda argued.

" I hope that I would never have to prove my words. I can forgive a lot but the people that I love turning one against the other in this way is something that I can't and I won't stand." Alex replied calmly.

" Deal with your emotions, Amanda. Stop hidding. Stop running." Alex requested softly.

" Fuck you, Alex" Amanda replied coldly.

" It is your turn again now. Use it wisely." Alex ignored Amanda's comment.

" Of course and I will use it wisely. I will kill you" Amanda said and smirked to Alex.

" Maybe" Alex replied calmly.

" Why the hell do you think that there is even a tiny possibility to hold back and not kill you? I killed my family. You are nothing to me." Amanda said irritated.

" Family isn't something that comes with the blood, it is something that it comes from your heart but anyway. Do you remember our conversation after Nikita shot me? You came to check up on me and you made me a favor in order to distract me. I ask you what you wanted in return. Think your answer and you will have your answer." Alex replied calmly.

Amanda's mind flashed back to this conversation.

_" What do you want in return Amanda?" Alex asked harsh not in mood to make any kind of conversation after being shot by her ex-best friend._

_" Nothing. It is a favor" Amanda replied._

_" And why are you doing me a favor?" Alex requested._

_" Because this is what friends do for each other" Amanda replied and smiled._

_" We aren't there yet" Alex said with hate._

_" I think that we are close. Your current condition is a proof of that." Amanda said and gave for first time a honest smile to Alex before she turned around and left._

Nikita and Alex stared at Amanda's face as a small smile was formed and then fainted.

" And your current position is a proof that we are in enemies sides again. You rejected the title" Amanda commented with hate.

" It doesn't matter what my answer was, if I accepted your friendship or not. Even for one moment you thought of me like a friend, you felt something inside you than hate and anger towards me. And this is enough for me to make me think that under your mask and your hate, there is something pure, there is something capable to get attached, capable to love." Alex replied and smiled softly.

" You will regret it, Alex. You will regret turning against me. You will regret betraying me." Amanda yelled and stood up.

" You are fighting an already lost war. I have win even before you started the game. I don't care if you kill me, if you cause me pain, if you take away my memories, if you trap me in my memories, if you take out your anger on me. I don't care to win you in your silly game." Alex retorted calmly.

" Then you will lose before you realise it" Amanda said coldly.

" I have win something bigger. I have win the life. I have managed even for one day to wake up in the morning and not feel sad, I have managed to spend a whole day with a smile on my face, I have managed to spend a day feeling whole person. I have win the life, Amanda. I have managed to feel okay with myself, I have managed to let people in, I have managed to leave myself exposed, I have managed to put my pieces together when I got hurt. I am not afraid of the pain that you can cause me because I have been through the pain of love and I have survived. And the pain of hate can't be compared with the pain of love." Alex replied softly.

" I will make you regret. I will make sure that the pain of my hate will be worse than anything else." Amanda threatened.

" You are playing the hate game with yourself. You hate me and you hate yourself but I don't hate you. So bring it on. Hurt me as much as you can for as long as you want, but you will always hate yourself more." Alex retorted coldly.

" What do you mean that you don't hate me?" Amanda asked in shock.

" I don't hate you. I feel sorry for you. I am sorry that you will never learn the meaning of love and friendship. You can change people's minds with your fucking cranio needles, you can manipulate their feelings and their thoughts but you know that they aren't by your side with their free will and I am sorry that you are incapable to let yourself be loved, to let yourself be hurt. I don't hate you. I am just sorry." Alex said sadly and stared at Amanda.

She hadn't seen Amanda so angry in her life. She was trembling from her anger.

" YOU..." Amanda started.

" Save it. We have nothing to say anymore. Take your revenge, Amanda, and get over with it. You know that I was right. You can read the file or you can burn it, you can deal with your past or bury it. I can't force you to do anything. It is your choice. I am sorry that I hurt you like that today, I really am. If you want revenge I am not going to stop you. Goodbye, Amanda" Alex said and walked towards the door. She stopped and turned around to see Amanda looking at her with wide eyes.

" It is good to know that you are human and you can feel things even if it is pain. I hope that one day you will manage to heal yourself and feel more things. We lead the life that we choose, Amanda. We live with the choices that we make." Alex said and left the room.

She ran like hell towards the training area and she found Tom there.

" Spare with me" Alex shouted and they moved towards the mat and started their battle. She needed to take it all out. She needed to deal with what Amanda had said to her, she needed to get rid of her frustation. She needed to keep her mind focused on something else than Amanda.

* * *

" Amanda?" Nikita whispered hesitantly seeing Amanda standing still like a status and staring at the door.

Amanda blinked her eyes and looked at Nikita.

" You don't mind if I change my primary target, Nikita, do you?" Amanda asked sarcastically.

Sean gasped understanding the meaning under Amanda's words.

" Amanda, no!" Nikita shouted worried.

" She is dead" Amanda replied and ended the call.

Nikita and the others were standing still staring at the black now screen.

" Why did she have to provoque her like that?" Michael asked confused.

" Not that she wasn't right, but she is Amanda and we all know what this means." Michael added and inside him felt proud and worried of Alex.

" Because she thinks better her than us." Sean replied defeated.

" Please, tell me that she is not leaving again?" Birkoff interrupted worried.

" She will. Tomorrow." Sonya replied.

" This is suicide. She can't be on a mission without back up and with Amanda after her. Someone must put some sense into her mind" Ryan shouted in shock. He had learnt what had happened after he came around from his coma and he had forgiven Alex. He didn't want to see her suffer in Amanda's hands.

" I will talk to her." Nikita said and left to find Alex.


	26. Chapter 26

" I will talk to her." Nikita said and left to find Alex.

* * *

Nikita exited the room and went to find Alex. Her steps lead her to the training area. She stopped when she heard Alex talking to Tom. She didn't want to overhear their conversation but it might be useful. If Alex didn't want to talk to her about her problems then she might have to overhear her problems. She wanted so badly to understand what was going on. She wanted her Alex back. She was so scared about her and Alex kept pushing her away.

* * *

" FOCUS" Alex yelled and helped Tom to stand up and then walked away from him.

She sat down and took out the bottle with the pills. She twisted the cap and opened it. Her ankle was paining horribly. Tom looked at her in shock. He didn't think that he would ever see Alex on the edge.

" What Amanda told you this time?" Tom asked softly trying to understand why Alex was in so much emotional pain.

Alex sighed and closed the bottle. She put it down next to her.

" You need to work this out. You are distracted and it is dangerous." Alex said calmly changing the subject.

" I don't know how. She doesn't speak to me" Tom replied sadly.

" Can you speak to her?" Tom requested.

" Tom, Meredith thinks that we were sleeping together. I don't know how you created this mess, but I am the last person that Meredith wants to speak to right now. She probably wants to kick my ass, for something that I didn't do." Alex replied with pain in her voice.

" I didn't want to create this mess. I am sorry for endangering your relationship with Meredith. I wasn't thinking." Tom apologised and sat down on the mat opposite to Alex.

" As your friend, I don't have problem because I know that we will all work it out eventually, but as your boss I have a huge problem because we are supposed to look after each other's back and we can't do so if we are pissed off with each other. You are both out of the field until you work it out." Alex said firmly.

" I am sorry, Alex" Tom replied softly.

" How the hell did she end up to the false conclusion that we were having an affair?" Alex asked annoyed.

Tom opened his mouth to say something but he didn't have the time to do so because one of the doors opened and a furious Meredith entered the training area.

" You were supposed to be my friend, Alex" Meredith yelled hurt.

" I am not sleeping with Tom. I haven't slept with Tom and I am not planning to do so. So stop accusing me for something that I didn't do and tell me what the hell is wrong with you two!" Alex shouted back annoyed.

" You are a liar, Alex. A cheap whore who pretended to be my friend and it hurts to be betrayed by your best friend!" Meredith shouted out her frustation.

" MEREDITH" Tom yelled annoyed to stop her. He knew that she didn't mean any of this and she didn't want to hurt Alex, she was just hurt.

" Let her take out her anger. I am used to my friends calling me a whore." Alex said and stood up. She walked towards Meredith and stared at her.

" I have never slept with Tom. If I had, I would have told you a long time ago. But I haven't. I never betrayed your trust or your friendship like that and I don't plan to." Alex added firmly.

Meredith looked up at her with teary eyes. She knew that Alex was honest, Alex was always honest with her and she could feel her concern and her love. She had gone too far by calling her a whore and she knew it. She just needed to take out her frustation.

" Then, how does he know which side of the bed you prefer, how you place your body when you sleep, where he can touch you without scaring you?" Meredith asked defeated.

Alex sighed and looked at Tom.

" I can see why she thinks that we were sleeping together now" Alex commented.

" We were just chatting" Tom retorted.

" About my sleeping habits. It was a normal reaction." Alex said and looked back at Meredith.

" We haven't had sex, but we have slept on the same bed a lot of times." Alex said.

" Why?" Meredith asked calmly.

" It wasn't planned. When I first found him, he was in a bad shape and I took him home like I did for you. We were sharing the house for months. After awhile, I felt safe enough to sleep with him in the house. I usually let him sleep first and then I would sleep in another room." Alex started her story.

" It wasn't a good period for me. I didn't know how to react after everything that happened with Nikita. I was pretty much a mess but I could hold myself together pretty good until the day that Nikita shot me. My emotions started spinning out of my control. I was cleared from medical and I went home." Alex paused and looked at Tom.

" It was supposed to be an easy mission. She would have kidnapped the kid and then let Nikita rescued him. She knew that she would have to play along and fight Nikita, make her believe that she was with Amanda for real. When I saw her entering the house with bandages and plasters, I froze. I couldn't understand what had gone wrong. I thought of every possible scenario but I couldn't find an explanation. I didn't inflirtate in the mission because Nikita would have and we didn't want to create a scene with three different parties after a innocent kid. Alex saw my gaze and said _Nikita. _I was sure that I had misunderstood but she didn't speak for hours. After an eternity of silence, she left and went to her room." Tom said his part of the story.

" I don't know how I fell asleep, I think that I cried myself to the brick of exhaustion. For once again, I saw one of my nightmares about Nikita. When I woke up, I found Tom sleeping beside me slightly hugging me. I don't know how he ended up there." Alex continued.

" When Alex left, I went to bed, too. I tried to sleep but I had one nightmare so I decided to go and check up on Alex, make sure that she was sleeping and that she was ok at least physically. When I opened the door, I show her shaking and tears were running from her eyes. I went closer and I tried to wake her but I only caused her to shake more violently. After some minutes, I couldn't stand to see her in so much pain and climbed on the bed and hugged her from behind. After a while her struggling came to an end. She never told me what she saw in her nightmare." Tom said.

" For the next months, when someone's emotional state was unstable and a nightmare was certain to occur, we would sleep together trying to minimize the pain. I slept with him in the anniversary of his family death and in their birthdays, he would sleep with me after Amanda torturing or after seeing Nikita on the field and on the anniversary of me entering the human trafficking. Except from the fixed dates, we will share the same bed when for any reason someone needed to feel safe." Alex continued.

" We weren't sleeping together, we were just trying to fight the demons of our past and present. This is why he knows my sleeping habits." Alex finished and sighed defeated walking away from Meredith.

" I am sorry, Alex. I should have never doubted you. I was just hurt from even the possibility of your betrayal. I am sorry" Meredith said and walked hesitantly towards Alex.

" Don't worry. I know how it feels to be betrayed by your best friend. I understand. But I haven't betrayed you and I don't plan to." Alex replied and looked at Meredith.

Meredith closed the gap and hugged Alex.

" I love you and I am sorry" Meredith said and walked out of the room trying desperately to hold her tears back. She opened the door and exited. When she was out of the room, she froze seeing Nikita's teary face.

* * *

" How long have you been here?" Meredith asked in shock.

" Enough." Nikita replied honestly. There was no use in lying.

" Don't tell her that you overheard us, she will probably get mad. She doesn't want to speak about her feelings and especially how she felt about what happened between you two" Meredith adviced her and walked away. She knew that Alex loved Nikita more than everything and she didn't want to fight with Nikita. She could understand Nikita's need to overhear the conversation. Alex was acting strange around her and she kept pushing her away.

Nikita looked at Meredith surprised. She expected Meredith to kick her ass for overhearing a such a private conversation but Meredith show understanding. Nikita was brought out of her thoughts when Alex and Tom's conersation started again. This time, she lost control and silently entered the training area when she heard the word 'drugs'. She didn't want to let Alex take drugs. She stayed silent and looked at the two partners.

Alex had sitten back down and she had placed ice on her sprained ankle, Tom was pacing up and down before her. He stopped when Alex took the drugs in her hands.

" Are you going to tell me why you are so stressed up?" Tom asked annoyed.

" What did that crazy bitch say to you this time?" Tom shouted when Alex remained silent.

Alex looked up at him and shook her head in denial.

" Alex, I am worried. For how long do you think that you will be able to control yourself and not relapse if you keep everything inside you?" Tom asked softly. He was really worried about Alex.

" I am tired, Tom. I don't know what to do anymore. Everytime than I take control of a part of my life, another slips away. I found you and I lost Nikita. I made peace with Nikita and I lost Sean. I found Sean and Amanda messed up with my brain. I fought Amanda's fucking cranio needle and I lost Nikita and Sean and everyone else. I found you all and Julian showed up and I lost Nikita, again. I am just tired." Alex confessed defeated.

" You lost them because you want to protect them, you don't want your nightmares to become a reality. But when is it going to end, Alex? You can't hurt yourself trying to protect everyone" Tom said softly.

" It never ends, Tom. It never ends. Eventually everyone I care about gets hurt." Alex replied and stood up walking away from Tom.

" Who is going to be next, Tom? You? Meredith?" Alex said hurt and twitsed the cap of the bottle.

" We aren't going anywhere, Alex." Tom replied and walked towards her.

" It is harder than before to resist" Alex whispered and stared at the pills.

Tom stared at her not knowing what to say. Nikita had heard enough. It was time for her to step up.

" You promised that you will take good care of her. I don't see how Alex holding drugs is a good care." Nikita shouted angrily to Tom.

Alex and Tom looked up at Nikita. Alex's eyes filled with tears understanding from Nikita's gaze that she had heard enough.

" She is going to kill me." Tom whispered in Alex's ears afraid.

Alex gestured to Tom to leave from the other door and Tom obeyed not wanting to spend a minute in the same room with a furious Nikita.

" How much have you overheard?" Alex asked calmly and closed the bottle hiding it back in her pocket.

" Are you using again?" Nikita asked back with pain in her voice and walked towards Alex stopping inches away from her.


	27. Chapter 27

" How much have you overheard?" Alex asked calmly and closed the bottle hiding it back in her pocket.

" Are you using again?" Nikita asked back with pain in her voice and walked towards Alex stopping inches away from her.

Alex glared at her and tried to compose herself and put her cold mask on.

" It isn't your business." Alex said coldly. She needed to make Nikita angry, she needed to make Nikita hate her, she needed to protect her.

" It isn't my business?" Nikita gasped hurt. What had she done? Why was she losing Alex all over again?

Alex stared at Nikita unaffected repeating mentally to herself that it was for Nikita's best intrest. The only thing that she wanted right now was to hug Nikita and cry in her arms but she couldn't risk her life like that. It would be too selfish if she let Nikita in while Julian and Amanda were out there looking for her blood.

" He promised that he would look after you and you are using again." Nikita whispered in shock ready to break down.

" It is not Tom's fault. He is doing his best to protect me and don't forget that he is under my commands." Alex defended Tom not wanting to cause him any problems with Nikita.

" So, because you are the big boss, it is ok to use again?" Nikita asked in disbelief.

" Why Alex? Why are you using again? Why you didn't come to me or to anyone else and talk about it?" Nikita added and fight hard to keep her tears in her eyes.

Alex couldn't let Nikita think that she was using. Nikita's pained figured was killing her. She hated herself. She took a deep breathe and walked away from Nikita. She sat down and placed the ice back on her ankle.

" I am not using again. Not yet." Alex whispered staring at her pained leg.

Nikita blinked her eyes in shock.

" What do you mean? Not yet? You are using or not, Alex? Why do you carry drugs? What's wrong?" Nikita shouted confused. She couldn't take it anymore. She couldn't take her new relationship with Alex, she wanted to fix it and never let go of Alex, ever again. She wanted to keep Alex in her hug, safe away from Amanda and the other monsters of the real world.

" I am not using yet. I might start using later but for now I am clean" Alex replied calmly.

" Yet? You really think of start using again?" Nikita shouted and started pacing up and down trying to understand what was going on.

" I don't know what I am going to do in the future. I don't know if I will use or not. The time will show" Alex replied honestly.

" Wait wait wait. You carry DRUGS, Alex. You have already relapsed once! What do you want this time? You want to get addicted again? You want the pain of the withdrawals? You want to punish yourself like you did when you escaped brothels? You want to forget? Tell me what do you want Alex! Tell me why you are pushing me away! Just tell me what is wrong!" Nikita screamed her lungs out and stopped to face an unexpected calm Alex.

" I am not using, Nikita. What else do you want to hear?" Alex asked harsh. She didn't want to hurt Nikita but she didn't know what else to do. She didn't want her nightmares to become reality and she couldn't quite handle what Amanda's cranio needle had released.

" The truth" Nikita said simply.

" I am not ready to give you that. I am sorry." Alex replied honestly.

" You aren't ready or you don't want to?" Nikita asked seriously and stared at Alex.

" Does it matter what I am going to say? You have already jumped to conclusions." Alex replied and stared back.

Nikita slowly sat down opposite to Alex. She stayed silent for a while. Then, she moved her hands to Alex's sprained ankle. She lifted the ice from it and had a look at it. It was bruised, covered in a mix of purple and black color. Nikita sighed hurt and placed the ice back on the ankle.

" I didn't want to accuse you about Michael. I know that it wasn't your fault. I am sorry." Nikita said sadly.

" I want to believe that you just needed a punch bag. I never wanted Michael to get hurt." Alex replied seriously.

" I didn't mean that Alex. I am just worried to sick about him and scared of why you are acting so distant. I just want to understand." Nikita apologized.

Alex remained silent. She didn't know how to reply. She just wanted to break down and tell Nikita everything, feel safe in her hug but she knew that she couldn't. She knew that Nikita would be reckless trying to protect her and she couldn't afford losing her forever.

" You should take it more easy. You need time to heal and sparring with Tom isn't the best way to rest it." Nikita adviced softly when she realised that Alex wasn't going to continue the previous conversation.

" I know but I needed to take the number and all the conversation with Amanda out of my mind somehow." Alex replied sadly.

" You have to take care of yourself." Nikita said calmly.

" This is what I am trying to do, Nikita. I don't think that you can understand how I feel and to be honest, I am glad that you can't. I wouldn't want you or anyone else to be able to understand what is going on inside me." Alex replied honestly.

" Why?" Nikita asked confused. Why Alex was happy that they couldn't understand how she felt and they couldn't be there for her?

" Nikita, why should I want my friends to feel like hell?" Alex retorted calmly.

" You have a point." Nikita commented and smiled sadly.

" Why do you carry drugs?" Nikita asked softly. She needed to make Alex speak to her.

" I am not using. Why do you have to keep asking me about the drugs? What do you want to hear more?" Alex asked defeated.

" I want to understand why you carry drugs with you and I want to know if you were really going to make use if Amanda told you so" Nikita replied firmly and stared at Alex.

" Fine." Alex said tired with gritted teeth.

" I wouldn't have made use if Amanda wanted me to. BUT she wouldn't ask me anyway. Like you, she has spent a lot of time talking to me about drugs and how I can fight my addiction. She wouldn't have asked me to relapse like that. She wants revenge. She doesn't want me to selfdestruct, she wants to be the one who will destroy me." Alex added defeated. She was tired of fighting with Nikita, she could at least give her some answers.

" Then why do you carry drugs with you?" Nikita asked confused trying to ignore the comment about Amanda's intetions to destroy Alex.

" Drugs are a tolerance control. If I relapse then I totally need a break and I need to run to clean my head. It started when I was a recruit. I was holding drugs because I didn't know if I could be your mole and overcome Amanda's torture and mind games. As long as I was staying clean, I was strong enough to continue. If I had relapsed, I would have asked you to extract me." Alex said seriously.

" Why you never told me?" Nikita asked in disbelief. She didn't know about that.

" Because we would have fought about it and I didn't want that. I had promised you to help you to take down Division and no matter how much difficult it was for me, I didn't want to step down." Alex replied seriously.

" Alex, your safety was always my number one priority. You should have told me. We would have found a different way." Nikita retorted sadly. She had never thought before how difficult must have been for Alex to be her mole while everyone was looking for a mole. Of course, she had seen some changes when Alex was outside, for example her need to be near to Nikita and feel safe. She had noticed that Alex wouldn't sleep before Nikita and that she would rarely have spoken about her nightmares but she had never thought of how Alex must be feeling hidding herself 24/7, being tortured from Amanda, putting her life in such danger every single day.

" And my priority was to help you no matter what." Alex replied firmly.

" But..." Nikita started.

" No buts" Alex cut her off.

" Anyway, I didn't take any drugs and we took eventually down Division." Alex added ending the conversation about her time as recruit and the drugs.

" Okay. Fine. I will drop it for now. What about after Mia? And what about now?" Nikita asked. She had so many questions in her mind that she needed to ask that it was sure that she would gain a headache sooner or later.

" I relapsed after Mia because I couldn't handle it anymore. I needed a break from everything, the pain was unbearable and I needed to force myself to step down for a while. So I started using again. I knew that it would hurt you but I am sure that you would prefer it than breaking down on the field and get myself killed." Alex replied seriously and looked away from Nikita knowing already what her next question would be.

" Why you didn't talk to me? I know that I haven't been there for you but you could have always come to me, Alex. I will always be there for you." Nikita cocked in shock.

" Does it matter?" Alex asked softly. She didn't want to talk about that.

" It matters to me. I want to know for how long you have problems with me." Nikita replied firmly.

" I don't have problems with you, Nikita. I didn't come to you because I believe that it was a period of weakness and I don't want you to be worried of me because I was or am weak." Alex whispered the half truth.

" You can't be serious" Nikita commented in total disbelief.

" Do I look to you like I am joking?" Alex asked seriously.

Nikita moved closer to Alex. Slowly she pointed to a scar on her shoulder.

" Do you see that? You took a bullet for me, you risked your life for me, you could have died for me. This isn't a weakness, this is strength." Nikita said firmly.

Alex remained silent. Nikita sighed defeated and trailed her fingers on Alex's body stopping at every scar on her body from a bullet, a knife, a rape etc. pointing to Alex those scars pleading for her attention.

" You are not weak. You never were. You are the strongest person that I have ever known in my entire life. You have been through hell but you have managed to keep your heart untouched. I admire you, Alex. I always did and I always will. I don't think that you are weak." Nikita said seriously and stared at Alex.

" That period, you took a bullet for me and you lost Sean because of that. It was normal to feel that you needed a break and it was normal to feel pain. If you have talked to me, I would have been there for you. I just wish that you should have told me." Nikita added.

" I didn't lose Sean because I took a bullet for you." Alex commented. She needed to take it out. She had hold it back for a long time. She wanted to tell Nikita the truth.

" You have told me that he left because you got hurt." Nikita retorted confused.

" One more reason why I didn't come to you, is because I couldn't tell you the truth." Alex mentioned calmly.

" Do you care to tell me the truth now?" Nikita asked harsh feeling that the truth that Alex had held from her would cause her pain.

" He left because I chose you." Alex replied firmly looking at a spot on the floor away from Nikita. She didn't want to see Nikita's gaze.

Nikita stared at Alex with her mouth half opened. Her gaze was full of confusion and pain. She knew that what Alex had just told her was truth, she could feel it. She couldn't understand exactly what Alex was talking about, but she could feel Alex's pain from her admission.

" What.. what do you mean?" Nikita gasped.

" We argued and he asked me what I believe in. I answered that I believed in you. The, he told me that he loved me but if this wasn't a reason good enough for me to leave then he would leave. He didn't give me exactly the chance to think about it- not that my decision would be different- but anyway I chose to stay." Alex replied not taking her eyes away from the floor.

" Why?" Nikita asked in disbelief and her heart arched thinking that she was responsible for one more pain that Alex had endured in her life.

" Because I believe in you and I love you and I would do anything for you." Alex replied seriously and looked at Nikita. Nikita stared back at Alex, not knowing what to think or say.

" I don't know what to say." Nikita commented in a state of shock.

" Don't say anything." Alex adviced.

Nikita took a deep breathe and acted as she felt. She was tired of holding herself back. Suddenly, she launched herself to Alex and knocked her down hugging her tightly and not letting her go. Alex stared with wide eyes at Nikita.

" I love you. Please, stop pushing me away. I am sorry for whatever I did this time. I love you." Nikita whispered softly in Alex's ears.

Alex slowly moved her hands and hugged Nikita back letting some tears to fall. She had missed Nikita so much. She couldn't keep it any longer inside her. She was breaking down.

" Do you think that you are ready to handle the truth? I am not. But if you think that you are, I am going to offer it to you." Alex said calmly.

Nikita pulled apart and looked at Alex confused.

" Seriously?" Nikita asked.

Alex nodded to her defeated.

" Yes. I want the truth." Nikita said firmly.

" Not here. Let's go on a little trip." Alex replied and stood up offering her hand to Nikita in order to help her to stand up.

Nikita smiled and accepted Alex's help. Alex took her car's keys in her hands and walked towards Division's garage. She opened the passenger's door for Nikita and then she moved to the driver's seat.

They drived in silence for 30 minutes and then suddenly Alex pulled over. Nikita glared around. They were in the bridge where she had found Alex years before.

" Give me five minutes." Alex ordered and left the car before Nikita could protest. Nikita watched as Alex walked through the junkies and fought with herself regarding what she should do. She sighed defeated thinking that she should play along and not piss Alex off now that she had finally decided to talk to her.

She stared when Alex knelt in front of a junkie and talked to him. After a while he stood up and walked away from her. He came back holding a shovel and he handed it to Alex. She dug for a while and then she took out a little object covered with paper. She took out the paper, exposing two bracelets. She took them in her hands and hid them in her pocket. She smiled to the junkie and gave him a little object and she left.

When she was back in her car, Nikita was still staring at her.

" What did you give him?" Nikita asked deciding that she shouldn't ask about the bracelets yet.

" A lighter" Alex replied calmly.

" Eh?" Nikita asked confused.

" When you live in the streets, your major problem is how to start a fire and keep yourself warm. Offering to a homeless person a lighter is the best way to thank them for helping you." Alex replied softly.

" How did you start fires back then?" Nikita asked wanting to know more about that period of Alex's life.

" I had exchanged my dose with a lighter." Alex whispered sadly.

" Withdrawals?" Nikita asked simply.

" Survival." Alex replied seriously letting Nikita know that her life was always a battle with the death.

Nikita looked at Alex with pain. She would never forgive herself for what she had caused to Alex. She had destroyed her life, she had put her in unimaginable danger, she had turned her life into a living hell.

" I know what you are thinking." Alex mentioned bringing Nikita out of her thoughts.

Nikita stared at her with a questioning gaze.

" It is not your fault, Nikita. Please. Stop doing that to both of us. Stop blaming yourself for my past, stop feeling guilty and stop being sorry for my past. It isn't the best past ever but I don't appreciate my friends to feel pity of me. It hurts more than my past itself." Alex added replying to Nikita's unspoken question.

" I don't feel pity of you." Nikita retorted immediately.

" You are when you keep feeling guilty for my past. You are not responsible about what happened to me. My past is my past and it isn't your fault. Stop feeling sorry about my past because my past is me and when you feel sorry of it, you feel sorry of me. Please forgive yourself." Alex replied seriously. Nikita couldn't understand that her guilt trip was the source of emotional pain to her. Nikita couldn't understand that when she felt sorry of Alex's past, she felt sorry for Alex herself.

Nikita didn't know how to reply to that. She knew that Alex was right up to a point but her guilt wasn't something that she couldn't control. She wasn't feeling sorry of Alex but she was sorry that Alex had to go through hell in her short life.

" We are here." Alex said and pulled over stopping the car.

Nikita looked around. They were in a familiar for her cemetery.

" What are we doing here?" Nikita asked confused.

" I am really really really sorry, Nikita. If I had made the connection earlier, I would have talked to you sooner. I am sorry. I don't want to hurt you and I know that I will and I am really sorry for that. Are you sure that you are ready?" Alex said devastated. She wished that Nikita would back off even in the last minute, but Nikita was always too stubborn.

" Show me who we came to visit." Nikita said firmly and exited the car.

Alex sighed defeated and stepped out, too.

" Let's go and buy some flowers for you." Alex recommented seriously and started walking.

They stopped to buy some flowers for Nikita and then they continued.

Alex stopped in front of a grave and looked at Nikita, who was staring at it with watery eyes.

" I will give you some minutes to say your hello and then we can talk." Alex said softy and took two steps back giving Nikita some space. Nikita glared at Alex confused. She took a deep breathe and then she knelt in front of the grave, she placed the flowers on it and took a couple of minutes to give her respects. Then she stood up and turned to Alex who was looking at her with her own watey eyes.

Alex studied her gaze and joined her before the grave.

" Why did we come to visit Daniel's grave, Alex?" Nikita asked with pain and confusion obvious in her voice.


	28. Chapter 28

" Why did we come to visit Daniel's grave, Alex?" Nikita asked with pain and confusion obvious in her voice.

" It is time for me to meet the man who stole your heart. Talk to me about him." Alex replied seriously without giving Nikita any direct answer about the reason why they were here.

Nikita stared at Alex confused trying to understand what the hell was going on. A variety of scenarios passed through her mind, each one crazier than the previous. She shook her head defeated, she couldn't make any sense so she decided to play along. Instantly, she felt tears forming in her eyes. It pained her to think of Daniel and the fact that she was responsible for his death, she would always feel guilty about his death, she had managed to destroy the person that she loved more in her life, just like she did with Alex. She had a bad record destroying her loved ones.

" Daniel was the perfect man. He was gentleman, kind and caring. He was mature and immature at the same time. He was lovely. He had a great sense of humour. He was polite, he didn't get mad easily, he was forgiveful. He was the love of my life. He was the best." Nikita said with a voice full of emotions.

" What about his family?" Alex asked softly not wanting to make Nikita feel more uncomfortably.

" He lost his father when he was 10 and his mother died before I met him when he was 21. He had no siblings but he had a best friend and he thought of her like his little sister." Nikita replied.

" Name?" Alex asked quietly.

" I don't know. He never told me. He said that her friend preferred to remain anonymous and she refused repeatedly to meet me. He had never given me much details about her. He used to wear a bracelet ' BIG BROTHER' and I can assume that she had one ' LITTLE SISTER'. He said that he wanted me to meet her because she was a great part of his life but her 'sister' didn't want to endanger me. He laughed saying that he had a thing for the bad girls. After he died, I tried to find her but I didn't know anything about her than her nickname ' Badass siberian tiger'." Nikita said softly.

She stared at Alex trying to understand what was going on. Alex was smiling sadly and she had tears in her eyes.

" You did find her." Alex said calmly.

" What are you talking about?" Nikita asked confused.

" Daniel's favorite food was fried potatos, his favorite color was blue, he loved Harry Potter, he would make funny faces to cheer you up. He used to make you breakfast on bed twice a week. He met you in a cafeteria opposite to your house. He proposed to you on 13th of August and he called you ' My light'." Alex replied and stared at Daniel's grave.

" For me, he was Dan and I was looking for you too, Nikita." Alex added and turned to look at Nikita.

Nikita was standing still in complete shock, her mouth slightly opened, her eyes wide.

" Are you saying that.. that you are.. you are the ' badass siberian tiger'?" Nikita gasped in shock.

" Badass because of the people that I worked for and because my true identity-Alexandra Udinov- is badass, siberian because I am russian and tiger because of what I was forced to do, so yes. Badass siberian tiger is me." Alex replied calmly.

" But how?" Nikita asked confused.

" It is a big story that you probably don't want to hear." Alex said softly. She didn't want to talk about this.

" Alex, I want the truth. Please." Nikita shouted devastated. She was struggling to get in the new information and to be honest, she had a hard time.

" Daniel didn't have a good record with girlfriends before you. His mother wanted him to become a true man. You met Daniel when he was 22, I met him when he was 20. Mary, his mother, had brought Daniel to the brothel and she had asked a young experienced girl, she chose me. They put us in a room and they ordered me to have sex with him even if he doesn't want to. Daniel didn't want to have sex, he told me that he wanted his first time to be with someone special. I respected his wish risking my own life. I didn't want to rape him and we worked together to fake our meetings. I explained to him what I was supposed to do to him and how he was supposed to react and feel. Then, I make him a little sweaty, he had push-ups on the floor. We spent the rest of the hour talking. He promised that he would keep visiting me, offering me an hour to relax, an hour to feel human, an hour without being raped and he kept his promise. After a while, we become friends. We spent hours each week talking and laughing. After a year I trusted him with my real identity and he picked up my nickname, he didn't want to call me Sasha anymore. Then, you came in picture. I asked him to leave and never come back, I told him that hanging out in a brothel wasn't a good idea if he had a relationship. I was extremely happy about him and I didn't want to ruin his relationship but he kept visiting and he shared your happiness with me. He told me that his girlfriend wanted to see me but I made it clear that I didn't want to meet her and put her in danger especially then that the plan for my escape was ready to be put in motion. I agreed to meet you when I was out of the brothel." Alex replied. She had promised Nikita the truth and she was going to keep her promise.

Alex took a deep breathe.

" One day, he came and he was scared. He told me that you kept secrets from him and he had the feelings that you might have problems with bad guys. He didn't know what to do. He was afraid that something bad would happen to you. His feeling didn't change for a long time. It only got worse. One night he told me that he might have been followed. I told him to take you away and run, I ordered him not to look back and run far away from everything and everyone, live the life that he wanted with you. He never had the time to do so." Alex added sadly.

Nikita was in complete shock, tears falling from her eyes. She didn't know what to think or what to do. She was just shocked.

" When I learnt that he was drown, I knew that he was murdered because he had had swimming lessons and he loved swimming and I moved closer the timetable of my escape. I had made two promises and I wanted to keep them. I escaped and I started looking for you. Soon I gave up because I didn't know anything more than your nickname ' my light' and that wasn't enough of a lead." Alex finished her thoughts.

" What promises?" Nikita managed to ask after awhile.

" To deliver a message and then avenge his death." Alex replied and stared at Nikita, her eyes shining full of emotions.

" I don't understand." Nikita said honestly.

" I promised to deliver a message to you and then kill you." Alex retorted seriously.

" What message?" Nikita asked softly.

" Give me a minute because I am trying to remember his exact words..._my light, if you get this message then I have probably died. I don't know how or when but I know why and I need you to know that I don't regret it. I don't regret falling for you, I don't regret loving you, I don't regret wanting a life with you. I don't blame you for my death and I don't want you to blame yourself, either. The only thing that I regret is that I wasn't able to protect you. I don't know who those people are but they aren't good. I want you to run, baby, I want you to take care of yourself, I want you to be careful and stay safe. Please, I love, please take care of yourself. I love you.._ I think that those were his words." Alex replied.

Nikita had fell on her knees now sobbing uncontrolably. She couldn't believe what Alex had just told her. None would ever understand how much she appreciated what Alex had just done for her, she had pulled away a great part of her guilt, knowing that Daniel didn't regret their love was a cure for her broken heart.

Alex knelt down next to Nikita and hold her face in her hands forcing Nikita to look at her.

" I am really sorry that I didn't make the connection sooner. I am really really sorry. He loved you more than everything and he didn't blame you, he never regretted his feelings. You were his entire life. I am sorry, Nikita." Alex whispered with her own tears running down to her cheeks.

" Thank you, Alex. Thank you." Nikita kept saying and launched herself to Alex hugging her tightly.

Nikita pulled apart after a while and looked at Alex.

" This is why you stopped talking to me?" Nikita asked seriously.

" Yes. When Amanda put that cranio needle in my brain, I relived some of my memories, the ones that made me feel afraid and scared. One of them was the day that Dan gave me this message. He accidentally mentioned the begining of your name ' Ni..'. The time passing, I have forgotten this detail and I was blind in my research for you. I stopped talking to you because Nikita, I have promised to kill you and avenge his death. My feelings for the woman who caused Daniel's death were so complicated that I couldn't handle them. I loved her because Daniel loved her, I wanted her to be happy because she had made Daniel happy but I hated her because she was the reason why Daniel died, she was the reason why I lost one more person that I loved, my big brother. Knowing that you were this person isn't exactly easy to deal with. It took me ages to deal with the fact that you killed my father, your connection with Daniel's death is just too much to handle." Alex replied.

" I am sorry, Nikita. I had no right to withdraw that information from you, I had no right to postpone the deliver of this message. I am sorry." Alex apologized honestly to Nikita.

" No, Alex. Don't be sorry. You had every right to take some time to compose yourself, you had every right. Thank you for sharing this with me, thank you for remembering Daniel's words, thank you for offering me this truth. Thank you, Alex." Nikita replied seriously. She didn't want Alex to blame herself for something that she didn't do wrong. Alex had every right to be upset. She had every right to take her time. Nikita wouldn't blame her even if she had never told her this truth. Alex wasn't obligated to follow Daniel's wish but she did and Nikita would always be grateful to Alex for that.

Alex nodded and moved her hands to her pocket picking the two bracelets. She handed one of them to Nikita.

" I think that he would love you to have this." Alex explained seriously.

Nikita glared down at her hands and she was surprised to see a very familiar bracelet ' BIG BROTHER'. She smiled softly and looked back at Alex.

" How did you get this?" Nikita asked confused.

" The last time that I saw him, I told him that I would escape in two weeks and that I wanted him to stop visiting so that nobody is going to come after him. He told me that if he couldn't be next to me then I had to promise him that I would let a piece of him to keep me company and he gave it to me. He died after 4 days and I escaped immediately after I learnt about his death. I screwed the plan, I had a mission to complete." Alex replied calmly.

Nikita let a small laugh to escape her lips.

" So you forgot about your plan and you just ran away?" Nikita asked quietly amused with Alex's way of thinking.

" Something like that." Alex replied seriously and her face darkened.

" What happened? Did you get out successfully?" Nikita asked worried noticing Alex's dark now features.

" Yes, I got out. But as I said, I didn't follow the plan and that had its cnsequences." Alex replied and looked away.

" Alex? What is wrong?" Nikita asked scared of Alex's denial to be clear with her.

" I don't really know. Everything happened so quickly. Guards started chasing me and I knocked one of them out. I took his gun and I kept running. Julian stepped out of a room and started yelling to his men. The whole security section was after me. They wanted me dead or alive. They kept shooting at my direction, two of their bullets found their target, I was bleeding to death but I kept running. After a while, they lost me. I had lost a lot of blood and I had startedd to feel dizzy. But I couldn't let myself to die before I completed my mission. I entered a pharmacy and I took two people hostage. They didn't have to help me, I have dropped my gun after 5 minutes when I couldn't stand to see their scared faces. I collapsed on the floor breathing heavily, slowly dying in front of them. One woman decided to help me and they saved my life. They offered me home but I was too near to the brothel and I didn't want to put them in danger so I ran away." Alex said her story.

" I never wanted to endanger their lifes. I kept tabs on them and they are fine but I will never forgive myself for endangering them, not after what Julian had promised to do." Alex added seriously and stood up.

She took out the other bracelet " LITTLE SISTER" and moved towards Daniel's grave. She knelt down before it.

" No flowers as I promised, big brother. I love you." Alex said and let the bracelet on the grave. She took two minutes to give her respects to Daniel and then she left walking back to Nikita.

" I will wait in the car." Alex informed her and walked away.

Nikita glared at her confused. The sudden change of mood had caught her out off guards. She couldn't understand why Alex was suddenly cold and distand again and she wanted to know what happened with Julian and why Alex was so scared. She sighed defeated. She would ask Alex later about that.

She put the bracelet on her wrist and walked towards Daniel's grave.

" You are right I would have liked your little sister. I will take good care of her, Daniel. I promise that I will protect her with my life, I know how important she is for you and I love her, Daniel. I do love her. She is important to me, too. She is the reason that I am still alive. I love you, Daniel. Goodbye for now." Nikita said firmly and kissed her bracelet.

Nikita took a deep breathe and moved to join Alex in the car.

" I love you." Nikita said seriously and closed the door while Alex started the machine.

Alex didn't say anything. She just headed back to Division.

After awhile a memory flashed through Nikita's mind and she looked at Alex in shock.

" You were Daniel's first, weren't you? He told me that his first time was with his best friend and he will never forgive what he did and said to her." Nikita said in shock and stared at Alex.

" Yes. He lost his virginity with me." Alex replied sadly. She didn't want Nikita to learn that she had slept with her fiancee but she didn't have the right to keep that from her.

" Did he .. did he rape you?" Nikita cocked feeing nauseau at the thought.

" Why did he regret what he did to you? What did he do to you?" Nikita yelled in the brick of insanity.

Alex pulled the car over. She couldn't keep driving and having Nikita yelling like that. She needed to explain what happened.

" He didn't rape me. He didn't force himself inside me but it wasn't something that I did with my free will, too." Alex replied seriously.

" And he regretted this night because there is one thing that it can hurt me more than the fact that I was a sex slave itself" Alex added.

" What is that?" Nikita asked confused. What the hell could be worst than the fact that someone was raped repeatedly from a large amount of people?

" My friends think of me like a whore. I have started to get used to it but it still hurts." Alex replied sadly.

Nikita felt like she was being stabbed in the heart. She had called Alex a whore and she had seen that she had hurt Alex but she had never thought that it would hurt her more than the fact itself. And unfortunately, Nikita wasn't the only one that she had hurt Alex like that. Meredith had called her whore a few hours ago accusing her for sleeping with Tom.

" Anyway, after his mother died, he got drunk and he felt guilty for lying to his mother about his... experience. He wanted to fulfill his mother's wish and he come to the brothel. We had sex. After that our relationship was absolutely broken. He tried to apologize but I was too hurt to listen. If he wanted to have sex, he could have just asked me. I would have made him enjoy. I had made strangers to enjoy, I wouldn't have problem to make a friend enjoy. But he didn't just want to have sex. He wanted to fuck a whore and he did it... He paid more than he had to and he left. After weeks, I gave up and I listened to him. I couldn't see him anymore so sad and I let him approach me again." Alex explained and rage was obvious in her voice. Even the memory could hurt her.

Nikita was staring at Alex with wide teary eyes.

" It didn't mean anything, Nikita. It was just a fuck that he had because he was in pain. It was meaningless. You were the one to who he made love for first time in his life." Alex added softly.

Nikita was in complete shock.

" How old were you then?" Nikita asked in complete shock.

" I think 15." Alex replied honestly. She didn't want to think of how Nikita must feel right now.

" Nikita, please, say something." Alex begged after a while.

" He was sorry, Alex. I am sorry. He told me that he would never forgive himself for what he said to you that night and that he didn't understand how you managed to forgive him and give him a second chance. He was really really sorry, Alex" Nikita replied not knowing what to say.

" I know. It is ok, Nikita. I have moved fward. Are you ok?" Alex retorted worried.

" I am not mad at you for having sex with Daniel, if this is what you want to ask" Nikita replied.

" No. It isn't what I want to know. I can't do anything for the past. I want to know if you are okay." Alex said firmly and stared at Nikita.

" I guess that you were right, I wasn't ready for the truth and I know that we haven't touched the subject of Amanda and Julian yet and you were right it is difficult to handle those things. But, I am glad that you share it with me. The good and the bad things, thank you Alex for offering me the truth." Nikita replied seriously.

" If you need to talk or anything, you only have to call me." Alex replied and smiled to Nikita.

" Let's go back to Division and continue the conversation with the other parts of the truth" Nikita said seriously and Alex obeyed.

They drove in silence for about half an hour and they were back at Division. They exited the garage and they were about to head to Alex's recruit bedroom and continue their conversation when they saw Sonya pacing nervously up and down the hall.

" Sonya?" Alex questioned softly.

" Thank God. Where the hell did you two go?" Sonya shouted relieved.

" Is everything all right?" Nikita asked worried.

" Yeah yeah sorry. Amanda called 15 mins ago and she refuses to turn off the call until she speaks with Alex. She is creepy silent and she is studying our movements closely and everytime she opens her mouth, she does so to tease Sean and Michael." Sonya explained the situation quickly.

" What does she want this time?" Nikita asked frustated and glared at Alex, who turned around and headed to operations with Nikita and Sonya on her heels.


	29. Chapter 29

" What does she want this time?" Nikita asked frustated and glared at Alex, who turned around and headed to operations with Nikita and Sonya on her heels.

* * *

The girls froze when they heard Amanda teasing Michael.

" She would never marry you, Michael. She would always have another mission. She would never stop to have a life with you." Amanda said satisfied that she could hurt Michael like that.

Alex frustated opened the door to operations with force and stepped foward walking towards Michael.

" I will make it sure that they will send you an invitation, Amanda" Alex said and gave a reassuring gaze to Michael, who smiled softly.

" What do you want this time?" Nikita asked coldly with gritted teeth and joined the others.

" No need to hurry up." Amanda replied softly and smiled evilly.

" Can I consider this call your turn, Amanda?" Alex asked softly not wanting to give Amanda the satisfaction that she was getting to them.

Amanda turned her attention to Alex and smiled.

" We will talk about this later. Someone wants to talk to you first." Amanda said calmly and made herself comfortable on her chair gesturing to someone to step foward.

" Hello, Alexandra." A man said coldly and smiled.

Nikita stared at the man and felt scared. She didn't know why but this figure made her feel nauseau and fear. His gaze was empty and dark. His feature emotionless and tough. He was her picture of evil.

" Julian." Alex greeted as calmly as she could and tried to keep her voice unaffected from her feelings.

Nikita looked at Alex with wide eyes and then back at the face of the man. That was Julian? Now, she could understand why Alex was so upset and scared. Nikita wanted badly to move closer to Alex and put her in her hug, keep her safe and away from this monster but she knew better than that, so she remained silent.

" You played a dangerous card, Alexandra. You have balls." Julian commented with hate.

Alex remained silent not wanting to give a continue to this conversation. She didn't want the others to know about what she did and she didn't want to talk about it.

" You have your deal. I will stay away from the others and you will stay away from my family." Julian added when Alex didn't reply.

" I have no reason to go after your family, if you stay away from them and you provide me a fair game. Beside that I really liked your wife and your youngest daughter, I wouldn't find pleasure in hurting them." Alex replied seriously.

" Don't you dare talk about them." Julian yelled frustated.

" I have only one question; how can you look in the eyes your daughters?" Alex exclaimed with disgust obvious in her voice.

" You got what you deserved, Alexandra. You were a nothing and I made you a queen!" Julian replied seriously.

Alex glared at him in shock.

" You are sick." Alex commented simly unable to find the right words to illustrate her feelings toward Julian.

" This is the truth, Alexandra. I made you a queen, your wish was their command, every girl inside the brothel respected you and looked after you, you were the most expensive whore in the brothel's history and you threw it all running away when you got the chance." Julian replied coldly.

" You killed me. You created an emotionless monster. You turned me into a living dead. I was a heartless body for your use. I am sorry to disappoint you but I don't exactly appreciate what you did to me and my body." Alex retorted with hate trying to remain calm. She couldn't believe that she was having this conversation in front of Sean, she wanted to shut Julian up and protect Sean from the pain of her past but she couldn't. She was powerless.

" I didn't do anything to you. Nikita did." Julian said and smiled to Nikita.

Nikita glared at Alex hurt.

" I don't remember Nikita raping me or torturing me." Alex replied seriously to Julian and turned her attention to Amanda.

" This game is getting old. I don't know what exactly I must do to make you understand that I don't blame Nikita for my past. You are better than that, find a new way to torture her rather than her past guilts. I am getting bored." Alex mentioned coldly and Amanda smirked to her.

" Why change the tactic when it works so wonderful. I can break her and I am not even there to do so. Her guilt will eat her up from the inside and you will be unable to do anything to help her after today. I win." Amanda replied coldly as ice.

" After today?" Michael asked worried. He had learnt through the years to take Amanda's threats into account.

" After today Nikita won't be able to look at Alex in the eyes. Nikita's guilt will destroy their relationship forever. All I had to do was to find the correct ally and Julian is the best for this job." Amanda replied calmly and smiled, a smile that causes fear to everyone knowing exactly what there is under this mask.

" I broke you, Alexandra and I will do it again. Do you know what would be the difference this time?" Julian said coldly.

" Enlighten me." Alex replied equally coldly.

" I won't stop. I will break you again and again and again. I won't stop. You will fall for me and I will torture every single breathe of yours out of your fucking body. I won't stop till the day you die. And the funny part will be that you will love me." Julian explained.

" Love you? Do you even know what does this word mean? I will never fall for you, Julian, not even if Amanda gives me another brain surgery." Alex retorted disgust.

" Come on, Alexandra. Admit it, you dream of me. Every single night when you don't have control of your sub-conscious, your mind travels to our wonderful nights." Julian taunted Alex.

" I am still in a better position than you are. You might haunt some of my nights but I haunt your entire life. You never gotten over the fact that someone managed to escape your claws. You are obsessed." Alex retorted angrily but calmly.

" Do you remember what day is today?" Julian asked.

" 17th of July. What is so special with this day?" Sean interrupted.

" Sasha's birthday." Alex whispered sadly.

" Do you remember Sasha's 14th birthday, Alexandra? If you don't, I have something that can help you remember." Julian said threateningly and show a little CD to Alex.

Alex's eyes immediately filled with tears and she walked towards Sean with shaking foot. She stopped inches away from him.

" Leave." Alex ordered him quietly.

" Why?" Sean asked confused.

" Please, Sean. Leave. I don't want you to see the video. I beg you just leave." Alex begged.

" I want to be by your side, Alex. No matter what. I am here for you." Sean retorted.

" I know it, Sean. I know but I don't want your mind to flash back to those images every time that you touch me. Please." Alex pleaded devastated.

" What is on the video?" Sean whispered worried.

" Rape and torture. Please. Leave." Alex replied honestly.

" If this is what you want. I love you, Alex" Sean said and bent to kiss Alex's lips.

Alex returned the kiss and Sean started walking away. He stopped on the door and turned to see Alex once last time. He froze when he saw the image of a young girl tied up on a wooden 'X' and obviously beaten up.

" Now, Sean." Alex ordered and pain was obvious in her voice.

" I love you" Sean mouthed and obeyed.

" Michael, Sonya, Birkoff, follow Sean, now" Alex ordered when the image of Julian started walking towards the tied girl.

Michael, Sonya and Birkoff obeyed immediately understanding what was coming and knowing too well that Alex wouldn't want them to see her like that. Michael thought of Alex like a daughter and Sonya and Birkoff were siblings to her and none wanted to see a family member being raped and tortured so they obeyed.

Alex sighed in relief and walked towards Nikita.

" You, too. Leave, Nikita." Alex said firmly.

Nikita turned to look at her while Julian's figure said " _Make me enjoy and it is over_"

" No. I need to see that. I am not leaving." Nikita replied seriously.

" Please. You didn't cause this. Julian did. Please. Leave." Alex insisted.

" I am not leaving. We will see the video together and we will talk later. Please, understand." Nikita retorted and Alex nodded defeated.

She knew that Nikita was too stubborn and she couldn't do anything right now, so she just moved closer, took Nikita's hand in her and kept it tightly, she brought it up to her mouth and kissed it.

" I love you" Alex said honestly and squeezed Nikita's hand.

Then Nikita turned her attention to the video while Alex studied Nikita's features ready to step foward and stop her from looking to the video if it got too much for her to handle.

_"Happy Birthday Sasha." Julian smiled down at her. _

_"They tell me, that you've not been cooperating. Naughty girl… naughty, naughty, naughty." He shook his finger back and forth as he paced in front of her._

_ " You are strong, I must admit it. Your time here… would be much more enjoyable, if you'd just give in." He smiled brushing the skin on Alex's neck with his fingers in a suggestive manner following the curve of the neckline to her chest._

_Alex refused to look at him and Julian annoyed with her attitude slammed her hard on the face cutting her lip._

_"Every wild horse can be broken." Julian commented and gestured to his men._

_Alex felt a sharp jab into her arm and realized that one of Julian's men had just injected her with something. He smiled evilly to Alex._

_"I've just given you something to temporarily paralyze you. You will be fully conscious, feel everything, but won't be able to move or speak." The man stated without any emotion in his voice. He nodded to the men and they untied Alex and threw her on the cold cenement_

_Alex shallowed hard and sank into fear understanding what was coming next. She was used to this kind of torture now but she hated it. _

_" According to your file, you were born exactly 14 years ago. My present to you, my dear Sasha, is something little. My guards are so excited to have you here, 14 guards, one for every year of your life. Come on guys. Enjoy yourselves." Julian instructed firmly._

Nikita felt nauseau watching the video. When Alex told her that Julian was creative, she had never imagined something so evil and twisted. She wanted to stop the video now but she couldn't, she wanted to hurt Julian, made him pain for what he did to Alex but she couldn't, she felt powerless. She was sick and she felt more and more guilty about what she had caused to Alex. She thought that she had seen enough but nothing could prepare her for what was coming next.

Nikita watched with horror in her eyes as the first guard approached Alex's limb body.

___The guard gently grabbed the top of her pants, hesitating a moment to caress the soft skin of her stomach with his fingers. Then, he took both hands and violently ripped her pants off. He undid his trousers; pants falling to his knees, grabbed Alex's hips forcefully and proceeded, in violating her in the worst way a woman could be violated. He reached under Alex's shirt forcefully grabbing her breast. It wasn't enough and he ripped her shirt down the middle, exposing her fully and a roar surged through the room and the guards could be seen smiling at her naked form waiting patiently for their own turn._

___With his hand slammed Alex's face forcing it to the side facing another camera. Pain, anger, and sheer-torment could be seen racing through Alex's baby blue eyes, her eyes spoke volumes for what her mouth couldn't say. Tears were running freely from her eyes to the cold floor. As his assault continue Alex's gaze slowly turned empty and dark, Nikita could sense Alex's soul being slowly ripped away from her body. Her gaze was now empty of any emotion, it was the gaze of a dead person. Alex was dying from the inside._

Nikita watched disgust Alex being raped mercilessly as another guard stepped foward and then another and another... Without a second thought, she took her hand away from Alex feeling unworthy of Alex's love and affection.

" Your eyes..." Nikita whispered when another man stepped towards and started to have his way with Alex.

Alex decided that it was time to step foward and stop Nikita. Slowly but with sure steps, she moved towards and blocked Nikita's view to the man who assaulted Alex's body. Nikita kept her eyes locked to Alex's empty and emotionless eyes on the screen.

" Your eyes..." Nikita repeated again unable to form any other kind of word.

Alex grabbed Nikita's shoulders and shaked her.

" Look at me, Nikita" Alex shouted when Nikita didn't turn her gaze from the screen.

" Look my eyes, Nikita" Alex yelled again trying to gain Nikita's attention.

Nikita slowly turned her gaze to Alex's eyes.

" Can you see life in them?" Alex asked softly.

" Your eyes..." Nikita repeated and lifted one hand to cup gently Alex's face and then she turned her gaze away again.

" Nikita, look my eyes now." Alex ordered seriously scared that Nikita was in too much shock.

Nikita obeyed.

" What can you see?" Alex asked curiously.

" Life." Nikita replied and gave Alex a small hesitant smile.

" That's right. There is life in my eyes and you know why?" Alex continued and felt her own eyes burning with unshed tears.

Nikita shook her head negatively.

" Because of you. I am alive again because you came in my life giving me back my soul. I am alive thanks to you." Alex replied softy and kissed Nikita's palm.

As soon as the two women ended their conversation, the last man ended his attack and Amanda's and Julian's faces popped back on the screen.

" Did you enjoy your gift, Alexandra?" Julian asked sarcastically.

Alex gave him a murderous gaze but Nikita was the one who replied.

" I don't know why Alex hasn't killed you yet but if you hurt her again, I will kill you." Nikita said with hate in her voice.

" The only person who continuously hurt Alex is you, Nikita. Not Julian, not me, YOU" Amanda commented and laughed evilly.

Nikita remained silent not knowing what to say. Amanda was right. She was the one who had made a habit to break Alex's heart.

" Don't fall for her mind games." Alex whispered in Nikita's ears sensing her sadness.

Amanda smiled satisfied seeing Nikita in pain and Alex on the edge.

" It is your turn now, Alex." Amanda said and cut off the call with Division.

" I am not falling for Amanda's mind games, I am falling for the truth." Nikita commented sadly and walked out of the operations.

Alex sighed defeated and ran after Nikita.

" Nikita, wait!" Alex yelled when Nikita started walking faster and faster.

Nikita opened a door and entered a recruit room figuring out that this talk was something that it had to be done. Alex took a deep breathe and followed Nikita to the room closing the door behind her.

" Tell me that Amanda was wrong. Tell me that you didn't despise me when they were hurting you like that. Tell me that you didn't want revenge from the killer of your father. Tell me that you didn't hate me." Nikita yelled on the brick of break down.

" Nikita..." Alex started in an attempt to calm her down.

" NO! LOOK ME AT THE EYES AND TELL ME THAT YOU DIDN'T HATE ME!" Nikita ordered.

" I can't.." Alex whispered after some seconds and looked down staring at the floor.


	30. Chapter 30

" Tell me that Amanda was wrong. Tell me that you didn't despise me when they were hurting you like that. Tell me that you didn't want revenge from the killer of your father. Tell me that you didn't hate me." Nikita yelled on the brick of break down.

" Nikita..." Alex started in an attempt to calm her down.

" NO! LOOK ME AT THE EYES AND TELL ME THAT YOU DIDN'T HATE ME!" Nikita ordered.

" I can't.." Alex whispered after some seconds and looked down staring at the floor.

* * *

Nikita nodded hurt but in understanding and turned her back to Alex walking away from her. She appreciated Alex's honesty but she couldn't control the unbearable pain that she felt hearing Alex basically admitting that she hated Nikita for her past.

" You should better leave" Nikita commented turning to look at Alex with watery eyes.

" I don't think that this is an option. We will talk about it, I am not giving up on us wihout a fight." Alex retorted firmly.

" There is nothing left to discuss. You hate me for what I caused you and you have every right to do so. I understand." Nikita replied sadly.

" No Nikita, you don't understand. You have no idea how it feels to hate the person that you love the most." Alex yelled.

" Of course and I hated the killer of my father, Nikita. No matter what, he was my father! And I was totally broken and hurt when I learnt from Percy that my best friend, the person that I trusted with my life had kept a secret like that from me. You had lied to me, Nikita. You had looked at my eyes and lied! You didn't have the courage to tell me the truth not even when I talked to you about my nightmares. You lied to me, you broke my trust and that pained me! Learning the truth from Percy was the worst pain I have gone through in my life but I got over that. Why can't you move foward too?" Alex added sadly and stared at Nikita. She paused and took a deep breathe calmling herself down.

" Amanda was right, Alex. I am the one who hurts you continuously since the very first day that I met you, the night of operation Pale Fire. Have you even forgiven me, Alex or a part of you still hates me?" Nikita replied hurt.

" I am not going to lie to you about my feelings, Nikita. Yes, I used to hate the killer and I used to want revenge, I used to despise the person who murdered my father in front of my eyes, but I was always grateful to the person who saved my ass even if my life was turned into a living hell. I never blamed you about what happened to me after you saved me. I never hated you for saving me but I did hated the killer." Alex said softly. She didn't want this conversation to end up a heated fight and she was struggling to keep her tone calm and soft.

" When I learnt the truth, a part of me wanted to hate you. I wanted to hate you but I couldn't. My life was a constant internal battle. I wanted to hate you but I loved you, I wanted to take revenge but I wanted to forgive you, too. It wasn't easy to make a choice. But soon I realised that when I hurt you, I hurt myself, too. I didn't want to see you in pain, I didn't want you to suffer. I would have given up my life without a second thought for you even when we were in enemies sides... I tried so much to hate you, to persuade myself that you were nothing to me and make you suffer but I failed. I spend nights trying to bring myself to hate you, but I C-O-U-L-D-N'-T." Alex added firmly.

" You shot me, I thought that you hated me but I still couldn't hate you. I am not going to apology for loving you so much that I can't hate you. I know that I didn't react like every normal person, but I am not normal, Nikita, I was never normal and you should have known better than to expect normal things from me. I chose to love you and move on. I forgave you a lot time ago for everything. Why do you still doubt me? What must I do to prove you that I am by your side for real, without hidden agentas, without subpressed feelings? " Alex requested desperately. She was tired of trying to make understand that she didn't hate her. She didn't know what to do anymore to put some sense into Nikita's mind. She had taken a damn bullet for Nikita but Nikita still had difficulty to accept the unconditional love of Alex.

" Why Alex? How can you just forgive me? How you can forgive the person who destroyed your life? You were raped and tortured in the worst possible ways because of me, you have nightmares of me and because of me, you have gone through hell because of me, you had your soul ripped away from your body every day of your life because of me. I have betrayed you and your trust, I have hurt you with my own bare hands but you still forgive me... How can you just move on? How Alex?" Nikita retorted with pain evident in her voice.

The video of Sasha's birthday had rocked her world. Seeing Alex's younger self being tortured and raped mercilessly because of her choices had killed her. She couldn't look at Alex's eyes anymore. Everytime that she looked at Alex's eyes, images of Sasha's emotionless, empty eyes of the video flashed through her mind. She wanted to fight her guilt, but she couldn't. She couldn't manage to handle her guilt and it eat her up from the inside. She loved Alex with all her heart, she was the most precious person in her life and she had caused her so much pain. How Alex could forgive Nikita while Nikita couldn't forgive herself?

" Because I love you! I don't know why or how, I know that I love you and nothing can change that. I forgave you because forgiveness is part of love, I forgave you because I tasted the life hating you and I can't even stand the idea of spending my life with my heart filled with hate towards you, I forgave you because you gave me more than what you took away from me, you gave me love, family, my soul and my life back. I forgave you because I love you more than my own life. I forgave you because you are my mentor, my best friend, my big sister. I forgave you because I love you!" Alex shouted trying to illustrate some of her reasons.

She hoped that her words will leesen Nikita's pain and guilt. She wished that if Nikita understood what she meant for Alex then she would start healing herself knowing that she was forgiven for her past sins. And usually she could comfort Nikita and make her come around, out of her guilt mode, but not this time. Nikita's guilt had reached a new level. Hearing those words came out of Alex's mouth made Nikita's heart arching. She didn't want to be forgiven, she didn't want to be loved. Amanda's words kept echoing in her mind. Amanda had hit her target. Nikita's guilt was getting too much for her to handle.

" I can't do that. I am sorry, Alex, but I don't deserve your love." Nikita said firmly and started walking towards the door.

A few steps away from the door, Alex grabbed Nikita's arm and forced her to stop. Nikita didn't turn around to face Alex, she kept her face towards the door and her back turned at Alex.

" Let go off of me." Nikita ordered with gritted teeth. She didn't want Alex to touch her anymore, she felt like she was poisonous and she needed to protect Alex from her toxic effects, she needed to keep Alex away from her. For once in her life, Nikita had decided to protect Alex by keeping her away from her. She couldn't afford to cause any more pain to her little sister. It pained her more than she had imagined but she had to do it.

" Don't do this, Nikita. Please. Don't give up on us like that." Alex pleaded with tears in her eyes. After everything that they had gone through one stupid video was enough to break them. Amanda had succeeded, she had pushed Nikita's button like a maestro and Nikita's guilt was too high now to overpower. Alex didn't want to let Nikita run away from her. She couldn't lose her once again. She wanted her to fight for them.

Nikita tried to get rid off of Alex's hold on her palm but she failed. She turned around and pushed with force Alex's chest, but Alex was still standing there like a rock unaffected by Nikita's efforts.

" Let me go, Alex!" Nikita yelled frustated but Alex didn't listen to her.

Out of control Nikita pushed Alex away with all her force and immediately she ran away from Alex unaware of the impact of her attack. While Nikita walked out of the door running with tears on her face in the halls, Alex surprised from the force of Nikita's push lost her balance unable to stand on her sprained ankle and fell down hitting the side of her forehead on the sharp edge of the desk. She groaned in pain as she felt something hot and warm running to her face. She lifted her hand and touched her wound only to find out that she was bleeding. She tried to stand up and walk to medical but she felt dizzy and sat back down.

Meanwhile, in the hall Michael and Sean were talking anxious about their loved ones, when they saw Nikita running. Michael blocked her way and tried to take a hold on her but Nikita resisted.

" Leave me alone" Nikita yelled with pain in her voice and ran away from Michael.

Michael in shock glared at Nikita as she ran away and then at Sean.

" Alex" they said in union thinking that Alex would be able to answer their questions.

The two men started running in the opposite direction of Nikita. Their foot lead them to the recruit room, the door was opened and they decided to enter the room. They froze when they saw Alex sitting on the floor, her back resting on the wall and blood running from her forehead.

" Alex!" Sean gasped and ran to her girlfriend and knelt down next to her. Michael was standing still in complete shock.

" What happened?" Michael managed to ask.

" I lost my balance when Nikita pushed me and I fell." Alex whispered wth grave voice.

" Are you okay?" Sean asked worried as he applied pressure to her wound. Alex winced in pain.

" I could use some help to stand up and go to medical." Alex said softly and Sean lifted her body on his arms.

Michael and Sean took Alex to the medical and they waited for the doctor to come and inform them.

" She is going to be fine. She will feel a little dizzy but I think that she will recover completele" the doctor said and left the boys alone.

Michael looked at Sean with an apologetic look.

" I am sorry, man." Michael apologized for Nikita's actions.

" Go and talk to Nikita before she kills Alex the next time that she will lose her temper" Sean said angrily.

" Let's talk to Nikita together. Tom will stay with Alex." Michael replied and Tom came running to them.

" What happened?" Tom asked worried.

" Alex will explain. Take care of her. We will come back in a while." Sean replied and left with Michael in research of Nikita.

They found her in the training area taking her anger out on a punching bag.

" Nikita!" Sean yelled and Nikita stopped and turned around frustated.

" Sean, easy!" Michael ordered.

Sean took some steps towards Nikita.

" Go away, Sean" Nikita yelled and punched the bag one more time.

" Or else what? You will send me to the medical like Alex?" Sean asked harsh. He didn't want to be harsh with Nikita or make her feel more guilty but he couldn't control himself.

Nikita froze hearing what Sean had just said.

" What?" Nikita asked confused.

" Nikita, Alex is in medical." Michael said softly trying to maintain his calmness and prevent Nikita from running away again.


	31. Chapter 31

" Nikita, Alex is in medical." Michael said softly trying to maintain his calmness and prevent Nikita from running away again.

" What? Why?" Nikita shouted worried to death.

Michael glared at Sean who nodded that he should better tell her what happened. Michael could control Nikita better than Sean.

" Your force was too much for her sprained ankle to handle. She lost her balance and fell." Michael explained softly and tried to put a reassuring hand on Nikita's shoulder that she pushed off. Nikita's eyes filled with tear hearing Michael's explanation. She had failed Alex again.

" I hurt her again..." Nikita whispered with shaking voice and pain evident in her tone. She was supposed to take care of Alex, to not let anything happen to her but she had failed her, she had broken her promise to her. Alex had suffered all her life because of her. She had hurt the person who taught her how to love and trust again. She had hurt her light.

" It was an accident, Nikita." Sean tried to reason Nikita and minimize her emotional pain. She knew that Alex wouldn't want Nikita to beat herself up like that and as Alex wasn't there to comfort Nikita, he wasn't going to let her down, he was going to fight his anger and fulfil Alex's wish. Alex was his number one priority and he was determined to love her and be there for her all the time. And now what Alex needed was Nikita back in her arms and that was exactly what Sean would fight for. He would fight for his future-hopefully- wife's happiness.

" Caused by me. How is she?" Nikita cut Sean off not being ready to hear anyone saying that it wasn't her fault.

" She is fine. She cut her forehead and she is a little dizzy but she will recover in no time." Michael answered her question.

Every passing minute with this broken Nikita made him more worried. He didn't want to relive the last time that Alex and Nikita's relationship was broken. Nikita was like a living dead, alive but dead at the same time. Being away from Alex and not knowing if Alex was alive or dead was the worst torture for her and when he thought that things couldn't get any worse, Alex had turned into Division and Nikita was a total wreck. She couldn't sleep due to nightmares, she couldn't eat, she didn't care about living or dying on a mission. Shooting Alex and then seeing her again at the ball had ripped her heart away from her. She was dead from the inside. And while Nikita was falling apart piece by piece Michael was standing there trying to comfort her and hold her together. And now he was scared, really scared because Nikita had this gaze like the last time, Nikita was breaking again as her relationship with Alex did too. He couldn't stand watching Nikita selfdestructing one more time. He couldn't stand seeing his loved one, giving up like that. He was scared.

Nikita remained silent staring at the floor. She didn't know how to react. She didn't know if she should be next to Alex or give her some space to relax away from her poisonous effects. She wanted so badly to hold Alex in her hug and tell her that she loved her but she didn't feel worthy of doing so.

" It is not your choice." Sean commented softly.

Nikita lifted her head up and looked him with a questioning gaze.

" If she loves you or not. It is not your choice. It is hers and she had already made it. Why do you want to fight over that choice with her? You know that you can't do anything to make her hate you. So, why are you still here and not by her side, holding her hand and telling her that everything is going to be alright?" Sean explained calmly with gentle tone.

" I can't do that to her. I can't keep hurting her. You didn't see the video, Sean. Every scar on Alex's body is because of me, every bad memory is because of me, everything bad that had happened to her is because of me. If I stay by her side, I would cause her more pain." Nikita replied sadly. She was devastated.

" And it belongs to the past. Don't let your past rule your present or your future. She loves you, Nikita." Michael retorted firmly.

" You didn't see the video, Michael. You didn't see her gaze when... when..." Nikita let her sentence to trail unable to form any words suitable to describe the horror that she had watched.

" You are right, Nikita. We didn't see her gaze when she was being tortured and raped, we didn't see the video but we are seeing Alex's gaze now and it has life in it and fire and love. She had a rough past that she didn't even choose of it but she chose her present and she chose you to be a part of it. Don't run away from her, not now, not when she needs you the most. Please, Nikita. You are hurting her by pushing her away. Just give her a chance. Don't do that to your relationship with her. Please." Sean begged Nikita with tears in his eyes.

Nikita took a deep breathe. She wasn't ready to let her guilt to slow down but she knew that she didn't want to hurt Alex more. She needed to apologize for her forehead and make it sure that Alex was okay. After that she could take time to think about everything but for now Alex was in medical because of her.

" I will go to see her but I am not promising anything." Nikita informed the guys and ran out of the training area.

" It is a start." Sean said turning to Michael who gave him a soft smile.

* * *

Nikita walked towards medical lost in her thoughts. She stood still in her tracks when she heard voices from the inside. It was like someone lecturing someone else. She thought that Alex was alone but obviously she was wrong.

" What the hell is wrong with you? You were supposed to be safe here, Alex! But you aren't! It is like you are on the field again!" Nikita heard Tom semi-shouting, semi-whispering to Alex.

" It was a stupid accident Tom. There is no need to make it a big deal." Alex replied firmly.

" You know that I am not talking only about your head, Alex. We both know that Nikita didn't want to hurt you. I am talking about everything." Tom retorted angrily.

Alex sighed defeated.

" Your nightmares had gotten worse since we got here. If you are so scared why can't you just talk to someone about your dreams? I can't see you with dark circles under your eyes any longer, I can't see you breaking piece by piece in front of me. Do something. Talk to someone." Tom ordered worried.

" It isn't that simple." Alex argued calmly.

" Yes, it is. You will just have to talk and let it out. You were supposed to be safe, Alex. Being around the people that you love was supposed to take your pain away from you. Let them in. Tell them what exactly Amanda did to you in Ossetia, tell them what she used to make you suffer. Let them in. Don't let them know the half truth. Give them a chance." Tom pleaded scared that Alex was walkinng a path without return.

" Give them a chance to do what? To feel more pain? I don't want to talk about Ossetia because it will hurt them. I can't do that to them. And being around them is a cure itself, it proves me that what Amanda show me, will not turn into reality." Alex retorted angrily.

" It was supposed to take your pain away, Alex" Tom repeated sadly.

" If it was supposed to minimize my pain, Amanda wouldn't have bothered to send me here. My nightmares had gotten worse because I am hurting them, each and everyone of them, not because they are hurting me. I don't want to keep hurting them, Tom. I don't want to be the cause of their pain." Alex replied devastated.

" You are not" Nikita stated firmly and stepped into the room.

Alex's eyes grew wide seeing Nikita entering the room. She had probably heard the previous conversation and she would have questions to ask. Questions that Alex didn't want to reply, wasn't ready to reply.

Tom smiled softly relieved because now Alex would have to talk about Ossetia and because Nikita was there by Alex's side. No matter what, Nikita was there.

" I am going to talk with the team and let them know that you are okay." Tom stated and left the room before Alex could protest.

Alex looked at Nikita with sad gaze.

" I am sorry for pushing you so hard. I didn't mean to hurt you." Nikita apologized honestly not moving away from the door.

" It is nothing. It won't even leave a scar. It was an accident." Alex replied casually and smiled at Nikita.

Nikita nodded slightly still fighting with her guilt.

" Are you going to stand there on the door or join me on the bed?" Alex added curiously and moved to the upper side of the bed making space for Nikita to join her.

Nikita laughed with Alex's tone and took some steps closer to Alex. She took a deep breathe and she sat on the bed as far away from Alex as she could.

" Stubborn" Alex whispered and gave Nikita a soft smile that Nikita returned.

" Does it hurt?" Nikita asked and pointed her finger to Alex's forehead.

Alex looked Nikita in disbelief.

" As I said before it is nothing." Alex exclaimed trying to use her words wisely. She wanted to say that after bullets, stabs, rapes, torture etc a stupid cut wasn't even the cause of any pain but she knew that an answer like that will send Nikita to another guilt trip.

" You have been through much worsee in your life to feel any pain from a cut." Nikita explained Alex's enigmatic answer.

Alex sighed defeated. Nikita was too stubborn to let the subject down. She was there beside Alex but she was also under her guilt mode and she knew Alex too well to find the truth behind her words. Alex remained silent looking away from Nikita. She didn't know what to say to take Nikita's pain away from her.

" I know that you don't blame me, but I blame myself and I need you to understand Alex." Nikita said suddenly calmly.

" I do understand, Nikita." Alex replied and fixed her gaze on her foot.

" Then why could't you just let me go? Why did you fight me?" Nikita asked confused.

" Because I don't want to let you go. It is the past, Nikita. You need to start healing yourself and move on." Alex replied.

" What if I can't?" Nikita asked sadly.

Alex lifted her head and stared at Nikita.

" Then, I will keep fighting for you until you come around and stop looking at your past everytime that you look at me. Move on and get rid off of your past doesn't mean that I will stand by and watch you pushing me away because you see at me everything that you regret. I am not letting you go without a fight." Alex said firmly.

Nikita froze in shock from Alex's words. She didn't want to admit it but Alex personalised the impact of her previous life, when she was a ruthless murdered, a fellow agent who complied without asking and hearing Alex freely saying what she couldn't admit t herself was like a stab wound to her heart.

" I don't see at you my past, Alex" Nikita said softly trying to comfort Alex. She knew that she gave Alex that impression but it wasn't the truth. She didn't see her past, but the impact of it and she regretted her past.

" And what do you see, Nikita?" Alex retorted a little harsh.

" Correct me if I am wrong, but I think that you still see a broken girl, a sex slave, a slut who slept with 1378 men and 514 women- according to Amanda-, you see what Division was and you think that no matter what you do, you can't change because the past can't be changed." Alex added sadly.

" You aren't a slut!" Nikita shouted angrily. She couldn't stand the idea of Alex considering herself of a worthless whore.

" I can't change the past, Nikita. You can't change the past and I am sorry that my being reminds you of your past." Alex replied softly and looked down.

Nikita sighed defeated and she took a sit closer to Alex, unsure of how she should put her thoughts in words.

" I am not seeing a broken girl or a sex slave or my past when I was Division. I see a strong woman with a rough past, who has been through hell and she somehow survived without losing herself or her heart. I am not pushing you away because I see my past, I am pushing you away because you were hurt by my past and my present and I don't want you to get hurt from my future, too." Nikita said quietly and forced Alex to look up at her.

" I am pushing you away because I love you too much to let you suffer more because of me." Nikita added and looked deep into Alex's eyes. Her heart ached when she saw pure pain in them.

" If I suffer because my choices, it is my problem, not yours. My pain isn't caused by you, Nikita. Don't push me away just because you are afraid that I will suffer. Please, Nikita. After everything that we have gone through, don't let Amanda win like that because of our past. My gaze in the video, my pain when I was Sasha, everything, weren't caused by you. You didn't rape me or torture me. You want to blame someone, blame me for not cooperating and Julian for breaking me, but don't blame yourself. Please, Nikita. Don't push me away." Alex pleaded with teary eyes.

" You are pushing me away as well. I thought that your only secret was Daniel but obviously, you have more. When are you going to tell me the whole truth, Alex? Are you even going to tell me the truth someday?" Nikita said accusingly.

Alex gave Nikita a confused look.

" I heard Tom... What Amanda did to you, Alex? What really happened in Ossetia?" Nikita asked seriously.


	32. Chapter 32

**Hi guys. I am sorry that it took me a while. Grab pop corn, chips, a beer etc, fasten your seat belt and I hope that you like the next chapter. And guys, some of you have expressed the wish to kick my ass, please, for your best intrest don't kick my ass right now, I have to keep updating ;) ! I will wait for your reviews. Enjoy.**

" You are pushing me away as well. I thought that your only secret was Daniel but obviously, you have more. When are you going to tell me the whole truth, Alex? Are you even going to tell me the truth someday?" Nikita said accusingly.

Alex gave Nikita a confused look.

" I heard Tom... What Amanda did to you, Alex? What really happened in Ossetia?" Nikita asked seriously.

* * *

Alex's figure got pale like a ghost, memories of the past coming crushing down to her mind. She dropped her head down unable to look at Nikita and remained silent not knowing what she was supposed to do. Ossetia was something that she didn't want to talk about, especially with Nikita.

Nikita watched Alex turning her gaze away from her, she was busted. She had more secrets that she didn't want to talk about. But why? Why Alex was so unwilling to talk about Ossetia? Alex's silence made Nikita more and more worried. What Amanda did to her? And why Alex didn't come to Nikita?

" Alex, I wait for an answer." Nikita ordered trying to wipe her fear from her voice. Did she really want to hear what happened to Alex? Of course and she did but was she ready to hear it? No, she wasn't ready to hear it and she knew it because Alex was too close regarding this issue and that was never a good sign.

" Alex!" Nikita shouted when she didn't get any answers.

Alex didn't even blink her eyes. She expected Nikita's outbrust. She wanted to let it out, to let Nikita in but she didn't want to hurt her and she knew that if she told Nikita about Ossetia, she would hurt her.

" No. I wasn't planning to tell you what happened in Ossetia. I wanted the truth to be buried, let it die with me one day." Alex said coldly with hate and anger obvious in her voice thinking of her days with Amanda.

" Why?" Nikita asked confused. She had never heard Alex talk with so much hate for a period of her life, even when she was talking about her days as a sex slave, she could hold her temper and remain calm. But not now.

" Because it hurts too much. It hurts me to talk about it and it will hurt you or anyone else to listen to it. It just hurts." Alex replied and lifted her head to look at Nikita.

Nikita frowned seeing the pain in Alex's eyes. She didn't want to press Alex more seeing her in so much pain even in the thought of Ossetia but she knew that Alex had to talk about it, she had to free herself from this burden, she needed to take it out, share it with someone.

" I don't care if it hurts me. I want to be there for you. Don't push me away just because you are scared that I will be hurt. This isn't what you told me before? Show me the way, Alex. Follow your command and talk to me. Give me an example to follow, Alex. Talk to me. Let me in. Tell me what Amanda did to you. Share your pain with me." Nikita retorted softly sadly.

Alex looked at Nikita with watery eyes.

" We don't have to talk about it, Nikita." Alex argued calmly.

" I think that we do. Tom said that you are getting worse. We are not really close lately but I can tell that something is bothering you and it kills me that you feel uncomfortable to come and talk to me about it." Nikita replied with a pained tone.

Alex stood up walking away from Nikita.

" Maybe there is a reason why I didn't come to you, Nikita." Alex said as she walked away from Nikita and hugged herself trying to feel safe again as images of Amanda and what she did to her violated her mind.

" I know that I wasn't there, Alex. I know that I made mistakes, but you could have come to me. You could have kicked my ass for being a bitch. You could have done something better than shutting me down and run away." Nikita retorted angrily.

" I am not talking about that, Nikita. I am not talking about our relationship. I didn't come to you because I didn't know how to explain you the situation, how to explain you what Amanda did to me and why. I didn't come to you because I wanted to protect you from Amanda's sick game. I didn't come to you because I didn't know how to handle your reaction if you learn the truth about Ossetia. I didn't come to you because I didn't want to see the pain in your eyes. I didn't come to you because it was easier to deal with it alone. I didn't come to you because I didn't want to discuss it." Alex shouted annoyed and turned to glare at Nikita angrily.

Nikita looked at Alex in shock. She didn't expect an outbrust like that but maybe she had pushed Alex too much. Alex had kept Ossetia for herself for too long. Nikita didn't know exactly what had happened in Ossetia but she could tell now that it was really bad and it gave Alex a hard time to deal with it and move on. Nikita, now more than ever, wanted to know the truth, she needed to know from what exactly Alex tried to protect her so hard, she needed to know how much Amanda had hurt Alex.

" You have to discuss it, Alex. You have to let it out." Nikita whispered defeated.

" You already know a great part from my time with Amanda. She made me relive some of my memories. Why can't you just be satisfied with that and you want to know more?" Alex replied calmly this time.

" Because what it is left unspoken hurts you the most. You can't bury it, Alex. You have to let it out. You have to share it. In Greece they say that a happiness shared is a double happiness while a pain shared is a half pain. Let me take away some of your pain, Alex." Nikita pleaded with watery eyes.

Alex sighed defeated. Nikita was too stubborn to let the subject down and move on. Alex didn't want to fight with Nikita over that again. She was tired of fighting with Nikita. If Nikita wanted to learn the truth about Ossetia, then Alex would obey. She knew that it wasn't fair to make the decisions for Nikita. She didn't want Nikita to make the decisions for her and she knew that she had to fulfil Nikita's wish on this matter. But she hoped that Nikita would change her mind, would open her eyes to Alex's denial to talk about Ossetia and understand that Alex had remained silent because it was for Nikita's best. Alex didn't want to hurt Nikita, she just hoped that Nikita would change her mind. But she knew better than surrender to false hopes. Nikita was too stubborn.

" After Ossetia do you remember how I acted around you?" Alex asked and turned her gaze away from Nikita.

" You were cold and distant. You didn't want to talk to me or communicate with me more than it was necessary. You tried to stay as far away from as you could. You felt uncomfortable around me. You were careful always stressed up, never letting your guard down." Nikita said sadly and felt her heart aching and her eyes filled with tears remembering the period after Ossetia and how broken her relationship with Alex seemed to be.

" What about your touch? How I reacted to your touch?" Alex asked softly.

" You didn't want to be touched by me. Everytime that I would try to get a hold on you, you would push my hand away and leave." Nikita replied not knowing why Alex kept asking her this kind of questions and not just tell her what happened in Ossetia.

" Why?" Alex asked cooly.

" I don't know. Maybe you blamed me for Ossetia beccause I didn't have your back as I should have. Maybe you needed time to heal yourself. I don't know, I thought that you were mad at me." Nikita replied honestly.

Alex took a deep breathe. There wasn't an easy way to tell what she was about to tell.

" No, not mad. Afraid." Alex corrected Nikita calmly and looked at Nikita.

" What do you mean?" Nikita asked confused trying to understand what Alex had just said.

" I was afraid of your touch." Alex replied softly tryinng to keep her tone stable and herself composed.

Nikita looked at Alex confused. Why Alex would be afraid of her touch? She was in shock and confused, unable to understand what was going on.

" Why?" Nikita managed to ask after a while.

" Are you sure that you want to learn more, Nikita?" Alex asked quietly. She wanted so much Nikita to take her offer and not ask anything more. She wanted badly Nikita to back off even in the last minute.

Nikita just nodded thinking that her voice would give her away and reveal her fear and agony. Alex was afraid of her touch? Whatever it was what Alex had kept from her was obviously really bad.

Alex went and closed the door, she locked it and then moved to the windows and closed them too so that none from outside could see what was going on inside the medical.

" You asked for it, Nikita. I am sorry." Alex said and took off of her tank. She unclapsed her bras and used her top to cover her breast.

" What... what are you doing?" Nikita asked confused and swallowed hard trying to control herself seeing Alex stripping in front of her. She was straight but everyone could admit that Alex was gorgeous.

Alex smirked at her. " Don't worry, I am not going to jump on you." Alex said sarcastically and Nikita rolled her eyes amused.

Alex certainly knew how to lighten a situation.

" They are on the healing process." Alex informed and Nikita looked at her confused. What Alex was talking about?

" What are you talking about?" Nikita asked confused.

Alex took a deep breathe and slowly she turned around, her exposed back facing Nikita.

Nikita left a gasp seeing Alex's back. She couldn't believe what she was seeing. Alex's back was covered with scars and burns that formed several words.

" Do you mind if...?" Nikita let her sentence trailed.

Alex shook her head negatively and Nikita moved closer to her. She put her hand on Alex's back and trailed her fingers on her marks.

" Frustation. Hate. Betrayal. Hurt. Fear. Death." Nikita whispered as she trailed her fingers on Alex's scars.

" They will heal passing the time. Those won't leave a scar most likely." Alex informed Nikita.

" There are others that would leave scars?" Nikita asked worried and scared of the answer.

" One." Alex replied honestly, her back still facing Nikita.

" Can I see it?" Nikita asked feeling sad for Alex. What Amanda did to her was beyond imagination. Scratching those words on her body...

Alex let her tank to rest on the bed and put back her bras. She took a deep breathe and turned around to face Nikita, her upper body exposed.

" Pain." Nikita breathed and trailed her fingers on Alex's upper left breast, a little above from her heart.

" Why Amanda did that to you?" Nikita asked with hate in her voice.

Alex remained silent not knowing how to say what she was about to say. She needed time to compose herself and talk to Nikita.

" Why were you afraid of my touch?" Nikita asked quietly figuring out that Alex's silence had something to do with their begining point.

" Because Amanda didn't do any of these to me." Alex replied. She took a deep breathe.

" You, Michael and Sean did." Alex added sadly and sat back down on the bed defeated.

" I don't understand." Nikita stated firmly.

" When Amanda finished messing up with my memories and reprogrammizing me to take actions against you, she decided to enjoy herself a little more. I wasn't seeing Amanda and her allies but you, Sean and Michael. I had fought the influence of her brain surgery enough to know that it wasn't a reality but that didn't change what I was seeing. I knew that it wasn't you but I was seeing you, I never asked you to stop, I never called Amanda Nikita. I knew who was my torturor but I was seeing your face, your eyes." Alex started.

" I knew that it wasn't you but I spent two days being tortured by your figure, Sean's and Michael's. I needed time to adjust what had happened. This is why I didn't want you to touch me, because every time that you touched me, you reminded me of what Amanda did to me using your figure." Alex finished her explanation.

Nikita was in complete shock. Amanda had gone too far. She had crossed the limits.

" What did we do to you? Why those words? With what did we mark your body?" Nikita asked feeling nauseau. She tried to imagine how Alex must have felt being tortured by her loved ones, but she failed. The pain was too much to even imagine it.

" Sean would choose the words, Michael the tool and you would finish the job, choosing the place and scarring the word on my body." Alex replied honestly.

" What those words represent?" Nikita asked.

" What Amanda thinks that you have caused to my life." Alex said sadly.

Nikita backed off hurt.

" I don't agree with her. Please, don't start feeling guilty again. She was trying to break me, she wanted me to join her and she used every weapon in her hands to achieve that. Even Amanda knows that you have given me more than what you have taken from me. She did what she had to do, she twisted the reality to serve her goals. The reality isn't written on my back or chest." Alex exclaimed calmly but seriously.

" What tools did Michael choose?" Nikita asked. She was determined to learn the whole truth.

" For the back, knifes and heated metals, anything that could make the job be done quickly but painfully." Alex replied immediately.

" What about your chest?" Nikita pressed more.

" Nails" Alex replied softly.

" Why did I change my routine and scar you on your chest?" Nikita asked with a pained tone.

" You wanted me to look in your eyes when you scar the last meaning on me." Alex said and stood up walking towards Nikita, who backed off hurt.

" I have hurt you before. I have broken your hand and shot you. How did you know that it was Amanda and not me?" Nikita whispered ashamed of her past actions.

" You were too sadistic to be you. You have hurt me before but you never did so in order to establish your power or just to have fun. I know you better than that." Alex replied softly and lifted her hand holding opened in front of Nikita waiting for Nikita to take it when she is ready.

" But you were afraid of me when you came back." Nikita stated seriously.

" You wouldn't? Your touch had caused me pain. I was afraid of your touch, not of you." Alex replied.

" Why you didn't come to me Alex? Why you didn't talk to someone?" Nikita asked angrily.

Alex was about to answer when someone knocked the door.

" Open the door princess.." Birkoff shouted from outside.

Alex took her top and covered quickly her upper body and went to open the door.

" I have..." Birkoff said happily and froze when she saw Alex's semi naked body and Nikita's sad figure.

" You told her." Birkoff commented seriously.

" What do you have, nerd?" Alex asked not wanting Nikita to realise that Birkoff knew about Ossetia.

" I have the cure for your arm." Birkoff announced and smiled happily.

" Your team sent it in some minutes ago." Birkoff replied to Alex's confused gaze.

" Oh.." Alex said moved. She hadn't expected that they would keep working on that project while Alex was away.

" They had missed you." Birkoff informed Alex.

" I have missed them, too. I will see them tomorrow." Alex replied.

" Let's try the new cure." Alex suggested and Birkoff took out a syringe.

Birkoff moved closer before Alex could protest, he took her arm in his hands and pushed the needle inside her flesh.. Alex winced in pain but she didn't say anything.

" Good luck" Birkoff exclaimed thinking of how many failed attemps to find the cure had taken place previously.

" Yeah. I will need it." Alex commented casually.

" You knew? You knew about what Amanda did to Alex in Ossetia and you didn't tell me? You knew and you kept it away from me? I trusted you, nerd and you kept a secret like that from me? I trusted you." Nikita yelled frustated.


	33. Chapter 33

" You knew? You knew about what Amanda did to Alex in Ossetia and you didn't tell me? You knew and you kept it away from me? I trusted you, nerd and you kept a secret like that from me? I trusted you." Nikita yelled frustated.

She couldn't believe that Birkoff had kept something so important away from her. What was he thinking? Alex was afraid of her touch, she was acting weird, pushing everyone away and Birkoff knew why and he didn't tell her! Birkoff had comforted Nikita when she was sad because of Alex's behavior and he didn't tell her! He knew and he kept her in the dark. Frustated isn't a word strong enough to describe how Nikita felt.

" Nikita.." Birkoff started.

" You knew Birkoff! You knew what happened in Ossetia and you didn't tell me." Nikita said in a small voice accusingly.

" I asked him not to." Alex interrupted trying to defend Birkoff.

" Why?" Nikita asked hurt and collapsed on the bed defeated.

" It wasn't his place to tell you. I decided to keep it a secret and he didn't have the right to make any other decision for me." Alex replied calmly. She didn't want Nikita and Birkoff to fight over her decisions.

" You told Birkoff.. Why didn't you come and tell me what had happened!?" Nikita asked a little harsh.

" I didn't tell him anything. He saw the scars." Alex replied softly and sat down next to Nikita.

" How the hell did he see the scars under your tanks!? You had to strip yourself in order to show me the scars. How did he see the scars?" Nikita asked confused.

" Two days after I come back, he demanded that we would talk. I didn't want anymore trouble so I agreed. We were in his room and he started yelling at me for being a bitch to you and the others. I didn't know how to reply to him, I was silent and he got scared that I was travelling back to Ossetia in my mind, so he hit my back a little to pull me out of my thoughts. The wounds were fresh and sore and his hit caused me to jump up from the pain. He looked at me confused and I told him that I was just lost in my thoughts. I was about to leave his room when he stopped me. One of my wounds had been reopened by his hit and blodd had started covering my tank turning from white into crimson color." Alex paused and took a deep breath.

" She still didn't want to tell me what was going on. So I told her that I would call you. She changed 3 thousand colors and she agreed to talk to me only if I promised her that I wouldn't tell you anything." Birkoff continued the story giving some minutes to Alex to compose herself.

" He took me to the medical and had someone taking care of my wounds. He took a look at the scars too, but he couldn't stand the view so he left the room. As soon as the doctor finished with me, he came back demanding answers. I told him what Amanda did to me but I kept the ugly part for me. He pressed me more and finally I told him why I didn't want to be near to you or Sean or Michael. He understood and he kept my secret." Alex finished and smiled to Birkoff.

She was grateful that her nerd had fulfilled her wish and he hadn't gone running to Nikita.

" Why?" Nikita asked looking at Birkoff. Why did he keep that away from her?

" Because I know how it is to be hurt from someone that you love and care about and I know that you don't want them to know about it." Birkoff answered honestly. It was time to be honest with Nikita, even if he hurts her.

" You have tortured me, Nikita. I know how it feels." Birkoff replied to Nikita's questioning gaze.

Nikita's features darkened in realisation. She had never believed that Birkoff was still angry at her for that. She hadn't hurt him a lot physically but even the sense of being held hostage and tortured from your friend was enough of a trauma.

" I am ok now. I am not angry or anything but I could understand Alex." Birkoff replied trying to comfort Nikita.

" You know how it feels, too, Nikita." Birkoff added trying to lighten the mood and help Nikita to not go in another guilty travel.

" No, I don't." Nikita said ashamed. She had hurt so many people, even those who were close to her...

" I think that you do. Just remember how you felt when I shot you and then left you alone, vulnerable and weak, to deal with Roan." Alex retorted softly, pain evident in her voice.

Nikita stood up and walked away from Alex as memories of that day came crushing down on her mind. It was the day that she had lost Alex from her side.

_" I don't think that this is going to work" Alex said with a firm voice and lifted a gun at Nikita's back._

_Nikita turned around to ask 'why" but she froze when she saw the gun pointed at her._

_" If I am going to die, I want to know... Did you do it?" Alex asked with shaking voice._

_" Alex, what are you talking about?" Nikita asked confused._

_" Did you kill my father?" Alex asked with a voice full of emotions._

_"Put the gun down," Nikita tried to say as calmly and rationally as she could, slowly walking towards her._

_"I want to hear you say it!" Alex screamed. The gun shook in her hands. Her eyes were filling up with tears that she tried hard to keep on the lease. Alex was about to explode. _

_As Nikita opened her mouth to begin explaining herself, she felt pressure, and something sent her to the ground. Alex shot her in her ribs. She shot Nikita…_

_Alex walked towards Nikita. Her feet pounded against the ground as she walked towards Nikita, and she fell to her knees by her side. She explained to Nikita what was going to do and injected with the drug._

_" Good luck and goodbye my friend" Alex said as Nikita's eyes slowly closed, tears running down her face as the drug took effect._

Nikita's gaze was fixed on the floor, her eyes full of tears.

" You still can't look at me when this issue comes up." Alex sighed hurt. She had made her point clear. Her decision had nothing to do with Nikita herself, it had to do with her emotions.

" You should have told me." Nikita ignored Alex's statement.

" Why? So that you can beat yourself up for something that it wasn't your fault? Or so that you can try fixing me? I was mad at you for Larissa, you were mad at me for Ari. Telling you about Amanda's mind games wouldn't have made any difference." Alex retorted.

" I didn't have your back and you didn't have mine. There isn't anything more to say about Ossetia. What Amanda did or didn't do to me, is my problem and only mine. It isn't yours." Alex added firmly.

" Not my problem? It isn't my problem when a sadistic bitch uses my figure to torture the hell out of you? It isn't my problem when you are afraid of my touch or when you are pushing me away? Hell, it is my fucking problem!" Nikita shouted angrily and turned to face Alex.

" I didn't want you to know. I didn't want to have to explain my feelings or my thoughts, I didn't want you to misunderstand my silence or my denial to talk about this, I didn't want to hurt you with Amanda's sick games, I didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to let it go and move on, never letting you know what happened or anything else... just like you don't want me to know your thoughts or your feelings about the day that I shot you." Alex tried to reason Nikita.

" Do you really want to know how I felt when you shot me and let me to deal with Roan?" Nikita asked quietly.

" This isn't what I said. I don't want to know anything that you don't want me to know. I don't want to make you talk about it if it hurts you. But I want you to understand why I didn't come to you, why I kept it a secret." Alex replied.

Nikita looked at Birkoff and gestured to him that she wanted to talk to Alex in private. Birkoff nodded in return and left the room leaving the two girls alone.

" I do understand, Alex but I don't like it. And even more, I don't like the fact that we have so many issues that we don't want to talk about to each other. I will tell you how I felt when you shot me, if you tell me honestly why you shot me." Nikita said and sat back down on the bed next to Alex.

" You still doubt the reason behind my actions?" Alex asked hurt.

" The last time that we talked about it, we had guns trained to each other. I want to look in your eyes when you tell me why you shot me." Nikita replied softly.

" I thought that we were over that but I can keep telling you why until you trust my word." Alex retorted a little offended but in understanding.

" When I turned and saw you with a gun trained at me, I was shocked. I didn't understand what was going on and then you told me that you knew the truth and you wanted me to admit it to you. I knew that if you learnt the truth, you would have been really mad but I never thought that you would pull the trigger." Nikita started demonstrating her feelings about that day. Slowly she stood up and walked away from Alex.

" When the first bullet landed to my vest, I was totally broken. I knew that I deserved it, you had every right to want to avenge your family's death but it hurt me too much. I wanted to tell you the truth but I was scared that if you knew you would have despised me. And then more bullets landed to my chest and i fell back. I thought that I was in the greatest pain in the world, being shot by the person that I loved the most, but I was wrong." Nikita said and paused when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

She turned around and saw Alex looking at her with a pained gaze.

" Can you please look at me?" Alex requested softly. She couldn't stand hearing Nikita talking about it with shaking voice and with her back turned on her. She needed to see in Nikita's eyes. She needed to see what she had caused her. She needed to know that everything was alright now.

Nikita nodded and looked at Alex's baby blue eyes that now were full of tears.

" I thought that it couldn't get worse but it did. When you kneeled next to me, you looked me in the eyes, your gaze was pure pain and sadness, your gaze was the greatest pain of all. I wanted to say something, anything but the words wouldn't leave my mouth. And then you told me goodbye and my heart was ripped away from my body. I wanted to scream to you that I am sorry and that I don't want you to leave, let you know that I am afraid to live without you, tell you that I love you and that I want to change, be a better person for you but the drug took effect and when I woke up , you weren't there, you had left me and I was sad and hurt beyond imagination, I wanted to die. It was unbearable." Nikita said and tried hard not to break eye's contact.

Nikita backed off hurt seeing the same haunted look deep inside Alex's eyes.

" Hey..." Alex tried to reach Nikita.

" Your eyes are still in pain about it." Nikita commented sadly.

" I don't think that I will ever get passed the fact that you didn't trust me with that. It hurts me but I do understand. You should have told me. I felt betrayed and hurt learning the truth from Percy. But I never shot you in order to take revenge on you, or to make you suffer or anything that might have crossed your mind. I shot you because it was the only way to save you and warn you that we were exposed. I was trying to save your life, YOUR life. I was just trying to protect you and I will never be able to tell you how sorry I am about it. I never wanted to shoot you or betray you like that. I am sorry." Alex argued and looked deeply in Nikita's eyes.

She needed Nikita to know that she was completely honest with her. She needed to know that everything was fine again.

" I trust you with my own life, Alex and I will understand it if you ever want revenge. I love you baby girl, I love you so much." Nikita said and let Alex to pull her into a caressing hug.

" I will never want revenge on you." Alex whispered in Nikita's ears and Nikita let a small smile to form on her face.

" I love you" Alex said as she pulled apart from Nikita and looked at her.

Nikita smiled in return and felt relief passing trough her body.

" Any other subject that we have to talk about?" Alex asked softly.

" I think that we are fine." Nikita said still smiling.

" Let's go back to the others." Nikita suggested.

Aex frowned.

" I can't. I have to have my blood tested. I need to test the new cure." Alex replied sadly.

" Do you want me to stay with you?" Nikita offered honestly.

" Nope. Thanks. I got it." Alex replied and gave a reassuring smile to Nikita.

Nikita nodded and left the medical room. She walked through the walls and she finally found out what she was looking for.

" Birkoff..." Nikita shouted with a firm, threatening tone.

Birkoff stood still on his tracks and turned around sheepishly.

" Don't you dare keep a secret like that again from me!" Nikita warned as she closed the distance between them.

" I tried to make you understand that something was wrong but you didn't want to listen to me." Birkoff retorted angrily.

" What are you talking about?" Nikita asked confused.

" I told you to talk with Alex, make her listen to you even by force. You didn't want to listen to my advice. Your ego was damaged after Alex defied your orders and you didn't want to let it go!" Birkoff whispered accusingly.

He was surprised when Nikita lifted her hand and slapped him frustated. Nikita's emotions were spinning out of her control. Amanda had gotten out the worst version of her.

" This is my fault, too?" Nikita yelled hurt and left before Birkoff could reply.

Birkoff stood there too shocked to react. He hadn't expected that his words would have hurt Nikita like that. Nikita entered the elevator and pressed the buttons to the ground level, her system needing desperately some fresh air.

He sighed and went to join the others in Operations.

After awhile Alex joined them, too.

" Where is Nikita?" Alex requested curiously looking around.

" Out." Birkoff replied and avoided Alex's gaze.

Suddenly, a call request come up from Amanda.

" What does she want this time?" Alex asked harsh.

" Put her through." Michael ordered and Birkoff obeyed immediately.

" Hello Division, Alex. Miss me?" Amanda's sarcastical voice echoed through the operations.

" What do you want?" Ryan asked firmly.

" I have something that you might want, Alex." Amanda said and stared at Alex.

" What that would be?" Alex asked coldly.

Amanda smirked at her and turned the camera. What she saw, made her blood turn cold. Nikita was tied up on a chair, obviously beaten up. Julian was standing above her pulling her head up from her hair. She pushed her head down hard and then moved foward punching Nikita's face with force, a small pained scream left Nikita's mouth. She had already endured a lot of pain and she couldn't control her screams anymore.

" Nikita" Alex breathed in shock.

" I will let Amanda warm her up some hours and then I will take good care of her." Julian said grinning as he cupped Nikita's face and the camera turned back to Amanda's sadistic figure.

" What do you want?" Alex asked as the others were still trying to come out from their shock.

" You and Nikita in pain." Amanda said coldly and pressed a button. The room filled with Nikita's screams as 1000volt of electricity crossed her body. Amanda cut off the connection leaving Nikita's screams to be the last noise that they heard from her.


	34. Chapter 34

" What do you want?" Alex asked as the others were still trying to come out from their shock.

" You and Nikita in pain." Amanda said coldly and pressed a button. The room filled with Nikita's screams as 1000volt of electricity crossed her body. Amanda cut off the connection leaving Nikita's screams to be the last noise that they heard from her.

* * *

" Shit" Alex cursed loudly and turned quickly on her heels walking out of the operations.

" Where are you going?" Michael shouted at her. His face was still pale and his eyes dark, the impact of Nikita's agonized screams was obvious on him.

" To bring her back." Alex shouted back with rage in her voice.

" Alex, we don't know where they are, we don't know anything!" Birkoff tried to reason her. He didn't want to be the voice of the logic but someone needed to be rational in situations like that.

" It can be a trap, Alex. You can't search her in blind!" Sean yelled frustated. He couldn't lose Alex one more time. He wanted her to be safe and he couldn't risk her walking into a stupid trap of Amanda. She had already suffered enough in Amanda's hands.

" He is right, Alex. If you got caught by Amanda, it is over. She will kill you both. You can't go in blind." Michael said as calmly as he could, tears starting to form in his eyes as he thought of what Amanda might do to his love.

" I won't go after them. They will come after me." Alex said coldly and left the room before anyone could say anything else.

As soon as she closed the door, she took out her phone and called Tom.

" It is time. Get the limo and the helicopter ready. See you in 5' outside." Alex said and ran towards the elevator.

* * *

Nikita slowly woke up blinking her eyes. Her body was still in unimaginable pain. Her head was light. Bruises had started forming on her fragile body. She looked around and she figured out that Amanda had moved her in another torture room. She was placed on a chair without arms, her hands tied behind her back to the legs of the chair, her legs tied together. She pulled her handcuffs with force but she only managed to cause more pain to herself. She was trying to compose herself as she heard heels approaching. Her heart started racing like crazy, fear rising inside her. Amanda had already caused her a lot of physical and emotional pain and she had her less than two hours. She knew that the worst hadn't come yet but she needed to stay strong praying that the team will rescue her before she loses her fight with Amanda or break or die.

With effort she lifted her head in order to face Amanda. Her eyes radiated hate towards her former mentor and now her worst nightmare.

" I see that you are awake. Good." Amanda commented coldly as she trailed her fingers on Nikita's cheek and then walked towards the table with her torture tools. She took in her hands a small knife and walked back in front of Nikita, a devious smile on her face.

" Tell me, Nikita. How is your relationship with Alex?" Amanda asked with hate in her voice.

" We are good." Nikita replied coldly trying to keep her emotions under control, she couldn't let Amanda get into her head. She needed to fight her mind games.

" That is pity. I will have to re-educate her again." Amanda stated sarcastically.

" Re-educate?" Nikita asked with horror in her voice. She didn't like the sound of that word, it sent shivers down her spine.

" She will work with me someday. I will make it sure." Amanda said coldly.

" Leave her alone, Amanda." Nikita said through gritted teeth trying to control her emotions.

Amanda laughed and walked towards Nikita, her face inches away from Nikita's.

" NO" Amanda whispered threateningly and she suddenly pushed the knife inside Nikita's shoulder.

Nikita closed her eyes and dropped her head trying to control the sudden pain. Amanda grinned seeing Nikita's pained figure.

" Look at me." Amanda ordered and pulled Nikita's head up from her hair. Nikita obeyed and looked at Amanda with teary eyes full of hate.

Amanda's grin grew bigger seeing Nikita's teary eyes. She wanted to see Nikita suffer, she wanted to hear her screams, she wanted to smell her blood. Amanda smiled and pushed her thumb inside Nikita's bleeding shoulder.

Nikita's eyes closed in pain. She bit her lips trying to control her screams. Amanda took away her thumb and pushed Nikita's head down.

" You are weak." Amanda commented as she bent down in front of Nikita.

Nikita looked up at her with hate.

" Not as much as you." Nikita snapped. Amanda slapped Nikita on the face causing it to twist.

" She will give up on you someday. She doesn't need you in her life. You can only cause her pain. You hold her back." Amanda exclaimed seriously.

" Alex is a good person. She won't forget that. And she is free to go if she doesn't want me in her life. It is her choice." Nikita retorted angrily.

" You don't know the Alex that I know. The real Alex is the one who stared at me without blinking her eyes when I scratched the words on her body, the real Alex is the one who never called me Nikita even if she was seeing your figure, the real Alex is the one who killed her own child and her own husband in her dream when I pumped her full of drugs. The real Alex has no remorse, no morals, no hesitation. The real Alex thinks that love is liability. You haven't seen the real Alex yet and when you do, you are so weak that you won't find the power to stay by her side." Amanda argued calmly.

" Alex is a good person. She will not forget that." Nikita repeated firmly.

" Maybe. But her dark side will take over sooner or later." Amanda finished this topic and stood up.

" Now back to you. Which word do you want on your chest? The word ' Alex' or the word ' Pain'? You want the name of the person that you had destroyed her life or the word that describe what you are only capable in your life, causing pain? I will give you some time to think of it" Amanda said and grinned.

Laughing she left the room leaving Nikita alone with her thoughts.

* * *

" Where are we going?" Tom asked as Alex entered the helicopter.

" Julians' home." Alex replied coldly as the helicopter left the ground.

" Tell the limo to meet us there." Alex ordered Meredith, who obeyed immediately.

Alex took out her phone and dialed a number.

" Hello?" A woman replied from the other line.

" Svetlana. It's Alexandra." Alex said softly.

" Alexandra, what a wonderful surprise! How are you?" Svetlana replied.

" I am good. I need a favor." Alex replied seriously.

" Anything for you." Svetlana answered firmly.

" I know that you have a perfomance in two days, La Bayadere, and I know that you have to practice with your ballet but I have some young friends that they would love to meet you. Would you mind if we steal some hours of your time?" Alex requested politely.

" Of course not, Alexandra. You can come to my hotel anytime. I will take a leave today. I had a little accident last night and I want to rest my ankle. I will wait for you, Alexandra." Svetlana replied happily.

"спасибо, До скорой встречи! ( Thank you. See you soon.)" Alex said smiling. Her plan was in motion.

" Добро пожаловать. Я не могу ждать. ( You are welcome. I can't wait.)" Svetlana replied and hung off the phone smiling. She needed sometime off for herself, being a ballerina was a difficult, exhausting job.

" What are you doing? Why are we going to Julian's home?" Tom asked confused.

" I gave Julian a warning." Alex said coldly as ice.

" You aren't going after Julian's family, are you?" Tom asked scared of Alex's answer.

Alex looked at him without saying anything. It was complicated. She didn't even know what she was going to do if her plan didn't work. To be honest, she didn't really have an answer to Tom's question. It was just complicated.

* * *

After some minutes, the helicopter landed in the yuard of Julian's home. As soon as Alex placed her foot on the land, the door opened and Laura, Julian's wife, come out confused. When she saw Alex, her face filled with joy.

" Alexandra!?" Laura exclaimed happily.

Alex signaled to her helicopter to leave and ran towards Laura.

" Laura!" Alex replied and kissed Laura's cheek smiling.

" Come inside." Laura instructed and Alex obeyed. Tom and Meredith glared at each other anxiously.

" I am really sorry for coming like that." Alex said politely.

" Don't be silly. It was a wonderful surprise." Laura replied happily. She liked Alexandra.

" What can I do for you?" Laura added.

" Oh. I wonder what I can do for you." Alex said and smiled.

" I know that Mary takes ballet lessons and I know that she is pretty good at it. A friend of mine, Svetlana Zakharova, is here for some days and I was wondering if you would like to let me introduce her to your daughter." Alex said still smiling.

" Mary! Come here, please!" Laura shouted. After a while little footsteps were heard as Mary come running down the stairs.

" Yeah mommy?" Mary asked from the top of the stairs.

As soon as she reached the bottom, she froze staring at Alex.

" Are - are you Alexandra Udinov?" Mary asked in shock.

Alex blushed hearing Mary's confusion and admiration.

" I am being rude. I didn't introduce myself to you. I am sorry." Alex replied softly.

" My name is Alexandra." Alex added and lifted her hand to shake Mary's. Mary returned the gesture still in shock.

" Mary. Nice to meet you." Mary said politely.

" Nice to meet you, too." Alex replied and smiled.

" Mommy what is going on?" the youngest daughter- Anna- asked popping her head out of the kitchen's door.

" Miss Alexandra!" Anna yelled excited and ran towards Alex to hug her. Alex bent down and lifted Anna in her hug turning her around.

" How are you, Anna?" Alex said and kissed Anna's cheeks.

" I am really really good, miss Alexandra." Anna said and started playing with Alex's hair.

" Alexandra or Alex. Stop calling me miss." Alex ordered smiling and Anna smiled back at her.

" Girls!" Laura said with a warning tone. She didn't want the girls to annoy their visitor.

" It is absolutely ok." Alex reassured.

" So.. why are you here?" Mary asked confused.

" Do you know who Svetlana Zakharova is?" Laura asked seriously.

" Of course and I know. She is the best ballerina of our century. She is amazing." Mary replied seriously.

" Would you like to meet her?" Alex asked.

" Of course. It is one of my dreams. But I guess that it is just a dream." Mary replied sadly. She wanted so badly to meet Zakharova but she knew that it was impossible.

Alex smiled at Laura and Laura smiled back with teary eyes.

" Go and grab your coat." Laura ordered her daughter.

" Why?" Mary asked confused.

" You are going to meet Zakharova." Alex replied and she laughed seeing the stunned expression on Mary's face.

" Really?" Mary asked in a complete shock.

" Yeah." Alex replied.

" Yes." Laura reassured her daughter.

Mary's face got pale from the excitement and then suddenly, she started to jump up and down screaming full of joy and happiness. She ran to grab her coat and came back in a record time still jumping.

" Mommy. I want too." Anna said seeing her mother with pleading eyes.

" You all can come." Alex said and stared at Laura.

Laura looked up at her moved. She couldn't find words to thank Alex for making her daughters so happy. She couldn't remember the last time that Mary had such a gorgeous smile on her face.

" Lena! Grab your coat!" Mary yelled full of excitement. In a few seconds, Lena came down running her coat in her hands.

" What happened?" Lena asked as she ran down the stairs.

She froze as soon as she reached the bottom staring at Alex.

" Yeah yeah, she is Alexandra Udinov and we are going to meet Zakharova." Mary informed her.

Lena was standing in complete shock unable to form any words.

Alex smiled at her.

" The limo is waiting for us." Alex informed and the group left the house and entered the limo. Lena was still silent in complete shock.

" Are you real?" Lena asked after a while.

" Sure. You can touch me if you want.." Alex joked. Lena slowly lifted her hand and pressed her finger to Alex's cheek. Alex smiled but then Lena started crying.

" Lena?" Laura asked confused.

" I can't believe that I meet you in person." Lena said through her sobbings.

Alex's heart ached seeing Lena crying because of her presence. She took a seat next to Lena and hugged her.

" I didn't want to upset you. I am sorry." Alex whispered in her ears.

Lena lifted her head, wiped her tears and stared at Alex.

" I have read everything about you. I have watched all your interviews. I admire you, Alexandra. You are so strong. You have gone through hell but you are a wonderful person with a good heart. I admire you. I can't believe that I am talking to you." Lena replied.

Alex's eyes filled with tears that she didn't bother to hold back. She was touched by Lena's words.

" You are a wonderful person, Lena." Alex said as the car came to a stop.

The chauffer came out and opened the door for the ladies. They all stepped out. Alex spotted Tom and Meredith checking the perimeter. They walked inside the hotel, into the elevator and to the last floor of the building, where Zakharova's suite was. As soon as they knocked the door Zakharova ran to open it.

" Alexandra!" Svetlana greeted smiling and kissed Alex's cheeks.

" Svetlana." Alex returned the greeting.

" Let me introduce you. Laura, Lena, Anna and Marry." Alex added pointing to each person.

As soon as Svetlana's eyes met Mary's, Mary had to hold herself on the wall.

" Come inside." Svetlana ordered and the group obeyed.

" Make yourself at home." She added firmly.

Mary didn't take her gaze away from Svetlana and Svetlana soon took notice of that.

" Mary... correct me if I am wrong but you are practicing ballet, right?" Svetlana said politely trying to break the ice.

" Yes, madam. How- how do you know?" Mary asked confused blushing.

" You remind me of my younger self. And your body is perfect for a ballerina." Svetlana replied softly. After that, the two of them started talking about ballet and classes and routines.

" I am going to bring some take out. What do you want?" Alex asked as she stood up.

" Pizza" Lena replied.

" Burger." Svetlana replied.

" Chinese." Mary added.

" Ice cream" Anna exclaimed.

Alex's smile grew bigger.

" Ok. Ok. I will be back in an hour when I collect all of that." Alex joked.

" Can I come with you?" Anna asked.

" Of course. We will call daddy, too." Alex replied and left the room holding Anna's hand.

As soon as they were in the limo. Alex pulled out her phone and dialed a number. She had made her research and she had learnt Julian's personal phone number.

" Talk to your daddy and tell him that you are fine. Don't tell him where the others are, we will make him a surprise." Alex maniplated the youngest daughter and she hated herself for that.

" Yes." Julian replied his phone.

" Hi, daddy!" Anna greeted happily.

" Anna?" Julian reguested confused.

" Yes, daddy. I am with Alexandra, we are going to buy some ice cream!" Anna said.

" With Alexandra?" Julian chocked.

Alex signaled to Anna to give her the phone.

" Hi Julian." Alex said.

Julian's face change one million colors.

" What did you do to my family?" Julian said through gritted teeth not wanting to scream and risk her daughter hearing him.

" They are all having fun.. What is Laura's favorite ice-cream?" Alex replied trying to keep her tone neutral and not scare Anna.

" If you touch them.." Julian tried to threaten her.

" I told you. They are having fun...for now." Alex cut him off.

" Alexandra!" Julian shouted frustated.

" чтобы внести ясность. Каждый ушиб, порез или шрам на теле Никиты, он станет одним на вашем теле дочери. Держите Никита в целости и сохранности и счастливы и ваша семья будете продолжать наслаждаться их день. Не играй с моим терпением и их жизни. (just to be clear. Every bruise, cut or scar on Nikita's body, it will become one on yours daughter body. Keep Nikita safe and sound and happy and your family will keep enjoying their day. Don't play with my patience and their lives.)" Alex warned in her mother language not wanting to scare the little Anna. She knew that she wasn't going to make reality her threat, she liked Julian's family and she didn't want them to get caught in the line of fire but she wished that Julian would take her seriously and obey her.

" What do you want?" Julian asked.

" Meet me outside of the restaurant ' chinese talent' in 30' and pick up some chinese for your family. Bring Nikita with you. See you, soon." Alex said and hang up the phone.

" Let's grab some food." Alex said to Anna as the car stopped outside of a fast food restaraunt.

* * *

Meanwhile..

" Have you made your decision, Nikita? Alex or Pain?" Amanda asked as she walked back into her torture room.

Nikita looked up at her tired.

" Do whatever you want. I don't care." Nikita said casually.

Amanda slapped her violently.

" You will respect me." Amanda ordered firmly.

" You don't deserve my respect." Nikita retorted angrily.

" I have something that can change your mind." Amanda said and pushed a button.

Nikita tried to control her scream as electricity crossed her body but after a while the pain became too much and she gave in screaming out in pain. Amanda grinned and stopped the flow of the electricity. Nikita fell back into the chair trying to catch her breathe.

" Now. I think that I will write the word 'Alex' on your chest. It will hurt her when she sees it." Amanda said and went to grab her tools.

" I used nails on Alex because they hurt the victim in the worst possible way. Knifes create clean cuts but nails.. nails are unique. I wanted her to scream but she didn't. I wanted her to look into YOUR eyes and scream in pain, beg you to stop but she never did that. She knew that it was me and she was staring patiently all the time of the torture. She didn't even blink." Amanda said.

" With you, I will be merciful. I will use knife." Amanda said and walked in front of Nikita with a small knife in her hands. She bent down, the sharp edge of the knife inches away from Nikita's soft skin, when the door opened violently.

" Stop!" Julian yelled running inside the room.

Amanda straightened her back and looked at him confused.

" You told me that she wasn't going to do it. You told me that it wasn't something that she would do." Julian yelled at Amanda.

" What are you talking about?" Amanda asked shocked.

" Step away from Nikita. I am sorry, Amanda but I can't let you hurt Nikita anymore." Julian said with shaking voice.

" Julian? Everything alright?" Amanda asked confused.

" No. She has them." Julian replied in the verge of tears.

" Who has whom?" Amanda asked worried.

" Alex has my family. If we touch Nikita, she will hurt Anna. Please Amanda." Julian pleaded devastated.

" You aren't serious." Amanda commented.

" I am. Please, Amanda. She has my family. Please." Julian begged her.

Amanda nodded to Julian and turned to Nikita grinning. She bent down in order to whisper in her ears.

" Alexandra is making an apperance." Amanda stated and left.


	35. Chapter 35

**Hi guys! So here it is the next cha[ter of the story. Now, I will ask for your understanding because for the enxt couple of months it will be extremely difficult for me to update regularly. I will do my best to give you at least one chapter of each story every week but I am not making any promises. Please understand. Some really rough months are ahead of me. I hope that you will enjoy the chapter. Have fun and review :) Have fun!**

Alexandra is making an apperance." Amanda stated and left.

* * *

It had passed 25 minutes. Alex and Anna had driven the whole town stopping in several restaurant picking up food. They had bought enough food to feed an army but Alex didn't care. Anna's smile was her reward. She loved her smile and she didn't mind buy all the food in the world just to have Anna laughing saying that she will become fatty if she eats all that. No matter what had happened with their father, Alex couldn't help but love Anna, Lena and Mary. She didn't take them to protect Nikita, she actually liked them and she was planning to arrange a meeting for Mary with Svetlana anyways. It just happens the timing to be like that. She knew that she couldn't hurt them, not now not ever. She liked them and wanted them to be happy.

Alex was lost in her thoughts when the limo stopped in front of the chinese restaurant and Tom went to open the door for Julian and Nikita. Julian had an unreadable gaze, full of hate and anxiety. He knew that he couldn't do anything right now risking the life of his family. He needed to control his nerves. Alexandra had the upper hand this time and he knew it.

Nikita, on the other hand, was confused. She couldn't believe that Alex could kidnap Julian's family. She didn't want to believe that Alex was capable of hurting a little girl. She didn't want to give up in Amanda's mind games and believe that this was Alexandra, the real Alex, the Alex that she was trying hard to keep buried inside her. She knew that she couldn't discuss it right now, but she was going to have a really long conversation with Alex when they are back.

Nikita entered the limo first and Julian joined her. They both sat opposite to Alex and Anna, that had let her head rest on Alex's chest. Alex was looking down on Anna, when her guests entered the limo. She lifted her head up and smiled when she saw that Julian had played along.

" Julian! I am glad that you made it!" Alex said softly.

" I wasn't going to miss your invitation." Julian replied harsh.

" We brought chinese." Julian added not wanting to piss Alex off.

" Wonderful!" Alex exclaimed happily.

" Anna, go and give a hug to your daddy." Alex suggested and Anna obeyed instantly.

As soon as Anna reached Julian's hands, he put her into a bone-crushing hug. Nikita gave a disapproval gaze at Alex seeing the exchange between father and daughter.

" Are you having fun, sweetie?" Julian asked his daughter with shaking voice.

" I always have fun when I am with Alexandra, daddy, you don't have to ask me." Anna said smiling and looked at Alex, who returned her smile.

Julian stressed up hearing Anna's response.

" Daddy, what is wrong? You seem upset." Anna asked worried and sadly.

" I had a rough day, Anna. I will be fine." Julian replied and gave a small smile to his daughter.

Anna looked up at him confused and then leaned foward and kissed him. Then, she returned to her previous sit next to Alex.

" Excuse me... but who is the lady, Alexandra?" Anna asked staring at Nikita.

" My name is Nikita." Nikita replied and smiled to Anna.

Anna looked suspiciously at Nikita and then moved closer to Alex hugging her.

Alex laughed and looked at Nikita and then at Anna.

" She is my best friend, Anna." Alex said calmly and cupped Anna's face.

Anna take a moment to think and then she turned her attention to Nikita. Slowly and unsurely, she moved closer to Nikita.

" It is a pleasure to meet Alexandra's best friend. You must be a very lucky woman to have Alexandra in your life like that." Anna said calmly.

Alex's eyes filled up with tears moved by Anna's words. Julian backed off stunned. His daughter was totally in love with his enemy. Nikita smiled generiously to Anna. They tell that children can see behind the masks and they know where the evil is hidden. If Anna liked Alexandra so much, then she couldn't be such a bad person. Could she?

" It is a pleasure to meet you, too, Anna." Nikita replied to Anna.

" And yes. I am a very lucky woman to have Alexandra in my life like that." Nikita added staring at Alex.

Alex blushed and turned her gaze away from Nikita's.

" I don't want to be rude... but why do you have a bruise on your face?" Anna asked Nikita sheepishly.

Alex turned her attention to Anna.

" This is a really good question, Anna." Alex commented coldly and glared at Julian with a murderous gaze. Julian's eyes filled with an apology and begged Alex not to make her threat real.

Alex sighed defeated and took Anna on her laps.

" You know that the world have some really bad guys in it, don't you?" Alex asked softly.

" I know. Daddy told me to be really careful around strangers because some people are really bad and they might want to hurt me and make me pain." Anna replied seriously. It was an honest response from a 9 years old girl.

" Daddy is right. Not everyone is good and you have to be careful." Alex instructed seriously but calmly.

" Well, Nikita got into some trouble today and a really bad guy wanted to hurt her and he hit her on her face. This is why she has this bruise. But she is alright now, because your daddy saved her." Alex added softly and smiled at Anna.

" Really? My daddy saved her?" Anna asked surprised.

" Yes. Your father was a hero today." Alex lied but she felt better when Anna's smile grew bigger.

" My daddy is a hero!" Anna said excited and went to hug her father.

" Thank you daddy for saving Nikita. I love you!" Anna said honestly.

Then, the car stopped one more time.

" Ice-cream time!" Alex said to Anna.

" Yupi!" Anna shouted happily.

" You don't mind to go and pick up the ice-cream with Meredith, do you? I want to talk about business with your daddy. I promise, we won't talk anymore for business." Alex said.

Anna nodded and left the car with Meredith.

Before anyone could say anything. Alex spoke. Her tone was firm, her words sure.

" Every girl wants to think that her father is a hero, a gentle man. They want to believe that their father will come to their rescue if something happens to them." Alex said staring at Julian.

" I encouraged her fantasy because I really like her. And I am not going to destroy her lovely idea about her father. I like your family, Julian. I don't want to hurt them. We will live together for few hours, we will keep your family happy and after that, you can go back in hating me as much as you want." Alex ordered coldly.

" Is that clear?" Alex asked harshly.

Julian swallowed hard.

" Yes." Julian replied seriously.

Alex turned her attention to Nikita.

" I don't know how you feel for everything but I need you to play along. I know that it will be easier to drop you at Division but I am not letting you out of my sight today. Can you please do that for me? We will talk about whatever you want later but can you please for now, be in the same room with Julian, chat with him and laugh with him like nothing have happened?" Alex asked softly, her eyes tired and teary.

" If you can do so, then I will survive." Nikita replied not knowing what to expect from Alex anymore. She was going to play along, see where everything goes.

Alex nodded in relief.

" How are your wounds?" Alex asked worried.

" Julian took care of them." Nikita replied.

Alex looked at Julian.

" Please, don't hurt them." Julian begged her.

" Thank you for taking care of her even if you needed a little push." Alex replied ignoring Julian's plead.

Julian opened his mouth to say something but stopped when the door opened and Anna came back with three bags in her little hands.

" We brought the ice-cream" Anna said smiling.

All the three adults put their smiles back on their faces.

" Good job." Alex commented and smiled at Anna.

" Now, let's go and eat them!" Alex added and Anna laughed as he car started one more time.

They drove for another ten minutes when they reached their final destination. Alex exitted the car first and waited for the others to follow her example. They all went up to Svetlana's room. Alex introduced everyone with - well- everyone and then they all started eating.

Alex's eyes grew wide when she saw Svetlana taking in her hands a second burger.

" Sve, really? You will get fired!" Alex joked amused.

" I have you. You will buy the ballet for me, Alexandra, don't worry!" Svetlana said sarcastically and everyone started laughing loudly.

" Not funny, Svetlana!" Alex said smiling trying to hold her laughs back.

" Come on, Alexandra. You have the money, so why don't you help your friend who dies everyday dancing uncountable hours?" Svetlana continued taunting Alex.

" Sure. If my friend needs my help. But she followed her dream so I don't think that you need a rescue..." Alex retorted.

" And beside that... I don't think that you want me to be your boss, do you?" Alex added grinning challengingly.

" Don't answer that, Svetlana. It is a trap." Tom interrupted causing another laugh-outbrust.

" Are you complaining, Tom?" Alex asked seriously as she rested herself back.

" I am going to check the perimeter.." Tom said running out of the room laughing. He liked taunting Alex.

" Oh, you will regret that." Alex promised as Tom closed the door behind him causing another laughing attack to the others.

" Have you always wanted to become a ballerina?" Mary asked excited.

" I think so.." Svetlana replied thoughtfully.

" You started imagining yourself as prima ballerina when you were 5. We have just watched the Giselle when you turned to me and told me ' in a few years from now, I will rule the stage' " Alex said with tears in her eyes thinking of that memory.

Everyone stared at Alex with wide eyes.

" You remember?" Svetlana gasped.

" Of course and I remember. I remember your first day on ballet class, I remember your first day on pointe, I remember your first pirouette. I remember everything.." Alex replied seriously and stood up walking away from the others. She didn't want to break down crying in front of them but those memories triggered other painful memoires.

" What about you, Alexandra? What did you want to be?" Lena asked.

Alex smiled sadly and turned to look at Lena.

" I wanted to be normal" Alex replied honesty.

Nikita felt her heart aching thinking that she took Alex's dream away from her drugging her into this freaking life.

" Sorry." Lena whispered sadly. She knew that it would have probably hurt Alex to talk and admit something like that.

Alex looked at Lena smiling.

" There is no reason to be sorry. My life might not be exactly normal but I am alive. It doesn't matter how your life is going to be, what matters is how you choose to face the reality. It might not be normal but I like my life and I wouldn't want to change it even if the outcome was better." Alex said to Lena but in the reality she was trying to comfort Nikita as much as she could considering the situation.

" The little things are what make the difference in our life. If you can find happiness in little things, then you would be happy." Alex instructed and squeezed Nikita's shoulders.

" You were never normal, Alexandra. But you were always wise." Svetlana commented with tears in her eyes.

" Now... Alexandra, do you know what time it is now?" Svetlana asked smiling evilly.

Alex's eyes grew wide as she backed off playfully and faked a scared face.

" NO NO NO NO NO! I deny to continue this freaking game..." Alex shouted trying to hold her laughs back.

" Come on, Alexandra, move your hips!" Svetlana shouted excited and everyone started laughing again.

" Move your hips?" Nikita questionned amused.

" Nope. Forget it. All of you. I am not moving my hips or anything else, I have eaten too much." Alex tried to find an excuse.

" You are a coward." Svetlana pointed out.

" Dance with the girls. My hips will stay still." Alex stated firmly.

" Fine. Girls, who wants to dance with me?" Svetlana asked and instantly Mary and Anna started jumping and claping full of excitement.

" Let's go then!" Svetlana said and took the girls to another room.

As she passed next to Alex, she hit slightly Alex's ass.

" Sve!" Alex yelled laughing.

Svetlana smirked at her and left the room with the girls.

Lena walked towards Alex.

" Do you mind if I stay with you?" Lena asked politely staring at her fingers.

Alex placed a hand on Lena's chin and forced her to look up at her smiling face.

" Of course not. I like your company." Alex said softly and moved with Lena back to the table.

She was glad that she was able to make the girls happy and until now the day was going southly and everyone was happy.

" Can I ask you something?" Lena asked after a while.

' Sure ' Alex nodded as she took sip of water.

" You didn't want to ' move your hips' because you were forced to do so too many times in the past?" Lena asked sheepishly.

Alex almost suffocated with her water while the other adults chocked uncomfortably.

" What?" Alex asked as calmly as she could.

" I am sorry. Forget that I even asked about it." Lena said blushing and turned her gaze away.

" Lena, I don't have problem to talk about my past but I don't think that this topic is appropriate for your age." Alex tried to explain her reaction.

" You were younger than me" Lena commented sadly still keeping her gaze away from everyone.

" Lena, I am not having this conversation with you unless you have permission from your parents. I don't have problem talking but I am not doing so over them." Alex said seriously and pointed to Laura and Julian, who were in complete shock alterating their gaze between Alex and Lena.

Alex turned around when she felt Nikita moving closer to her, putting her hand on her hip, giving her power to withstand this conversation.

" Mom, please. You know that I have read everything about her and you always say to me that the press can alter the reality. I have the chance to learn the truth about the person that I look up to from the source. Please, don't take this opportunity away from me." Lena said with a pleading tone.

" But, Lena, her past is her past and it will hurt her to talk about it. And beside that, it will hurt you to listen to that..." Laura tried to reason her daughter. Laura wasn't ready to hear the horrors of Alex's past and she wasn't sure if she should let her daughter have this conversation either.

" Alexandra?" Laura asked quietly.

" I told you before Laura. I don't mind talking about my past but I can't make it less cruel for her. I can't turn the violence into gentle attitude. I can't try to make it seem less painful. It will be the raw, cruel true without holding back." Alex replied firmly.

" Dad? Please?" Lena insisted.

" I don't know, Lena." Julian replied scared. She didn't want her daughter to learn about the sex slavery and he didn't want to learn his involvement.

" Please.." Lena tried one last time.

Julian stared at Alex, who gave him a firm smile that she will keep his secret and protect his daughter from the truth.

" If Alexandra agrees..." Julian replied defeated.

" I will try to answer all your questions, Lena. Ask me whatever you want." Alex said looking at Lena.


	36. Chapter 36

**So finally I found some time to type the next chapter. I hope that you like the chapter. Thanks for your patience and your support! Have fun guys.**

" I will try to answer all your questions, Lena. Ask me whatever you want." Alex said looking at Lena.

Lena looked sheepishly up at Alex and she received a small reassuring smile.

" I know that you are a great dancer... I have watched your dancing. So why you didn't want to dance with Svetlana? If I got it correctly, dancing after dinner was something that you two used to do when you were young." Lena asked seriously.

" As I said before, I have eaten too much to dare to move any part of my body. My past has nothing to do with that. And yes, we used to dance like crazy with Sve, jumping up and down, spinning around till the time we couldn't take it anymore." Alex replied calmly trying to keep her emotions under control. She didn't like talking about her past but she didn't feel ashamed of it and she knew that Lena looked up at her and Alex wanted to be honest with her.

" Lena, what do you mean that you have watched my dancing?" Alex asked after few moments confused. She could assume Lena's answers but she didn't want to.

Lena looked away from Alex. She stared at her fingers not wanting to answer that question.

" Lena, if you want me to be honest with you, then I expect you to be honest with me." Alex said softly not wanting to frighten the teenager.

" Youtube." Lena whispered.

Alex stressed herself up in the chair as she was taking aback from Lena's reply. Nikita instantly squeezed Alex's hand letting her know that she is there for her. Alex looked at Nikita with watery eyes.

" Lena...Have you watched anything else regarding Alexandra from another site except Youtube?" Julian asked with a warning tone. He needed to know what Lena had seen, he needed to know if Lena had seen Alexandra under his touch or under anyone's other touch. He needed to know if Lena had watched Alexandra staring in a porn video. As far as he knew he was the only one who had access to Alex's tapes but in this kind of work you can never be completely sure about anything.

Lena's eyes opened wide hearing Julian's question, while Laura looked at Lena expecting nothing less but the truth.

" No daddy. NO! " Lena replied immediately and she blushed.

" I haven't watched anything else. I don't even know if there is another video of Alexandra on the internet. I had watched only one." Lena added firmly looking defeated. She couldn't believe that she had this conversation with her parents. She felt uncomfortable.

" What did you see Alex doing?" Nikita asked afraid of Lena's answer. She couldn't believe that Alex's past was posted on the internet. She couldn't believe that the horrors of her past will always haunt her present. She couldn't believe that million of people had seen Alex doing things that she hated, that she wanted to forget.

" Pole dancing. Nothing more or less." Lena replied softly.

Alex remained silent, her gaze dark, looking at Lena but not actually focus on her. She was lost in her thoughts.

" Alex, I am sorry. I didn't want to upset you." Lena apologized seeing Alex's pained gaze.

Alex was brought of her memory-trip hearing Lena's soft voice. She shook her head and put her best smile on her face.

" You didn't upset me. I just didn't know that my life is posted on internet like that." Alex tried to reassure Lena and she was telling the truth.

She just wanted to move on and never look back. She didn't know about the video that Lena was talking about and she didn't know if that was the only one or more videos were posted. To be honest, she didn't know if she wanted to know. Sometimes she felt like shutting everything off and lose herself in an alternative reality. She didn't want to be haunted from her past anymore, she didn't want to be ' the girl who escaped the sex slavery', ' the girl who survived the attack on her family', ' the girl who saw her father dying in front of her eyes', ' a secret spy who took down and then regain control of a secret organisation', sometimes she wanted to be just Alex. But she knew that this was just a dream. Alex was never normal and she would never be. She had accepted that, she had accepted her past, her present and her future. It was her life and she had decided to enjoy it without looking back, without regrets. It was her life and she wasn't going to waste it.

" If I were you, I would have googled my name. There are a lot of information about your life on internet, you are a person of great interest and your life is all over the internet." Lena suggested calmly. She was surprised that Alex didn't feel the urge to search what it was written about her.

" I am not sure if I want to know what it is written about me, Lena. I know that every normal person would want to, but I am not sure. It took me a lot of time to deal with my past and everything and I am not sure that I want to push my limits like that. I want to move on and not bring the past with me." Alex replied softly. She hated the fact that she was having this conversation in front of Julian but she could understand Lena's need to explore the abyss of Alex's life.

" I can totally understand that." Lena agreed with Alex.

For few minutes there was nothing than silence. Everyone were lost in their thoughts expecting Lena's next question. Julian was trying to keep his mask on his face and not blow up his cover, Alex was trying to remain in control of her emotions and not break down, Laura was trying to get in the new information, feeling sorry for Alex and admiring her want to live and move on and Nikita was trying hard to remain calm and not jump to Julian ripping his hands and head out off of his disgusting body, a task that was getting more and more difficult as Lena's 'interrogation' continued.

" Alex, I don't want to offend you..." Lena started sheepishly.

" I don't like how you started but please continue." Alex cut her off surprised by the choice of words.

" Why did you do it? Why did you become Sasha?" Lena asked quietly.

" LENA! " Laura and Julian yelled in union. They couldn't believe that their daughter had actually asked something like that. They were shocked by Lena's courage or stupidity. How could she ask something like that?

Nikita stared at Lena with wide eyes. Did she really ask something like that? Slowly she turned her gaze to face Alex and what she saw made her heart aching. Alex's eyes were hollow, empty of any emotion. Alex's gaze was dead and Nikita could tell that her mind was flashing to the horrors that turned her into Sasha, to what they did to her to break her.

" Alex.." Nikita started trying to comfort Alex but she was stopped when Alex placed a finger on her lips.

" You don't have to answer that." Laura tried to reassure Alex.

Alex stared at Julian, her eyes full of hate. Slowly she turned her attention to Laura.

" It is a rational question, Laura" Alex tried to make the atmosphere a little more comfortable.

" The truth, Lena, is that I don't know. I just broke. I tried to fight them, I didn't want to submit to them willingly but they broke me, I gave up." Alex said softly and paused to compose herself.

She took a deep breathe and tried to keep her voice stable, unsuccessfully.

" After months, I lost the battle, I lost hope. I didn't want to fight anymore, I didn't want to be in pain. A human being has limits, I have limits. I can endure a certain amount of pain, physical or emotional, but they pushed my limits beyond imagination. I didn't want to fight anymore." Alex said with shaking voice.

" I... I just gave up, I didn't have anything to fight for, they had killed every inch of my already broken soul. I wasn't feeling anything except from pain. I didn't care anymore, I had lost my soul. I didn't care for anything. I wasn't human anymore. I was just a body to be used. I was a heartless body. I didn't want to fight anymore. I was tired. Tired of living in pain, tired of feeling nothing more than sadness and hurt and pain, tired of the nightmares, tired of the constant torture... They didn't just break me. They killed me. They killed my will to live, to survive, to dream, to hope. I didn't know what else to do." Alex added with hate in her voice and tears in her eyes.

She shook her head and looked at Lena, who was silently sobbing in the arms of Laura, who had tears in her eyes. What surprised her more was that Julian was looking at his daughter sadly and without his devious and arrogant grin. Slowly she turned to look at Nikita. She was afraid of Nikita's reaction.

Nikita was staring at her with teary eyes. Her eyes were filled with a silent apology and her hand was taken away from Alex's body. Alex smiled at her and took her hand in hers. Nikita tried to fight her but Alex was faster and she took a hold on her hand, with firm but slow moves she brought it up to her mouth and kissed it softly.

" Look my eyes, Nikita. Always look my eyes." Alex instructed softly. She knew that the life and the happiness that existed in her eyes were the only things in the world that could take the guilt away from Nikita's shoulders.

Nikita stared at Alex's ocean-blue eyes and managed to smile softly. She loved Alex's eyes, she loved to see life in them. It was her proof that Alex was well now, that in her hug she had managed to move foward and destroy Sasha and the horrors of her past.

" Do you want revenge? Do you want to kill them for what they did to you?" Lena asked quietly with a tone full of emotions.

Alex took a minute to think about it.

" No. I don't want revenge anymore." Alex said firmly.

" What? Why?" Lena asked surprised. If she was Alex, she would have wanted to rip every part of their bodies, cause them unbelievable pain and then kill them.

" I spend years of my life searching for revenge. Revenge from the killer of my father, revenge from my torturors and my rapists. For years, I built my life around of this purpose but finally I understood that revenge isn't a reason to live for. If you do so, you will never find peace, you will never move on but you will stuck in the past, you will let it shallow you. And besides that, if I take revenge on each and everyone of them, or only on some of them, then it will never end. The pain will never end. I don't want to continue this fight, I want it to end with me." Alex explained calmly.

" What do you mean?" Lena requested.

" I mean that they are human beings, too. They have families of their own, parents, wives, children... If I take revenge on them, then I will hurt their families and they will hurt someone else and it will go on and on and on." Alex tried to explain but Lena was too stubborn to understand.

" So what? You are going to let them untouched!? They...they..." Lena shouted trying to find the right words to continue.

" They are humans and they have families! It could have been your parents, Lena! It could have been your parents! Would you have liked me to come after your father or mother? Would you have liked me to take revenge then?" Alex asked. Her tone was firm and serious. She couldn't believe the turn that this conversation had taken.

" Yes! If my parents were such monsters, I would love it if you had the courage, the balls to go after them!" Lena yelled frustated and stood up pacing the room.

The adults were taking aback from Lena's furious answer. Laura was stunned, Julian was feeling guilty hearing his daughter talking like that about him, Nikita was trying to understand what was going on and Alex stared at Lena with wide teary eyes. She couldn't believe that Lena had accussed her of not having the courage to take down her father, she couldn't understand why Lena had reacted like that. Then the realisation hit her.

Slowly she stood up and walked up to Lena stopping her pacing.

" What is all that about, Lena?" Alex asked softly.

" I don't understand why you let monsters like that to live when you have the power to stop them... You let them free to do whatever they want, hurt someone else..." Lena whispered.

" It won't stop if I take out some of them. More willl appear to replace them before their dead body reach the ground, Lena." Alex said gently and cupped Lena's face.

" I... I... am..." Lena started but she stopped. She looked up at Alex and took a deep breathe.

" I am scared." Lena sighed.

Alex looked at her in understanding.

" You don't have to be, Lena. Julian and Laura will never let anything happen to you, I can reassure you." Alex said firmly.

" What if they are not here? You didn't have anyone to save you. What if something happens to them?" Lena asked with shaking voice.

Alex sat on her toes, keeping Lena's hands in hers. Quickly, she wiped her tears.

" You are right. I didn't have anyone to come for me. My parents were murdered in front of me and none knew that I was alive, none cared if I was alive. But that won't happen to you, Lena. I promise you. If your parents can't come to your rescue, then I will come. I will turn the world upside down, I will move the stars if I have but I will come for you. I won't let anything bad happen to you, Lena." Alex said softly and honestly.

Lena could feel the honesty of Alex's words.

" Promise?" Lena asked.

" Promise." Alex said and smiled when Lena launched herself into her hug crying.

Alex pulled herself back when she caught sight of Nikita standing up and leaving the room with tears on her face.

" Excuse me." Alex said and stood up. She gestured to Lena to join her parents and she went to find Nikita. It wasn't difficult to do so. Nikita was in the bathroom crying.

Alex opened the door and got in. She sat down next to Nikita. She didn't want to distrub Nikita so she waited for her to speak first.

" I had promised you that you would be fine." Nikita said after a while.

" I know." Alex replied.

" I should have done something better. I should have kept tabs more often on you." Nikita continued.

" You didn't have to. I wasn't your responsibility. You did what you thought best." Alex retorted calmly.

" The moment that I decided to save you, you became my responsibility. The day that I left you orphan, you became my responsibility. And I let you down." Nikita said firmly, tears flowing freely.

" You saved my life, Nikita. No matter what happened after you saved my life. Would you prefer me to be dead or alive with my past?" Alex asked.

" The question isn't what would I prefer, but what would you prefer.." Nikita argued and stared at Alex.

" Even when I was a sex slave, I was grateful to the person who saved me. Do you know why I didn't try to commit suicide and end it all when I was in those holes?" Alex replied seriously.

" No." Nikita said honestly and looked at Alex curiously.

" Because I had the memory of someone's wonderful brown eyes looking at me with love, because I had the memory of my savior promising me that I would be fine and I wanted to hold on to that hope. I survived because I wanted to see the eyes that saved me, the eyes that I have dreamed million of times one last time. I didn't let myself die because I wanted to look those eyes one last time if possible, I wanted to talk to that person and tell her that I was grateful that she saved me and that even if she didn't keep her promise, she was always there in my dreams trying to comfort me, giving me a reason to survive." Alex said and paused.

" Before you found me, the only reason that I kept waking up every morning, the only reason why I didn't let myself to die was the memory of your eyes. It was your eyes that kept telling me that in the end I will be fine, it was your eyes that kept telling me to never give up, it was your eyes hat kept telling me that life is worth living... My life wasn't what you wished when you handed me over to the chauffer, it wasn't what you promised me that night but it was a life. I hated my past, I wanted to end it but I didn't want my life to end before I had the chance to thank you. Thanks to you, I have a life, Nikita and those scars in my body and in my soul are proofs that my life is real, that I am alive and always I would be grateful to you for that." Alex added with tears in her eyes.

She had never spoken to Nikita so open but she couldn't let Nikita blame herself anymore. Alex felt vulnerable but with Nikita she felt safe, she felt that she could let her guards down.

Nikita was moved from Alex's words. She hadn't never heard Alex talking for what kept her alive or for what happened those years. She had never spoken about the horrors of her past if she could avoid it.

" Alex, did you recognize me the night that I brought you in?" Nikita asked with shaking voice.

" Yes and No. I knew those eyes but your gaze was empty, full of hurt and pain and regret when you brought me in, while it was full of happiness and love and regret when you saved me. I didn't know what to think so I just watched you and slowly your gaze was brought back in life." Alex replied honestly.

" Thanks to you." Nikita added.

" Nope. Thanks to you. I didn't do anything." Alex said and before Nikita could argue, stood up and offered her hand to assist Nikita.

Nikita smiled understanding that the conersation was over for now and accepted Alex's help even if she didn't need it.

The two of them exitted the bathroom and joined the others.

Suddenly, Tom came quickly into the room, walking towards Alex. He whispered something to her ears and Alex nodded as her face darkened.

Tom left the room in hurry.

" I am sorry but an unfortunate complication needs my attention. We will have to leave earlier than what we have planned." Alex informed the others as she stood up.

" I will leave the chauffer here. Don't hurry. Enjoy your day. In the car there is a last present for you, tickets for Svetlana's perfmance, please enjoy it. Laura please kiss the girls for me." Alex said smiling.

" I will, Alexandra. It was nice to see you, again. Thanks for everything." Laura replied smiling and pointed to Lena silently thanking Alex for taking away Lena's fears.

" My pleasure." Alex retorted.

" Lena" Alex said and took Lena in a bone crashing hug.

" I promise, don't worry. I will look after you, even when you can't see me." Alex said calmly and kissed Lena who smiled generously.

" Julian" Alex greeted coldly.

" I will walk you out." Julian replied and gained a surprised look from Alex and Nikita.

When they were out of the doors and into the elevator, Julian turned to Alex.

" Am I going to see you soon, Julian?" Alex asked calmly.

" No. I will... retire." Julian replied and smiled.

" Retire?" Nikita asked shocked.

" I don't want my daughter to want me dead to feel safe." Julian replied calmly.

" I see." Alex commented.

" I have done horrible things to you and I don't know how to make it up to you..." Julian started.

" Keep your family safe and happy, Julian and stay away from me." Alex cut him off.

" I will, Alexandra. Thanks for not hurting them." Julian said and Alex nodded in return.

When the elevator reached the ground floor, Alex and Nikita exitted it and started walking when they heard Julian's voice.

" I didn't make you a queen, Alexandra, you already were one...In the end I will become one of your fans Alexandra." Julain said laughing.

Nikita and Alex laughed with Julian's comment.

" You know Amanda was wrong.." Nikita mentioned happily.

Alex didn't have the time to reply because Tom catch up with them and they had to return to Division.

Until now the day had passed smoothly but the day wasn't end yet and Alex's war wasn't even near to the end...

**Julian might be out of the game but Amanda isn't ready to give up and Alex's past has a lot of monsters except from Julian... I hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think. And by the way, Alex is going to leave Division again! :) and Amanda will create as always a lot lot lot lot of troubles :)**


	37. Chapter 37

**Hi guys! long time non seen! i know that i have gone MIA and trust me, I hate it more than you but my schedule has spinned out of control and i don't know when it will come back into normality... I know that it isn't huge or great but this is what i can do for now... please enjoy the ch! and i will try to update as soon as possibly!**

" You know Amanda was wrong.." Nikita mentioned happily.

Alex didn't have the time to reply because Tom catch up with them and they had to return to Division.

Until now the day had passed smoothly but the day wasn't end yet and Alex's war wasn't even near to the end...

* * *

" Gun" Alex ordered firmly as soon as Tom caught up with them and lifted her hand to his direction.

Tom rolled his eyes but he obeyed instantly not wanting to piss Alex off. He didn't like that Alex felt the need to carry a gun even when she was around her team, protected and safe, she was the one who always wanted to be in the first line of fire. It was her way to protect the world, it was her way to make peace with her past, it was her way to make a difference.

" You know that you don't need the gun." Tom commented seriously. The day that Alex had saved his ass- years ago- the day that they established their partenship, he had sworn to himself that he will keep Alex safe, even if that meant his own death. It was his way to say thanks, it was his way to show his love and loyalty towards his younger boss.

" Better overprotected than sorry." Alex replied casually. She could understand Tom's frustation but she wasn't going to change her tactic, especially now that she had a several number of targets on her back.

" Where is the car?" Alex asked but before she was able to finish her sentence a speeding car stopped in front of them.

Meredith opened the passenger door and smiled to Alex.

" Come on. Get inside." Meredith ordered.

Tom jumped in the front seat next to Meredith, while Alex opened the back door for Nikita. Nikita got into the car and Alex joined her soon after securing one last time the perimeter.

" Go." Alex ordered closing the door behind her and Meredith obeyed instantly running in a high speed through the roads.

" Debrief me, please." Alex requested calmly. She was taken away from her dinner for a reason after all.

Nikita was silent the whole time. She was amazed at how grow up her baby girl was. She wanted to take in every new information of this part of Alex. Inside Division she never had the chance to see Alex's leadership skillls. Ryan and her made a lot of mistakes, one of them was that they almost suffocated their partners. Only the last days after Ossetia, Alex had stepped up, obviously too tired of the whole situation. Now, Nikita knew that if she had listened to Alex, if she had gone to Alex for advices like she had done in the past, things might be better. Alex was a great leader to her team.

" This file is from UN. They need your help." Tom started and handed a huge file to Alex, who looked at it curiously.

" This one is for the rest of the team. Results of the surveillance, etc." Meredith said and handed another file to Alex, who nodded.

" And this one is from Amanda." Tom finished as he let one last file on Alex's lap.

Nikita's eyes grew wide hearing who sent the last file.

" How did we get the file?" Alex asked seriously as she narrowed her eyes. Amanda really liked to play games. She knew that but Alex had her mission, she didn't have time for a childish competition with Amanda.

" Same way that she got hers." Tom said smiling. They didn't know how the hell happened but Amanda and Alex had found a way to communicate with each other without guns or torture tools. They left whatever they wanted to reach the other to a safe vault and then the camera would inform the teams that a message was delivered and from there several persons will transfer the file to its destination.

Alex nodded in understanding. She glared at the file and then she sighed grabbing another file to read.

" You aren't going to open it?" Nikita asked curiously.

" Not here." Alex replied calmly. The last thing that she wanted was to let Amanda get in her head while a punching bag wasn't nearby. Amanda could wait.

" This is a lot of paper work from the UN..." Alex sighed defeated. She hated the paper work, right now she hated anything that would bend her down and keep her away from the field. But she knew that the UN needed her attention and her help, it didn't matter if she would leave herself exposed during interviews and things like that, she was going to help the UN fight the sex slavery. Not only because it will give her some sort of closure but also because she had promised to Lena to keep her safe and she had promised to herself to make this freaking world safer.

" We can look through them if you want and make a summary for you to read." Meredith suggested softly.

" Thank you, Meredith. But no, I will go through them later on the plane." Alex replied and smiled. She liked the connection that she had with her team, how everyone was willing to help each other.

" You are leaving again?" Nikita asked sadly. She didn't want to lose Alex again. She was afraid of what might happen to her, she just wanted to keep her safe in her arms. She hated that she didn't know where Alex was, why she was there, what she was facing, if she was alive or not.

Alex turned her face to Nikita. She sighed hurt when she saw the pain and the sadness deep down in Nikita's eyes.

" I promise you that I will do my best to come back to you..alive." Alex promised and squeezed Nikita's hand.

Nikita wanted to protest but Alex turned her head away not wanting to continue this conversation here and took in her hands the last file.

She opened and looked through several pages.

" Nice work guys." Alex murmured to herself obviously proud of her team.

None had the chance to say anything else as the car reached Division's garage and Alex stepped out of the car holding the door opened for Nikita.

" To the medical right way. Michael has been waiting for you there." Alex ordered and Nikita defeated nodded and headed to the medical.

Alex, on the other hand, she moved to her recruit room, she was curious to open Amanda's file. As soon as she reached the door, she opened it and got inside locking it behind her. She let the other files on her bed and quickly she opened the file that Amanda sent her. Inside there was another file. Alex took a deep breathe and opened it. She sighed hurt when she saw what the file was about.

**OPERATION PALE FIRE**

_**Targets: Nikolai Udinov, Alexandra Udinov**_

_**Operation Control: Michael **_

_**Field Agent in charge: Nikita **_

_**Technological Support: Birkoff**_

_**Goal: Eliminate**_

_**Mission Accomplised**_

Alex looked through the pages. There were several photos of Nikita preparing for the mission, Michael going through the attack plan and Birkoff in front of his screen taping.

The last page had one message from Amanda to her.

**_CALL ME: 0030_** ********

To be honest, it hurt Alex to read this file again. She knew that Nikita and Michael and the whole Division had killed her father in front of her and she had moved foward but still it hurt and it hurt a lot.

Quickly, she took out a burn phone and typed Amanda's number. She knew that she was playing with fire but she wasn't going to step down and surrender. She was going to play the game until the very end.

Soon, she was greeted by Amanda's cold and calculating voice.

" Hello Alexandra... welcome back" Amanda said grinning.

" What do you want?" Alex retorted angrily.

" You read the file." Amanda commented.

" How does it feel to know that your family, the people that you love the most, destroyed your life?" Amanda questioned calmly. She could only imagine the pain that she had caused to Alex but that was enough of satisfaction for now. She enjoyed even imagining the heartache that Alex felt, the tears that had covered her eyes.

" How does it feel not to know what the word 'family' means?" Alex retorted. She didn't want to hurt Amanda more but she was mad. This game was getting her worst version out.

" You don't want to reply my answer, Alexandra? It is ok. I can live without knowing your point of view. Nikita's eyes spoke volumes for both of you when I decided to scratch your name on her chest.. unfortunately, you had a good timing. But still, I know that she hates herself for destroying you and that is satisfying enough for now." Amanda said calmly choosing her words carefully so that she could hurt Alex even more.

" You know nothing about her or our relationship." Alex said through gritted teeth.

" What I know is that she is afraid of Alexandra and she hates herself for what she did to her... and something more, when I am done with you two, you will not stand by her side, she will not stand by your side. This bond between you two, it is going to be broken once and for all." Amanda threatened and ended the call before Alex could reply.

Alex felt anger rising inside of her. This game with Amanda was getting too much for her shattered soul to manage, her feelings were spinning out of control, she just wanted to end Amanda's life right way. She didn't care how, she just wanted to make Amanda stop hurting her loved ones. She took a deep breathe trying to control herself and left her room walking towards medical carrying the remaining files with her. She needed to find Nikita and make sure that the last days haven't damaged their relationship beyond repair, she wanted to understand what Amanda was talking about, why she thought that Nikita was afraid of Alex. She needed to have a serious conversation with her mentor and best friend before she leaves again.

Soon she reached medical and she saw Michael talking sad with Nikita. She didn't want to interrupt the lovely couple but she couldn't afford to waste more time, she had to finish her jobs and leave Division as soon as possible.

Softly she knocked the door and Michael turned around. On his face, a small smile was formed when he saw Alex. He kissed Nikita and moved towards Alex.

" Thank you." Michael said seriously.

" No need to thank me. I didn't do anything." Alex replied casually. And indeed she didn't feel like she did something special, she just go to Nikita's rescue just like Nikita had done million of times in the past for her.

" you just saved my llife, then saved Nikita's life. Yeah, nothing" Michael said sarcastically.

Alex just smiled in response. She did saved their lifes after all, she didn't consider it like something special but she could say that she had done some good things in her tainted life.

Michael kissed Alex's cheeks and left the room. He knew that the girls needed time and space to work their problems out alone. He could understand that their relationship was complicated enough but they loved each other beyond imagination, beyond any healthy measure and nothing was going to change that.

" We need to talk." Alex said firmly but softly staring at Nikita.

" Yes, we do." Nikita replied calmly and gave Alex one small smile.


End file.
